Dear ASK JANICE,
I am crazy about this man I’m dating, but can’t get him to commit. When we’re together, he’s totally into me. He treats me well and truly fulfills my needs in bed. But, he always insists we’re not in a “real relationship”. He says he’s not looking for a relationship right now, but that he does care about me. Whenever I push him for more, he gets pissed. And then sometimes I don’t hear from him for weeks! What am I doing wrong? How can I get him to commit to me?
Can you help a Sista out, please!
First of all, you need to stop beating yourself up over this guy. No woman can force a man to do anything he doesn’t want to do. The only thing you’re doing wrong is accepting less than you want and deserve.
He’s already told you everything you need to know. He cares about you, but doesn’t want a “real relationship”. In other words, he’s just not that into you.
The bottom line is when a man wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. There will be no excuses and definitely no going weeks without hearing from him. You won’t have to pressure him or push him for more. He will be with you, plain and simple.
Clearly, you want more from this man than just casual sex. Sadly, you’re not going to get more from him. He already knows that he doesn’t have to commit to you to sleep with you whenever he wants. And since this kind of relationship works for him and you allow it, nothing is going to change.
My advice to you is that you end things with this guy. You’re not getting what you want from him, what you deserve. And that’s my point: you deserve the kind of relationship that YOU want. You deserve to be with someone who will commit to you and really treat you with respect.
I don’t know if you’re settling for less than you deserve because you’re afraid to be alone, or if you’re truly in love with this guy. But, you need to stop … NOW! Men get away with treating us so casually because we allow them to. You’ve given him all the power in this so-called relationship, and that’s just wrong! You’re worth more than that, Sister.
I would also argue that your guy doesn’t really care about you, at all. He obviously knows how you feel about him, yet he’s perfectly content to keep you dangling on a thread while he goes about his merry way. If he really cared, he’d either give you the relationship you want and deserve, or he’d leave you alone. But as long as you allow it, he’ll keep coming back for casual sex and a half-assed relationship on his terms.
This just isn’t the man for you, my friend. The great Maya Angelou says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your guy has painted you a very clear picture of who he is. You need to believe him, and cut your losses. Let him go. Walk … no RUN away as fast as you can.
Trust me, when you let go of this guy, you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor! Other than some occasional good sex, the only thing this man is doing for you is standing in the way of the man you’re supposed to be with. As the Church Mothers say, “Girl, he ain’t doin’ nothin’ but blocking your blessings!”
Leaving this unfulfilling relationship would be an act of genuine self-love for you. And like I always say, no one else is going to love you unless you love yourself first.
My dear, you deserve to have the kind of relationship that you want. You deserve to be with a man who will commit to you. Stop giving yourself to men who won’t give you what you want and deserve. Stop selling yourself short.
Let this one go. Let him be someone else’s problem. Your King is out there, and this guy is just in his way.