Dear Janice,

My boyfriend says I’m not wife material.  Should I keep working on the relationship?

Signed,

Want To Get Married Someday Soon

 ****

Dear Friend,

The late, great Maya Angelou once said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”  I’ll add to that my own little saying, “Men always tell us what we want to know, but we just don’t listen”.

In other words, your boyfriend has already answered your question for you.  No, you should not keep working on the relationship.

That may sound harsh, and if so, I’m sorry.  But let’s be real, here.  If he doesn’t think you’re wife material, he won’t marry you.  In fact, that’s exactly what he’s telling you.  He is saying that he will not marry you.  Plain and simple.  And if you want to get married, then he isn’t the one for you.

Now that I’ve answered your question, let’s dig a little deeper, here.  Did your boyfriend tell you specifically why he doesn’t think you’re wife material?  Does he have a list of qualities written down somewhere, outlining what he considers wife material?  Has he shared that list with you?  Is it a matter of him having a different set of values than you … like what he thinks a “wife” should be is very different from what you think?

And here’s the more important question for him – if you’re not wife material, why is he still dating you?  Could it be that he’s the one with commitment issues and is projecting them onto you?  Maybe he just wants the “benefits” of a long-term, committed relationship without putting in the “work”.  I’d love to hear his side.

But what I really want to know is if YOU think you’re wife material.  You say that you want to get married someday soon.  Are you really ready for that?  Sure, we all have things we can improve about ourselves … no one is perfect, after all.  But, even with all of our flaws, we can still be “wife material”, whatever we think that is.

So, are you?  I ask because your feelings about this are more important than your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex’s feelings.  We know how he feels, and trust me when I tell you, no matter what you do, his feelings won’t change.  He’s not going to marry you.  So, let’s move on from him.

What do YOU think?  Are you ready to be someone’s wife … are you ready to accept all of the responsibilities that go along with that?  Only you can answer that, based upon what you believe a wife should be.

In my opinion (and I can only speak for myself), someone who is truly wife material is a woman that loves herself enough to demand the very best from her life partner.  She loves herself and believes in herself so much, that she will accept nothing less than what she is willing to give: respect, support, love, honor, friendship and affection … in good times and in bad.  She knows that there will be times when she has to do the heavy lifting in the relationship, just as there will be times when he may have to do the heavy lifting.  And in between, they will share the load, working in tandem to build their future together.

If you’re ready for this, then hurry up and end this relationship so that you can find the man who will see in you what you see in yourself.  The man you’re supposed to marry is out there, but you have to be available for him.  Staying in this relationship may be blocking your blessings!

Now, back to your boyfriend.  I know it’s easy for me to sit at my keyboard and tell you to give up on your relationship.  And I also know that there are others who would tell you to hang in there and fight for your love.  But ain’t nobody got time to fight for something that isn’t going to happen.  Like I said, he’s told you all you need to know.  You just need to listen to him.

Loving him won’t get him to change his mind.  You can’t change his mind.  You can break your back trying, but trust me.  His mind is made up already.  One of the biggest mistakes women make is trying to change a man’s truth.  It never works.  Ever.

It won’t be easy, I know.  But if you really want marriage, then you need to look elsewhere.  Staying with him is a waste of time.  It may be fun, but it won’t get you where you want to go.  So you have to do the hard thing and LET HIM GO.

Good luck.