Hi Janice,

I’ve been going back and for with this guy (mostly sexually) for 9 years.  In that time, he’s only committed to me once, and then promptly broke up with me once he found out I was pregnant.  We co-parent, but a year after our break-up and the birth of our child, he committed to another woman he’d been seeing during my pregnancy (and likely before).  He continues to contact me regularly, insisting that we maintain a sexual relationship, even though he says he loves the person he’s with now.  Before I knew he was committed to someone else, I was sleeping with him.  But I stopped after I found out and was hurt.  He continues to pursue me, though.  And other than telling me he still “likes” me, he won’t be honest about what’s really going on.  Can you PLEASE share your perspective?

Sincerely,

Bothered

(This letter has been edited for space.)

Dear Bothered.

Girl, other than co-parenting with him, you need to LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE!

First of all, of course he’s going to keep after you for sex … you willingly slept with him without a commitment for 9 years!  He believes he’s entitled to it forever.  As far as he’s concerned, you don’t deserve to be anything more to him than a “jump off” who happens to be the mother of his child.

Remember the age-old adage: What you allow is what will continue.

But listen to me: you DO deserve more!  You deserve to be more than just a sex toy for a man who doesn’t respect you enough to give you a commitment!  You deserve more than just dirty sheets, sore thighs and a possible STD!  YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!

And the fact that you keep asking him what’s going on with his woman only adds to his already inflated ego, Girlfriend.  Stop asking.  You aren’t his friend and he’s not yours.  You can be friendly for the sake of your child, of course.  But the only thing you all need to regularly discuss is the child you share.

He is who he is, and he isn’t going to change: he’s a selfish, dirty dog who will keep chasing tail.  Need proof?  He still pesters you for sex while he’s in a so-called “committed” relationship.  That right there tells you all you need to know about this guy!  He didn’t commit to you after 9 years, and he’s clearly not committed to her, either.

And he claims to “love” her, while sniffing after you?  Yeah, right.

I know you have a child with this joker, and I hope he’s a good father.  But like I said before, you need to leave this man alone.  You deserve a man who will make you a priority, rather than just an option.  You deserve a relationship built on respect, trust, and honesty, rather than booty calls.  You’re worthy of so much more, Sis.

Please remember that you (and you alone) determine your worth.  Too many women seek validation from having a man and being in a “relationship”, no matter how demeaning.  We have to do better.

You need to do whatever it takes to elevate your self-esteem enough to never, ever settle for anything less than you deserve.  You need to love yourself enough to be able to walk away from anything or anyone that doesn’t recognize and respect your greatness.  You need to look in the mirror and see that you are someone deserving and worthy of real and true love, and then govern yourself accordingly.

As the late, great Nina Simone once said, “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served”.  I would add, “Don’t even sit at the table if love’s not being served”.

That’s my perspective.  Good luck.