Tag Archives: pleasure

A Soundtrack For Your Body – By F. N.

Love and Sex No Comments

How many orgasms do you want in 2017? Which guy or girl do you have your eye on, who — you swear on your grandmother’s grave — this year you will find the courage to make a move on? Which sexual adventures are on your 2017 calendar? Don’t tell me you don’t know. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Girl, it’s the start of a new year. You’re reflecting, you’re resolutioning, you’re planning and starting to execute. You’ve made a list of your goals and plans and you are full of hope and verve. Everything you didn’t get to do this past year, that has remained important to you, you are determined to do this year. You want to buy a house, you want to go back to school, you want to go on a trip, you want to get a promotion, you want to improve the relationship you’re in, you want to evolve spiritually, the list goes on and on.

It is a testament to how little we women prioritize our sexual pleasure that most of us, with this long to-do list for the new year, have neglected to apply our innate planning and go-getting skills to our sexual and reproductive lives. That stops now. 2017 is going to be the year in which we connect the most deeply with our bodies and our sexual identities. We will ask for what we want, we will advocate for our health, we will come to love our bodies, we will say goodbye to all the things that hold us back from solace and pleasure, we will get closer to having and being everything we deserve. Y’all better say Amen, now. Good. Amen rightbackatcha.

Last year I mentioned building a pleasure chest, an arsenal of all your favorite things where sex is concerned. A mental collection of all the things that make you feel like your best sexual self. We already talked about the quest for the ultimate condom. Now we’re going to move on to something even more important: what you use to set the mood and to keep it going.

For most of us it’s music. Whether we’re with a partner or just having quality time with our battery-operated-boyfriends, having something we love playing in the background can make what we’re doing feel a hundred times better. Music can make you feel more connected to the person you’re with because you’re both interacting with something outside of yourselves but doing it together. It can help break the ice because hearing something raunchy or ridiculous come out of R. Kelly’s mouth can make you both giggle or raise an eyebrow. The lyrics can give you ideas about how to make things more interesting. Music can mellow you out and bring this slow sensuality into the room. It can also introduce a sense of romance and caring and desire and passion and magic into the whole shebang. If you’re not a music person then sadly this pow-wow is not for you (I’ll be sure to holla at you later about something you find relevant to your pleasure chest) but if you are like me and music matters to you then it is of utmost importance that you figure out what music improves your ambience and experience and start collecting it in a playlist. Keep this playlist handy and use it whenever you need to, whether you’re flying solo or on a magic carpet with Aladdin.

I am a believer in the music matching the mood so I don’t just have the slow stuff that helps the seduction, I have foreplay stuff for when things are heating up, slow stroke stuff for when the action is starting, gittin’ it music for when I’m riding or being ridden, skin-tingling stuff for when I get to the promised land, and then afterglow music for when we’re lying there in a warm blanket of pleasure. I like words so a lot of the songs say things that are relevant to the action but some of them just have unbeatable tempos that force you to move your hips. Some of them, particularly the afterglow ones, say all the things you would say if you had the energy to lift your head and form coherent sentences.

I used to call my playlist “babymakin’ musiq” because it had a lot of the “let’s look into each other’s eyes as we make love” stuff but when I was creating a list of my sex goals for 2017 and then itemizing the things that would help me achieve those goals I realized “babymakin’ musiq” only covers a small spectrum of the full ride I want my 2017 sex playlist to take me on. So I made a new playlist for the pleasure chest. I added some new songs I had come to love recently and took out some of the ones that had gotten cheesy or I had had sex to too often to find compelling anymore. It’s arranged in order from top to bottom to cover all the phases of the experience. I call my 2017 playlist “from hello to bellow to mellow.” Hopefully something on it will work for your own pleasure chest and, more importantly, help you figure out the songs you need to collect for the one you create. Enjoy.

  1. For Lover’s Only – Maxwell
  2. Table for Two – Joe
  3. Lovers and Friends – Lil’ Jon & The Eastside Boyz ft. Usher and Ludacris
  4. Until Then (I Imagine) – Jill Scott
  5. Come Smoke My Herb – Me’Shell Ndegeocello
  6. Turn Your Lights Down Low – Bob Marley ft. Lauryn Hill
  7. Rocket – Beyoncé
  8. Till The Cops Come Knockin’ – Maxwell
  9. Cruisin’ – D’Angelo
  10. You’re My Fantasy – Robin Thicke
  11. Shhh – Tevin Campbell
  12. Sure Thing – Miguel
  13. Seconds of Pleasure – Van Hunt
  14. With You – Marsha Ambrosius
  15. Say Yes – Floetry
  16. Kissing You – Des’ree
  17. Half On a Baby – R. Kelly
  18. Good Enough – Bobby Brown
  19. Motivation – Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne
  20. Slow & Sexy – Shabba Ranks ft. Johnny Gill
  21. House Call (Your Body Can’t Lie to Me) – Maxi Priest ft. Shabba Ranks
  22. Leave It to Me – Shaggy
  23. Beg Yuh a Fuck – Vybz Kartel
  24. Mr Eazi – Rotate Sketch
  25. Watch n’ Learn – Rihanna
  26. Good Kisser – Usher
  27. Buttons – Pussycat Dolls
  28. Dirty Diana – Michael Jackson
  29. Touch It – Monifah
  30. Gimme – Jill Scott
  31. Ripopgodazippa – Prince
  32. The Heat – Toni Braxton
  33. Rock The Boat – Aaliyah
  34. Giving Him Something He Can Feel – En Vogue
  35. Brown Sugar – D’Angelo
  36. Brown Skin – India Arie
  37. Ingele – Somi
  38. Whatever – Jill Scott
  39. Sandwich and A Soda – Tamia
  40. Late Nights and Early Mornings ­ – Marsha Ambrosius
  41. After We Make Love – Whitney Houston
  42. Let’s Do It Again – Lynden David Hall

Your playlist doesn’t have to be this long or this R&B heavy. It doesn’t have to have explicit or suggestive lyrics (though I would advise not fucking to Kim Burrell or Shirley Caesar). It doesn’t have to contain stages. There are no rules for a pleasure chest. The only thing I insist on is that you start building one. Okay, chile? Don’t make me come find you this 2017.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.

How To Build Your Pleasure Chest

Love and Sex No Comments

In light of the somber mood following the U.S. elections, SuzyKnew! brings you something more pleasurable to focus your mind on from our guest blogger based in Ghana. This article is a follow-on from Your Sexualicious Self. 

To have great sex you first have to know what you like. Most of that comes from trial and error. It comes from finding out what turns you on even before you take off your clothes, whether it’s romance novels, erotic literature, porn, long yearning looks or poodles. Then it comes from exploring your body so you figure out what feels good, and learning how to make yourself come so you can teach someone else how to make it happen. And most importantly, it comes from figuring out the things that make up your optimal sexual experience and making sure they are a part of your sex life. The idea is to create a pleasure chest, a toolbox filled with a list of favorites: your favorite baby-making playlist, your favorite things to hear, your favorite foreplay moves, your favorite positions, you get the idea. You figure out what a sexual experience looks like for you and then you keep developing a list of the things you want to be present when you’re getting some. The first thing in my personal pleasure chest was finding the perfect condom.

See, I used to be a condom fanatic. I didn’t start having sex until I was 22 and someone had told me once, when I was younger, that having sex with a condom on was like trying to eat candy through the wrapper. It made an impression on my child brain. So I made a promise to myself: I was never going to have sex without a condom because then all I would know was wrapper-covered candy and I wasn’t going to miss the amazing fully-tasted candy that I had never had. This absolute dedication to condoms, and terror of being tempted to bareback it and then never being able to return to responsible behavior, meant that I couldn’t be casual about what kind of condom was starring in the play when I was knocking boots. A lot of women use condoms as their preferred form of birth control and STD prevention but its shocking how few of us think we have any say in which condom is invited to the party in our pants. We figure the guy is the one wearing it so we let the guy pick it and unless it gives us some kind of adverse reaction or infection we just kind of go with the flow.

Nah, chile, naaaaaaaahhhhh. I decided that since condoms were integral to my sexual activity I needed to find the best condom possible. Adequate, just wasn’t going to do. So I tried a bunch of different ones. I started with some random Durex that my boyfriend had picked up at the grocery store and immediately decided no bueno. So I did some research and then switched to a non-lubricated kind that worked amazingly with that partner for the entire relationship. Then I got a different partner and realized that that condom didn’t feel good anymore. So I went on a quest for the perfect condom. There are a bunch of condoms:

  1. What I call the normal kind: So here, we’re talking about non-lubricated condoms (which are just a rubber condom with no lube on it, for the women who produce oodles of lubrication, for couples who prefer to use a lube of their choice, or for folks who like dry sex). We’re talking about lightly-lubricated condoms (which have a small amount of lube on them to help the condom slip in but won’t provide much moisture for a whole round of sexing). And then we’re talking about lubricated condoms (which load up on the lube for maximum ease when sliding in and thrusting). With lubricated condoms you can decide between the ones with the standard silicon-based lubricant on them or the ones with water-based lube.
  1. Then come what I call the gimmicky condoms: So here we’re talking glow-in-the-dark condoms (which make dicks look like neon light-sabers and make them easy to find in the dark). We’re talking about colored condoms (which come in a rainbow of colors and allow you to match the guy’s junk to your sheets if you want). We’re talking about tantric-style condoms (which have tattoo patterns on them if you want something pretty to look at). We’re talking about flavored condoms (which are good for oral and for people who like fragrances in their naughty bits) and we’re also talking about edible condoms (which are for oral only and don’t provide any STD or pregnancy protection),
  1. Then come what I call the specially-engineered condoms: So here we’re talking about pleasure-enhancing condoms (which are shaped to allow for space at the tip of the condom so the guy feels increased sensation when thrusting and you get some extra feelings when the flared or mushroom top of the condom is rubbing against your naughty bits). We’re talking about studded condoms (which have studs, ribs, rings and raised parts that provide extra friction for the woman and added stimulation for the guy) and French-tickler condoms (which have actual rubber tickler tips, nodules, nubs and ridges on the outside of the condoms that tickle the inner walls of the vajayjay, but are not for STD and pregnancy prevention). We’re also talking about warming condoms (which increase sensation by warming up when you get moist and providing a pleasant slow low kind of heat during the humpty-hump) and talking about tingling condoms (which have mint in them that tingles and intensifies sensation). Other specially-engineered condoms are sensis condoms (which have “quikstrips,” designed to make them more error-proof when you are putting them on).

Condoms also come in different materials (lambskin — which aren’t too safe, latex — which are the most common kind, polyurethane, and polyisoprene). They come in varying thicknesses, from regular thickness, like the Trojan ENZ Non-Lubricated Condom I used to favor

trojan

to super-thin, like the Beyond Seven Sheerlon Latex Male Condom, which I later became a big fan of.

condom-beyond-seven

In my quest to find my perfect prophylactic I discovered that I didn’t much care about the color, flavor, smell and taste of my condoms. So the gimmicky ones all didn’t do it for me. I liked my condoms either non-lubricated or lightly-lubricated since the highly-lubricated ones sometimes felt oily and didn’t match the silkiness of my natural wetness. I didn’t mind ridges and bumps but they didn’t drive me nuts. What mattered the most was the thinness of the condom. I liked feeling every line and texture and groove on my lover’s junk when it was inside me and the closest condoms could come to skin the better for me the sex was.

So I tried the “thin” versions of all the major condom brands. They were all kind of…okay. So then I tried brands made outside the U.S., which are all easy to find online and in any sex shop. That led me to my favorite condom:

The Japanese-engineered Kimono MicroThin Condom:

condom-kiimono

And my second-favorite, the Thai-based Crown Latex Male Condom, which are almost as awesome as the Kimono MicroThins but cost less.

condom-crown

You’re thinking this sounds kinda involved, aren’t you? Maybe you’re thinking “It ain’t that big a deal, lady, I’m all about head anyway.” And that’s fair. But if penetration gets you off, or you are a big believer in safe oral sex and use condoms for fellatio, or you just want to maximize pleasure for however long or short the actual humping is, this process can be very simple, and very fun. Try one category.  If you like it explore other things in that category till you find something that blows your mind. There are lots of hybrids too so if you love a bunch of different features, like say studs, warming and thinness you’ll find it. A lot of sex shops offer free condom samples so you can taste the rainbow without dropping any moolah and only start purchasing when you settle on what you like.

In my experience, your holy grail condom will usually be a favorite for your partner too. Different condoms might also work better with different people or at different times so you might find yourself with two or three favorites that you alternate depending on who has the privilege of being between your sheets. There might have to be some tiny compromises, for example my partner was very well-endowed and the Kimonos were too snug around the base, so we had to find Large Kimono MicroThins, which I thought were a hairsbreadth thicker than the Regular MicroThins. (My partner said it was all in my head because it’s the same damn condom and he was probably right). Either way, the compromise didn’t diminish my pleasure one bit. I also know of a couple where the woman liked a tingling condom but the guy wasn’t the biggest fan because it made him come too quickly so they would start with a tingling condom to get her going and then change to a studded one to finish her off.  So believe me when I say that with a little imagination both you and your man can find your perfect happy place.

If you don’t have one steady partner to take this journey with, the condom search can be even easier. For casual encounters you can keep a bunch of condoms in your purse or car or in a drawer in your room for when you guys go back to your place. You’ll feel like a badass when you slide open your drawer and choose what you want instead of watching him fumble around in his pocket or wallet. You can cycle through the different condoms with the different partners until you find the one(s) that hit(s) your spot and then make that your go-to. You will take ownership of an important part of your sex life and be on your way to building your very own pleasure chest.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.