Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

Sophia’s Review Of ‘Girls Trip’

Love and Sex Opinion Sizzle With Sophia No Comments

Now that ASK A SEX THERAPIST told us about grapefruiting, Ladies, if you & your girlfriends haven’t seen “Girls Trip” yet, you need to – or get your hands on a copy ASAP if it’s left your movie theatre.  Seriously.  You don’t even realize how much you need this kind of sisterhood-laughter-Black-Girl-Magic in your life!

Never mind that I personally know the woman responsible for all the fly clothes these Nubian queens wore (we went to high school together); you can even ignore that one of my favorite sex games was prominently featured (again, no spoilers, but read more about that here ); and forget about the total treat of seeing Queen Latifa and Jada Pinkett-Smith share the big screen again after, like 20 years … the eye candy ALONE should be enough to lure you to your nearest theatre!

 

I mean, come on!  Fine ass Larenz Tate, who hasn’t aged even a little bit since “Love Jones” hit theatres 20 years ago, still has a smile that can light up an entire movie screen.  For real.  Dude could pick his nose, scratch his balls and spit into a bowl, but when he flashes that mega-watt smile of his, panties will start dropping everywhere!

Plus there’s Mike Colter, with all that bald, chocolate-y, goodness wrapped up thick muscles and tight-ass suits.  Makes me just want to reach up and rub on his pretty, bald head.  Gives me the flutters and the flux just thinking about what those muscles would feel like in my capable hands. With his fine self.

Heck, even Mike Epps’ silly ass makes a cute and funny appearance, causing me to look at him twice, like “Hey, Mike!  Heeeyyy!”

And then there’s so-fine-it-actually-hurts-to-look-at-him Kofi Siriboe!  You know, hot-ass Ralph Angel from OWN’s “Queen Sugar”?  Yeah, him.  With his sculpted cheekbones and bedroom eyes.  With his deep, chocolate skin that just makes you want to lick him from head to toe … Lawd, let me go get me a glass of ice water, cuz that young brotha is HOT!!!

And it’s not giving anything away to mention that this hilarious romp of peak Black Woman Awesomeness is set against the backdrop of the Essence Fest in New Orleans, that yearly musical festival where Black women gather to party, celebrate, learn, uplift, network and just … BE.

Because just BEING a Black woman in today’s world (and especially in Trump’s America) is hard AF!  Because while the world may love our parts (our lips, our hair, our skin, our curves), the only people who really seem to love us as whole people are other Black women.  Because Black women are the demographic most likely to seek love on dating sites, but are the least likely to be chosen on those same sites.  Because the very tenacity and strength that has allowed us to thrive and prosper seems to hide our very humanity from everyone else, leaving them to assume we can’t feel pain.  Because we have to “hold it down”, raise the kids, work harder than anyone only to still be paid less, keep the home, give our all to the church, plan the marches and protests (then feed all the marchers and protestors and clean up after them) … and look damned good doing it.

Because just BEING a Black woman is hard AF!

This movie is the perfect summer respite from all that ails and worries you, Sis.  It’s a raunchy, belly-laugh of a hoot that centers Black women in a way so rarely captured by Hollywood.  For once, the movie doesn’t depict us as the two-dimensional, moral compass of the story, patiently leading misguided white saviors along the bumpy road to redemption.  “Girls Trip” centers Black women in all our fun, crazy, loving, sexual, magical glory, finally allowing US to save ourselves.

So, grab your girls (or your man, if he’s down) and treat yourself to the thrill ride of hilarity that is “Girls Trip”.  The music is awesome, the cameos are epic, the laughs are plentiful and the sisterhood between the four main characters is inspiring.  Go.  Laugh.  Talk back to the screen (you know how we do).  Dance.  Sing.  Shout.  Allow yourself the freedom to actually enjoy something that is just for YOU.

-Sophia

Sophia Ned-James is a Detorit-based Black Erotica writer whose work appears in SuzyKnew! under SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA.

Black Women’s Equal Pay Day

Opinion No Comments

Because we have to “hold it down”, raise the kids, work harder than anyone only to still be paid less, keep the home, give our all to the church, plan the marches and protests (then feed all the marchers and protestors and clean up after them) … and look damned good doing it.  Sophia Ned-James July 2017

 

SuzyKnew! is joining Walker’s Legacy to highlight Black Women’s Equal Pay Day on July 31, 2017

Apri 4, 2017, was National Women’s Equal Pay Day, which represents the extra labor time required to close the wage gap experienced by women to that of their white male counterparts – 78 cents to every $1, respectively. For African American women the income gap is even wider, 60 cents to the dollar representing an additional approximately six month of extra work to reach wage parity.  For more on Walker’s Legacy click here. 

To Grapefruit Or Not To Grapefruit ASK A SEX THERAPIST

Reproductive Health 1 Comment

Like many others, I decided to see Girls Trip during its opening weekend and absolutely loved it, so much so that I saw it twice. The first time was with a brilliant colleague and friend who is one of the other two black sex therapists in the St. Louis area. As we laughed until we cried and sipped our mimosas, Tiffany Haddish’s character, Dina, presented Jada Pinkett-Smith’s character, Lisa, with the option of grapefruiting her new potential partner. If you’re not familiar with this technique, Dina gave a very detailed description in a particular scene. My friend and I were shouting in the theater to our fellow moviegoers, “Don’t do this at home! You don’t want a yeast infection! Citric acid and genitals don’t mix!” We were laughing but were incredibly serious.

Although this scene may have introduced the masses to grapefruiting, it was created by Auntie Angel who has several videos on YouTube where she gives directions on how to perform this technique. Big ups to her for creativity! However, shortly after I learned of Auntie Angel’s video in 2014, I posted my own (you can see it here) warning of possible complications (some which were depicted in a scene with Kofi Siriboe). However, if you still decide to proceed, make sure you follow the advice of Sex Educator Goody Howard and #GrapefruitResponsibly. Consider these points:

  • Citric acid can cause skin irritation. You may want to use a condom while performing fellatio with the grapefruit. If acid gets in the urethra, that may be painful.
  • If using a condom, make sure you remove it and wash the penis and surrounding areas before proceeding with intercourse or penetration. Although the vagina is more acidic than grapefruit, the pulp and juice contain sugar, which can cause irritation and possibly create a hospitable environment in which yeast can grow.

For more SuzyKnew! articles on grapefruiting click here

If you decide to go ahead and try this technique, do so responsibly and with the full consent of your partner. And even if you decide against it, don’t be afraid to have fun and try new things. This is just one technique, but there are many other ways you can spice up your regular routine. Sex can be a fun and pleasurable experience, so make sure you find ways to be both informed and adventurous.

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Elle.com, WomensHealthMag.com, and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

#Dear Ovaries… By Holly Grigg-Spall

Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health No Comments

Crowned ‘the defender of female awesomeness’ by Cooler magazine, Lisa Lister is the author of Love Your Lady Landscape and Code Red. She’s a menstrual, fertility and reproductive health practitioner and founder of the SHE Flow system; a personal invite to celebrate the fiercely feminine, sensual pleasure of being a woman through movement, massage, mysteries and magic.  Lisa is dedicated to helping women crack their lady code, reconnect with their body wisdom and love their reproductive health.

Here, Lisa pens a letter to her ovaries for our #DearOvaries series.

Dear Ovaries,

So, you know that I talk about you a LOT to the women who gather in my circles, ceremonies + workshops, right?
I get them to place their hands on the space you hang out in + invite them to send big love to you through their breath.
I share with them that their ovaries are a powerhouse of creativity and that when they’re nurtured, fully charged + circulating with energy, they create SHE power, lady magic, creative juju. I share how they get to fully choose how to express that power in their body, through their body and then out into the world and that basically, when they connect with their ovaries, they connect with their ability to express themselves.
I bet you’re surprised that I’ve got big love for you, aren’t you?
I bet you’re thinking ‘how can she even consider sending us the big love after everything we’ve put her through? The pain, the trauma, the endless bleeding that made sofas, bed linen, bus seats look like a scene from the movie Carrie?’
It’s okay, I get it.
I didn’t at the time, in fact, at the time, I hated you.
I hated everything about you.

And when after years of misdiagnosis a dude in a white coat told me I had Endometriosis and PCOS and then in the next breath told me ‘obviously you won’t be able to have children so we might as well ‘whip it out’ referring to you and my reproductive health, I was tempted to let him.

Except, instead of feeling relief at finally having a name for all the pain you caused me, I was feeling a righteous anger where the pain had previously been. (I also realised thanks to the dude in the white coat’s five minute anatomy 101, at the age of 25, that my womb + my uterus were actually the same thing. Who knew? Clearly not me and this was NOT okay.)

So instead of allowing a dude with frankly no bedside manner to ‘whip it out’ I allowed the rage move me.

And it moved me to go on what’s been an 11 year exploration of my lady reproductive health.

We’ve had quite the adventure together, haven’t we?

We’ve experienced shamanic healing, earth based spirituality, breath work and body movement, ritual + ceremony, we released shame + guilt + blame that we’d been holding onto so tightly, discovered the sacred art of receiving pleasure – super grateful for THAT, we’ve learned how our menstrual cycle, the moon phases + mumma nature’s seasons are an an ever-unfolding map to reconnect us with the truth + potent power that lies between our thighs.

It’s been a wild ride.

And now, we work together. I no longer go against my flow, I go with it. I remember, reconnect + have total reverence for my SHE power because for the past 2000 years or more, the feminine reproductive health experience has been completely disregarded and this disconnect has caused an epidemic of stress emotional depletion + frustration, infertility + down there dis-ease in me and in millions of women in the western world.

The pain you caused was to wake me up. Was to shake me out of the 2000 year long ‘forgetting spell’ patriarchy has had us under + has taken me on a revelatory journey of what it is to be a woman so that I can now teach women across the globe how to navigate, explore, reclaim + love their lady reproductive health too.

So yeah, I get it.

Purchase Lisa’s new book and learn more about her work here. You can also check out an extract.

Holly Grigg-Spall is a fertility awareness and body literacy advocate and educator, a Daysy enthusiast, and excited to help more women come off the birth control pill and find a natural, effective alternative. holly.grigg-spall@valley-electronics.com

How Would The Proposed U.S. Senate Health Care Bill Affect Women Of Color?

Opinion No Comments

What’s the answer? The proposed Senate bill to replace ACA or Obamacare is just as bad as the House bill is for us. There’s not much new here.  Written only by men, there is a stark absence of concern for women’s health. Regardless of our income, our health (or options for health) will suffer if this bill becomes law.  As CNN Money puts it: being a woman (especially a woman of color) will become more expensive.

Below SuzyKnew! has highlighted a few key points from the bill with links to articles providing additional information.

  1. Medicaid would be cut – 74 million Americans use medicaid to cover their health care costs.  According to statistics provided by Kaiser Permenante, almost three-fourths of medicaid enrollees are non-white. What’s more – Medicaid is incredibly important for reproductive health and family planning funding. Three-fourths of public money spent on family planning comes from medicaid. Cuts to medicaid mean cuts to health care that affects women of color.
  2.  Abortion – including abortions for medical reasons – would be disallowed. Ladies, we would be unable to use our tax credits to buy insurance plans that cover abortion. Abortion “to save a woman’s life” or “in cases of rape and incest” would be exempt. But, there are many medical reasons why women need abortions – not to mention, of course, basic freedom as an American.
  3.  Planned Parenthood would be defunded – No surprise here. Is there such a thing as a Republican-sponsored bill that doesn’t defund Planned Parenthood?  Maybe some of our news junkies out there can answer this one for us.
  4. Insurance providers can opt out of providing maternity care.  Thinking about starting a family? Well, if this bill passes, you may want to become a millionaire before you do.  It costs between $30,000 – $50,000 to maintain a pregnancy and deliver a baby in America.  Maternity care in the U.S. is considered to be the most expensive in the world. Right now, Obamacare requires insurance plans to cover 10 essential medical benefits including pregnancy and maternity care.  The bill would scrap these requirements, allowing insurers to provide plans without maternity care.

Ladies, let your representatives – especially your Republican Senators – know you do not support a health care bill that adversely affects your health and the health of your loved ones.  Click here for a list of undecided Republican Senators who should hear your opinion.

 

Summer Love And Jaguar Babies: More U.S. Women Are Having Babies Later In Life

Love and Sex Reproductive Health No Comments

It’s another record hot summer. But, that won’t stop summer love. And, older ladies in their 40’s and 50’s will be out there lovin’, too. As summer temperatures continue to rise so does the fertility rate of older women.

A June 2015 report released by the National Center for Health Statistics shows that while the overall fertility rate for U.S. women has declined, especially among teenagers and women under 30, more women over 40 are having babies. Even more surprising is women over 50 having babies is becoming less rare (but still uncommon at .). For a third of these ladies, this is their first baby.

We know Cougars are women in their 40’s who date younger men. Jaguars are women in their 50’s who like to date younger men. While cougars have been on the prowl for a while. Jaguar love is ascending and may be given rise to Jaguar babies.

births mothers over 50

Source: BusinessInsider; data from CDC 2013

Giving birth at a very young or old age is risky for a lady’s health and life. There is an increase risk of stroke and heart attack just to mention a few issues. Also, severe maternal morbidity (SMM) has been steadily increasing in the United States in part due to an increase in maternal age, according to the CDC.  Fifty thousand women experienced SMM while in labor and delivery during 2013 – 2014. But, women want to start their families when they are more secure in their identity, careers and have selected the right partner. Technologies are emerging that are allowing women to continue having babies almost throughout their lifespan. What’s a lady to do?

When you look at 50-year old Janet Jackson and her baby Eissa, who was born in January of this year, it’s hard to believe giving birth when you’re long in the tooth is so risky. Also, while researchers know fertility treatments have resulted in women over 35 getting pregnant, little is known about how women over 50 are getting pregnant.

Of course, you can also find testimonies from older women having babies on Youtube.

Ladies, enjoy your summer and if you’re lucky enjoy your summer love. If you have a baby this spring, please let us know.

SuzyKnew!

Photo credit: U.S. FDA

 

Can Basal Body Temperature Be An Early Indicator Of Endometriosis?

Reproductive Health No Comments

Endometriosis is one of the commonest reasons for major gynecological survey among African-American women. Also, Black women are more likely to die from endometrial cancer than women from other racial or ethnic groups.

Below is an interview with Prof Renner, MD, who is deputy director of the Gynecological Hospital of the University Medical Center Erlangen, scientific and clinical head of the University Endometriosis Center Frankonia as well as head of the Gynecological University Cancer Center Frankonia.  He is also president of the European Endometriosis League (EEL).

His area of expertise is endometriosis, a chronic pelvic disease affecting 10 % of the world’s female population, yet often undetected even by medical professionals.  During Daysy’s interview, Prof Renner reveals how to detect, treat and prevent endometriosis.

Prof Renner is heading Daysy’s clinical study into endometriosis. The aim is to determine whether basal body temperature can be an early indicator of endometriosis.

You can participate and help to advance women’s health. Just take a few minutes to fill out a simple survey.

US survey

EU survey

Here is Daysy’s interview with Prof Renner.

Prof Renner, endometriosis is a very common, however often undetected disease in women. What are the typical symptoms of endometriosis?

Prof Renner: A typical symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain occurring during or shortly before menstruation. During disease persistence, pelvic pain may also occur at any other point during the female cycle. Depending on the location of the disease, pain during sexual intercourse, urination or bowel movement may be experienced. In addition, some patients experience infertility.

What do you advise women who notice these symptoms? What are the types of diagnosis and where are these offered?

First I advise women to actively address their gynecologist. Unfortunately, experience tells us that menstrual pains are often not taken seriously. They are still considered “normal”, even among gynecologists. Statements like “Don’t make such a fuss” or “All women experience this type of pain” sadly do not happen only on rare occasions. In such cases, a change of gynecologist, or finding a specialist on her own is all that a patient can do. These specialists can be found, for instance, in specialized endometriosis centers. Contact information can be found here.

Is it known why some women develop endometriosis?

No, it is not. This is one of the mysteries of this disease. There are some theories, of which some are older than 100 years, but none of them has been proven. The most popular theory is the transplantation theory, which is based on retrograde menstruation, i.e. bleeding through the fallopian tubes and into the peritoneal cavity. Endometrium that enters the peritoneal cavity this way can implant and show the typical signs of endometriosis. However, since most women bleed into the peritoneal cavity during menstruation, albeit to different extent, other factors must exist that foster the development of endometriosis in only some of these women. Evidence in favor of this theory is the ability to induce endometriosis in mice by injection of menstrual blood. Opposing this theory is the fact that even women lacking their uterus are affected by endometriosis.

Another theory is based on the assumption that cells of the peritoneal cavity re-differentiate due to some external factors, i.e. from healthy peritoneum into typical endometriosis cells. This phenomenon is called “metaplasia”, hence “metaplasia theory”.

What does the diagnosis “endometriosis” mean for women planning to have children?

In most cases, a randomly discovered endometriosis is no reason to panic. Most women with endometriosis become pregnant without experiencing any problems. However, the rate of patients with endometriosis is elevated in sterility collectives (sterile patients), which is pointing towards the disease having a potential effect on pregnancy rate.

Are there any treatments? If so, what are the chances of cure for each of the treatment options?

There are medication-based and surgery-based treatment options. Medicinal treatment options include pain relief medication as well as hormonal therapies such as oral contraceptives, progesterone, intrauterine devices (IUD) or menopause therapy (GnRH analogs). Some of these therapies are not approved for the treatment of endometriosis and have various side effects, or contraindications.

Especially in the case of strong pain, medicinal therapies should not be “experimented” with for too long, instead the initial diagnosis should be quickly confirmed by surgery. During this (in most cases) minimally invasive procedure called laparoscopy, the lesion should be removed. In case of relapse, the decision for medication- or surgery-based treatment has to be made for each patient individually.

Is it possible to prevent endometriosis through a balanced diet?

No, there is no evidence for that. A balanced diet may, similar to doing sports, improve the condition. Especially weight reduction has been shown to have positive effects. Nevertheless, it is not at all proven that nutrition can be directly responsible for endometriosis.

Are there any other ways to prevent endometriosis?

No, unfortunately not. In this context, however, it is important that the level of suffering in these patients is often very high over years, until, eventually, the diagnosis is made. Although prevention is not possible, it seems rational to raise awareness, in order to decrease the time interval until start of adequate treatment.

Learn more about Daysy’s clinical study.

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: Making Long Distance Relationships Work

Ask Janice No Comments

Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder?  Or is it “out of sight, out of mind”?  In other words, can long distance relationships (LDRs) really work?  If so, how?

Many people face the LDR dilemma at some point in their dating lives, and the decision whether to embark on a relationship across miles can be tough.  Even though today’s technology makes the world seem smaller, the everyday realities of dating someone who lives far away can seem overwhelming.

For many years I was a naysayer, assuming that these relationships were ultimately doomed. It didn’t help that the two long distance relationships from my own past failed.  But after an Ask Janice reader wrote to me about her LDR, I did some research with an open mind.  I’m now convinced that these relationships can actually work!

All relationships take effort and require the basics: love, respect, communication, and commitment.  And friendship, of course, because the best relationships are rooted in a solid friendship.  Long distance relationships are no different, and are totally do-able if both parties are willing to put in the work.

Here are a few tips for couples trying to share their love across the miles:

  1. End Game: If you’re considering an LDR, you both need to agree on where you’re headed as a couple.  Will one of you eventually relocate and join the other, or will you always live separately? What about marriage and/or kids?  One or both of you may change your minds because people and relationships evolve.  But even if your “end games” don’t match exactly at first, (like he wants marriage, but you’re not quite there, yet), you at least need to know where each other stands and be down with it. If it turns out you want completely different things, then a romantic relationship probably wouldn’t work anyway, regardless of distance.
  2. Trust: This one’s a no-brainer.  Without trust, your relationship won’t work.  But let’s be real: your own insecurities often make trusting hard, no matter where you live.  Add a few thousand miles into the mix, and it’s easy to let your imagination run wild and bring the drama.  Like, if too much time elapses between calls, your mind immediately conjures up images of him with that chick from his office you never liked.  But remember: proximity doesn’t guarantee fidelity! 

One more time for the folks in the back.  Proximity doesn’t guarantee fidelity!  Folks cheat when they live in the same damn house!  Before you start jumping to crazy conclusions the minute he doesn’t immediately text you back, check yourself first.  Has he ever really given you a reason to worry?  Or are you just listening to those little voices of doubt in your head?  If it’s the former, then Houston, we have a problem.  If it’s the latter, it’s time to reflect on why you feel that way, which probably has nothing to do with your significant other.

  1. Date Nights: It may sound cliché, but in today’s fast-paced world, even couples who share a home have to schedule date nights.  These hectic, over-booked lives of ours can wreak havoc on romance, especially if you’re in different time zones.  So you need to schedule some uninterrupted, quality time with your partner when it’s convenient for you both.  Whether you Facetime or video chat, use these precious moments to focus only on each other.  Look into each other’s eyes and really  Make it special with music, lighting or anything else you’d do if you were in the same place.  Be diligent about doing this (weekly date nights would be ideal), but be flexible, too.  You may sacrifice an hour or two of sleep, but it’ll be worth it because it makes your partner a priority.
  2. Talk It Out: When you’re in an LDR, you may not get to talk often.  So you may be tempted to sweep the little things that bother you under the rug.  Don’t do it!  I get that you don’t want to waste your precious screen or phone time quibbling over some B.S.  But left unchecked, little problems can become big problems in no time.  Choose your timing and tone wisely, but don’t keep those minor nuisances to yourself.  The sooner you raise an issue, the sooner it can be resolved.  And since these issues often result from simple misunderstanding, isn’t it better to confront them before they cause irreparable damage?
  3. Be Honest About Your Feelings: First, you have to be honest with yourself.  How does this relationship makes you feel?  Are you really happy?  Do you need more frequent contact?  Or are you truly content with the way things are?  Once you have a handle on what’s going on in your own heart and mind, open up to your significant other about it, and encourage them to be open with you.  Really listen to each other.  It’s important to check in with yourself and each other often.

  1. Keep it spicy: I don’t care if you’re so shy you can’t even name your own body parts without blushing.  When you’re part of an LDR where sex is already part of the equation, you need to get over yourself and engage in some flirty, sexual banter (at minimum) or even full-blown, long distance loving.  I’m not saying you should be sending dick & boob pics all willy-nilly.  Use common sense, of course.  But distance and sexual intimacy don’t have to be mutually exclusive!  If you have a robust and satisfying sex life when you’re together, you need to keep those fires burning when you’re apart.  Keep an open mind and get creative.  Besides, long distance intimacy makes those precious reunions that much hotter!

 

Speaking of reunions …

  1. Don’t Over Plan: At long last, your significant other is finally coming to visit and you’re so excited you can’t breathe!  This is where you may have to reign in your enthusiasm to avoid over planning your time together.  I know you’re eager to show off all the amazing things you’ve seen and the cool places you’ve been, but the two of you need to have some “chill” time (without sex), too.  Don’t try to fill every moment with activity or every silence with words.  Rather, allow yourselves the time to just relax and enjoy being in the same space for a change.
  2. Manage Your Expectations: Especially during that long-awaited reunion.  I know you’ve talked about all the wild sex you plan to have.  You’ve probably imagined an epic, erotic event with fancy lingerie, scented oils, and gravity-defying positions.  You’ve waxed and tweezed yourself raw in anticipation.  You’ve lived in the gym trying to lose that 7 pounds you gained since you last each other.  You want your reunion sex to break records, headboards and possibly a limb or two.  But that’s a lot of pressure!  Even porn stars couldn’t pull off all the antics you’ve planned.  Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.  It’s okay to be excited, but you gotta be realistic, too.  If you’ve never successfully had sex swinging from the chandelier, you probably won’t do so now.  Keep it hot, but keep it real.
  3. Use All Available Communication Tools: It’s easy to fall into only using one form of communication when you’re in an LDR, like texting.  But healthy relationships, regardless of proximity, require more than just thumb typed messages.  So many problems can be avoided by changing how you communicate.  It isn’t always easy, but try to actually speak to each other as often as possible.  Texting, with all its shortcuts and emoji’s, can lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings.  Besides, sometimes you just need to hear your partner’s voice.  Or to look into each other’s eyes.  These days, long distance lovers can easily share face-to-face intimacy thanks to technology.  You can even change it up and send actual letters and cards to each other, too.  There’s something special about getting a handwritten letter from your love.  It’s romantic and sweet.

So, there you go!  Did I miss anything?  Are you a member of the Fonder Hearts Club (in a long distance relationship)?  What works for you?  Please share your tips in the comments below.

Photo Credits: Sophiegee.com, kokolife.tv, and 47vibez Media.

Ask Janice your intimate question. Write to ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com

Breast Cancer: What Are The Symptoms? By Dr. Drai

Reproductive Health No Comments

Hi #GYNEGirls! It’s America’s OBGYN- Dr. Drai. I have been SOOO BUSY! Running around THESE 8 offices, catching babies, doing surgeries in 2 different hospitals, and still tweaking it in media interviews. #DrDraiMedicalT #MediaPersonality #TwerkSumn LOL!  Dr. Drai has more “Medical T” to spill on breast cancer. We chatted about the BRCA gene and Risk Factors for developing breast cancer. Now #GYNEGirls I need YOU to know what to look for on your TaTas. But FIRST let’s review your BOOB anatomy.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

The most common sign of breast cancer is a lump or thickening. #GYNEGirls-A lump felt in your armpit is most worrisome. A lump that does not change in the way it feels is a sign of breast cancer. It may be hard, not movable, or have irregular borders.

Other signs are swelling, puckering or dimpling, redness, or soreness of the skin. Your nipple may change shape, become crusty, or have bloody discharge. Although early breast cancers are usually painless #GYNEGirls, any pain or tenderness that lasts throughout the menstrual cycle should also be reported to your DOC. Don’t wait!

Don’t forget to tell your #GENT (or #GYNEGirl) to read this blog. Breast cancer doesn’t discriminate; it can affect ANYONE. Dr. Drai wants you to REMEMBER the signs and symptoms to look for! #BOOBCheck #SaveTheTaTas Until next time…

Click HERE FOR MORE DR. DRAI POSTS ON BREAST CANCER

Does Your Man Masturbate Too Much? By F.N.

Opinion No Comments

Okay, ladies, so something really interesting happened a while ago. I returned to Ghana for a holiday and started back up with an ex. For most of the time we were together the sex was amazing. He was the best I had ever had, hence the going back to get some more of that Vitamin D. We loved each other dearly but we were just incompatible and we brought out the worst in each other because we had no idea how to fulfill each other’s needs. Our love languages were just too different. But we had always had an amazing sex life and when I got back and he came by and started talking about how much he loved me, though my spirit was strong my body was weak.

So we start having sex again. The foreplay is good, the fingering is wow, but when we start the actual coitus I quickly feel all my wetness drying up. The sex is rough. Not rough as in energetic; forceful. Not forceful as in enthusiastic, forceful as in adamant. Overly-determined. Instead of the usual slow slide of his junk against mine, that used to turn my legs to jelly, now he’s doing this hard thrust that is hitting the back of my cervix. Wham. Wham. Wham. Wham. It’s like he’s trying to hit something beyond my vagina. He is a good 6 “3, 260 and so there’s a bunch of weight behind every hit. It’s like I’m being hammered on the inside. He ends every hard wham with this intense, painful grind of his crotch against my crotch. Like he’s trying to get every ounce of friction that he can.

In the time between when I last saw him and when we started back up again he dated someone else. So I start wondering, “Did she make him bad at sex? Was she into some crazy hard banging that has short-circuited his brain? Was her vagina just somehow extra-tight so it gripped him in some vice that mine can’t match? Am I not tight enough? Has he forgotten how I like it?”

In the beginning I don’t say anything. But girllll, the sex gets so painful. I have never used lube in my life but I order an enormous bottle of lube on Amazon and get my uber-religious cousin to bring it down when she’s coming for Christmas. That should tell you how desperate I am. I don’t even care about tongues-speaking family members whispering about my fornication to the prayer warriors at their church. The lube helps for about the first five minutes of knocking boots. But even the lube can’t save the situation. Sex with him aches, first from the wham, wham, wham against every vulnerable part of my vagina, and then from the crotch-grinding, and then again from how far he’s spreading my legs and the lips of my vajayjay open to make sure he gets every inch of himself up in there. He’s always been able to hold back on finishing until I get mine but now it’s taking him forty minutes to come.

He can tell I’m not enjoying the sex.

I used to answer the soft sexy murmurs of “Is it good for you?”

with gasps of “Mmmm-hmmmm”

“How good?”

“So good I can’t feel my legs. So good I’m going to squirt allllllllllll over your thighs.”

“This good?” He’d glide in and out slowly.

“Better” I’d whisper.

“This good?” he’d flip me over.

“Better. Better than ice cream. Better than finding the cure for cancer. Better than eating chocolate cake when you’re high. Better than anything I’ve ever felt. So good I’m gonna come harder than I’ve ever come before.”

Now he asks “Is it good for you?” and I wince out a strangled “It’s okay.”

One day we’re having sex so hard I’ve split my perineum, and mid-action I just call a time-out. He says “Five more minutes, babe, I’m almost there” and I say in tears “Okay, hurry up,” and finally the feminist in me is like naaaaah chile, this can’t continue, you’re making the ancestors cry. So as soon as he finishes I bring it up.

I say “You’re pounding me really hard. And the pelvis grind thing at the end of every thrust is super-painful. It leaves me raw. Having sex with you really hurts.”

He seems a little hurt, plenty disappointed, and says he hasn’t noticed anything different on his end. But he can tell he’s not rocking my world. We keep having sex and nothing is improving, he just tries to finish a little sooner. I take to jilling off before he slides in, hoping the orgasm will make the penetration feel a little better. But nothing good is happening. I’m stopping him every five minutes to squirt more lube up there.

One day we’re lying in bed and I start idly stroking his junk and I feel all this rough skin against my fingers. I peel back the sheets to inspect the goods and I notice that there is peeling skin on his stuff. I ask, in the most panicked voice in the universe, “Do you know your dick is peeling?!!!” and he shrugs and says “Hmm. I hadn’t noticed. It must be from the dry rubbing.” It turns out this brother, for God-knows-what reason, he claims it was because he couldn’t seem to find his lotion, had been masturbating with just his hand for the last six months. No lubrication, just gripping his junk and squeezing and rubbing to completion.

Of course, what the lubrication, whether it’s lotion or Vaseline or K-Y or whatever a man is using to masturbate, does is that it creates a smooth kind of friction, an increased sensation, a vagina-simulation if you will. According to an article in Salon.com “it provides a slippery base that can bring individuals closer to the sensation of real penetrative sex.” No lube means there is nothing but a rough hand against an uncoated penis and the only way to get enough friction for sensation is to increase pressure. As you increase pressure you get less sensitized and eventually you need to squeeze and tug on your junk harder and harder to have an orgasm. Then when you start having sex with a woman, whose vagina cannot offer the pressure of a grown man’s fist, you’re not getting enough friction to satisfy you fully. You know the rest. The whamming and the grinding starts. So does the delayed ejaculation which results in me being subjected to forty-minute torture sessions.

I didn’t know what to say to him. First of all, attend to your junk! It’s peeling. Second of all, how could this beautiful man with this beautifully responsive junk that I used to know exactly how to please have ruined my favorite source of Vitamin D? Thirdly, why was he masturbating so damn hard anyway?

My shock and horror surprises me because I’ve never been one of those women who has a problem with masturbation. I’ve been doing it since I was ten. I’ve always believed men masturbated for the same reason I did: because it felt amazing. Even though I masturbated much much less if I was having daily sex, I still would if my partner wasn’t immediately available and I was feeling horny. I understood the allure of just being able to please yourself without considering someone else’s feelings. Sex is a dance, you have to move with someone, and though this is stimulating and satisfying and mind-blowing it also requires a certain kind of focus and consideration.

Masturbation is flying solo, it’s uncomplicated, you know how to please yourself better and quicker than anyone ever will. It’s fuss-free and self-affirming and allows you to learn yourself better — both in the beginning and as you evolve. I watch porn, though I only patronize movies where the woman is obviously aroused. Even though I have several feminist arguments against the exploitation and sexualization of women, I do believe that there is ethical pornography out there and I hesitate to try to usurp women’s agency by telling them they are not enlightened enough to make choices about what they choose to do with their bodies. So I have no issue with men who watch porn. I will worry about extreme violence, and fetishes for girls who look very young, or any strain of porn that seems particularly dehumanizing to me, but I’m pretty much someone who subscribes to the notion that what turns someone on visually isn’t always indicative of some deep desire in their soul to have that thing. So I don’t feel as if my man watching porn is a rejection of me in any way. I don’t feel as if the women he watches looking different from me somehow means he desires me less or has some secret standard that I am not living up to. I believe we need to be comfortable enough with our men to talk to them about how they feel about self-pleasure, what turns them on, why it does, what reasonable things they wish could be incorporated into their reality — and be open enough that they can be honest without fear of judgment.

Yes, porn can be abused. And if a man uses porn and masturbation as a substitute for sex with an available intimate partner most of the time, I think it is a red flag that he doesn’t feel particularly connected or isn’t really interested in the extra hassle of having to integrate a living person into his sexual satisfaction. So it doesn’t mean dude isn’t into you if he watches porn but I would definitely have a talk if dude would rather watch porn than knock boots with you every single time. And I definitely feel as if if masturbation is desensitizing you to a person’s touch then you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

My ex’s problem wasn’t that he was watching too much porn, it was that he was holding his junk in a death grip. Hopefully, my horrified face at the peeling situation got him to get some help and get back on track because, luckily, desensitization can be reversed.  If you’re wondering if your man is masturbating too much my suggestion would be that the first order of business is to ask him. His masturbation could be a problem if it’s interfering with your general relationship, your emotional intimacy, your sexual connection. It could also be a problem if he’s using it as a crutch to cope with some psychological or physical issue. But if none of those things is happening I’d say let the man be. Go somewhere awesome, light some candles, put on some music and then lie back on the bed and give yourself some self-love too.

For more information about excessive male masturbation, see: WebMD, AskMen.com, and SteadyHealth.Com, Boldsky.com

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC