Six months ago – my boyfriend ended our relationship. And, I’m still not over him. The worst part is that he’s moved on. He’s now engaged to another woman! We had been together for three years and for me, the breakup came completely out of the blue. One minute, I was in a happy, committed relationship and the next minute, I’m alone.
He said he needed space and that he just wasn’t happy with me anymore. Then the next thing I know, our mutual friends are telling me that he’s engaged to someone else.
That should have been me wearing that ring. I should be planning my wedding with him, not her!
What’s wrong with me? Help me, please! I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him!
Sad and Alone
Dear Sad and Alone,
As you read my response, I want you to imagine Idina Menzel’s voice in your ear, singing “Let it Go” from Disney’s hit film “Frozen”. Because, and you already know this, you really need to let him go, Sis.
One of the first things we women tend to do after a breakup is go over everything we did wrong in the relationship. While post-relationship reflection is necessary and important, we have to be careful not to go on a self-blaming spree. Your breakup wasn’t necessarily about anything you did. It probably had nothing to do with you, at all! It could have been something as simple as: his feelings changed. It happens.
That’s not to minimize your pain, though. Your pain and disappointment are real and completely normal. I just don’t want you to blame yourself, anymore.
No one is perfect within a relationship; everyone makes mistakes. So no matter how often you replay every conversation in your head, and dissect every argument you had during your three years together, you may never know why it ended. Obviously, you weren’t the one for him and he wasn’t the one for you. Obsessing about it won’t change the fact that he’s moved on with his life.
Getting over a relationship isn’t easy, especially when it wasn’t your choice to end it. You were with him for three years, so six months mourning the end isn’t really all that long. But, the fact that you’re seeking help to get past it is a sign that finally, you’re ready to move on with your life. And that’s a good thing.
Some say the best way to get over one man is to get “under” another one. That is, get a new guy. I know, I know! That’s much easier said than done. I know how hard it is in these dating streets. And I’m certainly not going to advocate that you just start jumping into bed with any man that shows an interest in you! However, there is something to be said for getting “out there” and actively dating again.
You’ll want to start slowly, of course. And stick close to home. Put the word out to your close friends that you’re available and interested in dating. Allow yourself to be fixed up by people who know you well. Finally give that one guy you’ve kept in the “friend zone” a chance. Be open to blind dates (in safe, public locations, of course). Consider online dating, even.
Getting out there and dating again just may give your self-confidence the boost it needs. Not that you should seek validation from other men to feel good about yourself, of course. But it wouldn’t hurt. Just be sure to keep it casual, at first. Don’t go looking to give your heart to someone new right away. Play the field, a little.
But the MOST important thing you can do to get over your ex is FORGIVE. Forgiveness is essential to happiness. You can’t really move on until you’ve totally forgiven him. Forgive him for leaving. Forgive him for getting over you so quickly. Forgive him for finding someone new.
Forgiving your ex will bring you the freedom from heartbreak that you seek. Forgiving him will allow your heart to really heal. And it’s definitely time for you to heal, Sis. You’ve been hurting long enough.
And forgive yourself. Whatever you think you did wrong … let it go. Forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes you made. Forgive yourself for “losing” him. Forgive and allow yourself to fully love yourself, again. Because we all know that we can’t fully give or receive love until we love ourselves, first and foremost.
To be honest, I think you dodged a bullet with this one. If he got engaged so quickly, that other woman may have been in the picture before your relationship officially ended. And clearly, he just wasn’t the one for you. It’s a good thing he removed himself from your life before you wasted any more time on him. You should probably even thank him!
Your happiness is out there, Sis. You just have to get out there and grab it.
First published September 6, 2016