Johnny Kemp, 55, was found dead two days ago in Jamaica. Police report his body was found floating at a Montego Bay beach. The cause of death is unknown.
Originally from the Bahamas, the R&B singer is best known for his 1988 single “Just Got Paid.”
In honor of his passing and to remember how fragile life is and why we should enjoy life, here’s the video “Just Got Paid”
Photo courtesy of Jornal de la Reyna
At a recent brunch with some of my girlfriends, someone said “I don’t have a sex life, so why should I read SuzyKnew!? What’s in it for me?”
The table fell silent. I’d been going on and on about one of our guest contributors, so the question was certainly timely. Yet it still took me aback. I guess since I’m a regular reader of the blog (I do contribute a few posts here and there), I just assumed everyone was. Yet here was one of my closest friends admitting that not only didn’t she read it, she didn’t even see why she should.
You know how you always think of brilliant things to say to someone after you’ve left them? When you’re face to face with them, you just sort of babble nonsensically. But the moment you leave them, you think of a million wonderful and witty things you could have said?
Well, that was me that day. At the table, I gave my standard plug about the value of SuzyKnew! a safe space for women of color to learn and explore issues about love and sexuality. I explained how all of us contributors believe in its mission: to help women of color make smart decisions about sex and love, by providing timely, honest and thoughtful information in a relatable manner.
Because honestly, where else can you get all this information that’s sensitive to the unique perspectives of women of color? Sure, there are millions of blogs and websites for women. But, once you strip away the ones which focus on politics, celebrity gossip, hair and fashion; and once you eliminate the ones which are euro-centric; you’ll find that the pickings are pretty slim. As is usually the case with love and sex issues as they pertain to women of color, our voices, concerns and questions go largely unaddressed.
If it ain’t about politics, celebrity gossip, natural hair or fashion, women of color (especially women from the African diaspora) are completely ignored in the blogosphere. It’s like we’re invisible outside of these four topics!
That’s why a blog like SuzyKnew! is so important. It fills that enormous void in cyber space. SuzyKnew! recognizes that women of color fall in love, have sex, and have tons of questions and concerns about both. SuzyKnew! understands the unique ways that culture and religion affect our relationships as well as our views about sex, reproductive health and family planning.
SuzyKnew! gets it. SuzyKnew! gets us.
I said all that at brunch. But, it wasn’t until I was in my car and driving home that I realized I really didn’t answer my friend’s question. If you’re a single, celibate (or virginal) woman of color, what can SuzyKnew! do for you? And sitting in traffic for 45 minutes, I came up with a few answers.
First of all, just because you’re a virgin, celibate, single/unattached, or whatever, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn as much as you can about your own sexuality. And not just the physical aspects of sex, either. You need to explore and develop your sexuality emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and physically.
You also need to stay on top of new developments in contraceptives and how they can affect you, as a woman of color. You need to learn about HIV/AIDS, and other STDs. And guess what? You NEED to read an erotic article written with YOU in mind every once in a while, too. (Wink, wink)
Even if you’re not having sex, you still have to maintain your sexual health. And SuzyKnew! has a team of OBGYN experts to answer your questions about everything from pap smears and how often you really need them , to vaginal dryness, to how to keep your vagina clean and tight.
You may be sexually inactive now, but if you ever plan on having a family, SuzyKnew! is where you can get honest, detailed information on Fertility Awareness (FAM). If family planning isn’t in your future, but a sexual relationship is, then come to SuzyKnew! to learn how your race and even your weight can affect certain contraceptives. And did you even know that the Female Condom (FC) has been on the market for a few years, now? I didn’t until I read about it in SuzyKnew! And I even tried them and wrote about it, myself!
You may not have a significant other right now. You may be in the midst of a decades-long sexual drought. But if you ever want to establish a healthy, physical relationship in the future, then you gotta stay on top of what’s going on out there. You don’t want to be unprepared when you’re the man of your dreams comes along, do you? Of course not. When your King enters your life, you’ll want to be well-informed about all your options, well-researched on how to stay healthy, and even well-inspired by one of my sexy stories!
SuzyKnew! isn’t just for the sexually active. It’s for any adult woman of color who wants to know herself better. It’s for you. It’s for me. It’s for all of us.
Now get out there and spread the word about SuzyKnew! to your friends! We could always use more subscribers!
Want to improve your sexual pleasure and his?
Here are 5 tips from Dr. Drai to tighten your vagina:
***
Hi #GYNEGirls, #Preggos, & #GENTs! It’s ME Dr. Drai- America’s OBGYN. Hunni- I JUST got back from #Chitown doing some TV, filming more “Medical T” videos, AND doing a photoshoot. ALL for my gurls of course. As always Dr. Drai has been so busy WERKing IT chile. Let me start out by saying THANK YOU THANK you thank you . You ladies have been supporting me since the beginning…Started from the bottom NOW we here started from the bottom NOW my whole teams here. LOL! Several of you #GYNEGirls have been emailing me questions on #AskDrDrai. I finally have some FREE time to discuss them. Take a seat and buckle up for these answers chile. Dr. Drai keeps it 100. That’s why you are asking me right? How can you tighten your vagina? Let’s review 5 tips.
Now you have some tools in your box to get that vagina tight. DO NOT GET SURGERY FIRST! Just have more orgasms. That’s safe AND FUN! Until next time…
Happy Easter! Welcome Spring!
We all know Easter has pagan roots. It’s both a religious celebration and secular feast. Take time to celebrate both.
Originally, Easter was the celebration of Ishtar – the Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of fertility and sex. Ishtar’s symbols were eggs and rabbits, symbolizing sex and fertility. Constantine I implemented anti-pagan policies and Easter was changed to represent Jesus, Christianizing many symbols.
Here are a few ways to celebrate and renew:
1. Celebrate the resurrection of life – Easter is all about the resurrection of Jesus. Seek redemption and renew your relationship with your God. How about those other relationships. Reflect on your relationship with your husband, partner and loved ones. What elements of these relationships need to be resurrected? What used to work but isn’t working now and needs some attention?
2. Lent is over; time to awaken your sexual juices – What did you give up for Lent? Fried foods and sweets? Cable TV or shopping? While you were sacrificing and praying did your sex life experience a dry spell and get neglected? Makes sense, right? Who can get all romantic when all you really want is some serious chocolate? This is the perfect time to get your grove back. Rediscover your sexual heat and passion and create some alone time with your man. And don’t forget the KY jelly.
3. Hunt for your Ishtar Egg – Have you always wanted to have a baby but haven’t gotten around to it? Life happens. Make this spring the time to learn more about your fertility. Try fertility awareness; get your fertility checked out by your health care provider to see how fast that biological clock is ticking. More importantly, discuss with your husband or partner how important starting a family is to you. For the Christian woman, starting a family before marriage is a no-go. Does your man know how you feel about this topic?
4. Color your Yoni – Coloring eggs for Easter is tied to the rebirth and resurrection. And, yes, your yoni is sacred. Have you taken time to spruce it up? No, SuzyKnew! isn’t talking about douches and sprays. You know Suzy! don’t play that. We’re talking about waxing and lingerie shopping. Get that Brazilian wax you’ve been dying to try. Shop Victoria and see what new secrets she has for the spring.
5. Find the right Easter bonnet – and contraception! – Everyone has got have to the right Easter hat this time of the year.It represents the tail-end of new clothes for Easter. But, have you thought about getting a new contraceptive? Are you happy with what you’re using now? Spring may be the time to try some new options – like the new IUD , FAM, back to condoms, or something else.
6. Make a basket of spiritual redemption, renewal and love – Easter is all about those baskets. What’s in your basket? Fill it with a renewed connection and love with your God, your relationships and yourself – including your sexual self!
Dear Janice,
My boyfriend says I’m not wife material. Should I keep working on the relationship?
Signed,
Want To Get Married Someday Soon
****
Dear Friend,
The late, great Maya Angelou once said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.” I’ll add to that my own little saying, “Men always tell us what we want to know, but we just don’t listen”.
In other words, your boyfriend has already answered your question for you. No, you should not keep working on the relationship.
That may sound harsh, and if so, I’m sorry. But let’s be real, here. If he doesn’t think you’re wife material, he won’t marry you. In fact, that’s exactly what he’s telling you. He is saying that he will not marry you. Plain and simple. And if you want to get married, then he isn’t the one for you.
Now that I’ve answered your question, let’s dig a little deeper, here. Did your boyfriend tell you specifically why he doesn’t think you’re wife material? Does he have a list of qualities written down somewhere, outlining what he considers wife material? Has he shared that list with you? Is it a matter of him having a different set of values than you … like what he thinks a “wife” should be is very different from what you think?
And here’s the more important question for him – if you’re not wife material, why is he still dating you? Could it be that he’s the one with commitment issues and is projecting them onto you? Maybe he just wants the “benefits” of a long-term, committed relationship without putting in the “work”. I’d love to hear his side.
But what I really want to know is if YOU think you’re wife material. You say that you want to get married someday soon. Are you really ready for that? Sure, we all have things we can improve about ourselves … no one is perfect, after all. But, even with all of our flaws, we can still be “wife material”, whatever we think that is.
So, are you? I ask because your feelings about this are more important than your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex’s feelings. We know how he feels, and trust me when I tell you, no matter what you do, his feelings won’t change. He’s not going to marry you. So, let’s move on from him.
What do YOU think? Are you ready to be someone’s wife … are you ready to accept all of the responsibilities that go along with that? Only you can answer that, based upon what you believe a wife should be.
In my opinion (and I can only speak for myself), someone who is truly wife material is a woman that loves herself enough to demand the very best from her life partner. She loves herself and believes in herself so much, that she will accept nothing less than what she is willing to give: respect, support, love, honor, friendship and affection … in good times and in bad. She knows that there will be times when she has to do the heavy lifting in the relationship, just as there will be times when he may have to do the heavy lifting. And in between, they will share the load, working in tandem to build their future together.
If you’re ready for this, then hurry up and end this relationship so that you can find the man who will see in you what you see in yourself. The man you’re supposed to marry is out there, but you have to be available for him. Staying in this relationship may be blocking your blessings!
Now, back to your boyfriend. I know it’s easy for me to sit at my keyboard and tell you to give up on your relationship. And I also know that there are others who would tell you to hang in there and fight for your love. But ain’t nobody got time to fight for something that isn’t going to happen. Like I said, he’s told you all you need to know. You just need to listen to him.
Loving him won’t get him to change his mind. You can’t change his mind. You can break your back trying, but trust me. His mind is made up already. One of the biggest mistakes women make is trying to change a man’s truth. It never works. Ever.
It won’t be easy, I know. But if you really want marriage, then you need to look elsewhere. Staying with him is a waste of time. It may be fun, but it won’t get you where you want to go. So you have to do the hard thing and LET HIM GO.
Good luck.
Photo courtesy of RHrealitycheck.org
So, you say you wish you knew whether new medical products – like contraceptives – were widely tested on women of color for safety and effectiveness. And, you wish clinical trials were done on women like you – a big, lovely woman with curves. Well, your wish has come true at least for one new product: Liletta, the new hormonal IUD recently approved by the U.S. FDA to prevent pregnancy for up to three years. The study is on-going to test the product’s effectiveness beyond 3 years.
Liletta was approved based on results from the largest hormonal IUD clinical trial conducted in the U.S. which was designed to reflect the U.S. population. Studied in women between 16-45 years of age, of which 13.3% were African-American and 14.7% Hispanic, Liletta was found to be 99.45% effective. The product prevented pregnancy in women regardless of age, whether they had had children and regardless of their body mass. The mean BMI of the women studied was 26.9 kg/m2 ranging from 15.8kg/m2 – 61.6kg/m2
Currently, there are 3 IUD options in the U.S. including 2 hormonal options: Mirena and Skyla. IUD’s are one of the fastest growing contraceptive options in the US and this 4th option will aim to be the most affordable hormonal one. Not expected to be available for insertion until this spring, the prce of Liletta should be low enough for women to purchase it out of pocket without insurance.
And, when you’re ready to get pregnant, the vast majority of women were able to get pregnant within 12 months of removal and some within two weeks.
I bumped into an ex-boyfriend the other day and the encounter unleashed a flood of memories. It’s funny how the passage of time can smooth the rough edges of a bad relationship. Not that my memories of Raynard* are all bad. But he’s definitely an “ex” for a reason. As a matter of fact, even when we were together I didn’t like him very much.
I know that sounds crazy. But have you ever had great sex with someone you didn’t like? Well that was the nature of our relationship. I didn’t like him and he didn’t like me.
Raynard and I bickered all the time, and not in that cute they-fight-but-both-know-they-belong-together kind of way, either. Our fights were ugly. He said I was bossy and a know-it-all. I thought he was an arrogant asshole. And we argued about everything from religion to college basketball to the best way to eat scrambled eggs.
And yet … there was something about each of us that the other found irresistible. You know that metaphor about the moth and flame? Well, that was us. We were inexplicably drawn to each other and had amazing sex, but that was it.
Physically, I was his “type”: thick and busty. So he was attracted to me immediately. And honestly, I think the fact that I called him on his shit turned him on. He always said that the moment I challenged his beliefs, he knew he wanted to fuck me.
For me the attraction wasn’t physical, at first. Raynard was a nice enough looking guy, but unremarkable. But he exuded sexual prowess in a way that’s hard to describe. The guy had swagger before it was even a thing.
And man, was the sex hot! I mean, we burned up some sheets. I know nothing tops making love with someone you’re connected to emotionally. But there’s something very liberating about steamy sex with someone you don’t like. The emotional stakes are lower, for one thing. And that makes it easier to let go and enjoy the pure physicality of the experience.
I remember this one time in particular…
The setting was about as unromantic as you can imagine. I was in his bathroom, standing at the sink. I had to lean over because I had an eyelash in my eye. We’d planned to “get busy”, but our argument a few minutes earlier killed the mood. I was ready to go home. Plus my eye was irritated.
So there I was, leaning over his sink to get closer to the mirror, when he walked in without knocking. That immediately pissed me off because who does that?
Finally retrieving the errant lash, I glared at him in the mirror. “How’re you just gonna walk up in here without knocking? That’s so rude!”
He just shrugged and said “It’s my house.” Asshole.
I was just about to say something smart when I saw his eyes drop to my ass. It was summer and I was wearing a sundress that came to just above my knees. In the few seconds it took for him to walk from the door to the sink, I knew what was going to happen.
Without saying a word, he reached under my dress and yanked my panties down to my ankles. As I stepped out of them, I spread my legs and met his eyes in the mirror. There was no romantic music playing because only minutes before, we’d been arguing. The television in his bedroom wasn’t even on. The only sound I heard was his zipper and the pounding of my heart.
I bent lower but kept watching him. First, keeping one hand on my hip, he reached around me and opened the medicine cabinet. Grabbing a condom, he tore the wrapper off with his teeth and rolled it on. Then he grabbed my hips with both hands and slammed into me with a loud grunt. I wasn’t that wet, but the raw passion on his face ramped up my arousal. He bit his bottom lip and his nostrils flared as he slowly started thrusting.
“There it is,” he moaned. “There’s that juicy pussy!” He was right. I was getting wetter with each stroke. But as good as it felt, I was still mesmerized by watching him. The tendons in his neck strained. His chest muscles flexed beneath the tee shirt he hadn’t bothered to remove. And his eyes looked dark and dangerous when they met mine again.
“You got me feeling too good,” he moaned. “I’m about to lose control.”
I gave him a little nudge and dropped my shoulders. Taking the hint, Raynard adjusted his stance behind me and started coming at me from a slightly different angle. It was perfect, even though I couldn’t see his reflection anymore.
“How does that feel?” He gave my ass a little slap for emphasis.
“Good,” I gasped, feeling my own control slip. Then he did this thing with his hips and hit my spot. “Oh! Oh, that’s so good!” He hit it again and again.
“Tell me when you’re about to cum,” he grunted. He kept a nice and steady pace, but seemed to somehow go deeper with each stroke.
I struggled to hold onto the slippery porcelain sink as I met each of his thrusts with an even harder thrust of my own. I had to add my own little twist to fully engage my clit, which felt like it had doubled in size, it was so sensitive.
As the pressure started to build, I finally looked in the mirror again. It was hard to do from that angle, but I managed to catch a glimpse of him. Raynard’s face showed the strain of his effort to hold back and that was all it took to push me over the edge.
The wave was so powerful and hit so suddenly, I didn’t have time to warn him. All I could do was scream as my knees started to buckle. If he hadn’t been holding me, I’d have slid right to the floor. But he held on tight and kept grinding until he came too.
When he finally released his grip, I stumbled over to the toilet and sat down with a thud. Still panting, I watched as he slumped against the sink, his eyes still closed. There was no cuddling. No sweet words of love. We didn’t even kiss. We were just two sated lovers trying to catch our breaths.
And that’s how it was with Raynard: raw and unromantic … sex for the sake of sex. And no relationship can last when good sex is all there is. We parted ways for good not too long after the bathroom episode. If memory serves me correctly, he met someone he really liked and that was that.
Seeing him the other day brought back fond memories of those steamy summer days where our genitals got along better than the rest of us did. I don’t miss Raynard, not even a little bit. But there is something to be said for unbridled, unattached sex. And having a mirror around ain’t half bad, either!
*Y’all know the deal. Raynard isn’t his real name. I always change the names and a few details to protect the not-so-innocent.
That’s this year’s 2015 International Women’s Day theme: Make It Happen. Interesting.
So, are you making it happen? Your relationship(s)? Your love and sex life? Truly respecting and loving yourself? How’s it going?
NATO has message for you this year. It’s delivered in this seriously deadpan monotone voice by the NATO Secretary General’s Special Representative for Women, Peace and Security. You gotta have women on board if you want peace, right?
Did you know women like to work at Enterprise Rental car? I didn’t. IWD (yeah – short for International Women’s Day) has a list of places women like to work – like Enterprise Rental Car and Vodaphone. Its on their website and put together by Where Women Work . Don’t know how this compares to Working Mother’s List besides being international vs US-focused.
In case you missed it, this year we’re supposed to write a letter to our younger selves. YouTube did a cute ad for it. Online stars Issa Rae and Chescaleigh are the chocolate drops in this upbeat video.
To start your celebration off right, take a look at Chescaleigh’s #DearMe video by Chescaleigh to Young Francesca. Heart-felt and inspiring.
Does your man tell you he’s too big for a condom? Not true. Find out which brand of condoms will fit him. Dr. Drai tells you which condom brands will fit your man – large or small – based on his size.
Dear SuzyKnew!
Last month I had an abortion.
I’m 23 years old and am just starting out in my career. The man I’m dating is good to me – I could imagine having children with him in the future. But neither one of us is ready to have kids. I don’t regret my decision. I had to do what I had to do. But, I’m feeling emotional and I don’t have a lot of energy. It’s a hard thing to talk about with my family and friends.
What’s your advice?
****
Dear Reader,
Ending a pregnancy is a decision that many women face in their lives. In fact, an estimated 1 in 3 American women will have an abortion before they are 45 years old. And it happens to all women- rich and poor, women of all races and ethnicities, and women at different ages and stages of their lives. The reasons why women choose to terminate a pregnancy are equally diverse: some are in bad relationships, some, like you, are just not ready to be a parent, some are already parents and find they cannot have another child for financial or health reasons. Bottom line, it’s an incredibly heavy-weighted decision.
You are not alone. Many women experience some type of sadness after an abortion.
When a woman has an abortion, it is because something went wrong; and she now has an unintended pregnancy and has to make a life-alternating decision. It’s a challenging time, often coupled with stress, and sometimes the loss of a relationship. To make things even harder, most women don’t share their abortion stories. We tend to keep it as a secret, and there are few opportunities to talk about abortion.
There are physical changes too. A pregnant body produces HCG, and when a pregnancy is terminated (either through an abortion procedure or a miscarriage) there is a dramatic shift in hormones. This is one of the factors that can make you feel out of whack. In addition, it can take a few weeks for some of the physical changes of the pregnant body to subside, such as breast tenderness or nausea.
So are you at risk for depression or some type of mental illness just because you had an abortion? The short answer is No. Groups that seek to limit or end abortions have argued that women who have abortions are at high risk of mental health problems, mainly because they regret their decision. This has been used as a way to discourage women to get abortions. In fact, former President Ronald Regan famously pressured Surgeon General C. Everett Koop to say that abortions were bad for women’s health. Thankfully, the doctor in him prevailed over the politician! Several research studies have been undertaken in response to the abortion-mental health issue. A 2013 UCSF study found that while many women experience a mix of emotions after an abortion (ranging from sadness to relief), 95 percent of women who have abortions ultimately feel they have made the right decision. A 2011 study from Denmark looked at the records of 85,000 women who had a first trimester abortion and found that there was no increase in mental health problems after an abortion.
But, even if the research shows no direct cause, the pain is still very real for many women. I want to share some resources with you. A great place to start is Exhale, which offers a free, national talk-line that provides emotional support; the website provides resources and information. As a bonus, the Exhale counselors speak multiple languages including English, Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese. I also love this (albeit lengthy) pamphlet from a women’s health group in Canada. They break down the stages of grief and offer some great coping strategies.
I wish you a speedy recovery. And let me add a word of caution. Depression can be very serious. If you are thinking about harming yourself or cannot see a way out, please alert a close family member or friend and seek out professional help.
Take care.