Dear Janice,
I’m 51 and have been dating men in my age group for many years. However in recent years I have not been satisfied with them because they can’t satisfy me sexually. Is it possible for me to meet a mature 20- or 30-something to have a long-term and fulfilling relationship with or should I just settle with being with men my own age?
Looking for Sexual Satisfaction in Michigan
*******
Dear Looking,
Cougar: a slang term referring to a woman who dates or is considered desirable among younger men. Typically, the term refers to women at least 35 years old who pursue men more than seven years younger.
Welcome to Cougar Town, Baby!
Of course it is possible for you to meet a younger man and have a long-term and fulfilling relationship! And I say, go for it! But, before you go robbing any cradles (just kidding – it ain’t robbery if it’s given away willingly), you need to be sure about what you really want and adjust your expectations about what you’ll actually get.
The first and most obvious benefit of dating a much younger man is … the hot, steamy, all-night long, sweat your expensive hairstyle out, can’t walk the next day SEX! Younger men have the benefit of high testosterone levels, healthy bodies and good old-fashioned stamina! But be careful what you wish for, though! While we all love a good all-night romp every once in a while, sometimes a girl just wants to watch Letterman and go to sleep!
Also, with a younger man you might get the staying power you need to ensure you’re satisfied, but you don’t always get the skill. Just because he can keep it up all night doesn’t mean he’ll know what to do with it. However, from what I hear (from both younger men and the older women they date), many younger men are often very willing to learn from an older woman.
In other words, if you’re patient, you should be able to raise his skill set to your desired level. After all, younger men aren’t so set in their ways that you can actually teach them new tricks (something you apparently can’t do with older dogs, I mean, men)! So, if you have the patience to give a few private lessons, a younger man just might be what you need to scratch that itch.
On the other hand, while a younger man may be able to satisfy you sexually, he may not be able to meet many of your other needs outside the bedroom. For example, a man in his 20’s probably won’t be as financially stable as you are. And that means, he may not be able to take you on two or three vacations a year, treat you to your favorite restaurants a couple of times a week or even take in a movie or a show. Unless you’re willing to foot the bill for almost everything, you may have to lower your expectations about how the two of you are entertained (again, outside the bedroom, that is).
Heck, you may even have to lower your expectations about what kind of entertainment you actually enjoy, period! A man in his 20’s may not be so interested in that Broadway show you’ve been dying to see. He probably hasn’t heard of a lot of the musicians you’d want to see in concert. And be honest, how many summer blockbuster movies with exploding cars or world-dominating robots can you sit through before you’d want to scratch your eyes out?
Even if you somehow managed to find some middle ground when it comes to something like music, you might get tired of explaining who your favorite groups are from your youth. And even though a lot of entertainers from your “era” are still going strong, how can you really explain how awesome groups like the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith or even the Jacksons were before they looked like they needed to use wheelchairs on stage? Trust me, you can’t. I’ve tried.
You might also get tired of explaining to your young lover the significance of certain world-changing events that you actually witnessed, like the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Kennedy assassinations, the Tiananmen Square massacre, etc. After all, these are events which he’s only read about in his history books in school. Actually, with the way kids learn things now, he’s more likely to have Googled these events, watched a video about them on YouTube or learned about them on Wikipedia.
It goes both ways, too. I mean, he might get tired of explaining the cultural importance of movies like “Jackass” to you. And he’s likely going to tire of having to explain that while he didn’t call you when he said he would, he re-tweeted you about the text he sent after he IM’d you that he’d have to cancel your date. That kind of miscommunication would irritate even the most dedicated of lovers.
And, what if he wants kids and you’re … well, let’s just say that ship has sailed for you…(? That’s another whole ball of yarn you’ll have to unravel together.
But, I say all that and still I believe that older women can (and do) have successful, fulfilling relationships with much younger men. Sure, you may have to do a little in-bed training … but, you’ve got all night for them to get it right (‘cuz they can go ALL NIGHT). And you might have to adjust your expectations about who contributes what in the relationship, especially financially. You’ll probably have to do a lot of compromising when it comes to finding entertainment options that you’ll both enjoy. And he’s not always going to get all the cultural references you make during your conversations.
However, like with any relationship it all comes down to communication. And I mean real communication … the kind that doesn’t take place in cyberspace. You both have to be clear about what you want from the very beginning. Then you’ll have to check in with each other periodically to ensure that you’re both still on the same page.
So yeah, it could work for you. But, you have to be willing to put in the work it’s going to take to sustain such a relationship. The women I know who have been most successful in their relationships with younger men are open-minded, very flexible and have the patience of a saint.
So, go for it, girlfriend! Unleash your inner cougar and let me hear your roar!
Love Janice
Ask Janice your intimate love question by emailing ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com