Tag Archives: masturbation

Does Your Man Masturbate Too Much? By F.N.

Okay, ladies, so something really interesting happened a while ago. I returned to Ghana for a holiday and started back up with an ex. For most of the time we were together the sex was amazing. He was the best I had ever had, hence the going back to get some more of that Vitamin D. We loved each other dearly but we were just incompatible and we brought out the worst in each other because we had no idea how to fulfill each other’s needs. Our love languages were just too different. But we had always had an amazing sex life and when I got back and he came by and started talking about how much he loved me, though my spirit was strong my body was weak.

So we start having sex again. The foreplay is good, the fingering is wow, but when we start the actual coitus I quickly feel all my wetness drying up. The sex is rough. Not rough as in energetic; forceful. Not forceful as in enthusiastic, forceful as in adamant. Overly-determined. Instead of the usual slow slide of his junk against mine, that used to turn my legs to jelly, now he’s doing this hard thrust that is hitting the back of my cervix. Wham. Wham. Wham. Wham. It’s like he’s trying to hit something beyond my vagina. He is a good 6 “3, 260 and so there’s a bunch of weight behind every hit. It’s like I’m being hammered on the inside. He ends every hard wham with this intense, painful grind of his crotch against my crotch. Like he’s trying to get every ounce of friction that he can.

In the time between when I last saw him and when we started back up again he dated someone else. So I start wondering, “Did she make him bad at sex? Was she into some crazy hard banging that has short-circuited his brain? Was her vagina just somehow extra-tight so it gripped him in some vice that mine can’t match? Am I not tight enough? Has he forgotten how I like it?”

In the beginning I don’t say anything. But girllll, the sex gets so painful. I have never used lube in my life but I order an enormous bottle of lube on Amazon and get my uber-religious cousin to bring it down when she’s coming for Christmas. That should tell you how desperate I am. I don’t even care about tongues-speaking family members whispering about my fornication to the prayer warriors at their church. The lube helps for about the first five minutes of knocking boots. But even the lube can’t save the situation. Sex with him aches, first from the wham, wham, wham against every vulnerable part of my vagina, and then from the crotch-grinding, and then again from how far he’s spreading my legs and the lips of my vajayjay open to make sure he gets every inch of himself up in there. He’s always been able to hold back on finishing until I get mine but now it’s taking him forty minutes to come.

He can tell I’m not enjoying the sex.

I used to answer the soft sexy murmurs of “Is it good for you?”

with gasps of “Mmmm-hmmmm”

“How good?”

“So good I can’t feel my legs. So good I’m going to squirt allllllllllll over your thighs.”

“This good?” He’d glide in and out slowly.

“Better” I’d whisper.

“This good?” he’d flip me over.

“Better. Better than ice cream. Better than finding the cure for cancer. Better than eating chocolate cake when you’re high. Better than anything I’ve ever felt. So good I’m gonna come harder than I’ve ever come before.”

Now he asks “Is it good for you?” and I wince out a strangled “It’s okay.”

One day we’re having sex so hard I’ve split my perineum, and mid-action I just call a time-out. He says “Five more minutes, babe, I’m almost there” and I say in tears “Okay, hurry up,” and finally the feminist in me is like naaaaah chile, this can’t continue, you’re making the ancestors cry. So as soon as he finishes I bring it up.

I say “You’re pounding me really hard. And the pelvis grind thing at the end of every thrust is super-painful. It leaves me raw. Having sex with you really hurts.”

He seems a little hurt, plenty disappointed, and says he hasn’t noticed anything different on his end. But he can tell he’s not rocking my world. We keep having sex and nothing is improving, he just tries to finish a little sooner. I take to jilling off before he slides in, hoping the orgasm will make the penetration feel a little better. But nothing good is happening. I’m stopping him every five minutes to squirt more lube up there.

One day we’re lying in bed and I start idly stroking his junk and I feel all this rough skin against my fingers. I peel back the sheets to inspect the goods and I notice that there is peeling skin on his stuff. I ask, in the most panicked voice in the universe, “Do you know your dick is peeling?!!!” and he shrugs and says “Hmm. I hadn’t noticed. It must be from the dry rubbing.” It turns out this brother, for God-knows-what reason, he claims it was because he couldn’t seem to find his lotion, had been masturbating with just his hand for the last six months. No lubrication, just gripping his junk and squeezing and rubbing to completion.

Of course, what the lubrication, whether it’s lotion or Vaseline or K-Y or whatever a man is using to masturbate, does is that it creates a smooth kind of friction, an increased sensation, a vagina-simulation if you will. According to an article in Salon.com “it provides a slippery base that can bring individuals closer to the sensation of real penetrative sex.” No lube means there is nothing but a rough hand against an uncoated penis and the only way to get enough friction for sensation is to increase pressure. As you increase pressure you get less sensitized and eventually you need to squeeze and tug on your junk harder and harder to have an orgasm. Then when you start having sex with a woman, whose vagina cannot offer the pressure of a grown man’s fist, you’re not getting enough friction to satisfy you fully. You know the rest. The whamming and the grinding starts. So does the delayed ejaculation which results in me being subjected to forty-minute torture sessions.

I didn’t know what to say to him. First of all, attend to your junk! It’s peeling. Second of all, how could this beautiful man with this beautifully responsive junk that I used to know exactly how to please have ruined my favorite source of Vitamin D? Thirdly, why was he masturbating so damn hard anyway?

My shock and horror surprises me because I’ve never been one of those women who has a problem with masturbation. I’ve been doing it since I was ten. I’ve always believed men masturbated for the same reason I did: because it felt amazing. Even though I masturbated much much less if I was having daily sex, I still would if my partner wasn’t immediately available and I was feeling horny. I understood the allure of just being able to please yourself without considering someone else’s feelings. Sex is a dance, you have to move with someone, and though this is stimulating and satisfying and mind-blowing it also requires a certain kind of focus and consideration.

Masturbation is flying solo, it’s uncomplicated, you know how to please yourself better and quicker than anyone ever will. It’s fuss-free and self-affirming and allows you to learn yourself better — both in the beginning and as you evolve. I watch porn, though I only patronize movies where the woman is obviously aroused. Even though I have several feminist arguments against the exploitation and sexualization of women, I do believe that there is ethical pornography out there and I hesitate to try to usurp women’s agency by telling them they are not enlightened enough to make choices about what they choose to do with their bodies. So I have no issue with men who watch porn. I will worry about extreme violence, and fetishes for girls who look very young, or any strain of porn that seems particularly dehumanizing to me, but I’m pretty much someone who subscribes to the notion that what turns someone on visually isn’t always indicative of some deep desire in their soul to have that thing. So I don’t feel as if my man watching porn is a rejection of me in any way. I don’t feel as if the women he watches looking different from me somehow means he desires me less or has some secret standard that I am not living up to. I believe we need to be comfortable enough with our men to talk to them about how they feel about self-pleasure, what turns them on, why it does, what reasonable things they wish could be incorporated into their reality — and be open enough that they can be honest without fear of judgment.

Yes, porn can be abused. And if a man uses porn and masturbation as a substitute for sex with an available intimate partner most of the time, I think it is a red flag that he doesn’t feel particularly connected or isn’t really interested in the extra hassle of having to integrate a living person into his sexual satisfaction. So it doesn’t mean dude isn’t into you if he watches porn but I would definitely have a talk if dude would rather watch porn than knock boots with you every single time. And I definitely feel as if if masturbation is desensitizing you to a person’s touch then you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

My ex’s problem wasn’t that he was watching too much porn, it was that he was holding his junk in a death grip. Hopefully, my horrified face at the peeling situation got him to get some help and get back on track because, luckily, desensitization can be reversed.  If you’re wondering if your man is masturbating too much my suggestion would be that the first order of business is to ask him. His masturbation could be a problem if it’s interfering with your general relationship, your emotional intimacy, your sexual connection. It could also be a problem if he’s using it as a crutch to cope with some psychological or physical issue. But if none of those things is happening I’d say let the man be. Go somewhere awesome, light some candles, put on some music and then lie back on the bed and give yourself some self-love too.

For more information about excessive male masturbation, see: WebMD, AskMen.com, and SteadyHealth.Com, Boldsky.com

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC


Masturbation During Our Life – By Nadine Thornhill

Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? Fapping, wanking, polishing the pearl, greasing the pole…whatever you call it, masturbation can be a fun, healthy part of our sexual experience.

According to International Society for Sexual Medicine, most of us get down with ourselves at some point in our lives. That having been said, it’s also important to remember that there is no “right” or “normal” frequency when it comes to masturbation. Some folks do it often, others once in awhile, and some, well…they’re just not that into it.

Solo-sex can have some great benefits. I’ll share lots of masturbation pros throughout this article, but straight off the top, some positives include:

  • Reducing stress
  • More restful sleep
  • Guaranteed play. When you’re in the mood, you’re not going to turn yourself down.

For those of us who enjoy it, the ways and reasons we choose to masturbate can change throughout over the course of our lives.


Young children, and sometimes even babies, may discover that touching their genitals feels good. Generally when kids masturbate, it’s not because of erotic desire. They’ve just discovered a pleasurable physical sensation and want to enjoy it. Masturbating can also help little ones self-soothe if they’re feeling a little anxious, bored or restless. And as with adults, some kids find it helps them relax and fall asleep.

If you catch your child masturbating, yelling or using phrases like “nice girls don’t do that,” and “that’s nasty!” can leave kids with the idea that they or their bodies are shameful and bad.

On the other hand, addressing the behaviour calmly, assuring them that it’s normal to enjoy touching our bodies, can help them maintain positive relationship with their bodies and build trust between you and kiddo.

Young children don’t understand that for teens and adults masturbation is usually a sexual act. They also may not realize that in our culture touching genitals is something to do privately. It’s not unusual for little kids to masturbate openly. If you notice your child doing it again, you can gently correct them and let them know your boundaries/expectations around masturbating.

“This is only something we do in our room.”

“This is only something we do when we’re alone.”

“ This isn’t something we do in our family.”


The stereotype is that teen boys masturbate constantly. But teens of other gender also touch themselves. The mental, emotional, hormonal transitions of adolescence can include some very intense erotic, sexual arousal. Some teens worry that if they touch themselves a lot, they’re going to hurt themselves – which isn’t true. As long as it isn’t interfering with school, extra curricular activities, work or relationships, there’s no such thing as masturbating too much.

For teens, masturbating can be a great way to relieve sexual tension without the risk of unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. It can also help them learn about their bodies and what feels good for them. Mutual masturbation, which is masturbating with a partner, is a way for teens to experience the intimacy of a sexual relationship with no pregnancy or STI risk.


Masturbation can be an extremely pleasurable sexual activity whether we’re single or in a relationship. While some people use masturbation as a sort of “substitute” for partnered sex, other folks find solo sex fun and satisfying in its own right.

Hormonal transitions, pregnancy, illness, injury and normal aging change our bodies as we grow older. Those changes often affect our sexual function.  What gets us off sexually at 45 years old is often different than what we liked when were 25. Masturbating helps us keep in touch (pun intended) with our changing sexual response.

Long-term partners don’t always have matching sex drives. One of us is horny and one of us just wants to watch Scandal. If we’re the less aroused person but we want to give sex a try, a few minutes of masturbation may help us warm up. But there are also those times when we know it ain’t happenin’. If we’re chill with our partner enjoying some sweet solo sex when we aren’t game it can take a lot of pressure off us and our relationship.

How do you feel about masturbation? Let me know in the comments!

Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D is a sexuality educator from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. When she isn’t teaching people about bodies, relationships, pleasure and consent, she enjoys trash tv, biographies about dope people, and hanging out with her partner and their son.

Guest Blogger Lillian Ogbogoh On Your Prescription For Masturbation

M is for ……………..!

Masturbation Yes I said it and what? Ladies, pull up a chair and get personal for 5 minutes. I have been banging my drums non stop about self-love and no pun intended, at least not intentionally.

So, since self-loving conjures up this idea, it seems that we are on topic and it was just the excuse I needed to bring it up. Now, growing up the M word was not used in the same sentence as women.  Unless you were speaking about a certain kind of woman, who was generally whispered about and followed by a resounding good women/girls don’t do that.  The Catholic church’s stand point on the subject of masturbation is, touch yourself, go blind and end up with hairy palms.  What a deterrent to keep us from exploring our bodies, the threat of blindness and hairy palms…….Lol! Whoever thought that up was a little twisted to be honest. Now, for boys, it seems the unspoken rule is its okay as long as you don’t get caught you. If you did there will be shaming involved, but in a nudge – nudge, kind of way.

Just in case you missed it, we are talking about Masturbation! Your solo love  session, clicking the mouse, whatever euphemism it goes by for you,  I will take it as a general consensus, the underlining  message most of us women were given, it’s a  no- no! Good girls don’t touch themselves and children were told off for their hands being anywhere near their genitals. Do you recognize this upbringing? So, now we have loads of grown women ashamed, frightened and even repulsed at the thought of masturbating. The ones that do, are too embarrassed to admit that they do, to their intimate partners. Worried that their partner will judge them based on these funky notions, this shame runs deeper than just admitting they touch themselves for pleasure. For some women, they have taken the ideas that their genitals are a no go zone to the nth degree. They act like it does not exist unless there is a doctor or lover present. But, I digress slightly, as I get off my love your vagina soapbox, as that is a story for another day.

So, back to the regular transmission, have you ever taken a journey to discover your body?  What gives you pleasure?  Are you still waiting for someone to be in charge of your pleasure, to give you the permission to experience pleasure?  You know what type of food you absolutely enjoy? That tastes totally divine to you. You know how you like your eggs? I’m going to take a big leap of faith and say yes! Yes, you do. How did you discover these things?  You did not have someone be in charge of your food did you? No, you tried it out and if it tasted like a disaster you let it go, never to cross your lips again. Right, so this is the kind of self-discovery that should apply to pleasure. You need to find out for yourself!

Yes, I’m outing myself here, but it’s just between you and I, right? I know what gives me pleasure and it makes it easier to share with my enjoyable other what pleases me. There is no need to play sexual charades with him in the bedroom and feel let down when he does not give me what I want. There is nothing wrong, evil, or anything, about coming to grips with your own pleasure and your body. How can you communicate to your Mr. or Ms. Dreamy how you loved to be pleased if you don’t know yourself? Your body, your terrain; it should be a known landscape for you……. Besides, there are many medical benefits to masturbation. Here comes the science bit.

Medically, it’s been proven that masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and can help relive urinary tract infections, according to Joann Ellison Rodgers. In her book, The History of Sex, she describes how the process of tenting stretches and pulls the mucous within the cervix, allowing for a rise in acidity in the cervical fluid. This increases “friendly” bacteria and allows more fluid to move from the cervix into the vagina. When “old” fluid moves from the tented cervix, it not only lubricates the vagina, but also flushes out unfriendly organisms that can cause infections. She goes on to say many women with urinary tract infections report the desire to masturbate when they feel a UTI coming on, and for a good reason. Masturbating helps relieve pain and it flushes the old bacteria from the cervix. It’s the body’s way of getting the bacteria out. Right there, that should be a good enough reason to masturbate.  Let’s add to the reasons why saying yes to you is highly beneficial for you……..

Masturbation is associated with improved cardiovascular health and lower risk of type-2 diabetes. Masturbation can help work against insomnia naturally, through hormonal and tension release. Orgasm increases pelvic floor strength. And ladies, if you don’t know why you need to strengthen your pelvic floor muscle, I suggest you Google it ASAP! It’s considered to be the safest form of sex.

Fine, you will never get a note from your doctor prescribing masturbation unless you lived in Victorian England. Women were treated for hysteria and melancholy. The doctors treated women by genital stimulation, to induce “hysterical paroxysm” or an orgasm. This hysteria was supposed to be a build-up of fluid in the woman’s womb and doctors assumed that since men ejaculated and felt better then it stood to reason …. I swear I am not making this up. Your body, your pleasure, it’s time to become the captain of your pleasure ship. It is time to discover, for you, what gives your body pleasure. No more seeking permission or fear of ending up with hairy palms. No more fearing being judged by your partner. Secretly he/she will thank you when you can guide him/her to the spots on your body that makes you melt with pleasure….

Lillian Ogbogoh is a London-based sensuality specialist and author. She has a passion for empowering women to redefine their relationships and reconnect them with their deeply sensual sides.