Hi Janice, I’m one of your loyal male readers who has been reading your articles since your column first came out. Now,I have my own problem.

I don’t believe in casual sex and only engage in sexual intercourse after a serious commitment. I’ve never had any problems pleasing a woman but my current lady is very prude and doesn’t loosen up and let herself enjoy the moment. Even oral sex – which I give freely – doesn’t get her off.  Her job is pretty “big” and she takes herself pretty seriously – maybe too seriously. She seems happy, and so am I, but this is beginning to affect my ego. I need to get my mojo back.

 Any suggestions? 

 Loyal and humble in Detroit

Dear Humble in Detroit,

First of all, thanks for reading and supporting my column.  I love hearing from my male readers, and really appreciate your honesty.

As far as your issue, you need to understand that your lady’s inability to get off isn’t your fault.  I totally understand how this affects your ego, though.  Everyone wants to believe they are capable of pleasing their partner.  It’s hard not to take it personally when, despite your best efforts, your partner doesn’t achieve the desired “happy ending”.

But trust me when I tell you, the only one standing in the way of your lady reaching paradise is her.  Remember, the biggest and most important sexual organ is the brain.  And it sounds like your lady’s issues begin and end in her head.  Only she can really get to the bottom of what’s keeping her from letting go and enjoying herself.  You can do all the stroking, kissing, licking and sucking you want … but if her head isn’t ready to let go, her body will never get there.

That’s not to say that you can’t help her, though.  You can start by relaxing yourself.  Don’t make such a big deal out of it when she doesn’t climax.  You may not realize this, but your eagerness to please puts a lot of pressure on your lady.  Orgasm isn’t always necessary for sexual enjoyment, especially for women.  If she’s satisfied with the intimacy and closeness of being with you, then let her be.  If she’s capable of having orgasms alone, she’ll eventually get comfortable enough to have them with a lover.  You may just have to be patient.

Also, reassure her of your feelings.  Your lady may need more reassurance that you only engage in sexual intercourse within the confines of a committed relationship.  This may be obvious to you, but she may need to be reminded.  Maybe she doesn’t really believe that you’re committed to her.  She may have trust issues, and your assurance of her place in your life may help overcome those.

Encourage her to talk about her own feelings about sex and relationships.  Her long-held religious or moral beliefs may be interfering with her ability to enjoy sexual activity with a lover.  Without putting too much pressure on her, get her to open up with you about those beliefs.  Just talking about them and knowing that you understand and respect her beliefs might help.

You also have to consider that past trauma or hurt may be affecting her ability to reach orgasm with you.  It may not have been a former lover or partner, it could even be some issues she’s had with male relatives or even her father.  If you suspect this is the case, strongly encourage your lady to seek professional counselling.  She may need help to recover from a horrible past.

The main thing I want you to know is that this is an issue that may not have anything at all to do with you.  She may love you, be turned on by you and enjoy being intimate with you.  But because of her own issues, she just may not be able to climax with you.  You’re not the problem, she is.

So be patient with her and yourself.  And on behalf of women everywhere, thanks for your efforts!