Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

We’re 94% Strong – A Hug For Hillary

Opinion No Comments

Stats show that unlike any other group, Black women showed Hillary love on election night. 94% of Black women voted for Hillary Clinton. We showed more support than any other group. So, don’t believe those outlets that want to give you the illusion that Blacks just didn’t vote for her.  And, don’t listen to those people who tell you this election shows more people came out for Trump than for love, justice, equality and tolerance. Hillary won the popular vote and this is expected to grow to 2 million or so. Combine Hillary’s numbers with those of third party candidates and the fact that fewer Republicans supported their candidate this year than they did in the last election, and it’s clear the numbers are not so much against her – or us. What is clear: People thought Hillary would win and stayed home or cast a protest vote for a third party.  They wouldn’t be out on the streets protesting everyday otherwise.

Democrats Republicans Third Party Total Voters
2016 61.1 Million 60.5 Million 6.9 Million 128.5 M
2012 65.9 Million 60.9 Million 2.4 Million 129.2 M

Source: Domineco Montanaro NPR based on NY Times projections

When you are straight up, stood up and abandoned – something we Sistas’ know a thing or two about out – you need a hug. You just need one big hug.

It is painful when you get all dressed up and ready for a date – knowing this is “the one” – and wait patiently only to find out not only is your date not coming, but he’s going out with somebody else.  You are in shock. Traumatized.

Hillary is in shock; we are all in shock. We all need a hug. Be kind and supportive of each other.

But, stay vigilant.

Hillary is strong Sista’ and so are we.  As SuzyKnew! has stated all through this election season, we need to stay strong and stay positive. With the support of each other, vigilance, and strong Sista’ leadership, we will get through this and blaze a path to a better way – and a better love.

 

 

How To Build Your Pleasure Chest

Love and Sex No Comments

In light of the somber mood following the U.S. elections, SuzyKnew! brings you something more pleasurable to focus your mind on from our guest blogger based in Ghana. This article is a follow-on from Your Sexualicious Self. 

To have great sex you first have to know what you like. Most of that comes from trial and error. It comes from finding out what turns you on even before you take off your clothes, whether it’s romance novels, erotic literature, porn, long yearning looks or poodles. Then it comes from exploring your body so you figure out what feels good, and learning how to make yourself come so you can teach someone else how to make it happen. And most importantly, it comes from figuring out the things that make up your optimal sexual experience and making sure they are a part of your sex life. The idea is to create a pleasure chest, a toolbox filled with a list of favorites: your favorite baby-making playlist, your favorite things to hear, your favorite foreplay moves, your favorite positions, you get the idea. You figure out what a sexual experience looks like for you and then you keep developing a list of the things you want to be present when you’re getting some. The first thing in my personal pleasure chest was finding the perfect condom.

See, I used to be a condom fanatic. I didn’t start having sex until I was 22 and someone had told me once, when I was younger, that having sex with a condom on was like trying to eat candy through the wrapper. It made an impression on my child brain. So I made a promise to myself: I was never going to have sex without a condom because then all I would know was wrapper-covered candy and I wasn’t going to miss the amazing fully-tasted candy that I had never had. This absolute dedication to condoms, and terror of being tempted to bareback it and then never being able to return to responsible behavior, meant that I couldn’t be casual about what kind of condom was starring in the play when I was knocking boots. A lot of women use condoms as their preferred form of birth control and STD prevention but its shocking how few of us think we have any say in which condom is invited to the party in our pants. We figure the guy is the one wearing it so we let the guy pick it and unless it gives us some kind of adverse reaction or infection we just kind of go with the flow.

Nah, chile, naaaaaaaahhhhh. I decided that since condoms were integral to my sexual activity I needed to find the best condom possible. Adequate, just wasn’t going to do. So I tried a bunch of different ones. I started with some random Durex that my boyfriend had picked up at the grocery store and immediately decided no bueno. So I did some research and then switched to a non-lubricated kind that worked amazingly with that partner for the entire relationship. Then I got a different partner and realized that that condom didn’t feel good anymore. So I went on a quest for the perfect condom. There are a bunch of condoms:

  1. What I call the normal kind: So here, we’re talking about non-lubricated condoms (which are just a rubber condom with no lube on it, for the women who produce oodles of lubrication, for couples who prefer to use a lube of their choice, or for folks who like dry sex). We’re talking about lightly-lubricated condoms (which have a small amount of lube on them to help the condom slip in but won’t provide much moisture for a whole round of sexing). And then we’re talking about lubricated condoms (which load up on the lube for maximum ease when sliding in and thrusting). With lubricated condoms you can decide between the ones with the standard silicon-based lubricant on them or the ones with water-based lube.
  1. Then come what I call the gimmicky condoms: So here we’re talking glow-in-the-dark condoms (which make dicks look like neon light-sabers and make them easy to find in the dark). We’re talking about colored condoms (which come in a rainbow of colors and allow you to match the guy’s junk to your sheets if you want). We’re talking about tantric-style condoms (which have tattoo patterns on them if you want something pretty to look at). We’re talking about flavored condoms (which are good for oral and for people who like fragrances in their naughty bits) and we’re also talking about edible condoms (which are for oral only and don’t provide any STD or pregnancy protection),
  1. Then come what I call the specially-engineered condoms: So here we’re talking about pleasure-enhancing condoms (which are shaped to allow for space at the tip of the condom so the guy feels increased sensation when thrusting and you get some extra feelings when the flared or mushroom top of the condom is rubbing against your naughty bits). We’re talking about studded condoms (which have studs, ribs, rings and raised parts that provide extra friction for the woman and added stimulation for the guy) and French-tickler condoms (which have actual rubber tickler tips, nodules, nubs and ridges on the outside of the condoms that tickle the inner walls of the vajayjay, but are not for STD and pregnancy prevention). We’re also talking about warming condoms (which increase sensation by warming up when you get moist and providing a pleasant slow low kind of heat during the humpty-hump) and talking about tingling condoms (which have mint in them that tingles and intensifies sensation). Other specially-engineered condoms are sensis condoms (which have “quikstrips,” designed to make them more error-proof when you are putting them on).

Condoms also come in different materials (lambskin — which aren’t too safe, latex — which are the most common kind, polyurethane, and polyisoprene). They come in varying thicknesses, from regular thickness, like the Trojan ENZ Non-Lubricated Condom I used to favor

trojan

to super-thin, like the Beyond Seven Sheerlon Latex Male Condom, which I later became a big fan of.

condom-beyond-seven

In my quest to find my perfect prophylactic I discovered that I didn’t much care about the color, flavor, smell and taste of my condoms. So the gimmicky ones all didn’t do it for me. I liked my condoms either non-lubricated or lightly-lubricated since the highly-lubricated ones sometimes felt oily and didn’t match the silkiness of my natural wetness. I didn’t mind ridges and bumps but they didn’t drive me nuts. What mattered the most was the thinness of the condom. I liked feeling every line and texture and groove on my lover’s junk when it was inside me and the closest condoms could come to skin the better for me the sex was.

So I tried the “thin” versions of all the major condom brands. They were all kind of…okay. So then I tried brands made outside the U.S., which are all easy to find online and in any sex shop. That led me to my favorite condom:

The Japanese-engineered Kimono MicroThin Condom:

condom-kiimono

And my second-favorite, the Thai-based Crown Latex Male Condom, which are almost as awesome as the Kimono MicroThins but cost less.

condom-crown

You’re thinking this sounds kinda involved, aren’t you? Maybe you’re thinking “It ain’t that big a deal, lady, I’m all about head anyway.” And that’s fair. But if penetration gets you off, or you are a big believer in safe oral sex and use condoms for fellatio, or you just want to maximize pleasure for however long or short the actual humping is, this process can be very simple, and very fun. Try one category.  If you like it explore other things in that category till you find something that blows your mind. There are lots of hybrids too so if you love a bunch of different features, like say studs, warming and thinness you’ll find it. A lot of sex shops offer free condom samples so you can taste the rainbow without dropping any moolah and only start purchasing when you settle on what you like.

In my experience, your holy grail condom will usually be a favorite for your partner too. Different condoms might also work better with different people or at different times so you might find yourself with two or three favorites that you alternate depending on who has the privilege of being between your sheets. There might have to be some tiny compromises, for example my partner was very well-endowed and the Kimonos were too snug around the base, so we had to find Large Kimono MicroThins, which I thought were a hairsbreadth thicker than the Regular MicroThins. (My partner said it was all in my head because it’s the same damn condom and he was probably right). Either way, the compromise didn’t diminish my pleasure one bit. I also know of a couple where the woman liked a tingling condom but the guy wasn’t the biggest fan because it made him come too quickly so they would start with a tingling condom to get her going and then change to a studded one to finish her off.  So believe me when I say that with a little imagination both you and your man can find your perfect happy place.

If you don’t have one steady partner to take this journey with, the condom search can be even easier. For casual encounters you can keep a bunch of condoms in your purse or car or in a drawer in your room for when you guys go back to your place. You’ll feel like a badass when you slide open your drawer and choose what you want instead of watching him fumble around in his pocket or wallet. You can cycle through the different condoms with the different partners until you find the one(s) that hit(s) your spot and then make that your go-to. You will take ownership of an important part of your sex life and be on your way to building your very own pleasure chest.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.

A ‘Bad Hombre’ Who Won’t Accept Losing

Opinion No Comments

Okay, Ladies, the election is almost over.  After months of lies, vulgarity, and horror that have caused way too much stress, this election will finally be over Tuesday. (Or, so we hope.) But, if Madame Clinton prevails, will The Donald accept the loss? This is the big question. It would be like a bad relationship gone wrong. We’ve all suffered through a man who won’t accept losing you .

What do you do when you have a “Bad Hombre” who won’t accept losing?

A graceful exit isn’t always possible. Yes, in our world, we may be Queens and Princesses and believe our men will be gentlemanly and understanding when the relationship comes to an end. But, our world isn’t always the reality we have to live in. And, even princesses can find themselves romantically involved with toads, fools, buffoons, and idiots to name a few.

SuzyKnew!’s advice is always stay a lady when dealing with a man who refuses to let you go. But, be firm – and be safe.  We are just finishing October – domestic violence month. So Suzy knows violence can happen.  Like, Hillary we are all vulnerable to being targets of violence.

According to the Griot, five Republican politicians have called for the murder of Hillary, by hanging or gunshot. Trump supporters are openly calling for civil war, violent revolution and assassination if the GOP nominee — who may not accept the election results — loses.

So, ladies, be prepared and stay strong. Stay positive. We’ll get through this just like we got through our last bad relationship.

Photo courtesy of the Daily Beast.

Do You Sometimes Feel Like There’s A Witch Hunt After You – Like Hillary Clinton?

Opinion No Comments

Ladies, it’s Halloween. Time for trick or treat. But, if you’re a trail-blazing, visionary lady – especially a Sista’ – you may be dealing with more tricks than treats, like Hillary. The latest trickery the presidential candidate is confronting is the FBI Director saying he found some new emails that need investigating.  Really? At this late date?

Now, doesn’t this sound like the same foolishness we have to deal with on a regular basis? So much so we sometimes feel like we’re being hunted – like a witch.

Remember watching Hillary’s face during the debates while she waited patiently for The Donald to finish his nonsensical rant – most of which were lies and all delivered with arrogance and hubris. Written on Hillary’s face was, “You mean I graduated from Yale Law School just to deal with this buffoon?”

Yes, ladies, many of us have to deal with buffoons. And, they can get nasty, if you sparkle too much. We know that feeling.  There you are doing your stuff, making your magic, when someone with half your experience or knowledge starts spewing nonsense and steals your thunder.  This could be at work, in your ‘hood, or even in your family! And the next thing you know you’re being hunted like a witch.

Yes, some people really believe Hillary is a witch (Google it.)  Back during her Arkansas days, Hillary would meet in Los Angeles once a month with a group of women that one Washington insider said was a “part of a witches’ church.

We feel you, Hillary. And we’re here to say “Stay strong, Sista'”

And, dear you gentle SuzyKnew! reader, don’t lose your sparkle. Keep making your magic. Enjoy your Halloween. Forget all the tricks people may have played on you during the year and treat yourself to thrills and fun.

happy-halloween-hd-wallpapers

Photo courtesy of PBS.org

 

How To Stop Premenstrual Spotting – Holly Grigg-Spall

Reproductive Health No Comments

Menstruation Mechanic Dr. Lara Briden tackles the topic of spotting prior to your period

By: Holly Grigg-Spall April 5, 2016

Dr Lara Briden is a naturopathic doctor. She currently practices at Sensible-Alternative Hormone Clinic in Sydney, Australia. She is also the author of the popular troubleshooting guide, “Period Repair Manual.”  For more on her work go to LaraBriden.com.

Dear Menstruation Mechanic, Lara Briden,

“I’ve had 7-9 days of premenstrual spotting since some stress a few months ago. My cycle also shortened to 23 days. I tried magnesium, which reduced the spotting and brought my cycle back out to 26 days, but now on my third cycle with magnesium the spotting is back. What’s causing this? Should I be more patient with the magnesium or try something else like vitex or bio-identical progesterone? … Cathrine”

 

Dear Cathrine,

Great question about premenstrual spotting.

First I’ll discuss spotting in general, or as your gynecologist likes to call it: Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding (DUB).

Bleeding between periods can occur for a number of different reasons. Light bleeding with ovulation is the result of a slight drop in estrogen, and is normal. Bleeding throughout the month and after sex can be due to an infection or a condition called endometriosis. It’s something to see your doctor about, especially if you also notice pain with sex. Bleeding throughout the month can occur with a hormonal condition called polycystic hormone syndrome (PCOS), and is also something to get checked out. Finally, spotting can be an early sign of a pregnancy or miscarriage.

Spotting between pill bleeds is called “breakthrough bleeding” and is something completely different. It’s nothing to do with your own hormones (remember, hormonal birth control switches off your body’s own hormones). Instead, breakthrough bleeding is the result of an incorrect dosage of whichever synthetic steroid combination your doctor gave you, and may need to be adjusted. Bleeding is also common during the few months after the insertion of an intrauterine device (IUD).

But Cathrine, your question is about premenstrual spotting, which is none of those things.

From the perspective of conventional medicine, a few days of premenstrual spotting is normal, and is viewed simply as a gradual start to a menstrual bleed. From a functional medicine (optimal health) perspective, premenstrual spotting is not ideal. It means your uterine lining is shedding early because there  has not been enough progesterone to hold it all the way to the end of your luteal phase (post-ovulation phase).

You also noticed a shortened cycle. It would be interesting to know if it was your luteal phase that had shortened, and furthermore, if your basal body temperatures dipped in your luteal phase. Those things, and the fact that you spot for so long (7-9 days), are all further evidence of a progesterone deficiency.

Progesterone deficiency can be the result of stress, as you found. It happens because 1) stress impairs the quality of ovulation (remember, ovulation is how you make progesterone), and 2) stress causes your body to “steal” progesterone to make more stress hormone cortisol.

The solution is to reduce stress as much as possible and to take magnesium to regulate your stress regulatory system (also called the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal or HPA axis). You had some results from that, which is great.

The fact that your spotting improved, but then returned suggests that something else might be going on. One of the most common reasons for progesterone deficiency and protracted premenstrual spotting is underactive thyroid. I discuss underactive thyroid as a cause of premenstrual spotting in Rachel’s patient story in Chapter 5 of my book. It would be worth asking your doctor for a thyroid test, especially if you’ve noticed any other symptoms of underactive thyroid such as hair loss and dry skin.

If your thyroid is normal, then Yes, you could consider the herbal medicine Vitex to boost progesterone, or even a few months on a natural progesterone cream. Please speak to your doctor or naturopathic doctor before using progesterone. (More about progesterone cream in a future instalment!)

What To Do With Your ‘Locker-Room-Talking’ Donald Trump Man

Opinion No Comments

The Donald was exposed – yet again – as a nasty man on the Billy Bush video when he was caught engaging in what he called “locker-room” talk about grabbing women’s privates.  Men – especially athletes – came running out to announce they never engage in such dirty talk (especially about sexual assault) – even in the locker room. But, ladies, I’m here to tell you that this type of talk happens all the time – between men, and yes with women, too. Let’s not be so self-righteous. Men do brag about what they have done (consensually) or what they would like to do with a woman or think they can get away with. And, it can get graphic. And funny.

Ladies, I confess I’ve chuckled along with a few men who’ve confided in me what they’d like to do with various women. I remember a guy friend in grad school sharing with me his views on which women he thought were easy and which ones he thought would never “put out.” He said one woman “looks like she could take on a whole football team.”  Barely over 20 and inexperienced, I thought about this comment and found it hilarious. The woman had swagger and bravado. I didn’t know what a woman “who could take on a whole football team,” looked like. But, I thought it would definitely be her with her “devil-may-care,” ultra confident and ambitious, ultra sexy look. She could do one man after the other and still want more. My friend and I laughed about this for months.  My feminist self felt ashamed about laughing but my carefree self said, “This is all in fun. It’s just a joke shared between two friends.” Besides, although the man obviously had sexist views about women – he was hot!. And, I thought he was flirting with me. (Not.) I liked the attention.

Looking back on this, I think it’s too bad I didn’t have the confidence this woman had. I’m sure her confidence took her far.  (She’s probably doing more than writing SuzyKnew!)

And, I wonder what happened to my guy friend. I ask friends about him but no one has seen him. Was he able to find true love or did his insecurity and limited view of women prevent him from forming a deep relationship? Is he sitting at home thinking about all the “locker-room” talk he’s engaged in, including our conversations, feeling embarrassed about sounding like Donald Trump? Does he realize that like The Donald, he, too, may lack the temperament to be president of the United States?

He’s not alone, and we women are a part of the conversation.

Are You In An Abusive Relationship? An ASK JANICE SPECIAL

Ask Janice No Comments

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!  The team at SuzyKnew! is all about raising awareness and advocating for this important issue.  Too many people fail to understand the nuances and dynamics of an abusive relationship.  In fact, many people don’t realize that domestic abuse is much more than just physical violence.

Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence (IPV), is defined as any abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetuated by one intimate partner against another.  It can include physical assault & battery, rape/sexual assault, psychological violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial control/abuse. 

In the U.S. alone, IPV is the leading cause of injury to women, ages 15-45, higher than car accidents, muggings and rapes, combined.  A woman is brutalized every 9 seconds, and women between ages 18-34 are especially vulnerable.

Contrary to popular opinion, IPV doesn’t discriminate.  It can happen to anyone, regardless of race, color, nationality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, physical ability, religion, socio-economic status, education, or geography.  It happens in small towns, big cities, rural areas, and suburbia.  It happens in affluent communities and poor neighborhoods.  It happens in LBGTQ relationships and straight relationships.

from-hello-beautiful-dot-com

It. Can. Happen. To. Anyone.

Could you or someone you know be in an abusive relationship?  Here are a few things to look for if you’re wondering (in no particular order):

  1. You feel scared for yourself, your kids, or your pets most of the time.
  2. You feel guilt and shame about your relationship.
  3. You feel controlled financially. You have limited or no access to money.  You’re forbidden to earn your own money.  You don’t participate in any financial decisions.
  4. You feel controlled You’re isolated from friends & family; you may even isolate yourself out of fear or shame.  You don’t do the things you used to enjoy.
  5. You’ve been coerced or forced to have sex when you didn’t want to (which is rape, by the way, even within marriage).
  6. Your partner demeans you and calls you names, making you feel like you can’t do anything right.
  7. Your partner is overly possessive of you, your time and your attention.
  8. Your partner threatens suicide if you talk about ending the relationship.
  9. You, your kids, your family or your pet(s) have been threatened.
  10. You, your kids, your family or your pet(s) have been threatened with a weapon.
  11. Your partner threatens to take your kids or pets away from you if you don’t comply with their demands or talk about leaving.
  12. Your partner physically attacks
  13. Your partner rarely takes responsibility for their behavior. If he/she gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. Or, if he/she beats you, it’s your fault for whatever you “did” to make him/her upset.

If you or someone you know is in trouble, don’t hesitate to seek help from domestic violence professionals.  Be careful, though.  When attempting to help someone else, do NOT do it alone.  You may be putting yourself and the person who’s being abused at risk.  Work with professionals.  In the U.S., you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. 

Outside the U.S., please use caution when searching online for help.  Many IPV help sites can be exited quickly, without leaving a digital trace.  Still, always be diligent about clearing your search history if you can’t use a safer device than your own.  Domesticshelters.org may also be able to help.

Stay safe, and do your part to End Domestic Violence Now

My Child’s Father Keeps Pursuing Me: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments

Hi Janice,

I’ve been going back and for with this guy (mostly sexually) for 9 years.  In that time, he’s only committed to me once, and then promptly broke up with me once he found out I was pregnant.  We co-parent, but a year after our break-up and the birth of our child, he committed to another woman he’d been seeing during my pregnancy (and likely before).  He continues to contact me regularly, insisting that we maintain a sexual relationship, even though he says he loves the person he’s with now.  Before I knew he was committed to someone else, I was sleeping with him.  But I stopped after I found out and was hurt.  He continues to pursue me, though.  And other than telling me he still “likes” me, he won’t be honest about what’s really going on.  Can you PLEASE share your perspective?

Sincerely,

Bothered

(This letter has been edited for space.)

 

Dear Bothered.

Girl, other than co-parenting with him, you need to LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE!

First of all, of course he’s going to keep after you for sex … you willingly slept with him without a commitment for 9 years!  He believes he’s entitled to it forever.  As far as he’s concerned, you don’t deserve to be anything more to him than a “jump off” who happens to be the mother of his child.

Remember the age-old adage: What you allow is what will continue.

But listen to me: you DO deserve more!  You deserve to be more than just a sex toy for a man who doesn’t respect you enough to give you a commitment!  You deserve more than just dirty sheets, sore thighs and a possible STD!  YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!

And the fact that you keep asking him what’s going on with his woman only adds to his already inflated ego, Girlfriend.  Stop asking.  You aren’t his friend and he’s not yours.  You can be friendly for the sake of your child, of course.  But the only thing you all need to regularly discuss is the child you share.

He is who he is, and he isn’t going to change: he’s a selfish, dirty dog who will keep chasing tail.  Need proof?  He still pesters you for sex while he’s in a so-called “committed” relationship.  That right there tells you all you need to know about this guy!  He didn’t commit to you after 9 years, and he’s clearly not committed to her, either.

And he claims to “love” her, while sniffing after you?  Yeah, right.

I know you have a child with this joker, and I hope he’s a good father.  But like I said before, you need to leave this man alone.  You deserve a man who will make you a priority, rather than just an option.  You deserve a relationship built on respect, trust, and honesty, rather than booty calls.  You’re worthy of so much more, Sis.

Please remember that you (and you alone) determine your worth.  Too many women seek validation from having a man and being in a “relationship”, no matter how demeaning.  We have to do better.

You need to do whatever it takes to elevate your self-esteem enough to never, ever settle for anything less than you deserve.  You need to love yourself enough to be able to walk away from anything or anyone that doesn’t recognize and respect your greatness.  You need to look in the mirror and see that you are someone deserving and worthy of real and true love, and then govern yourself accordingly.

As the late, great Nina Simone once said, “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served”.  I would add, “Don’t even sit at the table if love’s not being served”.

That’s my perspective.  Good luck.

Your Sexualicious Self

Love and Sex No Comments

Okay Ladies,

The year is winding down so there’s been a lot of introspection. Your girl has been on a journey to unpack her sexual identity and as I’ve thought through things some stuff that I hadn’t really given much thought to has been illuminated. We’ve discussed how I’ve always thought of myself as a feminist and an ardent advocate for sexual pleasure in bed, right? Yeah. So it will probably surprise you as much as it surprised me when I started thinking through my sexual experiences and realized that this year I had failed to be the person I thought I was. Somewhere along the line I had stopped being honest about what I liked. I had had painful, uncomfortable sex more than once without saying anything and there had been times when I wanted to change positions or ask for something but had just felt like it was too much trouble. I had lost my voice. I used to throw my head back when I was on top and feel like a goddess as I was riding the guy and that hadn’t happened at all this year. Huh? What? How? I had to start asking myself some questions. As I asked myself more and more questions the picture I got of my sexual history and my self-care practices got fuller and fuller. So I’m going to share some of the questions with y’all:

  1. How many sexual encounters did you have this year?
  2. How often did you enjoy yourself during the sex?
  3. How often did you orgasm and/or feel satisfied and satiated after the sex?
  4. What things made you orgasm or feel satisfied? Who did them, you or your partner?
  5. How often did you feel comfortable vocalizing your desires, preferences, fantasies etc.?
  6. How often were your partners receptive to your requests or feedback? Which partners were they?
  7. Did you do something you were uncomfortable with or found less than pleasurable? If so, how often? With whom?
  8. How often did you zone out during sex? Do you remember what was happening at those times? What things made you engaged and what things made you disconnect?
  9. How often was your preferred form of STD prevention or birth control used? Were there times your request for condom use or the pull-out method were denied or ignored? And if so, how often? With whom?
  10. How often did you feel self-conscious about your body? What were you self-conscious about? At what times were you the most self-conscious? At what times were you the least self-conscious? Did the person you were with do something that made you self-conscious? What was it?
  11. How often did you feel light-hearted and carefree and relaxed? When were those times? Who were they with? What was happening?
  12. How much time did you spend with your sex partner(s) outside the bedroom? Were you satisfied with your non-sexual relationship with the person i.e. were they fulfilling the purpose you wanted them to (whether it was as a fuck buddy, Netflix-and-chiller, side piece, sugar daddy, husband, boyfriend, intimate lover, soul mate etc.?)
  13. How often did sex leave you feeling better than you were feeling earlier? How often did the sex leave you feeling worse? Did you feel like you were getting what you needed or wanted?

This exercise can take a while; you don’t have to do it in one sitting. There might be things you don’t have answers to, things you don’t remember, things you frankly don’t think you need to think about because they don’t matter one way or another to you. That’s all okay. Answer the questions you want to. And remember that no one has the right to privilege one type of sex over another. Sometimes a casual encounter where there is no hair stroking and forehead kissing and soul meeting is exactly what a girl needs. An orgasm is not always the ultimate goal of sex and sometimes it can be a journey rather than a destination. Sometimes the energy required to advocate for your own pleasure isn’t worth it for someone you have no deep connection with and don’t intend to continue sleeping with (on a regular basis). So this isn’t a measure of “Are you an empowered sista?” “Are you having sex the right way?” “Would Maya Angelou be proud of you?” The idea behind this is simply to take an honest assessment of what your sexual footprint is and have an honest discussion with yourself about whether sex is fulfilling its goal, whatever that is, for you. Even if the goal of the sex is to have no goal at all. It’s just a check-in, girl. And you don’t have to evaluate 2016, you can ask yourself the questions about the past five years, the past ten years or the lifespan of your sexual life.

What this list did for me was that it helped me see trends. Sex with this particular person at this particular time in this particular way made me feel shitty. Good to know. No more nookie for him. Sex in this place pushed my buttons, sex without dirty talk was nothing to write home about. Good to know. More Twi in the guest bathroom at my aunt’s house. For my friend Esi the list helped her choose between the two guys she was seeing. She asked herself how often she had enjoyed sex in the past year and realized it was about 60% of the time; she asked herself how often she felt self-conscious in bed and like she couldn’t express herself and realized it was about 50% of the time, and then she started thinking about the specific instances where she felt good or bad and it hit her that, OMG, all the fun times were with Mike… The non-fun times were with Yaw, the other guy she was seeing. So she was able to do some soul-searching about why sex with Yaw was so fraught for her and she came to the conclusion that when she was with him she was constantly comparing herself to his ex-girlfriend. Why did this happen? Oh, that’s right, because he talked about his ex alllllllllllllll the time. And sometimes when he was inside her he seemed to go someplace else in his head.

Yaw gave excellent head and was more intense so she had just assumed that sex with him was great. She was using that metric a lot of us use: “Is he an accomplished cunning linguist? Yes. Does he take control? Yes. Okay then, he’s putting it down!” But she realized that was an arbitrary measure once she started picking it apart. When she really thought about it, she was like, hey, Mike wasn’t less passionate, he was just less aggressive. And when she gave that some more thought, she realized that it was probably because he was scared about hurting her because he was a really big guy. Mike didn’t go down on her much and when he did, no two ways about it, his technique wasn’t as good as Yaw’s. But when she brought up oral sex casually one time on his couch she realized that Mike just hadn’t had much practice at it. All the women he had dated before her were really self-conscious about him being down there and so he had just sort of decided that it was something he would wait for women to explicitly request. He didn’t get asked much so he didn’t get any better at it. Esi was able to figure out that she needed to communicate more of her desires to Mike and that sex with Mike was good because it was fun, he didn’t expect perfection, and they could have tickling sessions in between Round One and Round Two. He didn’t look as good on paper as Yaw did but he made her feel better. And with this newfound self-awareness she was able to make some executive decisions. Spoiler: Yaw got dumped.

So yeah, take a minute and swirl some of these questions around in your head. I’ve realized that a lot of us think of our sexual experiences as a blur with highlights of pleasure or disappointment — with a few breakout stars and some highly forgettable extras. We need to start figuring out what makes us come, what makes us happy and what version of ourselves we are when we are getting some. It will help us build a complete picture of who we are so we can start the work of loving all parts of that person unconditionally. It will be a crazy big step in becoming our best selves.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.

How To Talk Dirty While Intimate: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments
Femme Fatale

Hi Janice,

I stumbled across your blog and I love it!  I love the tips, topics, honesty and openness; I’m just an all-around fan!  I can relate to most of what I’ve read.

I was in a relationship for most of my young adulthood: 12 years to be exact.  Although I’m open and adventurous and very sexual, I recently found that there is one major area that’s completely foreign to me, and I can’t stand it: talking dirty while being intimate!

I’m such a novice and I have to change that!  My current friend is really into it.  But I’ve never done it because the one I was with for 12 years wasn’t into it.

This is something I want to master for me.  The added bonus would be that it’s another way to drive my current friend crazy.  When I try to say things during the act, it doesn’t do it for him and he doesn’t respond, which is discouraging.  I don’t lay there silently by any means, but more dirty talk is what’s missing and what’s needed to make something great even better.

I tried your suggestion of listening to songs, but that hasn’t helped much.  Are there any tips or help you can give me with this? A class or something? I would so greatly appreciate it 

Thanks.

A Future Fluent Erotic Talker

(This letter was edited for space and format.)

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Dear Future Fluent Erotic Talker:

First of all, thanks so much for your support!  We here at SuzyKnew! really appreciate it.

I absolutely love that you want to get better at dirty talk for YOU, and that pleasing your current friend is the added bonus.  So often, we turn ourselves inside out to please our partners, but rarely do we seek to elevate our sex skills for ourselves.  You’ve empowered me, today!  Thank you!

Let me begin to telling you that you’ve already taken the hardest step towards stepping up your dirty talk game: getting your mind right.  As I often say, our brain is our most important sex organ.  Specifically, our mindset is what enables us to take great sex and make it better.  You already have the desire (the right mindset) to get more fluent in dirty talk, and that’s more than half the battle!

That said and based on your letter, I do think the next step for you is an honest conversation with your current partner.  And I’d suggest having this talk outside the bedroom, fully clothed and when you’re both able to be totally present and open.  Gently bring up the fact that you want to enhance your already great sex life with more dirty talk on your part, and then ask what he likes to hear.  For me, there are certain phrases and words that hit the target every time, and certain things that turn me off completely.  Find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like.  It doesn’t have to be too specific, but you want to get a general idea.

For example, some men get off on being called “Daddy” during sex, but it totally freaks other men out.  Some women like being cursed at, but some hate being called out their name.  Some people like to be bossed around (“Do this”, “Faster.” “Harder”).  Others get off on doing the bossing.

Usually, it’s a matter of trial and error.  But in your case, a conversation with your current friend is definitely in order.  Plus, it opens the door for you to ask for what you want more of (or less of) in bed.

Which brings me to my next point and that is to remember that sex is another form of communication that involves ALL the senses: sight, taste, touch, smell and of course, SOUND.  So dirty talk is simply a way to continue the conversation the rest of your body is already having.  And like any conversation, it shouldn’t be forced.  It should ebb and flow naturally.

In other words, don’t try so hard!  Be natural.  Relax.  Be in the moment and speak your truth in that moment.  If it feels good, say it.  And say why it feels good and how it could feel even better.  If you pull a new move out of your bag of tricks, ask him how it feels and how it could feel better.

Get out of your head and listen to your body.  Listen to your friend’s body.  Listen to his conversation leading up to sex and go from there.  What does he say to let you know he’s in the mood?  Take that and continue talking about it in the bedroom.

And when all else fails, throw out a compliment, or two.  Everyone loves to hear how sexy they are, especially when they’re naked!

Finally, like any skill, dirty talk takes practice.  The more you do it, the better you’ll be.  Keep trying.  Seek honest feedback from your friend.

Most importantly, be confident.  You can’t be timid with dirty talk (unless your sex play calls for it, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation).  You gotta say it like you mean it!

Good luck and keep in touch!