Tag Archives: ASK A SEX THERAPIST

My First Wedding After Losing My Husband – ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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September has always been one of my favorite months. Although I absolutely adore springtime, all things early autumn excite me. Brisk air, leaves changing colors, and caramel apples all make me happy. However, since my husband, Alan, suddenly passed away in May 2016, the last five months of the year now bring bittersweet moments. I would normally celebrate our dating anniversary in August, wedding anniversary in September, his birthday in October, and all the fall/winter holidays in November and December. But since he transitioned, this stretch of time brings a myriad of emotions that can be difficult to manage.

I’ve done a decent job of taking care of myself in preparing for those days. I always plan something, whether it’s a massage or a quick trip. And I hadn’t attended any weddings. Because we had such a beautiful wedding day, I assumed that weddings would be triggering, so I actively avoided them. A few invitations have come my way since Alan died and I would send regrets and gifts in the place of my attendance. However, after learning one of my friends got engaged last year, I knew that I was going to prepare myself to attend her wedding.
In September 2016, I started therapy. As a mental health professional, I knew how imperative it was to work with someone so I could begin my journey toward emotional healing. And even though I’m a therapist, I was annoyed with myself that every time I went to a session, I ended up crying during most of it. I started to feel as though I needed to bring my own tissue supply since I would deplete my counselor’s. However I was able to work through a lot of the feelings I experienced since Alan’s passing, but surprised myself with my own strength and resilience.

As the wedding date approached, I decided that I was going to have a good time. I planned to ride with one of my best friends, picked out a pretty dress to wear (because I feel better when I look pretty), and packed dancing shoes because I wanted to kick it on the dance floor. We arrived at the wedding on time and the ceremony was beautiful. I watched the groom tear up as his beautiful bride gracefully walked down the aisle to meet him. I laughed as the minister used her amazing comedic timing during the ceremony, and allowed myself to be taken by the gravity of the words “until death do us part.” I remarked how quickly we go through that section of the vows. I remembered saying those words myself and how I didn’t really think that time would come soon. It was something I said and meant, but still breezed through as something that wasn’t an immediate concern.

I didn’t get sad during this wedding, but just leaned over to my friend and asked if during her wedding, she thought about the weight of those words. She agreed, that we quickly recite that phrase, often focusing on other parts of the vows or the wedding itself. I again refocused on the beauty of what we were experiencing and lived in the moment. I didn’t take a lot of pictures because I wanted to be present, to appreciate the feeling in the room and celebrate the love that was highlighted.

The first dance was another moment where I had to check in with my friend. They danced to As by Stevie Wonder which has become a song that allows me to dance and cry when I need to. Stevie wrote, “As today I know I’m living, but tomorrow could make me the past, but that I mustn’t fear. For I know deep in my mind the love of me I’ve left behind and I’ll be loving you always.” I leaned over to her and told her about these lyrics before they danced to that part in the song. As it approached, I just put my hands to my heart and sang them, imagining that Alan was singing them to me. I teared up a bit, but was able to smile as I thought about the love I experienced and the joy the newly married couple was now celebrating.

My last little heart pull of the evening came as the couple had their last dance. The DJ played Make It Last Forever by Keith Sweat and I immediately smiled. This was Alan’s JAM! He wasn’t much of a Keith Sweat fan (is anyone, really?), but this song did it for him. But I mean, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like this song. I recorded them dancing for a bit then allowed myself to come back to the moment and dance with Alan in my mind. It was a sweet moment for me where I wasn’t sad, but deeply sentimental. I feel as though my heart smiled throughout the evening, even at moments where tears came, but I had an amazing night overall.

I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through my first wedding since losing my husband, but I made it. …and looked pretty damn fly while doing it. I danced until I sweat and danced even more. And I’m thankful to my friend for being supportive that evening and to the couple for allowing me to witness this part of their love story.

I made it, y’all. And I’m going to keep surviving.

Photo credit: Roland’s photography

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Shape.com, and WomensHealthMag.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com

Insecure About ‘Hella Blows”? ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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WARNING: This article contains spoilers from Season 2, Episode 6 of HBO’s Insecure.

If you’re like me, you plan your Sunday evenings around certain shows. There’s 60 Minutes, Game of Thrones, Power, Ballers, and, my favorite, Insecure. I’ve been fan of Issa Rae’s work since The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl and get excited every time there’s a cameo from “Baby Voice” talking about bleenex and blorox bleach. But this last episode sparked a lot of conversations, not just about one of my favorite character’s ability to change every word beginning with a C- or K- sound into a B.

In Season 2, Episode 6, we experienced “Hella Blows” when after performing fellatio on Daniel, Issa is shot in the eye by errant ejaculate and shows a combination of shock, disgust, and, in my opinion, gross overreaction. After the episode, I found numerous memes and tweets that mocked the situation and most responses I found criticized her reaction. What I found most troubling, however, was the dismissal of the concerns of Molly, Issa, and Kelli when they were discussing their thoughts about oral sex. Issa’s character stated earlier in the show how she felt that black women were immediately dismissed if they performed it early in a relationship. Although most think pieces have characterized this thought as being outdated and irrelevant, I think it’s a very real belief many women still hold true.

I can easily remember the stereotypes I heard of women who gave head. I was told they were promiscuous, dirty whores who had no self-respect. I didn’t receive this message from my family, but from society at large. As a black teenage girl, I clearly recollect feeling a sort of pressure to be the antithesis of certain sexual ideas about black girls and women, particularly the Jezebel archetype. And, of course, if you performed, let alone enjoyed oral sex, that would automatically make you a hoe. From a specific church community, I remember being told very certainly that oral sex was morally reprehensible because you should only use your mouth to praise God, not to defile the body. Because so many negative messages are circulated around this particular act, I felt some resonance when Molly, Issa, and Kelli were describing their reservations with performing fellatio. However, as I grew into adulthood (and as a Christian, read Song of Solomon 4:16 – 5:1), I came to my own understanding and acceptance of oral sex as being a healthy expression between and amongst consenting partners. For me, it was important and necessary that I work to undo the negative ideas that had been perpetuated, but I still understand why and how they exist.

So many people have said the dialogue felt like it was straight from a 2003 episode of Sex in the City. And I get it. It feels like we should be past these antiquated ideas, right? However, I don’t think we should dismiss them. The writers of Insecure decided to include this very real discussion because it still happens in 2017. Many women, specifically black women, are apprehensive about participating in certain sexual acts because of the fear of how they may be perceived. Just because you and your friends have a different experience shouldn’t discount the very real experience of others. The writers just gave voice to it and I’m glad they did.

Now, that shot of semen in the eye? Yeah. If Issa used one of those flavored condoms she got from the Sexplosion, she could’ve avoided that situation. Of course, there are other ways to dispose of semen if you’re not trying to swallow, but that’s for another post and another day.

I just think it’s important to acknowledge the ideas and views of others, even if they feel outdated, are very different from your own, and even if you’ve come to a greater understanding. Dismissing them is reckless and inconsiderate, especially since these are very real concerns of women. I’m just thankful the writers of Insecure decided to explore them and are responding to criticism for doing so.

 

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Elle.com, WomensHealthMag.com, and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

 

 

 

To Grapefruit Or Not To Grapefruit ASK A SEX THERAPIST

Reproductive Health 1 Comment

Like many others, I decided to see Girls Trip during its opening weekend and absolutely loved it, so much so that I saw it twice. The first time was with a brilliant colleague and friend who is one of the other two black sex therapists in the St. Louis area. As we laughed until we cried and sipped our mimosas, Tiffany Haddish’s character, Dina, presented Jada Pinkett-Smith’s character, Lisa, with the option of grapefruiting her new potential partner. If you’re not familiar with this technique, Dina gave a very detailed description in a particular scene. My friend and I were shouting in the theater to our fellow moviegoers, “Don’t do this at home! You don’t want a yeast infection! Citric acid and genitals don’t mix!” We were laughing but were incredibly serious.

Although this scene may have introduced the masses to grapefruiting, it was created by Auntie Angel who has several videos on YouTube where she gives directions on how to perform this technique. Big ups to her for creativity! However, shortly after I learned of Auntie Angel’s video in 2014, I posted my own (you can see it here) warning of possible complications (some which were depicted in a scene with Kofi Siriboe). However, if you still decide to proceed, make sure you follow the advice of Sex Educator Goody Howard and #GrapefruitResponsibly. Consider these points:

  • Citric acid can cause skin irritation. You may want to use a condom while performing fellatio with the grapefruit. If acid gets in the urethra, that may be painful.
  • If using a condom, make sure you remove it and wash the penis and surrounding areas before proceeding with intercourse or penetration. Although the vagina is more acidic than grapefruit, the pulp and juice contain sugar, which can cause irritation and possibly create a hospitable environment in which yeast can grow.

For more SuzyKnew! articles on grapefruiting click here

If you decide to go ahead and try this technique, do so responsibly and with the full consent of your partner. And even if you decide against it, don’t be afraid to have fun and try new things. This is just one technique, but there are many other ways you can spice up your regular routine. Sex can be a fun and pleasurable experience, so make sure you find ways to be both informed and adventurous.

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Elle.com, WomensHealthMag.com, and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

New Year’s Resolutions For Your Sex Life: ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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Every year around December 27th, you will start to see all those “new year, new me” Facebook Statuses and Tweets. A lot of people regard the approaching New Year as an opportunity to plan and implement goals, and rightfully so. A new year brings great energy and a chance step out and improve different aspects of your life. The excitement of this time can provide you with additional motivation to tackle challenges you’ve been facing. Most New Year’s resolutions deal with losing weight, traveling more, or quitting smoking. Whether you decide to be more proactive with time management or finally put that gym membership to use, the first of the year can provide that extra nudge to get’er done. But when is the last time you decided to make your sexuality the focal point of your goals?

In setting goals, remember that your sexuality is an integral part of who you are as a whole person. Yes, working out is important, but remember to think of ways to enhance your sex life throughout the year. Just as you would plan any other resolution, think of things you want to accomplish sexually. Do you find that you’re not present during sex? Look into how mindfulness techniques can be helpful and examine how you can actually incorporate them into your goals. Are you not making enough time for sex? What about sexual dysfunction? You can make a commitment to speak with a therapist who can assist you in working through whatever issues you may have.

As a sexuality therapist, my clients come to me with a variety of questions and concerns, but a common denominator is their desire for change. Just as it is with resolutions, something may serve as motivation to seek my services and work toward solutions. Whether they’re single or in a relationship, this theme is ever present in sessions and can be related to a myriad of issues. Also, all my current clients are black and they seek my services specifically because they want to have a helping professional who mirrors their experience in some way. That’s not to say that therapists of other ethnicities can’t be effective, because they most certainly can. However, most of my clients express relief after finding a black sexuality therapist and I’m happy to serve my community as a catalyst of positive change.

Although New Year’s Resolutions can often be seen as cliché, setting realistic goals for yourself can be incredibly helpful, especially in dealing with your sexuality. So, the next time you see a “new year, new me” meme, don’t roll your eyes, but consider including healthy sexuality in those resolutions so you can move forward into a prosperous and sexy New Year.

 

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Shape.com, and WomensHealthMag.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

ASK A SEX THERAPIST – Happy Female Condom Day

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Inserting a female condom

When I ask friends if they’ve used or ever considered using female condoms, the reaction is mixed. Because of the cost and perceived hassle, they opt to use other methods. However, since today is Female Condom Day ,I think it’s important to review the benefits of this form of contraception.

First, it’s safe to use if people have a latex allergy. I’ve worked with several women who can’t use latex condoms and often, have unprotected sex because of it. Having unprotected sex with non-monogamous partners puts you at an increased risk for contracting STIs or HIV. However, with the female condom which is made of rubber and not latex, you can still utilize this barrier method which is 95% effective is used correctly every time.

Also, they can be used as a part of sex play. Because the female condom should be inserted prior to penetration, it can be inserted by your partner. Grab some lube and play with your partner. AND the external ring can possibly stimulate the clitoris during intercourse! (bonus: you can use oil-based lubes too! …as long as they’re body safe)

Additionally, the female condom stays in place even after a man loses his erection whereas a latex condom may slip off a flaccid penis. Also, did you know the female condom can be used to anal sex as well? Just as it is inserted into the vagina prior to intercourse, it can be inserted into the anus.

So where can you get them? Female condoms are available at family planning clinics and even your local grocery or big box store. They can range in price from $2-4 each, but are a great alternative to latex condoms. Although this method may not be for everyone, it’s a viable option that provides many women the opportunity to exercise choices in reproductive freedom.

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

What Do Brothas’ Like When It Comes To Personal Grooming? ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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We all have our favorites. From music to cologne, most people can easily name their preferences on what it is they like and don’t like.  However, there are some things that don’t come as easily. For me, I love pizza; thick crust, thin crust, veggie, loaded with meat, it doesn’t matter as long as the ingredients come together with sauce, cheese, and a crust. I’m not that picky. And I’m learning there are some other areas where people may not have clearly defined preferences. They just like what they like.

And so since I’m the curious type, I asked some of my guy friends about what kind of vulvas they preferred. Crickets. Ok, so I first asked them via Facebook messenger and only my big brother replied (‘preciate ya homie). But when we had a house party after a bomb concert, I was able to pick the brains of the brothers assembled, gay, straight, and along the continuum, and their answers may surprise you.

I simply asked them what kind of vulvas they preferred and took five pages of notes. Some of the answers were pretty funny while others were straightforward, but what it boils down to is that of the brothers I asked, they don’t have preferences as far as appearance is concerned. The only preference from one brother was that the vulva was connected to a melanated sister. Other than that, none of the men really cared about the position of inner or outer labia, which is pretty comforting in a world where labiaplasty is a thing. Preferences related to pubic hair were pretty flexible as well. Proper grooming seemed to be the main concern. “Is it shaved or lined up? Combed through?” One brother said, “I like grass on the field. Who likes to play in the dirt?” But he did say that it’s nice when the “grass is cut.” ….which then led us into a conversation about proper hygiene and how important it is to know how to properly clean and maintain a healthy vulva. Queen V was then likened to a self-cleaning oven by a sister who participated in the discourse. Freshness is also important, but one brother said that, “if it doesn’t smell like anything, I’d be worried.” Also, tightness was relative. We talked for a while about kegel exercises and how important they are for muscle tone and how they can lead a woman to be a “snapper” as a popular artist referenced on his Instagram page a little while ago.

Also, another brother mentioned how the vulva should match the woman’s personality, being a natural extension of who she is. We then expounded on the oft quoted hip hop line, “You ain’t got to lie to kick it,” explaining that being your natural self and comfortable in who you are is ultimately the most alluring.

We ultimately ended our lively meeting of the minds by understanding that the average brother may not have specific hang ups about vulvas and those concerns may be relegated to majority culture. Is she healthy? Is she confident? Is she a good lover? Those were the main themes that were discussed. Although it’s difficult to extrapolate data from a conversation with a few amazing brothers and apply that to the diaspora, I honestly think their opinions are representative of the average brother.

 

Christmas In July – ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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SuzyKnew! is pleased to bring you a new contributor: ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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It’s July and Wal-Mart and Amazon have decided to throw down in an epic battle of the discount giants and I’m just over here trying to take advantage. I will say, however, it’s kind of getting me in the Christmas spirit. Yes, I know it’s a bit early, but with all these discounts, I can’t help but think about how I can use this as an early opportunity to chip away at my Christmas list.

The Holiday Season has to be one of my favorite times of the year. There’s a spirit of giving that seems infectious and propels everyone, regardless of religious affiliation, to celebrate relationships, whether with family, friends, or partners. However, I think that in the hustle and bustle of taking care of everyone else, it’s important to carve out a little time for yourself. I have a habit of always buying a small gift for myself as I’m shopping for others. Some may call it a little selfish but eh, what can you do?

And so it is with orgasms.

I think we often look for the gift of orgasm from our sexual partners. We expect them to know exactly what to do to give us those moments of involuntary muscle spasms that usually cap a satisfying sexual experience. When we experience a climax, we praise our partners for their sexual abilities or take time to reminisce about the skill set of partners past. Toe-curling, body-quaking orgasms can seem to help us escape from reality, even if for a moment, and even bring us closer to our partners. On the flip side, we often blame them if an orgasm is not achieved, and in some instances, end relationships because, “They just couldn’t make me come.” But whose responsibility is it anyway?

It’s important to know and understand how your body responds and this understanding usually comes from self-study. That means you should know what your body likes and loves before expecting someone else to be able to provide you pleasure. Yes, you should understand your basic anatomy and women should know if they’re able to orgasm through penetration alone or if they need clitoral stimulation to climax (as most women do). AND that means that you’re responsible for your own orgasms. Yes. You.

Although it can be difficult to have conversations with your partners regarding what turns you on, open and honest communication can not only benefit your sex life, but your relationship as a whole. Once you set the stage for dialogue that is non-judgmental but moves you toward pleasure, you open the door for better sex and an enhanced relationship. Also, not every sexual encounter will end in an orgasm and that’s ok. Often when we’re focused on that one goal, we miss the beauty of the spiritual and physical exchange that can occur during sex. Although orgasms are amazing, they’re not always the capstone of every sexual exchange.

Orgasms are important and it’s imperative you understand what works for your body. Don’t be afraid of self-study. While Wal-Mart and Amazon duke it out and you might take advantage of their discounts, don’t forget to unwrap the gift of orgasm for yourself. Take time to understand what turns you on so that if you choose to share yourself sexually with a partner, you can properly exchange gifts.

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De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality.