Why Can’t I Always Orgasm With My Boyfriend? ASK JANICE

Hi Janice!

 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years & we’re very much in love, but our problem is sex. Sometimes it is so amazing, I see stars and can’t think to even walk afterwards. Other times I just want it to be over. I’ve had other partners. But, I think my trust and love for him is what makes sex so outstanding when it is, but what about the other times?!

I know it is possible to make it right most times, but I don’t know what’s going on. He’s very attentive to my needs and always tries to help me orgasm, but it just doesn’t happen often enough. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I can’t get there most times. I’ve tried different positions and that helps but sometimes it doesn’t. I’m pretty sure I have only had an orgasm less than five times in my life & it is so depressing!

I need your help!

J from BK


Hey, J from BK!

Congratulations on your relationship!  Three years is quite an accomplishment.

About your sex life, we need to consider a few things.  The fact that you’ve had orgasms at all tells me that you’re comfortable enough with your guy to “get there”.  That’s a huge positive in your favor and speaks volumes about the level of intimacy you two share.

But please remember, for many women in love, sex isn’t always about the big “O”.  Making love isn’t always about a big finale.  It’s so much more than that.  It’s about being close and sharing a physical and emotional bond.  It’s about giving pleasure and receiving pleasure.  So if it doesn’t always end with bells and whistles for you, it wasn’t a failure.  Making love can be beautiful without an orgasm.

That said, I am concerned that at times you just wish it were over.  That sounds like maybe you weren’t in the mood to make love in the first place.  But hey, we’ve all been there.

Experienced women will tell you that in order to keep your man happy, there will be times when you have to “perform” even when you don’t want to.  That’s part of the give and take of relationships.  You don’t ALWAYS have to say “yes”.  But no man likes to be turned down a lot, either.

Sometimes, we gals have to put our big girl panties on (or take them off) and do what we gotta do.  It’s called “taking one for the team”, ladies.  And in every successful relationship, there has to be sacrifice.

But it can’t seem like a sacrifice to your man, though.  You still have to act like you’re into it.  And no, you may not have an orgasm during those times, but you can’t just lie there and daydream about shoe shopping, either.  You have to perform like an Oscar winning actress, and he needs to believe it.  Besides, the better your acting, the faster he’ll finish (and the sooner you’ll be able to shop).

This is just a part of being in a relationship.  Sometimes, you have to give him some when you’re not in the mood.  And when you do, y’all could try every position in the Kama Sutra and you still won’t orgasm.  And that’s okay.    Besides, there will be times when you’ll want it and he won’t be in the mood.  But, he’ll do what it takes to get the job done and keep you happy.  It’s all about compromise because a relationship is a two-way street.

Don’t get it twisted, though.  You should never have sex if you really, really don’t want to.  You always have the right to say “no”, even in a committed relationship.  But, I’m just keeping it real.  If you say “no” too many times, your man will find someone else who will say “yes”.  I’m just sayin’ …

Now, if you’re just as into making love as he is and you’re still not having orgasms regularly, there may be something else going on with you.  Remember, the sex organ most important to your enjoyment isn’t your vagina or your clitoris.  It’s your brain!

Could it be that you’re stressed about something that has nothing to do with your relationship?  Are things tense on your job, for example?  Are you worried about finances?

You also can’t rule out unresolved childhood issues, especially if they’re related to your sexuality.  Unresolved issues from our past have a way of creeping into our present at the most inconvenient times … like during sex.  And of course, your religious and family belief system may also affect your sex life.  Guilt is one surefire way to kill an orgasm!

Things that happen OUTSIDE the bedroom affect what happens INSIDE the bedroom, even when we don’t realize it.  You could be just as horny as your man, but if you’re under a lot of pressure at work, you may have a hard time reaching nirvana.  If you’ve got some unresolved issues swirling around in your head, it’s going to be really hard to experience true ecstasy.

Only you can uncover what’s affecting your ability to reach orgasm with your boyfriend.  You need to really examine what’s happened in your life that could be impacting your enjoyment.  It may be something simple.  Or it may be something that requires deeper analysis and expert help.  Either way, it can be resolved.

In the meantime, your boyfriend sounds like a great guy.  He’s patient and seems to really care about your happiness.  Take pleasure in that and be sure to let him know how much you appreciate him and his efforts.  And please, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Relax and enjoy making love with your man for the intimacy of the act, and don’t be so worried about the big finish.  You’re going to be just fine.

5 responses on “Why Can’t I Always Orgasm With My Boyfriend? ASK JANICE

  1. Sophia

    Sometimes its hard to let go and enjoy! I know for me, if I’ve had a stressful day, it can take me a lot longer to “finish”. It’s like I have to work harder to turn “off” my brain. Anyway, sometimes getting there is half the fun!

  2. LavendarGirl

    J from BK. I’ve heard women try massaging their clit while having sex to help them get the big “O”. Also try not to masturbate because if you do it too much you lose the sensitivity down there. Hope that helps!

    1. Ask an obgyn

      Hi, thanks for writing. The cliteros is an important part of sexual pleasure, and in fact most women need some sort of direct or in direct cliteral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. It’s a highly sensitive organ packed with nerve endings.
      I’ve read a few comments on the web from women that experience overstimulation with direct clitial contact during sex and just shift positions. I think what they are expericing (and what you are referring to) is short term overstimulation, not a permanent loss of sensitivity. Cliteral piercings and other alterations (FGM) can cause permenant damage, but I see nothing in the scientific literature on loss due to using a vibrator, fingers, shower head, etc… But everyone is different. Masterbation is fun and a great way to get to know your individual body. Enjoy!

  3. TJ


    Sometimes you might need to help him help you get to where you are going. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it helps. You should communicate how you feel about sex to help…sometimes you have to train men to give it to you like you want so that you will be satisfied and hopefully he will be satisfied while pleasing you.