First published July 18, 2014
Just recently, my boyfriend of three years threw me for a loop. I thought we enjoyed a satisfying sex life, but apparently he disagreed. His problem: he’s frustrated that I only orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, not during intercourse! When I asked him why it mattered as long as we both enjoyed ourselves, he said it made him feel inadequate. Ever since our conversation, he’s seemed reluctant to make love with me. What should I do? Should I start faking orgasms to make him feel better?
Not a Faker
Dear Not a Faker,
My first thought when I read your letter was “at least she has a man who cares whether or not she cums”! Girl, consider yourself blessed to have a man whose heart (and tongue) seems to be in the right place: he’s obviously willing to do whatever you need to achieve orgasms. However, his feelings of inadequacy just because you don’t orgasm during regular intercourse are misguided.
I can’t tell from your letter why you don’t orgasm during intercourse. Is it a matter of him finishing a little too quickly? Could it be that the positions you try don’t allow for enough direct contact with your clitoris? It’s likely easier for you to achieve orgasm through manual and oral stimulation because of the direct contact with your clitoris.
At any rate, I’d hate to see this issue ruin your three year relationship, especially when it doesn’t have to. First of all, even though he’s willing to stimulate your clitoris enough to bring you to orgasm manually and orally, I’m not sure your man fully understands the importance of that delicate little organ of yours. Explain to him (or remind him) that women are blessed with a piece of anatomy whose sole purpose in life is pleasure!
Where the man’s penis is a multi-purpose organ with about 4,000 nerve endings, our glorious clitoris, which only exists for our pleasure, has more than 8,000 nerve endings! That’s why, for many women, the clitoris can’t be left out of the equation during sex.
You might try positions where your clitoris can be more engaged in the act. For example, if you get on top and angle your body just so, your clitoris can be stimulated by coming into direct contact with his pelvis. Or, no matter who’s on top, one or the both of you can also manually stimulate your clitoris during the act, as well. Experiment and I guarantee you’ll have fun finding ways to make it work for you.
Now, if the issue is that you just need a little more time to orgasm during intercourse, there are other things you can try. Go online and research cock rings and other devices that help delay ejaculation. Nowadays you can order just about anything your heart desires online, and it will come directly to your front door in discreet packaging. There are also natural ways for a man to delay ejaculation involving deep breathing and different positions. Again, do a little research online. There’s a wealth of information out there.
Finally, you both need to remember that the female orgasm starts and ends in the woman’s brain. There could be any number of emotional and psychological reasons why you don’t orgasm during intercourse, and they may have nothing to do with your boyfriend. Only you can determine that, though.
As far as faking it goes, while I’m all for honesty in relationships, I do believe there are times when it’s okay. For example, you’ve had a horrible day and have a lot on your mind. You welcome and enjoy the intimacy of making love with your man, but because of where your head is, an orgasm just ain’t gonna happen. I mean he could magically turn into Idris Elba and lick you for eight hours, and you still won’t cum! You don’t want him to feel bad, so you put on a little show and fake it. In fact, you do such a good job it makes him cum even faster. Now everybody’s happy and you can get some much needed sleep. Under those circumstances, it’s okay to fake it.
But to fake it all the time just because your guy insists that you have orgasms during intercourse? Nah, I don’t recommend it. That kind of deception will only undermine your relationship and you might come to resent him. Just try some of my suggestions and reassure him that you’ve been very satisfied with your sex life. If he still has issues, assume that there are bigger problems afoot.