Tag Archives: self-care

SOPHIA’S SUNDAY UPLIFT: Week of August 15, 2021

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Sisters,

As you boldly embark on a new week, try to do so without letting your baggage weigh you down. We all have baggage, Sis. All of us carry within us the good, the bad, and the ugly of everything we’ve experienced. We’ve all endured hurt and trauma. And everyone has certainly seen their fair share of tragedy.

The thing to remember is that the hurt, trauma, and tragedy you’ve experienced don’t have to define you. You’re the sum total of all your experiences, not just the bad ones. And when you can fully embrace everything that makes you the uniquely created person you are, you’ll see that you’re so much more than your worst day or your worst experience.

So stop defining yourself so narrowly, and don’t allow others to do so, either.  There’s so much more to you than the baggage you carry. Celebrate the fullness of who you are, including the softer spots and the joys. Embrace everything about yourself: the quirks, the weirdness, the laughter, the tears, the silliness and the depth. Because every single bit of you is worthy and enough.

I’m not sure we can ever completely let go of the hurt, trauma, and everything else that weighs us down. And honestly, we probably shouldn’t, because again, even the bad stuff is part of who we are. But we don’t have to bend, buckle and fold under the weight of all that baggage, either. We can, in fact, stand tall in the knowledge that, even with our heavy loads, we still move forward with purpose, determination, and even joy.

This takes work, though. And that work starts with forgiving and loving yourself first. Prioritize yourself and your well-being. Put your needs first for once. Then, focus on healing those damaged parts deep inside you, getting professional help to do so if you need it. Do this and you’ll soon discover that as you heal and grow, your baggage will seem lighter.

In the meantime, remember that when your baggage seems too heavy to bear, you can lay it down, if only for a little while. Give yourself a break. Take a rest. You’ve earned the right to do so, Sis. You deserve it. Take the time you need to  re-set and re-charge, because the world needs you back out there when you’re ready.

Have a wonderful week and stay safe!

Sophia

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: Naomi Osaka Centers Her Mental Health Ahead of The French Open, And We Love It!

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month! I can’t think of a better way to close out the month than by celebrating tennis star, Naomi Osaka. The #2 ranked tennis player and our favorite little sister decided to put her mental health first and skip the post-match press conferences at this year’s French Open. Japan’s legend-in-the making announced her decision via Twitter and Instagram this past Wednesday May 26th. And tongues immediately got to wagging.

Citing the toll news conferences take on players’ emotional well-being, Osaka said, in part, “I’ve often felt that people have no regard for athletes mental health and this rings true whenever I see a press conference or partake in one”. Post-game or post-match pressers in any sport can be brutal, especially when the athlete loses. Even I, who doesn’t watch a whole lot of sports programming, have seen athletes reduced to tears by the relentless members of the press.

Osaka, who’s Japanese and Haitian, has certainly done her fair share of press conferences. She’s also no stranger to taking public stands on important issues, including racial equality. Remember at last year’s U. S. Open how she wore 7 different masks, each with the name of a victim of racial violence? She’s not new to this. Lil sis knows how to make a statement and raise awareness.

This current stance will cost her, though. Players can be fined $20,000 for skipping post-match press briefings at Grand Slams, unless they’re injured or physically unable to attend. Naomi earned more than $55 million last year, a record for a female athlete. So that $20,000 fine won’t hurt her as much as it would hurt you or me. Still, she obviously believes her mental well-being is worth it. Good for her.

Osaka’s courageous decision to put her mental health first in such a public way doesn’t just help her, it helps everyone. Because she has such a huge, international platform, her candor about her own mental health care gets people talking, especially Black women. We see ourselves in her. And if she can center her emotional well-being, then so can we.

Sadly, affordable, quality mental health care is out of reach for so many. And that needs to change. Still we must, within our own budgetary limitations, make a real effort to prioritize our mental health. After all, you can’t really put a price on mental wellness, can you?

As for that $20K fine, at the end of Osaka’s social media post on Wednesday, she made this cheeky dig at the tennis establishment, “Anyways, I hope the considerable amount that I get fined for this will go towards a mental health charity.” That puts the ball squarely in the French Tennis Federation’s court. (See what I did there?) Hopefully her stance here will prompt the governing bodies of all sports to reexamine the ways in which they support (or don’t) the mental wellness of their athletes.

In the meantime, big ups to Naomi Osaka, not only for her prowess on the court, but for the way she lives her life. She constantly brings awareness to issues which affect Black people and people of color, especially women. Thank you, Naomi. And go get ’em, Sis!

As for you, how do you plan to better prioritize your mental health going forward? Let us know in the comments, and remember, mental health care is health care. So take good care of yours.

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealth #naomiosaka #fenchopen #tennis #blackwomen #blackwomen

UPLIFT by Sophia Ned-James (Week of 2/22/21)

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Congratulations! You’ve made it! Despite everything you’ve endured, you’re still here. I hope you appreciate just how amazing you are, especially after the year we’ve had. Despite a global pandemic, economic upheaval, social and civic unrest, and increasingly dangerous weather events thanks to climate change, YOU ARE STILL HERE! Go ahead and celebrate this win, Sis. You deserve it.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re actually doing better than you think. You may not have hit your goal weight, but you’re still trying, right? You may not have gotten your dream job yet, but you’re still working towards it, aren’t you? Stop focusing on what you haven’t done or achieved, and congratulate yourself for still being in the game! If you haven’t given up, you’re still in a position to win.

Listen. Life is hard. Really hard. And even though your peers seem to have it all together on social media, they’re struggling just as much as you are. Sure, some have it better than you. But others don’t. And they don’t matter, anyway. Because you’ve got your own journey to travel, and your own victories to claim. Like the elders say, “comparison is the thief of joy”. So stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and focus on your own dreams and aspirations.

More importantly, give yourself a break. Show yourself some grace. Recognize that you manage to live a pretty decent life under some very extraordinary circumstances. Give yourself credit for doing what you do every single day. After all, not everyone can do what you do. You need to appreciate yourself more. Because you are incredible!

Do me a favor. When you’re done reading this, make a list of 15 things you love about yourself. I got this idea from a YouTuber who is less than half my age, and it changed my entire outlook on life! Like you, I spend too much time berating myself for everything I haven’t done or accomplished. I’m also really hard on myself, so I know how hard this will be for you to do. Honestly? It took me three whole days to finish my list. So I get your hesitancy.

But trust me, Sis. Make the list. Think of 15 things you love about YOU and write them down. You can include physical characteristics, personality traits, anything you want! Go ahead and be conceited. Compliment yourself and gas yourself up! Write down all of those beautiful things you know to be true about yourself, but are often too modest to admit to anyone else. Be as vain as you want, since you’re the only person who will see this list.

If you love more than 15 things about yourself, great! Make your list as long as you’d like. Just don’t go below 15. Don’t stop at 5. When you hit 10, keep going. It may take a while, but don’t stop until you list at least 15 things.

Why 15, you ask? Well, anyone can make a Top 10 List. But you’re better than that. You deserve more. So keep going until you hit 15.

When you’ve finished your list, read it out loud to yourself. But when you do, start each statement with “I love that I …”. For example, one thing I love about myself is that I’m a good friend. So I would say “I love that I am a good friend”. This part is important because you’re telling yourself why you love yourself. And how we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on not only our mood, but our self-esteem, too. Saying each thing out loud, declaratively and with purpose, forces you to speak kindly to yourself, and changes the narrative in your head.

Think about it. Don’t you love it when someone you love tells you why they love you? I mean, hearing “I love you” is always grand. But hearing specifically why someone loves you just feels extra special. Shouldn’t the person you hear this from most often be yourself? Makes sense, right?

Start making a habit of reading your list out loud to yourself on a regular basis. You can do it after your morning prayers and meditation to kickstart your day. Of you can read it every Monday morning to start your week off on a positive note. Whenever you choose to read your list aloud is fine, as long as you regularly do it.

Do it even when (especially when) you feel your worst. Read that again.

Let the wonderful words you’ve written about yourself replace those negative, self-hating words in your head. Let the sound of your voice singing your own praises become your own personal anthem. We all need regular reminders of our greatness, if only to give us the fuel to keep going when times are hard like now. And who better to remind you of your awesomeness than the woman who knows you best: you?

Sis, we live in a world that under-values US. We spend every single day justifying our existence, proving our worth, and fighting to be seen and heard against the backdrop of systemic racism and virulent misogynoir. That’s why we MUST fight for and protect our happiness and emotional well-being.  Let your own words of affirmation and self-praise be another weapon in your fight. Because you and I both know, we may not ever hear such kind words from anyone else. So we better learn how to speak them to ourselves.

We often remind each other to “speak life” to our children and loved ones. Let’s not forget to speak life to ourselves. Make the list and read it out loud. Then go on out there and continue to shine!

#SpeakLife #SophiaNedJames #UpliftWithSophia #SophiasUplift #Uplift #UpliftBlackWomen #SuzyKnew #SubscribeNow #BlackWomen

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: Ready For A Better 2021? Set Intentions, Not Resolutions!

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Happy Holidays, SuzyKnew! Readers!

2020 has been BRUTAL, hasn’t it? COVID-19 proved to be a real game changer, and not in a good way. Here in the US, we also had to endure an especially gangrenous election season, a failing government and economy, and a whole heap of civil unrest as we Americans continue to grapple with our white supremacist origins.

In other words, 2020 sucked. Big time.

I know it’s tempting to hope that the new year will make all the bad stuff disappear, as though all our Fairy Godmothers will wave their magic wands at midnight on January 1st and make everything better. But, we all know that ain’t happenin’. Come 12:01 A.M. January 1st, we’ll still be in a pandemic, our economy will still be a mess, and the United States will still be a racist-ass country. At least we’ll have a new President on the 20th, though. Finally. Thank God.

Many folks, eager to put this awful year behind them, will rush to make New Year’s resolutions, setting lofty goals to ensure that 2021 is just … better. Sadly, “better” is a pretty low bar after this shitstorm of a year.

But what if things could be better than just “better”? What if, rather than making a bunch of resolutions that will be long forgotten by Valentine’s Day,  we all purposefully set intentions that more truly align with our core values? Wouldn’t it be great if, rather than set ourselves up for failure by trying to reach rigid and unrealistic goals, we actually took the time to figure out what truly brings us joy and contentment, and aimed for that, instead?

Well, let’s do it, then! Let’s ditch the stale, old resolution game and get about the business of truly manifesting our hearts’ desires. Let’s set intentions instead of making resolutions!

Setting intentions makes sense if you really think about it. Resolutions are goals which, by their very nature, put a lot of pressure on us and don’t allow for errors or mistakes. But intentions align us with our true purpose. And unlike goals, intentions allow for missteps, pivots, and errors. Resolutions are often borne of lack or need. For example, your resolution may be to “lose 50 pounds by summer” because you want to look good for the beach. Which isn’t a bad goal to have, necessarily. Except that wanting to “look good for the beach” implies you don’t look good now.

On the other hand, intentions are more powerful because they come from a place of introspection and peace, where the objective is to live a more fulfilling life that matches your core values. Intentions are about being being in tune with the desires of your soul, and seeking contentment and wholeness. That’s way more appealing than simply setting goals, isn’t it?

We here at SuzyKnew! want you to have an AMAZING 2021! So, here are our Seven Steps for Setting Intentions for the New Year:

  1. Begin with Gratitude: This may seem like an obvious place to start, but we all need reminders to be grateful for all that is good in our lives. It’s also equally important to appreciate the bad times because that’s where the growth happens. Bad times forge our character and clarify our purpose. And hey, if you’re reading this, then you’ve survived every bad thing that’s ever happened to you. And after a year like 2020, that’s really saying something.
  2. Honestly Evaluate Your Failures: It’s important to take stock of where you fell short so that you can figure out why you fell short. As much as we hate to admit it, everything bad in our lives in 2020 wasn’t due to COVID. You need to own your part in what went wrong, so that you don’t go into the New Year with those habits and behaviors.
  3. Do Some Soul-Searching: Here’s where you need to dig deep, Sis. Only YOU can determine what it will mean for you to Live Your Best Life in 2021. You need to figure out what you need to be truly content. What inspires you and fills your soul with purpose? More importantly, what do you value? If our intentions are to help us align with our true purpose, we need to determine what that purpose is.
  4. Create the Vision: This is the fun part! Some people make vision boards, others make lists. Whatever you choose, create a physical representation of your intentions, something you can come back to, amend, and adjust as your needs change and your vision expands. Get creative, but keep referring back to step 3 to ensure the vision you create is truly aligned with where your soul wants you to go.
  5. Write it down: Write a brief paragraph about what you want to change in your day-to-day routine to make your life more fulfilling. You may even want to send your paragraph to a trusted friend who will gently hold you accountable. Either way, keep your paragraph handy so that you can refer back to it throughout the year.
  6. Create a Mantra: Carefully and intentionally select a word or phrase that sums up your intentions. Meditate on your mantra throughout each day, repeating it until it becomes a habit. Write it on sticky notes to place on your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or any other place you’re likely to see it throughout the day. You can even take a picture of one of your sticky notes, and set that picture as the lock screen on your phone.
  7. Trust Yourself, God, and the Process: It may take more meditation and prayer, but you really need to get to a place where you trust yourself and your Higher Power to fulfill your intentions. Relax into it. Don’t get consumed with success vs. failure. Remember, these intentions come from your heart and soul, and are aligned with your core values. So let go and let God. Trust the process. Believe that you have the power to manifest your vision in 2021.

There you have it, Sis. Follow these steps and reach for a more fulfilled life in 2021. We may not be able to control the pandemic (except we can all stay home as much as possible and wear a damn mask), the economy, or the racists. But we can be more intentional about seeking peace and contentment.

I don’t know about you, but I’m trying to live my best life in 2021. I know that starts with me and my vision of what my best life looks like. So join me in ditching the resolutions for intentions. Let’s make 2021 our best year, yet!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a Happy and Healthy New Year!

#NewYear2021 #NewYear #IntentionsNotResolutions

SOPHIA’S UPLIFT: Radical Self-Acceptance, Pandemic-Style

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We talk and write a lot about how this current pandemic wreaks havoc on our mental and physical health. But have we really addressed how the isolation, stress, and uncertainty of these trying times affects how we feel about ourselves? I’m not just talking about how COVID-19 has affected depression, anxiety, and other disorders, either. I’m talking about how nearly SIX MONTHS of this mess has changed the way we see ourselves.

Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who have used the lock-down to complete a gazillion household projects, learned a new language, or baked thousands of loaves of bread. Or you may be one of those enterprising entrepreneurs who parlayed their job uncertainty into a lucrative side hustle, making more money than ever. It’s quite possible that you eat healthier, exercise every day, lost 50 pounds, and can now bench press your living room couch. You may even be proud of everything you’ve accomplished since mid-March, and your self-esteem is better than ever.

If this is you, then congratulations! And I mean that sincerely.

But, if you’re like me and millions of others, you’re more stressed, significantly fatter, and maybe even a little disgusted with how little you’ve accomplished since binge-watching The Tiger King back in the early days of this never-ending pandemic. And if you’re like us, your self-esteem has taken a beating. That’s why we all need to get back to practicing radical self-acceptance and self-care.

Radical self-acceptance doesn’t mean that you stop trying to improve yourself. It simply means that you love yourself as you are, flaws and all. It means you stop beating yourself up over the 17.7 pounds you’ve gained, and start embracing the fullness of your body. You can love yourself deeply and accept every inch our yourself fully, and still work at getting, looking, and feeling better.

Radical self-acceptance means that you’ll strive to do better today than you did yesterday, but also that you’re still proud of the person you were yesterday. It means that you love yourself out loud, because you can recognize where you need to improve, and still adore who you are right this minute

Speak affirmations to yourself throughout the day. Take time to pat yourself on your back for the little things you accomplish, as well as the big things. If all you managed to do today was the bare minimum of what you need to do to survive, then allow yourself enough grace for that to be okay. Be kinder to yourself. Give yourself a break. You really are doing the best you can at any given moment during any given day. And sometimes, that has to be enough.

When you get back to deeply accepting and loving yourself, you’ll no longer accept the things that don’t serve you. You’ll disengage from disrespectful and harmful people, and you’ll only embrace those who truly love and honor you. Some people will accuse you of being selfish when you love yourself enough to make YOU a top priority. They’ll resent your self-acceptance and confidence. But that’s okay. Let ’em go, Sis. Your real friends and family will be proud of you and encourage your self-love.

The people in your life who truly have your best interests at heart will celebrate your happiness and progress, not be jealous of it. So let those others go. They weren’t for you, anyway. Putting yourself first is an important step towards radical self-acceptance. Anyone who begrudges you that isn’t good for you.

You may not be where you thought you’d be by now, but you’re still here. And that’s something, especially during a pandemic. You’re here and you’re beautiful, and smart, and at ALL times, more than enough. Whether you’ve mastered working from home or not; if you’ve lost 20 pounds or gained them; or if you parlayed your side hustle into a well-paying job or you’re trying to survive on unemployment; you’re still here and you are amazing exactly as you are in this moment.

Don’t let the fallout from this pandemic or any of the other craziness happening in the world rob you of your self-esteem. Put yourself first, love yourself deeply, and accept who you are, flaws and all.

Stay safe out there and wear a mask!

#SophiasUplift #Uplift #selflove #selfacceptance #upliftBlackwomen #Blackwomen #radicalselfacceptance #radicalselflove #loveyourselfdeeply

 

SOPHIA’S WEEKEND UPLIFT: How Ya Doin’, Sis?

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Hey, Sis! How ya doin’? You good? I know it’s been a minute, but I just wanted to check in and see what’s what.

These are some crazy times, right? A pandemic, mass protests, political unrest … there’s so much going on, right now! The economy sucks, the current administration seems hell-bent on killing us and stealing the election, and we can’t even get together with our friends (in person) and commiserate! I know it can be overwhelming and scary, so I hope you’re taking good care of yourself.

No, really. Are you taking care of yourself? Because I know you’re taking care of everyone else: your kids and family, your job and friends, your faith community, and all the other causes and organizations you give your time and talents to. But are you taking care of YOU?

I hope so! I know we talk about self-care a lot here at SuzyKnew! But the importance of self care can’t be overstated, especially now. Are you drinking enough water? Getting enough exercise? Enough rest? Please, Sis. Do whatever it is you need to do to take better care of you. Because we need you. The world needs you. Your loved ones need you.

We need you to not just survive, but to THRIVE! Listen. I know you’ve already been through a lot. You’ve endured so much during your short time on this planet, more than most people could ever bear. And your pain and struggles have shaped your strength and your beauty. Your survival is a testament to your fortitude.

But you’re more than just the sum total of your past pain and heartbreaks. You’re more than just a survivor and a “beater of the odds”. You are a fully-formed person, deserving of all the good things this life has to offer. Your dreams matter and you deserve to have them all come true. You’re not just here to make the world a more beautiful and loving place (though you do that so well), you’re also here to reap the benefits of that beauty and experience pure, unadulterated joy! You deserve this!

So go ahead and put yourself first for a while. Because it’s up to YOU to live a vibrant and meaningful life, filled with wonder and bliss. So use your time wisely, choose your friends carefully, and remember your dreams and your purpose. Hydrate your mind, your body, and your soul. Always be your most authentic self. And never settle for ANYTHING less than what you truly deserve.

Before I sign off, I want to talk a little bit about rest. Taking care of yourself means getting all the rest you need; not just exhausted sleep, but real, restorative REST. Your body needs rest. Your mind needs rest. And your spirit needs rest. If, in order for you to get the rest you need, you have to shut yourself off from the rest of the world for a bit, then do so. Even if it’s only for a few hours alone in your favorite room.

I know your family needs you. I know you can’t afford to miss work.  But you know what? I bet if you ask a trusted friend to watch the kids or take care of your mom for a day or so, they’d gladly step in and do it. I bet if you actually took the time off your job probably already owes you, the place will still be standing when you get back. You just have to ask: for help, time off, a break. So go ahead and ask. You deserve this.

I hope you take this advice in the loving spirit for which it’s intended. Because I do love you. You are me and I am you. And most of the time “we all we got”. I love you, Sis. So take care. Wear a mask. Wash your hands. And please … be well.

All My Love,

Sophia

#selfcare #selflove #upliftBlackwomen #Blackwomen

 

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: How Ya Doin’, Sis?

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How ya doin’, Sis?

It’s been a rough few months, hasn’t it? It’s as though we’ve entered a weird, combination of 1918 (global pandemic), 1929 (economic crash), and 1968 (civil unrest) all at the same time. We opened with the untimely and tragic death of NBA star Kobe Bryant; saw the Republican-led Senate vote to acquit the current occupant of the White House on two counts of impeachment; became completely obsessed with the antics of Joe Exotic and his arch-nemesis, Carole Baskin (Netflix’s The Tiger King); and the ENTIRE world caught a deadly virus which shut down EVERYTHING.

As a result of the COVID-19 virus, the economy tanked, causing millions to lose their livelihoods; states issued “stay-at-home” orders to stem the spread of the deadly virus, forcing us all indoors; then, armed civilian militias stormed state capitols to protest the stay-at-home orders; murder hornets are headed to the U.S. and a giant asteroid is headed towards earth; and the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery at the hands of racists and George Floyd at the hands of (under the knee of) racist police officers sparked massive protests against anti-Black racism and police brutality WORLDWIDE.

And it’s only June! I mean, really, 2020 has been a wild ride!

So, I ask you again: how ya doin’, Sis?

Because we all know that Black women, in particular often bear the brunt of all the craziness going on in the world. For example, the racial disparities in health care alone make us more vulnerable to the ravages of COVID-19. We all know Black women who either couldn’t get tested or were denied quality care during this pandemic. And don’t even get me started on the covert and overt racism we experience on a daily basis. From the irritating microaggressions we grin and bear from our white colleagues to the “Karens” who want to call the manager/police/anyone-in-charge on us for simply existing in our Black skin, we catch Hell even during the good times. And these are not good times, are they, Sis?

So how are you? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you drinking enough water? Are you exercising and eating healthy? How are YOU?

I ask because I know you, Sis. I know how hard you work for your family and your people. I see you out there at these protests making sure people have enough water and masks, keeping track of everyone’s kids, putting yourself between the police and your husband, brother, son. I see YOU!

I see you driving around making sure your elderly relatives and friends have enough food, water, and toilet paper when they can’t go to the stores because of the virus. I know you’re helping the kids keep up with their schoolwork so that they don’t fall behind during the pandemic. I see you using what little spare time you have left to sew masks for your friends and to donate.  I see you out there taking care of everybody.

But, Sisters! If ever there was a time to make your own well-being a priority, it’s NOW! Because this is a marathon, not a sprint. We Black women already know that without us, this entire society that’s really a house of cards built on a shaky foundation would crumble. Or get burned to the ground. So we have to stay strong and be ready for the long haul.

That means you MUST take care of yourself. Drink more water. Exercise. Meditate and pray. Eat right. Laugh with friends. Make love. And take time out of every single day to center yourself and YOUR needs.

You can’t pour from an empty vessel, Sister. You’ll be no good to the people you love if you don’t take good care of yourself. So, if that means you have to skip the next march, then so be it. Let others march in your place. If you need to unplug from cable news and social media for a while, then do it. I promise, it’ll all be there when you get back. If you have to turn off your phone for a few hours every evening, then do so. Give yourself permission to stop, be still, and find some peace.

We’re only halfway through 2020, and there’s still so much work to do. Here in the U.S., we have an election coming that will determine what our country will look like for decades to come. We don’t know if our kids will be learning online or returning to the classroom. We have an economy to repair, deaths to properly mourn and funeralize, and a lot of healing to do. We’ve also got to keep the momentum from these protests going and set about making real and lasting policy changes. And that’s just a partial list.

So please take care of yourself, Sis. Put yourself first for a while. Take a break. Take a nap. Take a bath. Take a breath. Take care of you so that you can be battle-ready for the days, weeks, and months ahead.

I know 2020 has been a lot … but we got this. We will win.

Stay healthy and safe.

#BlackLivesMatter #JusticeForBreonna #SayHerName #BlackWomenMatter #BlackGirlMagic

 

SOPHIA’S INSPIRATION: Self Forgiveness by Sophia Ned-James

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Ladies! Let’s talk about Self Forgiveness!

For many of us, the forgiveness of others and the forgiveness of our God are the cornerstones of our belief systems. We’re taught from a very young age that to forgive is divine, and that we should forgive others as God forgives us.

But what about forgiving ourselves? What about showing ourselves a little grace for our stumbles? I’ve noticed that, for women especially, self forgiveness is a lot easier said than done.

Why is that, though? Why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves? Why do we, as Black women, spend so much time beating up on ourselves for the mistakes we made in the past?

I won’t pretend to have all the answers, though I’m pretty sure the reasons are layered and deeply rooted in the perpetuation of white supremacy and patriarchy. Because everything seems to be layered and deeply rooted in the perpetuation of white supremacy and patriarchy. But that’s a discussion for another day and another column.

The point I’m trying to make is that whatever our reasons for holding these forever grudges against ourselves, we need to stop! Black women especially need to learn to forgive ourselves as readily as we forgive others, and as completely as God forgives us. Period!

Sisters, it’s so important that you make peace with your past, and then let it go. You are so much more than whatever awful things you did back then. Your mistakes don’t have to define you, so stop giving them so much space in your head.

Listen. Everyone messes up, sometimes! So stop being so hard on yourself! Learn from your errors, do better next time, and move on with your life. Focus on where you’re going, and leave where you’ve been in the rear window.

2020 has been hard enough, already. A global pandemic is wreaking havoc on humanity and you’re doing the absolute best that you can. So show yourself a little grace and let those past mistakes and stumbles go. You’re not the same person you were, so love and forgive yourself for who you are in this moment. You won’t regret it, I promise.

Stay safe and healthy. And be kind to yourself!

Photo Courtesy of Pixabay

ASK JANICE CORONAVIRUS SPECIAL: Black Women Already Understand Racial Bias In Medicine, Why Don’t You?

Ask Janice Opinion OUR THOUGHTS 4 Comments

I just had a brief Facebook exchange with a white woman (a friend of a friend) that perfectly shows why Black women must always fight to keep our voices and experiences from being erased. Our mutual friend had posted yet another article about a Black woman who was denied COVID-19 testing THREE times, and ultimately died from the virus. These stories have been popping up all over the place, especially in the hardest hit areas. And they clearly show the rampant racial bias that has always existed in our health care system.

The conversation that followed the article was mostly about how this current pandemic has truly highlighted the huge disparities between the medical treatment of Black people, and Black women, in particular, and everyone else. We all lamented the fact that too often, Black women’s pain and symptoms are ignored because of the implicit bias of medical professionals; and how this happens to Black women regardless of their education levels or socioeconomic status.

In fact the original poster is one of my best friends, and is a highly educated physician who lives in a wealthy neighborhood. But when her COVID-19 symptoms became life-threatening and she had to call an ambulance, the EMTs tried their hardest to talk her out of going. They repeatedly dismissed her symptoms and kept telling her that the hospital would probably send her home. It took another physician friend who was on speakerphone to convince them to take my friend to the hospital, where she was admitted, after all. Thankfully, she was released after a few days, and is recovering comfortably home. Praise God.

Anyway, I pointed out how frustrating it is for Black women to basically have to submit a resume and bank statement when recounting these experiences. It’s as if, for the benefit of the white sympathy, we have to prove our “worth” as humans to get them to understand that we get discriminated against because we are Black and female, regardless of our backgrounds and income. As if it’s okay to discriminate against poor and uneducated Black women. Which, of course, it isn’t. No one should face discrimination when seeking medical care.

It’s the same thing that happens when a young Black, unarmed person is murdered by the police. We always feel compelled to point out that he was a good student with a promising future. In reality, no one deserves to be gunned down, regardless of how they do in school, or where they live, or how much money they have.

But I digress.

Where my doctor friend’s white friend (whom I’d met years ago when they were in medical school together – she’s very nice, btw) made me grit my teeth was when she said,”I think that women, in general, are often dismissed and being a woman of color magnifies that”.

Y’all.

She just “All Lives Mattered” the very specific discrimination that Black women face in health care! Not only that, but she lumped Black women in with all women of color, which is another HUGE pet peeve of mine (more on that in a second).

Listen. I will be the first to admit that all women face discrimination. Full stop. How-some-ever (as the aunties used to say) … there is absolutely no scenario, situation, or circumstance where white women face the same level of discrimination as Black women. Not here in the good ol’ U. S. of A., and not ANYWHERE else on this planet!! I don’t care how much Becky and Karen have to deal with, it pales (see what I did there?) in comparison to what Black women face EVERY SINGLE DAY.

(In fact, have y’all seen how, all across the internet, white women have been claiming that them being called Karen is the same as a Black person being called the n-word? Whew! The nerve! But that’s worthy of a whole separate post, because there is so much to unpack and discuss. Again, I digress.)

And people really need to stop saying “women of color” when they mean Black women. Because again, Black women face way more discrimination than women from any other racial or ethnic group. And more often than not, those other groups treat Black women like shit, too. All while appropriating our vernacular, our style, our swagger, and everything else that’s glorious about us.

That is why I never refer to myself as a woman of color, anymore. Not when those other colors treat me just as badly as some white folks do. No thank you. I am a Black woman. Period. And when you are referring to any kind of statistics, trends, studies, or whatever that measure how women are treated, you need to make sure you separate the experiences of Black women from every other category. Because our experiences are not that same.

That’s not to say that I don’t believe in solidarity with ALL women on many issues, like equal pay, reproductive freedom, and any number of important things. I’m all for gender solidarity as long as Black women’s voices are heard and heeded. But what I won’t do is allow for the erasure or dilution of Black women’s experiences. Nor will I let ANY comment, turn of phrase, or post that attempts to do so go unchallenged.

I’ll close with a quote from the late Malcolm X: “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.” He said that in 1962, and it has never been more true than today.

Wash your hands and stay healthy!

 

ASK JANICE CORONAVIRUS SPECIAL: Have You Cyber-Partied With Your Girlfriends, Yet?

Ask Janice OUR THOUGHTS No Comments

As we wrap up another Women’s History Month amidst a global pandemic that has us all doing some form of “social distancing”, I want to celebrate the tenacity and ingenuity of friendships between Black women. Even in the face of “shelter in place” and mandatory quarantines, sistas are gonna find a way to celebrate each other … together.

That’s because Black women have a long and storied history of “making a way out of no way”. So if we decide to co-opt various teleconferencing apps to have cocktails and dance parties with each other in the face of impending doom, then that’s what we’re gonna do!

Listen. We’re all stressed these days. This latest coronavirus, COVID-19 (or “the Rona”), has changed everything. Every single day, we’re losing our loved ones to this insidious disease. Here in the U.S., thanks to the abysmal response of the current occupant of the White House, we’re seeing our death toll rise exponentially every day. Of course it’s hitting Black communities especially hard. You know that old saying, “When America gets a cold, Black people get pneumonia?” Well, that’s never been more true than now.

At this point, I don’t even know anyone who hasn’t been personally touched by this virus. It’s bad, y’all. Really bad. And the fact that we haven’t even peaked yet is terrifying! So it’s more critical than ever that we all abide by the “shelter in place” rules so that we can stop the spread. Which means no Happy Hour meetups, no brunches, no in-person socializing with our favorite friends.

But … what that Rona NOT gone do is stop a sista from getting that all-important, rejuvenating, re-charging, gut-busting-laughter-filled time with her girlfriends! We have the technology to stay connected, even as we responsibly “social distance” ourselves from each other. And Black women everywhere are taking full advantage of it!

This past weekend, my social media was absolutely buzzing with women sharing pictures of their Zoom cocktail parties, their Skype brunches, and other online group events. Also, thanks to a few famous DJs going viral with hours-long Instagram and Facebook Live parties, folks were having full-blown dance parties with their friends, all from the safety of their own homes!

And boy, do we need some fun, right now! I mean, there’s only so much gloom and doom we can take. It’s been a relief to turn off the president’s lies and cyber-party with my girls. We’ve shared cocktails, danced, laughed, and cried together … even though we’re forced to be apart. These virtual get-togethers have given me LIFE, and I can’t imagine doing this quarantine thing without them.

So if you haven’t done so yet, check out platforms like Zoom or other web conferencing options, and gather your girls for a cyber-party! They’re easy to use and totally worth the effort. We need our girlfriends, ladies! Remember … in today’s world, sometimes “we all we got”!

Stay home, stay safe, and stay healthy!

#datrona #COVID19 #sistafriends #girlfriends #cyberparty #getyourgrooveon #blackwomen