Bzzz… Here Comes Heaven

You thought all you needed in your pleasure chest was rubbers and ITunes? Naaah, chile. This is a journey. Pleasure is about you, first and foremost, so an essential part of the pleasure chest is something that can add value even when you’re the only one in the room. When you don’t want to cuddle, you don’t want to get up to put the condom in the trash or to get a washcloth to wipe cum off your thighs, you don’t want to be asked if you came, you don’t want to have to think about, hear from, or feel up anyone else. You just want to be Beyoncé circa 2003: “It’s Just Me, Myself & I.” An essential part of the pleasure chest is the relationship you have with yourself.

A lot of women who don’t orgasm simply don’t know how to get there. They have an idea from movies and books so they know that someone touching their clitoris is sorta kinda the way to get the big boom but they haven’t figured out exactly how they want their clit touched. So they try to guide a partner but they are a little lost themselves. That won’t do for us here at Suzyknew. We’re going to have so much self-pleasure this 2017 we’ll get carpal tunnel. We’re going to have a “come-to-Jesus moment” where we come in Jesus’s name because our orgasms will be holy and anointed and sent from heaven.

So we’re going to start with touching ourselves. Not just our vaginas. We’re going to take our clothes off and touch every inch of our bodies, slowly. We’re going to caress our nipples; does that feel good? Is rubbing them with my thumb where the magic happens? Do I like it more when I pinch them between my fingers? Does tugging on them gently get me wetter? Does caressing the inside of my thighs feel good? Is rubbing my feet against the sheet making me lightheaded? We’re going to figure out where all our spots are. Then we’re going to head to the promised land. We’re going to touch every inch of that honeypot. Inner lips, outer lips, clitoris, vagina… not one inch of that coochie is going to escape. We’re going to touch ourselves in every different kind of way we can imagine and pay attention to what feels good. Once we hit a spot we’ll rinse repeat till the magic happens. Some of us don’t like the feeling right before an orgasm because it feels like we are going to pee or fart but believe me when I say it’s not that kind of party. We just have to keep going when that feeling hits. Paradise is close. We just need to let go of some of the control.

Some people like masturbating with their hands, some like a battery-operated-boyfriend. If a vibrator feels good to you I can’t recommend them enough. I would suggest though, that before you get a vibe you do lots of touching to figure out what you like. Unless of course you can afford to just get a bunch of vibes and try them out until you find a favorite. But if you ain’t ballin’ like that and you want to get the right one it helps to know which vibrator replicates the stuff that gets you off.

My journey to the perfect vibrator was not so smooth. I got a standard slim vibrator the first time. It was okay but then I realized something: I had my best orgasms when I had both penetration and clitoral stimulation at the same time. The clitoral stimulation needed to be targeted so it couldn’t just be from the length of the vibrator. I discovered that a rabbit vibrator, which has a shaft that goes inside and then an extended nub that massages the clitoris at the same time, was probably my best bet. Eight years and $500 later I have my current soul mate the Lelo Ina II. Isn’t she pretty?

Vibrators come in all kinds and what you choose really depends on what you’re into. In addition to rabbit vibrators like the Lelo Ina there are clitoral massagers which focus entirely on the clit. Clitoral massagers can use batteries, or be plugged into an outlet. A popular one is the Hitachi Magic Wand which is supposed to pack one hell of a punch.

There are also egg or bullet vibrators which are small and usually discreet. They focus entirely on the clit as well. Some of them are shaped like everyday things: a tube of lipstick, a rubber ducky, EOS lip balm etc. They usually come with batteries and there are fancy ones which come with remote controls so a partner can use it on you. Egg and bullet vibrators are usually a little less powerful than massagers.

A variation of the egg or bullet vibrator is a pocket rocket, which instead of being smooth has bulges, nubs and ridges on one end.

There are also dual-pronged clitoral vibes which straddle your clit on either side:

Dildo-shaped vibrators are also a popular choice. Some of them are double-ended so they can be used for both vaginal and anal insertion at the same time.  They look like the real thing and can even come in flesh-colored tones.

Some people swear by G-spot vibrators, which have a long shaft with a distinct curve and a soft jelly-like coating. They are designed to hit your G-spot when they are inserted.

For people who like butt play there are anal vibrators. Some of them look like butt plugs that vibrate and others look like a traditional vibe with a flared bass or bent handle so they don’t get lost in the rectum.

There are also butterfly vibrators, which strap around your waist for hands-free clitoral stimulation.

For couples, there are vibrating cockrings, which are jelly-like rings with small vibrators at the front. The man wears the ring around his penis and it buzzes on your clit when he is inside you.

There are also couples toys, which are designed to be used when the penis is inside you. One side is inserted and vibrates against the roof of the vagina and on top of the man’s penis while the other side sits on top of the vagina and vibrates against it.The thing that makes a good vibe or a good finger technique such an important part of the pleasure chest is that it doesn’t only have to be done alone. You can use a vibrator on your clit while you’re getting it from behind. You can finger yourself while someone sucks on your nipples. Same sex female couples who use vibes find that the possibilities are endless, and contrary to popular belief there are guys who don’t mind incorporating them into the action with you. Though cockrings and couple’s vibes specifically cater to two people at the same time, you can incorporate any type of vibe into sex. Guys like sensations too and holding your vibrator underneath their balls while you give them head has proven to be a very good strategy in 98% of households surveyed.

My quest to pleasure myself has led me to places and taught me things that are beyond my wildest imagination. I’ve discovered I like things I didn’t ever think I would like. I would probably never have figured out that I liked those things if it was just up to me and a partner because my stated dislike for them would have left him reluctant to try them. But just sitting up in my room like Brandy, lovingly touching my junk gave me some important epiphanies about whether I liked a finger up my butt. My quest to find the perfect rabbit vibe even taught me I wasn’t quite as up-to-snatch on my vagina-ology as I thought. Though I knew everything about all the coochie parts, and was aware that every vagina was a special and unique flower, something I would never have found out if I wasn’t a masturbator was that for every woman the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris is different. Same for the vaginal hole and the anus. Before that, I spent over $200 dollars on a rabbit vibe that did nothing for me because the distance between the shaft and the rabbit part didn’t match my anatomy. So the rabbit kept overshooting the most sensitive part of my clit and could never sit right or vibrate in a way that I liked. I went on some message boards and found women with the same problem and eureka, it dawned on me. Masturbation gave me scientific knowledge, y’all. Masturbation made me smarter. Won’t He do it, if you let him? I tell you, masturbation makes the world a better place. So it’s kinda sad that there is no “I” in “pleasure.” There really should be. Cos if you allow yourself to explore and discover, there will be.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.