Not only do we have ghosts from failed relationships, we have ghosts from failed sexual ventures, resulting from bad timing, poor body image or sexual experiments gone wrong.

We can be haunted by a failed attempt to give pleasure (like using our teeth instead of our tongue) or our vision or ourselves – like the time we tried to give some rearview action to our man and looked down in horror to see our belly jiggling and our breasts swinging in the air.

The gentleman may have enjoyed watching all that shaking and wobbling.  But, in our minds, we had failed and were upset. Yeah, yeah, we all know about how important it is to have a positive body image. But, knowing isn’t the same as doing. The ghosts of failed moves and feelings of inadequacy haunt our sexual lives and prevent us from getting the pleasure we seek – and deserve.

I spent All Saints Day (November 1st) and Day of the Dead (November 2nd) in a Catholic Caribbean country, where women spend the day cleaning the graves of their loved ones. For years, I’ve wanted to see this ritual and the long-awaited opportunity made me think more deeply about its meaning. If keeping family graves clean is a way of honoring those who have passed to keep our spirits alive, shouldn’t we routinely rid our sexual lives of ghosts to keep our marriages and relationships clean and alive?  Of course, having a “clean sexual life” raises religious and morality questions and what better day to do this than on All Saints Day. But, religious questions and sexual purity aside: if we don’t move past the disappointment and occasional humiliation to gather the courage to try again, we spook our sex lives, leaving them void of beauty and pleasure. Right?

This isn’t about him; it’s about us. As a woman, keeping it sexy is about confronting and chasing the ghosts of our sexual past.  Happy washing, Ladies!