Tag Archives: sexuality

Your Sexualicious Self

Okay Ladies,

The year is winding down so there’s been a lot of introspection. Your girl has been on a journey to unpack her sexual identity and as I’ve thought through things some stuff that I hadn’t really given much thought to has been illuminated. We’ve discussed how I’ve always thought of myself as a feminist and an ardent advocate for sexual pleasure in bed, right? Yeah. So it will probably surprise you as much as it surprised me when I started thinking through my sexual experiences and realized that this year I had failed to be the person I thought I was. Somewhere along the line I had stopped being honest about what I liked. I had had painful, uncomfortable sex more than once without saying anything and there had been times when I wanted to change positions or ask for something but had just felt like it was too much trouble. I had lost my voice. I used to throw my head back when I was on top and feel like a goddess as I was riding the guy and that hadn’t happened at all this year. Huh? What? How? I had to start asking myself some questions. As I asked myself more and more questions the picture I got of my sexual history and my self-care practices got fuller and fuller. So I’m going to share some of the questions with y’all:

  1. How many sexual encounters did you have this year?
  2. How often did you enjoy yourself during the sex?
  3. How often did you orgasm and/or feel satisfied and satiated after the sex?
  4. What things made you orgasm or feel satisfied? Who did them, you or your partner?
  5. How often did you feel comfortable vocalizing your desires, preferences, fantasies etc.?
  6. How often were your partners receptive to your requests or feedback? Which partners were they?
  7. Did you do something you were uncomfortable with or found less than pleasurable? If so, how often? With whom?
  8. How often did you zone out during sex? Do you remember what was happening at those times? What things made you engaged and what things made you disconnect?
  9. How often was your preferred form of STD prevention or birth control used? Were there times your request for condom use or the pull-out method were denied or ignored? And if so, how often? With whom?
  10. How often did you feel self-conscious about your body? What were you self-conscious about? At what times were you the most self-conscious? At what times were you the least self-conscious? Did the person you were with do something that made you self-conscious? What was it?
  11. How often did you feel light-hearted and carefree and relaxed? When were those times? Who were they with? What was happening?
  12. How much time did you spend with your sex partner(s) outside the bedroom? Were you satisfied with your non-sexual relationship with the person i.e. were they fulfilling the purpose you wanted them to (whether it was as a fuck buddy, Netflix-and-chiller, side piece, sugar daddy, husband, boyfriend, intimate lover, soul mate etc.?)
  13. How often did sex leave you feeling better than you were feeling earlier? How often did the sex leave you feeling worse? Did you feel like you were getting what you needed or wanted?

This exercise can take a while; you don’t have to do it in one sitting. There might be things you don’t have answers to, things you don’t remember, things you frankly don’t think you need to think about because they don’t matter one way or another to you. That’s all okay. Answer the questions you want to. And remember that no one has the right to privilege one type of sex over another. Sometimes a casual encounter where there is no hair stroking and forehead kissing and soul meeting is exactly what a girl needs. An orgasm is not always the ultimate goal of sex and sometimes it can be a journey rather than a destination. Sometimes the energy required to advocate for your own pleasure isn’t worth it for someone you have no deep connection with and don’t intend to continue sleeping with (on a regular basis). So this isn’t a measure of “Are you an empowered sista?” “Are you having sex the right way?” “Would Maya Angelou be proud of you?” The idea behind this is simply to take an honest assessment of what your sexual footprint is and have an honest discussion with yourself about whether sex is fulfilling its goal, whatever that is, for you. Even if the goal of the sex is to have no goal at all. It’s just a check-in, girl. And you don’t have to evaluate 2016, you can ask yourself the questions about the past five years, the past ten years or the lifespan of your sexual life.

What this list did for me was that it helped me see trends. Sex with this particular person at this particular time in this particular way made me feel shitty. Good to know. No more nookie for him. Sex in this place pushed my buttons, sex without dirty talk was nothing to write home about. Good to know. More Twi in the guest bathroom at my aunt’s house. For my friend Esi the list helped her choose between the two guys she was seeing. She asked herself how often she had enjoyed sex in the past year and realized it was about 60% of the time; she asked herself how often she felt self-conscious in bed and like she couldn’t express herself and realized it was about 50% of the time, and then she started thinking about the specific instances where she felt good or bad and it hit her that, OMG, all the fun times were with Mike… The non-fun times were with Yaw, the other guy she was seeing. So she was able to do some soul-searching about why sex with Yaw was so fraught for her and she came to the conclusion that when she was with him she was constantly comparing herself to his ex-girlfriend. Why did this happen? Oh, that’s right, because he talked about his ex alllllllllllllll the time. And sometimes when he was inside her he seemed to go someplace else in his head.

Yaw gave excellent head and was more intense so she had just assumed that sex with him was great. She was using that metric a lot of us use: “Is he an accomplished cunning linguist? Yes. Does he take control? Yes. Okay then, he’s putting it down!” But she realized that was an arbitrary measure once she started picking it apart. When she really thought about it, she was like, hey, Mike wasn’t less passionate, he was just less aggressive. And when she gave that some more thought, she realized that it was probably because he was scared about hurting her because he was a really big guy. Mike didn’t go down on her much and when he did, no two ways about it, his technique wasn’t as good as Yaw’s. But when she brought up oral sex casually one time on his couch she realized that Mike just hadn’t had much practice at it. All the women he had dated before her were really self-conscious about him being down there and so he had just sort of decided that it was something he would wait for women to explicitly request. He didn’t get asked much so he didn’t get any better at it. Esi was able to figure out that she needed to communicate more of her desires to Mike and that sex with Mike was good because it was fun, he didn’t expect perfection, and they could have tickling sessions in between Round One and Round Two. He didn’t look as good on paper as Yaw did but he made her feel better. And with this newfound self-awareness she was able to make some executive decisions. Spoiler: Yaw got dumped.

So yeah, take a minute and swirl some of these questions around in your head. I’ve realized that a lot of us think of our sexual experiences as a blur with highlights of pleasure or disappointment — with a few breakout stars and some highly forgettable extras. We need to start figuring out what makes us come, what makes us happy and what version of ourselves we are when we are getting some. It will help us build a complete picture of who we are so we can start the work of loving all parts of that person unconditionally. It will be a crazy big step in becoming our best selves.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.

Sensuality Without Sex! – Lillian Ogbogoh

Most of the time, when we hear the words sensuous and sensual, there is an immediate assumption to it meaning sexual.  Most people can’t be blamed for this line of thinking. Merriam-Webster defines sensuality as “Relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite.” While Oxford defines it as “Of or arousing gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure.”

Sensuality is a state of being where you live from your awaken senses. You can make the mundane & ordinary sensual without the act of sexuality being involved. As a woman who is celibate, sensuality is not off limits to you. In fact, it is your birthright and a divine act of self-love and cannot be taken from you nor does it require another person to activate it in your life.

This assumption that sensuality and sexuality mean the same thing has caused a lot of women, especially faith based women to shy away from their own sensuality fearing it to be lascivious and carnal. Fearing that being a sensuous woman is just one step away from being a Scarlet woman. This could not be further from the truth; as in the true definition of sensuality is about living from your fully awakened senses as a way of being while sexuality is the physical act of sex.

So how can you be sensual and celibate?  First, you need to change your mindset; stop thinking about sensuality in terms of sexuality and sex.  Yes, sensuality can make your sex life more pleasurable, however let’s shed some light on this. Sensuality is about living from your senses that are your taste, sight, smell, feeling and hearing. There are so many activities in life that are sensual that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Like the simple pleasures of, indulging in a great massage, eating a tasty meal, feeling the touch of silk brushing against your skin, dipping strawberries in chocolate, or even turning up your favorite song thus allowing the music to fully move you and just dance. Enjoy the day you’re in and look around you. Get out into the park, and walk among the roses, take pleasure in the ordinary from sharing that giggly chat with your friends, reading that book, indulging in that delicious cup of coffee. Take the time notice the world around you learning to live in the moment allows you to take full sensory notice of the world around you.

Taking the time to be present is another sure fire way to kick start your sensuality without sexuality. What do I mean when I write be present? Simply put, this means being able to be in the moment. I apologize for how cliché that sounds. Being present calls for you to enjoy the moment and day you are in, in fact it calls for you to be where you are. Stop listening to the noise in your head or checking off your mental checklist. Make a priority to be present with the people you are with, as well as being present with yourself, this calls for you to listen to what you desire and want. Being fulfilled is the mark of a sensual woman. There are various ways to awaken your sensuous nature; your surrounding can be a sensual haven for you. Create a sensual haven for yourself. This is such a simple way to fully awaken your sensuous nature. Throw out those old sheets and towels. Instead buy ones that feel indulgently grand to use against your skin. Redecorate your sanctuary using colors that bring you pleasure. To make you feel amazing, get a nice shag pile rug that feels luscious to walk on. Create yourself a sanctuary, a haven to retreat to.

Turn inward! It is time to form a deep intimate relationship with your amazing body. It is not being sexual in any way. It is about loving the body you are in. This is about taking full ownership of your body and being comfortable in your own skin.  Have you seen those women that just look comfortable at home in their bodies?  There is a joy that can be seen by others. Her sensuality is something evident from the way she moves, to how takes care of her body like it is scared even down to how she dresses and feeds herself.

As you can see being a celibate woman does not exclude from the sensual woman club, your sensuality is who you are not what you do. Sex is invariably linked to sensuality however sensuality can exist with sexuality.

I’m Lillian Ogbogoh, as the Sensuality Discovery Specialist I help women to break up with the mind-sets and thoughts that keeps them feeling unfulfilled and invisible in their own lives. Teaching them how to take center stage in their own lives to attract the amazing life they desire.






I’m A Single, Black Christian Woman. Will I Ever Get Married? If Not, Should I Plan A Life Without Sex? ASK JANICE

Black woman with Bible

Dear Janice,

I’m a professional, single Black Christian woman who was raised to believe that sexual relations should only take place within the confines of marriage.  But more than a decade after getting my Master’s, I’m still single – and we all know statistics say that the chances of Black women getting married are slim. So, while I want to enjoy a sexual relationship with a man, I just don’t feel comfortable doing so. But, the chances of my getting married are slim. Should I plan to live my entire life without sex?

Also, Janice, I just want to let you know that recently I received and accepted an exciting offer to become a part-time representative of a tasteful, online sex toy business started by a widely respected female entertainer. How do I share my news and excitement with my family and church?


Charlotte, NC



Dear Sierra,

I’m going to deal with the second question first.  Congratulations!  And can a sistah get a hook-up … a discount … a good deal?  Just kidding!

Seriously though, given your upbringing, it might not be a good idea to share all the details of your new part-time gig with everyone.  I’m not saying you should lie, mind you.  And I’m so glad you’re excited about what you’re doing!  I’m just saying that everybody doesn’t need to know all your business.  Maybe just say that you’ve accepted a part-time, online sales position and leave it at that.  These days everyone is selling something online, so making a little extra cheddar on the internet isn’t unusual and shouldn’t raise too many questions.  And trust me … I’d give you the exact same advice even if you weren’t involved in the church.  Our world is still too threatened by the idea of women owning and controlling their own sexual pleasure, and many will make assumptions about your character based on the products you represent.  I’m not saying it’s right … but it happens.

Now to the question of whether you should plan to live your entire life without sex.  My answer is a loud and resounding NO!  First of all, don’t give up on the idea of getting married!  I know so many women who have multiple degrees and are well-established in their careers who are finding life partners despite the depressing statistics.  Your future hubby may not have his Master’s like you do, and he may not even make as much money as you.  But, if he loves and respects you, shares your values and has the same goals in life as you, then he’s the one!

I’ll admit that finding Mr. Right ain’t easy these days.  I’m just saying don’t give up.  Keep your mind and your options open.  Consider thinking outside the box and try online dating or even a professional match-maker.  Just be proactive and open … and don’t buy into all the hype about there being no one for educated, Black women to marry.

In the meantime, I am not going to tell you to set aside your beliefs about sex outside of marriage.  However, from the tone of your question, I suspect you may be ready to do just that.  I would urge you to remember that one reason for keeping sex within marriage has historically been mostly about children.  I personally believe that if sex was only meant for procreation it wouldn’t feel so damned good!  But, that’s my opinion.  If you do decide to embark on a sexual relationship before you get married, I only hope you choose someone worthy of you.  He should respect you, honor you, care about you and be genuinely concerned with your pleasure.  Anyone who doesn’t do all of the above just isn’t worth your time.

Anyway, with the products you represent in your new part-time job, this may be a moot point anyway!  Yes, having a human sex partner is preferred … as long as he’s good and meets the above-mentioned qualifications.  But trust me when I say, ain’t nothing wrong with playing with toys!  They don’t talk back, fart in bed, hog the blankets, stain your sheets, snore or turn on Sports Center when you’re done.  And they never make promises they have no intention of keeping.

Now … about that discount?




You can ASK JANICE all your intimate love questions at ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com