Dear JANICE,

I’m 23 years old and currently in a relationship with a great guy.  We’ve been together for just over a year, now.  He’s a hard-working, thoughtful, God-fearing man who’s very good to me.  My family loves him.  My friends love him.  I love him! 

The problem is that I have a friend-with-benefits I just can’t seem to shake.  We don’t see each other often because he only comes to town about four times a year.  But when we do see each other, sparks fly.  I must admit we have (secretly) slept together twice since I started dating my boyfriend.  I didn’t plan on doing it.  It just happened.  I felt terrible and swore to myself I’d never do it again.  But I keep going back every time he calls me.

I have a feeling my boyfriend is going to propose soon.  I want to say yes, but am afraid I’ll cheat on him when my “friend” comes back to town.  What should I do?  Should I admit what I’ve done to my boyfriend and risk losing him forever?  Or worse, break his heart? 

Please help!

Signed,

Tempted in Texas

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Dear Tempted,

Let’s take some time to really unpack what’s going on, here.  First of all, you slept with your “friend” on TWO occasions since being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend.  You say you didn’t plan on doing it and that it “just happened”.  I might buy that explanation for the first time you cheated with him.  I mean, who among us hasn’t had the occasional “oops” moment of transgression.

But you did it TWICE.  That second time didn’t “just happen”, Girl.  That second time you knew exactly what you were doing, and you did it anyway.  You need to own that, Sis.  You need to admit to yourself that you saw your “friend’ that second time with every intention of sleeping with him again, and you did it.  So own it.  .

Now, to your boyfriend.  Taking your “friend” out of the equation for the moment, I do believe you when you say you love your boyfriend.  You’re clearly aware of all the things he brings to the table: he’s a hard-working, God-fearing man who’s good to you and is loved by your family and friends.

But are you IN love with him, really?  Do you really love him enough to marry him?  Is he the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

You need to ask yourself these questions and be brutally honest when you answer them.  Because if your boyfriend is truly the man you’re destined to align your life with forever, forsaking all others, then you need to act accordingly.  Are you ready to do that?

I suspect what’s really happening is you’re just not ready to settle down with one man.  And that’s okay.  You’re only 23!  If you’re hooking up with your “friend” while committed to your boyfriend, you’re clearly not ready for that level of commitment.

You said yourself that you’re afraid you’ll cheat on your boyfriend again.  I may be reading between the lines here, but it sounds like you’re already planning to do it.  And if that’s the case, then you need to do the right thing and talk to your boyfriend about your relationship.  You need to tell him that you’re just not ready for the commitment he seeks.  That doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship … but you probably should change the terms of your relationship so that nobody gets hurt.  Just be honest.

But, if you really believe that you can give yourself fully to your boyfriend and ONLY your boyfriend, then you know exactly what you need to do: immediately cease any and all contact with your “friend” and let him become a fond memory.  Don’t take his calls.  Don’t answer his texts.  Delete him from your social media.  Just let him go and move forward.

Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself.  Life’s too short to be anything but honest, especially with yourself.

Good luck.