Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

Soiled Virginity: The Jana, Jill, And Jessa Duggar Story

Love and Sex Opinion Religion No Comments

As the sad, sordid story of Josh Duggar’s molestation of his sisters and his parents’ cover up continues to unfold, one story isn’t being told: what happens to young girls when they become soiled virgins. Even though the family, including the girls themselves, are trying to downplay the molestation, forced sexual activity at a young age causes lifelong harm to women, especially those who pledge to remain “pure” until marriage. SuzyKnew! provides a fresh feminist, Christian perspective on this topic rarely covered by the media.

The Bible teaches us that our bodies are temples and we should keep them pure. Ephesians 5:5 states For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. As Christians – very conservative Christians – it is certain the Duggar girls took these teachings to heart.  Denial, fear, dispair or all three emotions must have run through their minds when they were molested by their brother at such a young age. Losing their purity to their brother, the Duggar girls may have fallen into depression or acted out in other ways that may have also been covered up by the family. How could Jesus – or their future husbands – still love them?

These feelings are best explained by a quote found on the Response Church website from a young woman who lost her purity but kept her virginity-

I was alone, ashamed and had no one to talk to. I was so confused because I still had my virginity. I grew up in the church and so many of the teachings on purity was about being a virgin for your husband. So, why was I so consumed with the shame and disappointment as if I had had sex? Even though I maintained my virginity, I gave away my purity. It was clear to me that my actions in that moment were not acceptable to God’s standards. When I chose to be impure, I butchered the gift of purity in which Jesus died for. I realized that if I did not value my purity, a gift God gave me…

Even though the girls did not consent to the molestation they may have wondered if their dress, actions or behavior may have caused their brother Josh to act inappropriately, leaving them feeling guilty. Many conservative Christian thinkers blame women for rape and molestation, calling these occurrences signs of moral failures, making it very hard for these girls and women to heal and find peace. 1 Peter 5:8 states Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. How horrible to realize your own brother is the adversary you have to be watchful of. Josh Duggar’s touching happened in the bed, during chores and other places in the home. The Duggar sisters’ innocence was robbed from them.

Wearing the purity rings given to them as teenagers by their parents may have given the young sisters something physical to feel that their impurity was being washed away. But no one knows deep the trauma was or what the girls may still be going through. Jessa and Jill admitted to being among their brother Josh’s victims but the eldest Jana has not spoken out. Even if she wasn’t among the brother’s targets, she most likely knew what was going on and also saw how her parents turned a blind eye for so long. Is this partially why Jana Duggar remains unmarried while her younger sisters have already left the household for marriage? Is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) preventing her from bonding with a male after witnessing violation by men firsthand at home?

Neither Jill nor Jessa wore a white dress for her wedding. Many speculate it’s because they slept with their fiances before the wedding. But, maybe the girls refused to wear white because they knew their brother had already taken their purity when they were very young.

In their book Growing Up Duggar, the women explain courtship and their brand of traditional relationships below, revealing how deeply painful and conflicted this molestation must have left them regardless of their public statements:

The girl may so yearn to feel valued and accepted by a male that she gives in to the boy’s desires. But too often the boy’s ‘love’ for her turns out to be fleeting, and the girl is left cast off and degraded. From there, things can easily spiral downward as the girl’s yearning to feel valued intensifies and she seeks acceptance from the next boy who comes along. We hear from a lot of girls in this painful situation.

As many conservative Christians would see it, Jill and Jessa Duggar were not pure for their husbands. They had been violated in the worst way: genital touching by a family member. Adding salt to the wound, the girls’ parents dismissed the violation as no big deal because most of the times the girls had their clothes on. The Duggars are more concerned about how people got the police reports to tell the story than the lifetime permanent damage left on their daughters. They do not realize that they have failed as Christian parents to protect the one singular thing devout Christian and other religious parents strive for: the purity and virginity of their daughters.

It’s one thing if your daughter gets carried away in the back of a car seat and gives it up but it’s something totally different when a young girl is soiled without consent right under her parents’ roof with their knowledge.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. Romans 1;24-25

SuzyKnew!’s last article on the Duggar’s pointed out that it is not God’s plan for women is not to be degraded and discounted by their families, as what has happened to the Duggar girls.

But, we don’t chose our families.

And, all sins are washed clean with the blood of Jesus.

May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding keep the Duggar girls’ – and their family’s – hearts and minds in Christs Philippians 4:7

SuzyKnew!

 

 

Photo: courtesy of RunningThroughTheStorms.com, DuggarFamily.com

My Boyfriend Feels Sexually Inadequate: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 1 Comment
inadequacy

First published July 18, 2014

Dear Janice,

Just recently, my boyfriend of three years threw me for a loop.  I thought we enjoyed a satisfying sex life, but apparently he disagreed.  His problem:  he’s frustrated that I only orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, not during intercourse!  When I asked him why it mattered as long as we both enjoyed ourselves, he said it made him feel inadequate.  Ever since our conversation, he’s seemed reluctant to make love with me.  What should I do?  Should I start faking orgasms to make him feel better?

Signed,

Not a Faker

*******

Dear Not a Faker,

My first thought when I read your letter was “at least she has a man who cares whether or not she cums”!  Girl, consider yourself blessed to have a man whose heart (and tongue) seems to be in the right place: he’s obviously willing to do whatever you need to achieve orgasms.  However, his feelings of inadequacy just because you don’t orgasm during regular intercourse are misguided.

I can’t tell from your letter why you don’t orgasm during intercourse.  Is it a matter of him finishing a little too quickly?  Could it be that the positions you try don’t allow for enough direct contact with your clitoris?  It’s likely easier for you to achieve orgasm through manual and oral stimulation because of the direct contact with your clitoris.

At any rate, I’d hate to see this issue ruin your three year relationship, especially when it doesn’t have to.  First of all, even though he’s willing to stimulate your clitoris enough to bring you to orgasm manually and orally, I’m not sure your man fully understands the importance of that delicate little organ of yours.  Explain to him (or remind him) that women are blessed with a piece of anatomy whose sole purpose in life is pleasure!

Where the man’s penis is a multi-purpose organ with about 4,000 nerve endings, our glorious clitoris, which only exists for our pleasure, has more than 8,000 nerve endings!  That’s why, for many women, the clitoris can’t be left out of the equation during sex.

You might try positions where your clitoris can be more engaged in the act.  For example, if you get on top and angle your body just so, your clitoris can be stimulated by coming into direct contact with his pelvis.  Or, no matter who’s on top, one or the both of you can also manually stimulate your clitoris during the act, as well.  Experiment and I guarantee you’ll have fun finding ways to make it work for you.

Now, if the issue is that you just need a little more time to orgasm during intercourse, there are other things you can try.  Go online and research cock rings and other devices that help delay ejaculation.  Nowadays you can order just about anything your heart desires online, and it will come directly to your front door in discreet packaging.  There are also natural ways for a man to delay ejaculation involving deep breathing and different positions.  Again, do a little research online.  There’s a wealth of information out there.

Finally, you both need to remember that the female orgasm starts and ends in the woman’s brain.  There could be any number of emotional and psychological reasons why you don’t orgasm during intercourse, and they may have nothing to do with your boyfriend.  Only you can determine that, though.

As far as faking it goes, while I’m all for honesty in relationships, I do believe there are times when it’s okay.  For example, you’ve had a horrible day and have a lot on your mind.  You welcome and enjoy the intimacy of making love with your man, but because of where your head is, an orgasm just ain’t gonna happen.  I mean he could magically turn into Idris Elba and lick you for eight hours, and you still won’t cum!  You don’t want him to feel bad, so you put on a little show and fake it.  In fact, you do such a good job it makes him cum even faster.  Now everybody’s happy and you can get some much needed sleep.  Under those circumstances, it’s okay to fake it.

But to fake it all the time just because your guy insists that you have orgasms during intercourse?  Nah, I don’t recommend it.  That kind of deception will only undermine your relationship and you might come to resent him.  Just try some of my suggestions and reassure him that you’ve been very satisfied with your sex life.  If he still has issues, assume that there are bigger problems afoot.

Good luck!

The Duggars’ Ungodly Behavior: Allowing Their Son To Molest Their Daughters

Opinion Religion 3 Comments

Over the years, SuzyKnew! has commented on the Duggar family and whether their behavior and beliefs against contraception are in line with God’s teachings. The Duggars follow the principles of a conservative Christian group called “Quiverfuls.” Followers of this movement aim to have a “quiverful” of children, by avoiding contraception believing God will not provide more children than a couple can handle.

Apparently, the Duggars also believe that not all God’s children are precious in His eyes, as they tolerated their eldest son Josh Duggar molesting their daughters – as well as 5 other under-aged girls in 2002 and 2003.   The media blew up last week with news about Josh Duggar’s child molestation, and the news continues to reverberate.

Turning a blind eye to their son’s molestation of their daughters is one more example of the Duggar’s anti-woman and anti-girl beliefs which are out of line with the Bible and what God wants for women. While the Duggars see women as only vessels for children and worthy of sexual abuse if it’s their son doing the molestation we should remember that this is not what God wants for us ladies. God wants us to be valued and loved as daughters, sisters, wives and mothers. This is not what the Duggars teach or follow, and we should not let their ungodly words or lifestyle lead us astray.

Proverbs 11:16 A gracious woman gets honor

Proverbs 31:10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels

Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

Photo courtesy of Time Inc

 

 

Should I Ask For A “Wife Bonus” Or Offer A “Husband Bonus”?

Opinion 3 Comments

Trending these days – at least in the U.S. – is Primates of Park Avenue: A Memoir. It’s a book documenting the trials and tribulations one woman endures, as she attempts to become a part of the most elite of elite “tribes”:  Upper East Side stay-at-home moms married to hedge fund managers or other investment banking types. These women are highly educated and accomplished – as well as very competitive – and have opted out of the workforce to stay at home and raise their children. They rely on end-of-year “wife bonuses” for discretionary income and showy gifts.  As they aren’t earning any income – even from home-based entrepreneurial efforts – they are completely reliant on their husbands for money. “Bonuses” are given for getting children into elite private schools, keeping the house clean – and of course for sexual performance.

Really? Okay. Well, this sort of economic “behavior” isn’t that uncommon in other “tribes” or social milieux. To a certain extent, there is some truth behind the saying “Whoever pays the piper, calls the tune.” A lot of relationships aren’t “balanced,” and not everyone wants a balanced relationship where each partner has equal say in all decisions or each partner is more or less equally contributing financially to the household. While most marriages aren’t as extreme in their fundamental inequality as those depicted in Primates of Park Avenue most couples wouldn’t admit that their relationship isn’t one of total equality (or equity) for each partner.

Wow. So, should I ask for a “wife bonus”?  Maybe the question is would I ask because I’m not married. I’m kinda competitive so I would be really offended if I didn’t get a top bonus. Like – what do you mean my blow job needs some work? I don’t think so. And, if Buster can’t get into a good school, it’s not my fault. Let’s talk to Buster.

Okay. So, this wouldn’t go over well for me. But, what about “husband bonuses”? Or ones for Boyfriends and Partners? As women of color, a lot of us are the main breadwinner or have the main professional gig. White women are feeling this, too. Showing some love when our man takes care of much needed repairs around the house or is the barbecue grill master all through the summer may feel more natural or be a part of the relationship dynamics.

Okay. But, I don’t have a boyfriend either. But, I do have a friend. Friends. Okay, one special friend. And, I am the type who likes to “spoil” people, too. I do try to hold back from giving a lot of gifts, which ultimately does shift the power dynamic. But, I do like to treat my man friend when it comes to going to out to nice restaurants. Is this a “bonus” after some good romantic attention? I don’t think so. But, let’s not go there. Since we’re not living together, don’t see each other on a daily basis, or have children, it might be hard to compare our situation with spouses and partners.

But, I also like to treat women friends who don’t have the same pay check as I do. Are these relationships skewed because I have the economic power? Some of these friends will still cuss me out and tell me about myself right after I’ve left the tip on the restaurant table.

In essence, the book – or the commentaries and reviews, which is all I’ve read – is a good read and good fun. It also gives a you a chance to pause and reflect on the power dynamics of your own relationships.

The Original Mother’s Day Proclamation

Opinion 1 Comment

Where does Mother’s Day come from? Its origins can be traced to Julia Ward Howe, a fun-loving, but serious and independent-minded, wealthy New York heiress. Julia was coddled by her family and then while mourning the death of her father and sister-in-law she fell into a tumultuous marriage with a man 20 years her senior. Julia became an abolitionist, feminist and pacifist as well as a published poet.

The women’s suffrage movement was her favorite cause, but she is perhaps best known for writing the “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”  Horrified by the carnage of the civil war, she wrote the Mother’s Day Proclamation in 1870 shown below.  Julia envisioned Mother’s Day as a day when women of all nationalities would come to together to work for world peace.

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!

Say firmly:
“We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”

From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: “Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,

Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Dr. Drai’s 7 Signs That You Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Ask an OBGYN Love and Sex 1 Comment

Ladies, here it is: Dr. Drai’s 7 Signs That You Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life. Dr. Drai wrote this piece for the menfolk. So, pass it on…

***

#GENTs- let me teach you how to get your groove back with your #GYNEGirl.

First of all relationships can be stressful. I get IT!

Intimacy between you two inside and outside of the bedroom is the key to a good relationship. The same routine just gets old over time. Let’s review the signs that you need to spice up your sex life.

  1. Sex is planned on a certain day of the week at a certain time- be spontaneous.
  2. You are only having ABC sex (Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Christmas).
  3. She fakes orgasms to get you off her. 
  4. Foreplay is out the door. Fellas ya’ll know better. 
  5. You both don’t want to have sex AT ALL; you do it because that’s what couples do.
  6. You always have sex in the bed and at night. 
  7. Your sexual position is the same- missionary. BORING!

Fellas- Trust me! If these signs are going on in your relationship, you need to FIX it immediately. Go to couples’ therapy. Until next time…

****

Ladies (and Gents), you heard Dr. Drai right. He’s advising you to address these issues if any of them apply to you. Personally, I think every woman should fake orgasms when and where she wants to. Ain’t nobody got time for all that all the time.  And, what’s wrong with having sex in bed? At night? Some people have to work during the day. But, ladies, that’s why I leave these matters to the experts…

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy!

Can STIs Make Me Infertile? ASK AN OBGYN

Ask an OBGYN 1 Comment

Dear SuzyKnew!,

Recently I got chlamydia.  When I went to the doctor she said it could make me infertile. This was a big shock.  I know lots of friends that have had STIs, but I’ve never heard that it could stop me from having babies.  Should I be worried?

****

Dear Reader, Just because you have had a sexually transmitted infection (STI), such as chlamydia, does not unilaterally rule out your future as a mother.  But it is a real risk so it’s important that you have the facts.

Your doctor was referring to the fact that many STIs, if not treated, can lead to infertility.   Chlamydia is one example.  If untreated, about 10-20% of women with chlamydia will develop pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), an infection in the upper genital tract.  PID can cause permanent damage to the fallopian tubes, uterus, and surrounding tissues, all parts of your reproductive system essential for pregnancy. Gonorrhea is another example of an STI that if untreated, can lead to PID, and infertility.  This does not mean that if you develop PID, you will never have a child, but it can make getting pregnant very difficult and can interfere with their future ability to have a child.

So, what can you do to protect yourself and your future?

Get tested. Many doctors will recommend that you get tested for common STIs like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HPV every six months or every time you change a sexual partner.  The CDC recommends routine screening for STIs, if you are a sexually active women younger than 25 years, or an older women with risk factors such as new or multiple sex partners, or a sex partner who has a sexually transmitted infection. Many STIs have no symptoms so you could have one and be spreading it without knowing.  To protect yourself and others, best to get tested if you have any doubt.

Here is a link to find testing centers in your area.

 

  • Finish your medication and treatments. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are bacterial infections and are treated with antibiotics. But the antibiotics only work if you take them, so fill that prescription and take the entire dose, even when you start to feel better.  Just taking a few pills or stopping medication too early will cause drug resistant “super bugs” that will be harder to treat in the future.

Practice safe sex. Using condoms is your best fight against an STI.  And this goes for vaginal, anal and oral sex.  Gonorrhea has been linked to throat cancer that is spread through oral sex.  Anytime fluids are exchanged in sexual activities, an infection can be spread.  There are no exceptions.

Take care.

A special note to SuzyKnew! readers:  

We know that young people account for a huge proportion of new STI infections- 63% of new chlamydia infections and a whopping 70% of new gonorrhea infections.  Teens tend to feel invincible and most are not able to grasp the consequences of having unprotected sex. They are just learning about how to negotiate relationships.  And they have fewer doctors’ visits than people that are both younger and older than them.  For these reasons, the most important thing we can do for the young people in our lives is to speak to them about the impotence of safe sex.

An Ask Janice Special: Know What You Want!

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Hey SuzyKnew! Readers!

I was recently in a Facebook group about relationships, and got engaged in an interesting conversation.  It was based on an article I’d written in which I implored women to stop staying in toxic relationships for these reasons: you think you can change a man into someone who treats you better; you think you don’t deserve any better, or you believe that having a piece of a man is better than having no man at all.

This particular Facebook group is co-ed, so I was pleased to receive feedback on the article from men.  Well, one man, anyway.  Only one man commented on the article.  And one very logical point he made caused me to re-evaluate my own relationships.

In part, he said “it’s important (for women) to be clear on what you want, expect and will tolerate before things get serious.  A lot of ladies are not really clear on what will cause them to walk beforehand.  Guys tend to have more solid rules here”.

I don’t have this gentleman’s permission to use his name here.  But if I could, I’d scream it from the mountaintops because he preached some serious truth right there in those few simple sentences.  He made me realize that the one constant in all of my unsuccessful relationships was my own lack of clarity about what I wanted, expected and would tolerate.  I mean, I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted.  In reality, I had no idea.

Don’t get me wrong.  I didn’t just fall into my previous relationships without forethought or consideration.  However, I did tend to get serious before I really considered if the guy was really right for me.  I tended to follow my heart, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I just should have allowed my brain to have more of a say, as well.  And I know I’m not alone in this.

We women like to think we have it all figured out, don’t we?  I mean, we sit around with our girlfriends and talk about what qualities we look for in men.  Some of us even have lists that date back years about what our “ideal” man would be like.  But those lists are usually superficial and short-sighted.  They often include such clichéd characteristics as a “good” personality, “good” sense of humor, or “good” values.

What do those things even mean?  A “good” personality?  As opposed to what, a “bad” personality?  Like anyone wants to be in a relationship with someone with a “bad” personality.

These superficial lists of requirements are ridiculous and let’s be honest here, unrealistic.  Not only that, most of us end up with in relationships with men who don’t even match half the items on these silly lists!

Ladies, we have to do better.   We have to make better choices for ourselves if we really want to build long-lasting, successful relationships.  To make better choices, we need to be clearer about what we want, expect and will tolerate.

So, let’s throw away those old, tired, unrealistic and unhelpful lists about what constitutes our ideal man.  Let’s rid our minds of the superficial stuff that never did us any good anyway.  And let’s come up with some sound ideas about the kind of man we really want and deserve.

It all begins with an honest self-appraisal.  Take a long look in that metaphorical mirror and discern exactly who YOU are.  You’ll never be able to figure out who you want in your life until you know yourself better.

But you must be honest, here.  Don’t sugarcoat anything.  Really assess who you are as a woman and what you bring to any relationship.  Not that I want you to turn this into a self-flagellation, but if you aren’t honest about your own flaws, how can you properly asses who’s right for you?

Once you have a clearer picture of who you are, you can better discern what kind of man would be best suited for you.  Now you can start re-doing that list.  However, instead of simply wanting a man with a “good” personality, dig deeper.  Ask yourself probing questions about what personality traits mesh well with yours.

For example, if you’re more of an Alpha personality, who likes to be in the driver’s seat, would an Alpha male really work for you?  Or should you seek someone who is comfortable letting you drive the relationship?  Or, if you’re very sensitive and empathetic, would someone more logical be good for balance in the relationship?

Instead of saying “good” values, be more specific.  What do you value?  For example, if you’re devout, would you blend well with someone who is more “spiritual”, but doesn’t share your faith?  Or maybe he shares your faith, but isn’t a regular church-goer.  Would that be okay?

If you earn a great living and enjoy the finer things in life, would you really be okay with a man who earns about half what you make, but has a real passion and zeal for what he does?  What if his job just isn’t a high earning one, but it helps elevate your community?  Would that be okay?

Let’s say you have multiple degrees.  Would you ever consider a man with no college education?  But what if he earns as much as (or more than) you?  Would that make a difference?  What if he’s well-informed, well-read and knowledgeable about a myriad of topics, but has no college education?  Does the degree (or lack thereof) still matter?

Once you have an idea of what you want in a man, you need to examine what you will tolerate in a relationship.  Most of us have the obvious deal-breakers on our lists: beaters, cheaters and bums.  But again, dig deeper.  Based on your previous experiences with men, what other things are you willing to tolerate before you’ll walk away?  Maybe something that was a deal breaker for you in the past really wouldn’t bother you so much now.  Or maybe the opposite is true for you.  Maybe you’re at the point in your life where certain things you put up with in the past are now deal breakers.

I believe that once you’ve re-assessed what you want, expect and will tolerate in a relationship, you’ll make better relationship choices.  If nothing else, you won’t waste any more time on men with whom you have no future.

And, if you follow my advice and examine yourself first, you’ll probably come away from this exercise with a better appreciation for what you bring to the table in a relationship.  That’s important to know because to know that is to know your worth.  And when you know your worth, you’ll accept nothing less than the best for yourself.

And you deserve the best … the absolute best!

What Lesbian Sexual Relationships Can Teach You About Your Libido

Love and Sex 1 Comment

Apparently, sex among lesbians isn’t as boring as many people imagine.  Many think for lesbians it’s not about the sex or that sex dies out quickly once the relationship is sealed.

Well, this is a myth. Not only are lesbians enjoying sexual relations, they seem to be having orgasms more than their heterosexual and bisexual sisters.

New studies on orgasm rates among single women indicate lesbians orgasm around 75%  of the time with familiar partners while women in long-term heterosexual or bisexual relationships orgasm only 62% and 58% percent of the time respectively. Of course, men’s sexual pleasure is the most stable. In heterosexual and homosexual relationships, men orgasm 85% of the time and men experience orgasm 78% of the time in bisexual relationships.

What does this say about women’s libido in long-term relationships? When a man and woman couple up, they’re both pretty feisty in the beginning. But, after some months or years go by, the man’s sexual desire usually remains the same while the woman’s may taper off. Why doesn’t this happen in same sex female relationships? Why do lesbian women keep on orgasming through the years while the other ladies peter out? What keeps the connection and sexual desire piping hot? More research is needed. While orgasm may not be the goal of the sexual encounter and does not necessarily equate with overall satisfaction, understanding the demographic factors that may determine orgasm can help us all keep it sexy – and healthy.

The Habit Of Self-Doubt Eroding Your Natural Confidence – Lillian Ogbogoh

Opinion 5 Comments

There is nothing more awe-inspiring to witness like a woman rocking her natural confidence; it’s a heady mix of alluring, powerful, inspiring and mesmerizing. Just look at Jill Scott when she takes the stage, Michelle Obama, Sheryl Sandberg all these women are almost electrifying to watch. Now this natural confidence is not only for a select few but most of us have allowed nasty little habits to erode our confidence.

There are a few things in life that are truly “sad to see”:

A gloomy, grey Saturday,

A baby crying,

Ugly architecture,

The most important one is a woman minus her vivaciousness because all her confidence has been sucked out of her by this nasty habit called self-doubt.

No matter what she wears and regardless of the makeup she puts on, she can’t hide the fact that her confidence has gone on a sabbatical and it hangs about like that gloomy grey day or a bad stench.

Eau de self-doubt is not a nice smell; I’ve had to wear it on a few occasions so I know how it feels and it can linger. Self-doubt is really a one way street to giving up and giving away your most glorious self. It dulls your shine as you end up blending into the background hoping no one will see you.

Self-doubt robs you of being in your own power, as you second and third guess yourself through life. In some cases, I’ve found myself fourth and fifth guessing myself. The habit of self-doubt creeps up from time to time; it takes our lives hostage and slowly sucks the joy and vivaciousness out of us.

The major way the self-doubt habit shows up is by us looking through the not enoughness mirror

This is when you see yourself through a screwy mirror where all you see is what you don’t have, along with what you should have and should have done and why you are not enough. You even hide the mountain of vast experiences and numerous skills that you have acquired on your life journey.

This habit is like having a mean and cruel version of the enchanted mirror from Snow White, so instead of revealing the fairest in the land, it’s showing you as the ugly step-sister who smells and pulls the wings off butterflies. This screwy mirror reflects your flaws and insecurities around who you feel you are when you show up in the world.

When you look at yourself all you see is the you who is not enough. The you, that you feel is lacking in some way. The you who is incapable and that feeling sends you running from pillar to post looking for something, anything to make that feeling go away, to make that hole that only you can see go away.

For some it’s chasing qualification after qualification, to validate your knowledge and sense of worth, so you feel like you are worth the money you are paid by your employer or clients. For others, it’s looking for someone to validate who they are so their sense of worth is determined by how others see them and they will do anything to maintain their fix of validation feeding the not enoughness.

In the same way the step-mother from Snow White constantly asks the mirror “Who’s the fairest in the land?” to cover up feeling inadequate, we constantly question who we are and whether we are good enough. Oh this sin is high up there among the cardinal sins of self-doubt as it’s self-inflicted and the only cure lies within, but this can’t be done with a faulty lens on as all you see is the not enoughness, in the same way a person with anorexia sees themselves as fat. This, not enoughness causes you to look at others in your business environment and see what they have done or haven’t done, which again leads you to an inadequate and a diminished version of yourself. And don’t get me started on the personal arena, as we compare our lives with theirs and their lives become a yardstick for measuring our lives without knowing their back story.

Giving up on the habit of not enoughness comes in two parts. The first part requires you to change the looking glass. We are so programmed to look at the gaps and void within us rather than the greatness of us. So it’s time for an amazing self-audit for the next week; take one day to list three things about you that is totally amazing. You can do this in the morning or evening. If you are finding it hard to list three things, get a trusted friend or someone in your family to help see you for the amazing human being that you are.

Changing the focus on what we normally shine the light on changes how you see yourself. The law of attraction states that what you focus on is what you will attract, so if you see yourself as not being enough you will attract more situations into your life that will reaffirm that opinion. In the words of Henry Ford, “The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can’t are both right”.

The next step is often an overlooked, undervalued action. I’m talking about celebrating you, the little things and the big things that make you a unique, amazing woman.

Some of you are so used to the self-flagellation approach to living, where you rip chunks out of yourself constantly with your beliefs that you are not enough. So take a deep breath in and say, “I am enough and amazing!” and celebrate that fact as often as possible.

 

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