Tag Archives: virginity

Waiting Is Sexy

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

Ladies, waiting until you get married is sexy. Here is a Sista’ from Nigeria who shares why she’s waiting, and a couple from around the way who tell you why they waited until they were married before they had sex.

If you’re waiting, these stories will let you know you’re not alone. If waiting isn’t for you, these stories may give you another perspective on sexual relationships and their purpose. For more personal confessions about waiting – the good and the bad – here are 16 confessions posted on Huffington Post.







Virginity: A Religious Precept Or Social Construct? ASK A SEX THERAPIST

I was randomly scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and saw a post where a young woman was posing with her new husband and the caption read: “This lovely bride presented a Certificate of Virginity to her father on her wedding day. A doctor certified that her hymen was intact and that she’s a virgin! It’s a new trend in Christian weddings.” I took the liberty of attempting to correct the grammar in the original post since Every Word Began With A Capital Letter. A famous gospel singer reposted this, saying she didn’t understand the negative backlash and that she sang at the wedding featured in the post and applauded the young lady.

Virginity is a social construct created to control the sexual agency of individuals, primarily women. The hymen is not some impenetrable barrier that is only broken during intercourse, but a thin layer of tissue that can “break” during different types of athletic activities. Some girls are born without them, although rare. But if we know all of this (and Google is free), why do we still place so much emphasis on the idea of virginity?

A few more questions: exactly what are we applauding? And was the young man’s chastity equally scrutinized? And then, as a sex therapist, all I could think was that they may be hiring a sex therapist in their near future. I’m completely conjecturing, but if she was raised to believe that sex outside of marriage was bad, was she empowered to learn her own body so she could guide her new husband in pleasing her? Or was she taught, as so many women are within the Church, that sex is for the man and it’s just your wifely duty to provide it on demand or someone else will?

Okay, I have more than a few questions, but that post really bothered me. I believe we spend too much time legislating women’s sexuality, particularly black women’s sexuality, not really focusing on pleasure. And yes, pleasure can be taught within a Christian context (just read Song of Solomon). But I think we have so much more work to do. So many more conversations are needed and so much more education is appropriate. If we continue to hold onto antiquated ideas regarding sexuality, we’ll only do more harm to ourselves when we are really standing in the need of healing.


De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.



Virgins Have More Fun… And Happiness Comes From Having Only A Few Sexual Partners In A Lifetime

Did you know virgins have more fun? Yeah… just like Blonds.

Virgins are having so much fun that more young people are opting to hang on to their virginity.  A 2011 study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)  reported  the percent of Americans between the ages of 15 – 24 who were virgins increased from 22 percent to 28 percent between 2002 – 2008.

And, that’s not all. Did you know that limiting yourself to just a few sexual partners over your lifetime could keep you  emotionally stable? Like cause you to be happier? The book Premarital Sex In America written by two sociologists finds a link between sexual restraint and emotional well-being – between monogamy and happiness. The authors also find a link between having “lots” of sexual partners and depression. Especially if you’re a woman.

Where is all of this coming from? New York Times (NYT) Op-ed columnist Ross Douthat who reviewed these studies in his column Why Monogamy Matters. He summed it all up stating “the happiest women were those with a current sexual partner and only one or two partners in their lifetime. Virgins were almost as happy, though not quite, and then a young woman’s likelihood of depression rose steadily as her number of partners climbed and the present stability of her sex life diminished.”

Ross might have a political agenda with all this but SuzyKnew’s agenda is maximizing your sexual pleasure and health.

Think about it!

And keep it sexy…



The Big V: What’s A Good Filipina Girl To Do?

The Big V

Already a few minutes late, I rush into the classroom, plunk myself down on my assigned seat, breathe deeply a few times, turn to face my partner.

And I freeze.

Über hot bod – check.

Scruffy, cutely messed up hair – check.

Grey eyes, crinkly at the corners – check.

Nice, fresh, minty smell – check.

Halfway done through problem sets (already?!) – check.

Heart-stopping smile – check.

He’s one of those really adorable types that make you starry-eyed and dreamy. I felt like I’d been knocked over in my seat. Unfortunately, this usually means I grin shyly, heart thumping wildly in my chest, glance at him from the corner of my eyes, and CLAM UP COMPLETELY.

Now I don’t know how you go about it, but this has happened to me several times over the years, while I was in the Philippines and other countries – I meet a guy I’m supremely attracted to, and I do NOTHING. Many people have tried counseling me on the matter, some even going so far as to suggest that I just kiss him. There are many reasons I give myself: I might think that the guy’s too drop-dead gorgeous to fall for little ol’ me, who walks around in sneakers and eats too much peanut butter. Or I have no time to be playing footsie when I need to focus on other more important things in my life, like, oh, work or academics. Or he may not be the right person for me, and, really, girl, physical attraction is not the be-all-and-end-all of luuurve. Besides, he really should be the one coming after me, blah blah blah.

But the big V is definitely part of the equation.

Yes, you know which one I am talking about: virginity.

Because, in these situations, boy + girl = sex. Eventually. Hopefully. Exactly – that’s just the thing.

Maybe I’m scared of all the talk and looks I may get. Maybe my parents and family will disapprove. Maybe my reputation as a good, upstanding girl will be ruined. Maybe the ‘no-sex-before-marriage-or-you’ll-burn-in-hell’ thing looms in the horizon like an inevitable monster that’s going to swallow me whole!

Or maybe I just listened to Freestyle’s ‘So Slow’ song far too much throughout my high school days.

The fact of the matter is that, for me, sex for the first time is extremely daunting. It may hurt – or it may not – but that’s not the biggest worry. Losing virginity is the first height of physical intimacy with another person, the real deal when it comes to sharing physical experiences. When I think about it, there’s nothing quite like knowing that another person will be exploring the shapes and planes and softness of the body that only I have come to discover throughout puberty (nope, my parents’ changing my diapers don’t count). Exposing myself in this manner makes me extremely vulnerable, not only physically but emotionally. It’s a space reserved just for me, and to let another person into that space means they’re encroaching – and carving – paths in my innermost feelings and heart. But it doesn’t really end there – what if the relationship is extinguished like a puff of smoke? Will I be able to take it, knowing that there’s somebody walking around, obliviously carrying a little part of me? And, goodness, what about the next time?!

So, first times become like the lamp Aladdin had to get in that cave in the desert – only one who is worthy can enter. Or something like that, and, of course, sooner or later not just with three ‘wishes’.

Even though sex in bf-gf relationships is becoming more acceptable nowadays, I wonder if people still think about the first time they will have sex in this way. Is it good, bad, something I should just accept, or change?

To make matters worse, these myriad of thoughts run through my mind, and I overthink the whole thing. So much so that every time I open my mouth to talk to that cute guy, I freeze. And freeze some more – up until the bell rings and the opportunity walks away on worn-out Chucks, never looking back.