How To Talk Dirty While Intimate: ASK JANICE

Femme Fatale

Hi Janice,

I stumbled across your blog and I love it!  I love the tips, topics, honesty and openness; I’m just an all-around fan!  I can relate to most of what I’ve read.

I was in a relationship for most of my young adulthood: 12 years to be exact.  Although I’m open and adventurous and very sexual, I recently found that there is one major area that’s completely foreign to me, and I can’t stand it: talking dirty while being intimate!

I’m such a novice and I have to change that!  My current friend is really into it.  But I’ve never done it because the one I was with for 12 years wasn’t into it.

This is something I want to master for me.  The added bonus would be that it’s another way to drive my current friend crazy.  When I try to say things during the act, it doesn’t do it for him and he doesn’t respond, which is discouraging.  I don’t lay there silently by any means, but more dirty talk is what’s missing and what’s needed to make something great even better.

I tried your suggestion of listening to songs, but that hasn’t helped much.  Are there any tips or help you can give me with this? A class or something? I would so greatly appreciate it 


A Future Fluent Erotic Talker

(This letter was edited for space and format.)


Dear Future Fluent Erotic Talker:

First of all, thanks so much for your support!  We here at SuzyKnew! really appreciate it.

I absolutely love that you want to get better at dirty talk for YOU, and that pleasing your current friend is the added bonus.  So often, we turn ourselves inside out to please our partners, but rarely do we seek to elevate our sex skills for ourselves.  You’ve empowered me, today!  Thank you!

Let me begin to telling you that you’ve already taken the hardest step towards stepping up your dirty talk game: getting your mind right.  As I often say, our brain is our most important sex organ.  Specifically, our mindset is what enables us to take great sex and make it better.  You already have the desire (the right mindset) to get more fluent in dirty talk, and that’s more than half the battle!

That said and based on your letter, I do think the next step for you is an honest conversation with your current partner.  And I’d suggest having this talk outside the bedroom, fully clothed and when you’re both able to be totally present and open.  Gently bring up the fact that you want to enhance your already great sex life with more dirty talk on your part, and then ask what he likes to hear.  For me, there are certain phrases and words that hit the target every time, and certain things that turn me off completely.  Find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like.  It doesn’t have to be too specific, but you want to get a general idea.

For example, some men get off on being called “Daddy” during sex, but it totally freaks other men out.  Some women like being cursed at, but some hate being called out their name.  Some people like to be bossed around (“Do this”, “Faster.” “Harder”).  Others get off on doing the bossing.

Usually, it’s a matter of trial and error.  But in your case, a conversation with your current friend is definitely in order.  Plus, it opens the door for you to ask for what you want more of (or less of) in bed.

Which brings me to my next point and that is to remember that sex is another form of communication that involves ALL the senses: sight, taste, touch, smell and of course, SOUND.  So dirty talk is simply a way to continue the conversation the rest of your body is already having.  And like any conversation, it shouldn’t be forced.  It should ebb and flow naturally.

In other words, don’t try so hard!  Be natural.  Relax.  Be in the moment and speak your truth in that moment.  If it feels good, say it.  And say why it feels good and how it could feel even better.  If you pull a new move out of your bag of tricks, ask him how it feels and how it could feel better.

Get out of your head and listen to your body.  Listen to your friend’s body.  Listen to his conversation leading up to sex and go from there.  What does he say to let you know he’s in the mood?  Take that and continue talking about it in the bedroom.

And when all else fails, throw out a compliment, or two.  Everyone loves to hear how sexy they are, especially when they’re naked!

Finally, like any skill, dirty talk takes practice.  The more you do it, the better you’ll be.  Keep trying.  Seek honest feedback from your friend.

Most importantly, be confident.  You can’t be timid with dirty talk (unless your sex play calls for it, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation).  You gotta say it like you mean it!

Good luck and keep in touch!