Alright, y’all.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about cunnilingus: there is no perfect technique!  Yes, I know that some men swear by the “trace the alphabet on her clit with your tongue” trick.  But personally, that just gets on my nerves.  And of course, some men just flat out don’t know what the Hell they’re doing when they go down there.

But every woman is different!  What worked for his ex might make me want to kick him in the head!  And what works for me might bore his next girlfriend to tears.  No two women will respond exactly the same way to some “special” move.  The real trick is that a man must take his time and get to know what works for the woman he’s with NOW.  And ladies, it’s on us to make sure he knows this.

Let me share a story with you.  Years ago, there was this guy I knew who had a reputation for being amazing in bed.  Every woman who’d slept with him raved about him, from his huge cock to his go-all-night stamina.  But his real forte was performing oral sex.  He was said to be the master of pussy eating, with almost super-human abilities to bring women to multiple orgasms with his mouth and tongue.

I mean, I heard about this dude everywhere: over drinks, at bathroom sinks and huddled in the corners at parties.  Women said things like, “Girl, he made my pussy sing!”  Or, “He has the tongue of a god!”  Or my personal favorite, “Dude munches on the first date, and doesn’t stop until you’ve cum at least twice!”

One friend of mine referred to him as Captain Munch (like Captain Crunch, the cereal); another friend called him The Golden Tongue.  But most people called him The Master of Oral Sex, or The Master, for short.

Well, after hearing all these wonderful things, I just had to experience this oral demi-god for myself.  I was young, single and in the throes of sexual discovery.  I’d spent most of the summer hearing about his golden tongue and hey, I wanted my pussy to sing, too!

I finally got my chance at an end-of-summer party.  The huge house was crowded and the music was banging.  To calm my nerves, as soon as I arrived, I grabbed a drink: some kind of fruit-punch concoction that tasted sweet but packed a wallop.  Then, I began to stalk my prey.

He was easy to find, being the one guy surrounded by a gaggle of gorgeous women vying for his attention.  I’ll admit I almost gave up my quest.  His harem was filled with all the “pretty girls” and besides, I was getting plenty of attention from other guys.   But then I kept hearing all those voices in my head talking about multiple orgasms, singing pussies and his amazing golden tongue.  So, I kept my eyes on the prize.

I finally cornered The Master when he came out of one of the first floor bathrooms.  I knew this might be my only chance, so I moved in for the kill.  I walked right up to him and, acting drunker than I was, started talking to him.  From there it was easy.

“Isn’t there some place we can talk that isn’t so loud?”  I asked.  My eyes were all innocence, but I knew exactly what I was doing.  So did he.

We quickly headed upstairs and into one of the bedrooms.  I’ll admit my confidence waivered.  I was still young and hadn’t honed my seduction skills, yet.  But thanks to the punch, I had liquid courage pumping through my veins.  Besides, I hadn’t come this far to walk away.  I was in an empty bedroom with The Master and dammit, I was going to find out what all the hype was about!

Luckily, he took the lead and nature took its course.  We started making out, and his kissing technique was impressive.  Before long, my panties were off and he was trailing those fabulous lips down my body, headed right for my treasure.

“At last,” I thought, closing my eyes.  “Time to experience sexual nirvana!”

At first, he explored a little, testing my responses to this move or that one.  Then he settled into a nice, sensuous pace.  He clearly knew what he was doing.  But there was just one problem: it wasn’t working for me!

I mean, technically he was doing everything right.  His tongue was nimble and his lips were firm, just the way I like.  And from the sounds he was making, he was enjoying himself.

But, it wasn’t moving me!

Worried, I checked myself to see if maybe I was the problem.  Nope!  I was relaxed, confident and aroused … yet, I was no closer to an orgasm than when I first walked into the party.

The Master was intuitive enough to realize I wasn’t getting there, so we changed positions.  I sat on his face so I could set the pace.  But even that didn’t work.  Neither did him licking me from behind.  We tried everything and finally settled for some mediocre intercourse, after which he kindly used his hand to make me cum.  At least he was a gentleman.

What a let-down! I was beyond disappointed. Plus, I was a little embarrassed that I’d wasted an entire night chasing after some elusive orgasm from the mouth of a guy who was supposed to be an expert. Sure I’d climaxed, but not the way I’d wanted to. I had looked forward to some kind of out-of-body experience, and all I got was the same thing I could have gotten from myself.

I never told anyone what happened, so his perfect sexual reputation remained intact. After all, he really hadn’t done anything wrong. And his dick was huge, so that part of his mythos was true.

Besides, he was a nice guy. And whenever The Master saw me after that night, he was always very sweet to me. To this day, we remain friendly (well, we’re friends on Facebook, anyway).

What I learned from my lukewarm experience was there is no one sure-fire technique when it comes to eating pussy. Women are just too different. Yes, there are some basic do’s and don’ts; but for the most part, each woman has her own personal map to pleasure … it’s up to her partner to find it.

I’m sure that if I’d had a few more sessions with The Master, we could have made beautiful music together. Maybe his reputation had planted unrealistic expectations in my head. After all, how could he possibly know what I liked after just a few minutes of fumbling in a strange bedroom in a house full of people? Given those circumstances it’s no wonder my attempt to reach paradise failed so miserably.

Anyway, that night didn’t ruin cunnilingus for me. On the contrary, I went on to have plenty of amazing experiences receiving oral sex. And when it was exceptionally good (I’m talking earth-shattering, mind-numbing, make-you-drool kind of good), it was always with someone who’d taken the time to learn my body.

The pleasure of oral sex on a woman starts and ends with that woman. She has to know her body before she can receive pleasure from anyone else, oral or otherwise. She also has to be willing to help her man along … she just can’t send him downtown without any directions! She needs to guide him to her pleasure, gently allowing him to learn what she likes and dislikes.

So, the moral of the story is that the best technique for going down on a woman depends on that woman. A sensitive man will learn what works for his woman. And a self-confident, comfortable-in-her-own-skin woman will know how to enjoy this precious gift from her man.