Tag Archives: true love

My Next Love Will Be A Civil Rights Love v 2.0

In recognition of the 50th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., SuzyKnew! is re-running an updated version of this article which first appeared February 2012.

With both MLK Day and Valentine’s Day behind us, I’ve been reflecting on what a married friend shared with me a few years ago in confidence. She said her next love would have to be a man who participated in the US Civil Rights Movement during the 1960’s. She mused about divorcing her husband – the father of her only child – a man who is artistic, unique and a mathematical genius – and finding a truer, deeper love. The qualities her husband possesses provided her the love she needed in her late 20’s; but years later, my friend, who came to the US as a young girl, finds it’s not the basis of the lasting love she is in need of to take her through her 40’s and beyond. Today, she needs a love that will excite her to her very core and have deep and true meaning, like the love provided by a man who has risked his reputation, livelihood and very life for the justice of his people and others.

What she means is male activists in the Occupy Wall Street movement didn’t take the same risks. Yes, the cause was – and is – noble. But, most likely the man occupying Wall Street was there because he had already lost his job – or his house. So, he had nothing more to risk by occupying Wall Street. And, if he did have a job, in all probability he was not at risk of losing it – or his life – because of his activism. Martin Luther King, Jr and the the civil rights leaders of the 1960s put everything on the line to change society. Because of them, Blacks, other minorities and whites from working class and ethnic backgrounds have more rights and freedom today. For my friend, who confronted racism as a young mixed-heritage immigrant girl, only a man who could take such risks – and show that deeper love for all humanity – could provide real, true love that would touch a woman’s very core… forever.

But, civil rights leaders are now in their 70’s, and 80’s and are dying out. Maybe my friend would be moved by a man who participated in the Arab Spring. Egyptian, Tunisian, Libyan, Syrian and other Arab men put their reputation and lives on the line. But, now several later, the hope of creating a better and more democratic Arab society is being replaced by incredible despair, as the tragedy of Syria continues to worsen, and autocratic leaders solidify their grip over Egypt and Turkey. Today, 5 years after the killing of Michael Brown by Ferguson, MO police and the emergence of the Black Lives Matter Movement after the shooting of Travyvon Martin in 2014, US Black men continue to be recklessly slaughtered by the police, in spite of increased awareness of the problem by mainstream society and municipal police departments.  The most recent victim is Stephon Clark, an unarmed 22-year old father of two and the target of 20 police shots while in his grandmother’s backyard.

Fifty years after the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr, something has gone very wrong. In many ways, it’s like living a surreal and new version of the Emmett Till story over and over again.  Almost daily, we are being confronted with in-your-face injustices. We are all being called to take action.  My friend may find a man in her inner circle who is answering today’s call to lead and fight for justice.  Maybe she will be inspired by him and others to actively demonstrate love and hope in the face of hate and despair.  Or maybe the true love she is really looking for is a true love for herself and she is the one who is called to be a civil rights leader. It takes passion, commitment, and the true love of humankind. And, you may have to put everything at risk.

True love comes in many forms. And, men like Martin Luther King, Jr and others dedicated themselves to loving all of humankind – not just one woman.

The original version of this article was published in February 2012

How Can I Tell If It’s Really Love? ASK JANICE

Christmas Sex

It’s the holiday season. A wonderful time to be in love – and kissed underneath the mistletoe. If you’re looking for love, how you know when you’ve found it?

Below is a reprint of ASK JANICE’s answer to this age-old question.

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Dear Janice,

I’ve been with the same guy for five years.  Just recently, a co-worker asked me how I knew I was actually in love as opposed to just comfortable.  That got me thinking.  How can I tell if it’s really love?

Cynthia

******

Dear Cynthia,

Let’s talk about love!

First of all, congratulations on the longevity of your relationship!  These days, five years is like the new decade!  It’s a challenge to stay together … especially in the age of social media where old lovers can be found with a click of the mouse and every stupid thing you do can end up on YouTube.  So, the fact that you’ve hung in there says a lot.

Only you can determine if it’s real love, though.  I’m sure that after five years, you’ve already figured out the difference between that all-consuming romantic lust we have at the beginning of relationships and the real thing.  At first, it’s all flowers and moonlight, candles and hand-holding.  We can’t stand to be away from that person, even for the few hours we’re at work.  We talk constantly, whether by phone, text or Twitter.

And the sex?  Nothing and I mean nothing beats that beginning-of-the-relationship sex!  Both of you treat each encounter like a performance, pulling out all your best moves and your sexiest lingerie.  And you’re both insatiable … seeming to want and need it all the time.  You screw like rabbits and can’t get enough of each other.

But, after the honeymoon is over, all those quirky little things you thought were cute in the beginning are now annoying.  You don’t feel as obligated to laugh at all of his jokes and he no longer bothers to leave the room before he farts in front of you.  Conversations are brief, only occurring at your insistence or during half-time of the game.

As for sex, it’s still good, just not as frequent as before.  You’ve seen each other’s best moves and frankly, they just aren’t as impressive as before.  And you don’t mind so much if your panties and bras don’t match before you go to bed, either.  In fact, you don’t even give your pre-sex lingerie much thought anymore.  If it’s clean, you wear it!

And yet …

He’s still the first person you think of calling when you get good news at work.  He’s also the first person you call when you get bad news.  You don’t care if you laugh so hard you snort around him; and the fact that he can still make you laugh hard enough to make you snort speaks volumes.  You may hate it when he leaves the toilet seat up or his socks on the floor, but your heart still skips a beat when you hear his key in the door after a long day at work.  He’s still the last face you want to see when you go to sleep and the first voice you want to hear when you wake up.

You may not generate the heat and fireworks like you did when you first got together, but he’s still the only one who can make your temperature rise, even if it’s just a little bit.  He knows all your hot spots like the back of his hand, and yet he still goes just slow enough to send you to your bliss each and every time.

And even though you may bicker and fight like cats and dogs, you share a certain synchronicity that can’t be duplicated anywhere else.  It’s a rhythm, a harmonic beat that only the two of you can hear.  Most of the time you’re not even conscious of it … but it’s there.  It binds you together as you weather each storm, pulling you closer as each year passes.

Yeah, it’s comfortable, too.  Kind of like an old pair of slippers or that tee shirt you sleep in and just can’t get rid of.  But it’s also comforting, providing a safe harbor from the day-to-day trials of life.  And you share a deep respect for each other, so that no matter how angry or annoyed you get, you’ll only go so far with your insults and barbs.  You’ll never really set out to hurt each other.

And that’s just a little glimpse at what real love is … so enjoy

ASK JANICE your intimate question. Write to Suzyknew@suzyknew.com put ASK JANICE in the subject line.

My Next Love Will Be A Civil Rights Man

In honor of MLK Day – and Valentine’s Day on the horizon – I am reflecting on what a married friend shared with me a few years ago in confidence. She said her next love would have to be a man who participated in the US Civil Rights Movement during the 1960’s. She mused about divorcing her husband – the father of her only child – a man who is artistic, unique and a mathematical genius – and finding a truer, deeper love. The qualities her husband possesses provided her the love she needed in her late 20’s; but years later, my friend, who came to the US as a young girl, finds it’s not the basis of the lasting love she is in need of to take her through her 40’s and beyond. Today, she needs a love that will excite her to her very core and have deep and true meaning, like the love provided by a man who has risked his reputation, livelihood and very life for the justice of his people and others.

What she means is male activists in the Occupy Wall Street movement didn’t take the same risks. Yes, the cause was – and is – noble. But, most likely the man occupying Wall Street was there because he had already lost his job – or his house. So, he had nothing more to risk by occupying Wall Street. And, if he did have a job, in all probability he was not at risk of losing it – or his life – because of his activism. Martin Luther King, Jr and the the civil rights leaders of the 1960s put everything on the line to change society. Because of them, Blacks, other minorities and whites from working class and ethnic backgrounds have more rights and freedom today. For my friend, who confronted racism as a young mixed-heritage immigrant girl, only a man who could take such risks – and show that deeper love for all humanity – could provide real, true love that would touch a woman’s very core… forever.

But, civil rights leaders are now in their late 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, slowly dying out. Maybe my friend will be moved by a man who participated in the Arab Spring. Egyptian, Tunisian, Libyan, Syrian and other Arab men put their reputation and lives on the line, and now 4 years after the Arab Spring first began, the hope of creating a better and more democratic Arab society is strong in some countries like Tunisia but perhaps fading in others. It takes passion, commitment, and true love of humankind to continue in such a movement. Today, there are the activists of Ferguson. US Black men are being recklessly slaughtered by police without mainstream acknowledgement that something has gone very wrong.  In many ways, it appears to be a surreal resurrection of the Emmett Till story multiplied many times over. There may be new civil rights leaders on the horizon.

But, true love comes in many forms. And, men like Martin Luther King, Jr and others in the civil rights’ movement have committed themselves to loving all of humankind – and not just one woman.

The original version of this article was published in February 2012

How To Ruin Your Relationship By Anna Karenina and YourTango.com

Years ago when I read Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina – yes, all 300 or 400 some pages – I couldn’t figure out why Anna had decided to step out on her man and have an affair. Her husband had a good job, great social standing and was apparently quite handsome. Then I saw the movie Anna Karenina and realized how horribly boring Anna’s husband was and immediately understood everything. I would have left his dull behind, too.

Sure, back then in the late 1800’s marrying for love wasn’t the norm. And part of the whole plot is why falling for a man purely based on chemistry and having his love child while you’re married doesn’t usually lead to happiness but devastation. Tolstoy was trying to tell us intense love can drive you crazy. You just might commit suicide, like Anna did.  (Not to give away the story, but, I think everyone knows Anna goes mad from her love for Vronsky and jumps in front of a train.)

Women should strive to be “women of honor,” the movie points out. Well, I think of myself as “a woman of honor.”  But, who hasn’t thrown caution to the wind to chase after some seriously good looking man only to wake up a few months (or years) later to wonder “What in the world was I thinking about?” A man who is sexy and exciting today can become a real bore years later.

But, aside from the obvious points all of this indicates like love is patient, love is kind, and true love isn’t always wrapped up in a seriously, good-looking sexy man, it also tells us there things we do to ruin perfectly good relationships. I mean I know there weren’t any counselors and therapists back then. But couldn’t Anna have worked with her man Alexis and turned that dull marriage into a hot one?  Alexis Alexandrovich Karenin was a patient guy. He initially forgave Anna for her adulterous behavior and was willing to give her a second chance. But, he was just really weak in the emotion and seduction area.  He was clueless about what his wife was feeling.

Anna didn’t exactly share her feelings either and she expected Alexis to be “every man.”  – But, no man can fulfill everything we need as SuzyKnew’s very own Janice  pointed out  in ASK JANICE. Also, the lady also didn’t take responsibility for her own feelings and sense of security. She used Vronsky, her dashing military lover, to fill her emptiness. And once Anna hooked up with her cad of a lover, she spent her every waking moment thinking about him and doubting herself. Another good way to ruin things.  YourTango’s  A 7-Step Guide To Ruining Your Relationship gives you blow by blow the ways you can mess up a good thing you may have.

It’s hard enough to get into a decent relationship or marriage. Once we’re in one we have to address our own insecurities and try not to ruin things  without realizing what we’re doing.

Sigh…

 

5 New Year’s Resolutions For Great Love In 2013

Istock photo

Hey SuzyKnew Reader!

We all need love.

But, how do we get great love?  Make these 5 key resolutions in 2013, and you’ll be on your way to great love in 2013:

1. Vow to put 2012 behind you. This isn’t easy. And, we aren’t saying it is. But, even if it takes a few good self help books or time with a therapist, put 2012 in the past. This means resolving your feelings and forgiving the man who broke your heart in 2012 or back in 2002. It also means giving up the resentment you’re holding against your boyfriend, best friend, or sister for what they did to you in the past. Talk it through and work it out. Keep it moving in 2013.

2. Be true to yourself. Know who you are and what’s important to you. Sometimes, it’s hard to admit we aren’t who we wish we were. We’re less generous with our time and money than we let on. Our credit card debit is higher and our credit score lower than what we share with close friends, and our housekeeping skills are far from perfect. So, we shouldn’t try to convince ourselves that we would be happy with a social activist or a man with impeccable finances, let alone a man who follows Martha Stewart’s every tip.  But, settling in with a man who shares our passion for good conversation, our commitment to family, and common values will put us on the path for great love in 2013.

3. Forgive others and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes in love or get our hearts broken. But, if we don’t let it go – and we mean really let it go – finding great love will be impossible. And, sometimes, we’re harder on ourselves than we are on others. So, when we’re in the process of forgiving our partner and our friends and family, let’s not forget to forgive ourselves. Only, then can we engage ourselves completely in love. And, as Jennifer Lopez SuzyKnew said earlier in 2012, if we can’t love ourselves, who can we love?

4.  Give freely of yourself –  and let others know your needs. Yes, that’s right. Give your man what he wants. If he wants you to cook him homemade meals, cook it, honey!  And give him that back rub, too. If your best friend or sister needs to talk to you for hours on end about the man who left her or the boss who fired her, let her. But, make sure they know your needs and what you have to do to be you.  In other words, cooking wonderful homemade meals is fine – on the week-ends when you have time. Spending hours on the phone is okay too when you don’t have any pending deadlines at work. And, yes, you need your mani pedi every other week and a mind-blowing orgasm twice a week.

And finally, and most importantly…

5. Put God first in your relationships and in all that you do.  Yes, Gentle SuzyKnew reader, believe it or not, it’s not all about you. There is a higher power out there. God is watching and wants you to be happy – and have great love. Put God first in all your relationships and you’ll achieve great love.

How Do I Know It’s Really Love? ASK JANICE

Dear Janice,

I’ve been with the same guy for five years.  Just recently, a co-worker asked me how I knew I was actually in love as opposed to just comfortable.  That got me thinking.  How can I tell if it’s really love?

Cynthia

Dear Cynthia,

Let’s talk about love!

First of all, congratulations on the longevity of your relationship!  These days, five years is like the new decade!  It’s a challenge to stay together … especially in the age of social media where old lovers can be found with a click of the mouse and every stupid thing you do can end up on YouTube.  So, the fact that you’ve hung in there says a lot.

Only you can determine if it’s real love, though.  I’m sure that after five years, you’ve already figured out the difference between that all-consuming romantic lust we have at the beginning of relationships and the real thing.  At first, it’s all flowers and moonlight, candles and hand-holding.  We can’t stand to be away from that person, even for the few hours we’re at work.  We talk constantly, whether by phone, text or Twitter.

And the sex?  Nothing and I mean nothing beats that beginning-of-the-relationship sex!  Both of you treat each encounter like a performance, pulling out all your best moves and your sexiest lingerie.  And you’re both insatiable … seeming to want and need it all the time.  You screw like rabbits and can’t get enough of each other.

But, after the honeymoon is over, all those quirky little things you thought were cute in the beginning are now annoying.  You don’t feel as obligated to laugh at all of his jokes and he no longer bothers to leave the room before he farts in front of you.  Conversations are brief, only occurring at your insistence or during half-time of the game.

As for sex, it’s still good, just not as frequent as before.  You’ve seen each other’s best moves and frankly, they just aren’t as impressive as before.  And you don’t mind so much if your panties and bras don’t match before you go to bed, either.  In fact, you don’t even give your pre-sex lingerie much thought anymore.  If it’s clean, you wear it!

And yet …

He’s still the first person you think of calling when you get good news at work.  He’s also the first person you call when you get bad news.  You don’t care if you laugh so hard you snort around him; and the fact that he can still make you laugh hard enough to make you snort speaks volumes.  You may hate it when he leaves the toilet seat up or his socks on the floor, but your heart still skips a beat when you hear his key in the door after a long day at work.  He’s still the last face you want to see when you go to sleep and the first voice you want to hear when you wake up.

You may not generate the heat and fireworks like you did when you first got together, but he’s still the only one who can make your temperature rise, even if it’s just a little bit.  He knows all your hot spots like the back of his hand, and yet he still goes just slow enough to send you to your bliss each and every time.

And even though you may bicker and fight like cats and dogs, you share a certain synchronicity that can’t be duplicated anywhere else.  It’s a rhythm, a harmonic beat that only the two of you can hear.  Most of the time you’re not even conscious of it … but it’s there.  It binds you together as you weather each storm, pulling you closer as each year passes.

Yeah, it’s comfortable, too.  Kind of like an old pair of slippers or that tee shirt you sleep in and just can’t get rid of.  But it’s also comforting, providing a safe harbor from the day-to-day trials of life.  And you share a deep respect for each other, so that no matter how angry or annoyed you get, you’ll only go so far with your insults and barbs.  You’ll never really set out to hurt each other.

And that’s just a little glimpse at what real love is … so enjoy!