Dear Ask Janice:
I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend, whom I love deeply. I love being close to him and giving him pleasure, but I am finding that I don’t enjoy sex at all! I’ve never had an orgasm and I always end up feeling disappointed. Is there something wrong with me?
Girl, ain’t nothin’ wrong with you that a little quality time with yourself can’t fix! What you need to do is figure out for yourself what feels good to you. Before you can help him give you orgasms (because yes, he’s gonna need your help with this), you have to learn how to have orgasms. And the only one who can help you learn how is yourself!
Yes, I’m talking about the M word, here: Masturbation. It’s safe, it’s easy, and it’s the best way to figure out what you like. Choose a time when you are able to be alone for at least an hour or so. Get relaxed, get comfortable and then get to know your body. Let your mind wander and think about what turns you on. Go ahead and fantasize … whatever it takes to get you sexually excited. Now, touch yourself. Use your hands or use toys (vibrators, dildos, whatever) and take your time. Don’t rush, don’t blush. Just relax and enjoy.
Once you’re comfortable giving yourself pleasure, you will be able to help HIM give you pleasure. Next time you have sex, take a more active role! Tell him or show him how to touch you so that you can feel good, too. You can be blunt or subtle, but you have to assert yourself here. Trust me, he’ll appreciate the help. Most men want to give their partners pleasure … but they aren’t mind readers!