Dear Janice,

I am a very confused lady right now. A few years ago, I met this wonderful guy, and I fell in love with him. At the time, he was at university and I hadn’t yet joined. Unfortunately my sister who worked in that university was not happy about the relationship and made him suffer. I  was experienced with relationships while he, on the other hand, was not. I mostly decided what to do when we were together. Then, I got bored with the whole relationship and we decided to end everything.

We both moved on but kept our friendship strong. He met this lady and together they have a daughter. But. now things are falling apart. His lady is not interested in the relationship. As for me, I met this guy and together we have a beautiful girl. The problem is we are both sickle cell carriers and this daughter of ours is a sickler. My boyfriend on the other hand is a drunkard and at times he even ends up urinating on himself.  A part from all that, he always comes back home late and he is never home, be it a weekend or public holiday.

But, this ex of mine is a fun-loving person, loves dancing, hanging out and that is exactly what I want in a guy. My current boyfriend on the other hand is a total bore, he only goes out with his friends. I have fallen in love with my ex and he claims he has changed and grown up. I believe him coz I can see it. What can I do ????

***

Dear Confused Lady,

Ah yes, falling back in love with the ex-boyfriend … I’ve been there and done that and even have the T-Shirt!  So, don’t worry, yours is not an uncommon problem.  However, as there are kids involved, you do have to be careful.

Let’s take both of these men separately.  Your current guy, the father of your child, sounds like he has some major issues.  Not only does he sound very immature (only hangs out with his friends, when he has a wonderful woman and daughter to spend time with), but he probably has a serious drinking problem, too.  That is a very toxic situation for you and your daughter.  I’m sure that in his few sober moments, even he probably realizes that he doesn’t want his child growing up in a home where his behavior is so erratic that he urinates on himself.  And I know you don’t want that for your daughter, either.  So, regardless of what happens with your ex, you need to remove yourself from your current situation right away.

Run, girl, run!  End that relationship quickly, before someone gets seriously hurt.  Of course, I hope your current guy gets help.  But, it’s not your responsibility to stick around to make sure that he does.  Get out, now!

Remember, though, you’ll probably have to agree to some kind of visitation arrangements regarding your daughter.  Just make sure they are supervised visits.  In fact, you should probably document all of his crazy behavior because you may end up in court over this.  But, that will all come later.  For now, get out!

As for your ex, I suggest you tread very carefully, there.  I want you to think about a few things before you go back into a relationship with this guy.  First of all, there are two children involved.  And while his current relationship may be falling apart, he has to do what’s best for his child.  Dumping his current girlfriend for you may jeopardize his ability to see and raise his own child, and if that happens, he’ll end up resenting you in the long run.

If his current relationship is really on the brink of ending, I suggest you wait it out.  Let him end that relationship before you agree to see him romantically again.  In order for him to have a clean break with his child’s mother, that relationship needs to come to its own conclusion and should have nothing to do with you.  If you’re the cause of their breakup, it can and will get ugly.  Because no matter what, she’s the mother of his child.  That means he will have to deal with her in some capacity for the rest of that child’s life.  And if you want to be a part of his life going forward, you can’t be the reason he leaves his child’s mother.  Trust me.  You don’t want her as an enemy, because she will undermine your relationship.

Secondly, you claim that you can see that your ex has grown up … that now he’s exactly the kind of guy you want to be with.  But you need to ask yourself if that’s really true.  Are you seeing that he’s matured because he’s had a child and has had to grow up?  Or has he really changed so much, that he’ll be completely different this time around?  Remember, you left him because he was a bore and you had to take control in the relationship.

You know the saying “the grass is greener on the other side”?  Well, it really never is.  The grass is the same … always.  So be careful, here.  You see things you like in your ex when you compare him to your current boyfriend.  Well, compared that guy, Jack the Ripper would seem like an angel!

I want you to take a cold, hard look at your ex, not through the prism of your current boyfriend’s issues, but with fresh, objective eyes.  Is he really so different from the guy he was when you were with him?  Or are the same qualities that drove you away still there?  Is he just putting on his best behavior when you’re around?  Or is he truly transformed into a whole new man?

Someone older and wiser once gave me some great advice.  She said that you should never, ever backtrack to old relationships.  She claimed that the reasons you left to begin with are still there.  They may be polished up and shinier than before so you’d hardly recognize them. But, they’re still there.

I do know of people who have broken up, only to reunite later and have a happy ending.  In fact next month, I’m going to the wedding of one such couple, who’d been separated for more than 20 years.  So, yes, sometimes going back to the ex-boyfriend really does work.  But, those success stories are very rare.  You and your ex may very well be another exception to the rule.  But, you must take things slowly.

Stay away from him and let him get out of his current relationship, first.  This will make it easier for him to still be able to see and raise his child … and the child’s mother may be more accepting of you in the future.  And believe me, you’re gonna need her as an ally.

Then, after you really evaluate whether or not this guy has really changed for the better, go ahead and give the relationship another shot.  But make sure you ask yourself the hard questions, first.  And by all means, remember that there are two children involved and their well-being must come first for everyone.

Good luck.