Dear Janice,
I’m a professional, single Black Christian woman who was raised to believe that sexual relations should only take place within the confines of marriage. But more than a decade after getting my Master’s, I’m still single – and we all know statistics say that the chances of Black women getting married are slim. So, while I want to enjoy a sexual relationship with a man, I just don’t feel comfortable doing so. But, the chances of my getting married are slim. Should I plan to live my entire life without sex?
Also, Janice, I just want to let you know that recently I received and accepted an exciting offer to become a part-time representative of a tasteful, online sex toy business started by a widely respected female entertainer. How do I share my news and excitement with my family and church?
Sierra
Charlotte, NC
*****
Dear Sierra,
I’m going to deal with the second question first. Congratulations! And can a sistah get a hook-up … a discount … a good deal? Just kidding!
Seriously though, given your upbringing, it might not be a good idea to share all the details of your new part-time gig with everyone. I’m not saying you should lie, mind you. And I’m so glad you’re excited about what you’re doing! I’m just saying that everybody doesn’t need to know all your business. Maybe just say that you’ve accepted a part-time, online sales position and leave it at that. These days everyone is selling something online, so making a little extra cheddar on the internet isn’t unusual and shouldn’t raise too many questions. And trust me … I’d give you the exact same advice even if you weren’t involved in the church. Our world is still too threatened by the idea of women owning and controlling their own sexual pleasure, and many will make assumptions about your character based on the products you represent. I’m not saying it’s right … but it happens.
Now to the question of whether you should plan to live your entire life without sex. My answer is a loud and resounding NO! First of all, don’t give up on the idea of getting married! I know so many women who have multiple degrees and are well-established in their careers who are finding life partners despite the depressing statistics. Your future hubby may not have his Master’s like you do, and he may not even make as much money as you. But, if he loves and respects you, shares your values and has the same goals in life as you, then he’s the one!
I’ll admit that finding Mr. Right ain’t easy these days. I’m just saying don’t give up. Keep your mind and your options open. Consider thinking outside the box and try online dating or even a professional match-maker. Just be proactive and open … and don’t buy into all the hype about there being no one for educated, Black women to marry.
In the meantime, I am not going to tell you to set aside your beliefs about sex outside of marriage. However, from the tone of your question, I suspect you may be ready to do just that. I would urge you to remember that one reason for keeping sex within marriage has historically been mostly about children. I personally believe that if sex was only meant for procreation it wouldn’t feel so damned good! But, that’s my opinion. If you do decide to embark on a sexual relationship before you get married, I only hope you choose someone worthy of you. He should respect you, honor you, care about you and be genuinely concerned with your pleasure. Anyone who doesn’t do all of the above just isn’t worth your time.
Anyway, with the products you represent in your new part-time job, this may be a moot point anyway! Yes, having a human sex partner is preferred … as long as he’s good and meets the above-mentioned qualifications. But trust me when I say, ain’t nothing wrong with playing with toys! They don’t talk back, fart in bed, hog the blankets, stain your sheets, snore or turn on Sports Center when you’re done. And they never make promises they have no intention of keeping.
Now … about that discount?
JANICE
You can ASK JANICE all your intimate love questions at ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com