Dear Janice,

I still fantasize about my ex – being in bed with him and all.  Even when I’m with my husband in our conjugal bed. This makes meeting my ex in public with my husband difficult.  Any suggestions on how to get over this?

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Dear Friend,

I wish I had a little more information in order to help you.  For example, are you in love with your husband?  Do you have a good sex life with your husband?  Are you still in love with your ex, or do you just miss the sex with him?  How often do these fantasies occur?  Do you fantasize about your ex every time you make love to your husband?  And why is he your ex, anyway?

The answers to these questions and more will better lead you to an understanding and even a solution to your problem.  However, I’m going to give it my best shot anyway.

If you are genuinely and truly in love with your husband, and you two enjoy your sexual relationship, then you probably don’t have any reason to worry … especially if you only fantasize about your ex occasionally.  Many people believe (and I agree) that occasionally fantasizing about someone else while with your long-term partner is healthy.  Your husband doesn’t have to know that every once in a while you close your eyes and imagine he’s Channing Tatum, Boris Kodjoe or even your ex.  Trust and believe that he does the same thing sometimes.

If your ex was really good in bed, then having his image pop into your head every now and again can actually improve sex with hubby.  And hubby doesn’t need to know this.  All he has to know is that you’re into whatever he’s doing at that moment and you’re both happy.

Allowing yourself to fantasize helps you to grow sexually.  Fantasy is your own secret place where you can tap into your deepest yearnings.  It’s where you can be whomever you want and do whomever you want.

Fantasies also teach us about what we really desire.  The better you know your own desires, the easier it is to communicate them to your husband.  You also become a better lover when you know yourself sexually.  So fantasy is a good thing.

On the other hand, if you’re fantasizing about your ex to the point where it’s interfering with your marriage, then you really do have a problem.  And seeing your ex in public is the least of your worries.

Do you have some unresolved feelings for your ex?  Do you constantly compare your husband to your ex in other areas, too?  If so, does your ex always seem to come out on top?  This could be anything from a need for closure to a case of the grass being greener on the other side.  If it’s the latter, remember this: the grass is greener where you water it.

Remember, he’s your ex for a reason, and I suspect that you wouldn’t have married someone else if he were all that.  Just focus on all the reasons you and he aren’t together now.  He may have been good in bed, but you didn’t marry him.

Honestly, you need to take some time to really examine your feelings about your marriage.  Maybe all this fantasizing about your ex is merely a symptom of problems within your marriage that need your attention.  If this is the case, look deep within your heart to figure out what’s wrong.  And be brutally honest with yourself.  Now is not the time to sweep your feelings under the rug.

Finally, talk to your man.  If you’ve got problems, then you BOTH have problems.  That’s what marriage is: a partnership through the good and the bad.  Don’t bring up your fantasies about your ex, though.  They have nothing to do with your marital issues and would just hurt your husband unnecessarily.  But otherwise, be honest about how you feel.

The solution to your problem begins and ends with your own analysis of your marriage and your heart.  You need to get to the real reasons behind your fantasies.  If you married the right man, and I suspect you did, then work hard at fixing your marriage.  Once you begin to do the work, seeing your ex in public won’t be a big deal anymore because all your focus will be on the man who has your heart: your husband.

Good luck.