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ASK JANICE Special: Grief And The Holidays

Ask Janice No Comments

Tips for the Grieving and Those Who Love Them

Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, the end of the calendar year marks a whirlwind time of holiday dinners, parties and events.  Suddenly, our lives revolve around rich food, holiday decorations, shopping and gifts.  The pressures of frantic shopping, non-stop cooking and having to wear happy faces and obnoxious holiday sweaters can be overwhelming when life is good.  It can be especially difficult when you’re grieving.

Let me re-phrase that.  It can be brutal when you’re grieving.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one and are facing your first (or second, or third) holiday season without them, the recent onset of holiday music and the proliferation of Christmas decorations can be devastating.  And that’s okay.  It’s normal.  Trust me.  I know how hard it is to make it through all the expressions of joy and good cheer when your heart is broken into a million little pieces.

You’re not alone.

And, I also know how hard it is to love someone who’s grieving during the holidays, too.   You may feel guilty about being happy when your loved one is so sad.  You never know if you should leave them alone to grieve, or if you should encourage them to get out and have some fun.  Should you call and check on them?  Or will that make them sad if you happen to call when they’re feeling relatively happy?  It’s hard to know the right thing to do, isn’t it?

You’re not alone, either.

Whether you’re grieving this holiday season or know someone who is, I got you!  With some help, I’ve put together some tips for both the grieving soul and the folks who love a grieving soul to help you all navigate this holiday season.

TIPS FOR THE GRIEVING:

  1. ACKNOWLEDGE that this holiday season will be different and harder than in the past. Own your truth, don’t try to deny it.  And most importantly, ALLOW yourself to feel what you feel: joy, anger, sadness, glee … whatever, just FEEL it!
  2. BE HONEST and tell people how you feel about participating (or not) in certain events this year. Be clear with your friends and family about both what you want to do and what you don’t want to do.  Give them plenty of notice if you’re not going to follow your usual holiday routine and understand that even if they’re not happy about it, they’ll get over it.
  3. Set REALISTIC expectations about what you will do, cook, decorate, etc. Don’t over-commit yourself when you’re feeling particularly good or high energy.  Remember that grief is often a wave of emotions.  You may feel up to it today, but not tomorrow.
  4. Keep the TRADITIONS you want to keep, and let go of the rest. And don’t feel guilty about it!  You don’t have to carry on certain traditions because your late loved ones liked them.  It’s your choice, so only do what you’re comfortable doing.
  5. Avoid ISOLATING YOURSELF! You may be tempted to avoid all the hoopla and stay in bed from Veterans Day until after New Years, but don’t.  Completely isolating yourself won’t help your grief, won’t bring your loved one back, nor is it healthy.
  6. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, SKIP sending HOLIDAY CARDS, DECORATING, or even certain EVENTS if you want, and don’t feel guilty about it!
  7. Select a few SPECIAL ITEMS that belonged to your late loved one and gift them to friends or family who will appreciate them.
  8. Make a DONATION to a charity in your late loved one’s name.
  9. Make a MEMORIAL ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one.
  10. JOURNAL when you’re having a particularly bad day.
  11. GET HELP. Seek professional help, if necessary. Don’t try to “white knuckle” it on your own.  There are licensed professionals available to help you.  Say yes to help!
  12. Practice SELF CARE. Put yourself first. Drink plenty of water and get lots of sleep.  Pay attention to your eating habits … even with all the rich food, make sure you’re getting enough fruits and veggies.  Hydrate, exfoliate, meditate, and relax whenever you can!
  13. Have an ESCAPE PLAN. If you do attend the office parties, the family dinners, etc., drive yourself so that you can leave whenever you want. Or take an Uber.  Or call a cab.  Just be able to leave when it all becomes too much!
  14. Create NEW TRADITIONS. Now is a great time to establish new traditions, designed the way you want. Do it, and don’t feel guilty!
  15. Remember that it’s OKAY TO BE HAPPY! Enjoying yourself doesn’t mean you love or miss your loved one any less. In fact, what better way to honor their memory than to have fun?  So go ahead and allow yourself to experience joy this season.  It’s what they’d want you to do!

(Sources: What’s Your Grief dot com; Vitas Healthcare; Huff Post)

 

TIPS FOR HELPING SOMEONE WHO’S GRIEVING:

  1. Remember that EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY. Respect the way your friend grieves.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  Even if you think your friend should’ve “gotten over it by now”, don’t say so.  In fact, if that’s what you think, you’re probably not that great a friend anyway, so …
  2. Be a GOOD LISTENTER! It used to drive me crazy when people tried to comfort me by talking non-stop about their own losses or issues.  THAT DOES NOT HELP!!  Let the grieving person do most of the talking.  If they don’t want to talk, allow them to be quiet.  Either way, LISTEN more and talk less.
  3. Remember that the way YOU want to celebrate may not MATCH THE WAY your grieving loved one wants to celebrate. Don’t be offended they just aren’t up for the usual holiday hijinks.  Still invite them because they don’t want to be left out, but without the pressure.  Always allow them an “out”.
  4. No news isn’t necessarily good news. If you haven’t heard from your grieving loved one for several days CALL THEM!  Don’t send a text.  Don’t inbox them or send a private message via social media.  Pick up the phone and CALL THEM.  Your call may be the only thing that gets them out of bed that day.
  5. It’s OKAY IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! No one expects you to have all the answers, so if you don’t know what to say, that’s cool.  It’s better to just say “I love you and I’m here” than to fill the dead air with platitudes and clichés.  I know it’s awkward and it’s hard.  But trust me.  “I love you and I’m here” can be enough.
  6. Encourage them to TALK ABOUT THEIR LOVED ONE! One of the hardest things for someone in mourning is the feeling that everyone is tired of hearing them talk about their dearly departed.  Talking about our lost loved ones helps us mourn them.  So please, allow them to talk as much as they want!
  7. AVOID GIVING ADVICE! Just … stop.  Don’t.  For real.  Now is NOT the time.
  8. Don’t use the holiday season as an opportunity to EXPLAIN THE LOSS. Again, now is not the time.  Words like “it’s God’s will” and “This is for the best” may sound good in your head, but they don’t at the holiday table.
  9. HELP with PRACTICAL tasks. Especially if your mourning loved one usually does the cooking or hosts the party.  Offer to either take over or help them, because this year will be very different.
  10. BE AVAILABLE. Don’t expect reciprocity when it comes to communicating. You may have to be the one who always initiates contact for now.  Keep reaching out, even if you have to leave messages.  Don’t make the person feel guilty for not responding, but let them know that you’re there, you love them, and you want to help.  These are the messages they need to hear most.

(Source: CancerCare.com)

Can you think of any more tips for the holiday season?  Please leave them in the comments below.  In the meantime, have a safe and happy holiday season!

 

The Politics Of Wetness – By F. N.

Love and Sex No Comments

So, the last time I was having sex I realized I wasn’t as wet as I usually am. I was concerned. I’m usually wet, very wet, and everything is silky and moist. So even though I tend to be kinda tight in the cooch region, the snug fit is secondary to the smooth ride. When I’m having sex dude slides right in and, according to my ex, “feels like he’s bathing his junk in a cocoon of warm, silky lotion.” I think he was being kinda extra. I, personally, only employ such hyperbole when I’m talking about how fine Idris Elba is.

My ex claimed being inside me was better than coming because if he was inside me then the sensation never ended but once he came it was over, and, until he got it back up to start round two, his junk was lonely and lotionless. I used to take it for granted that I was a wet wet wet girl. So wet it would be all over my thighs and dripping on the bed. So wet that any time someone went down on me I could taste myself all over their face when we kissed.

Everyone I slept with loved it. It made them feel desired; like they were doing all the right things; like every move they made was blowing my mind. I loved it too, because it made sex amazing for me. But I didn’t realize until recently how much of my sexual psyche was wrapped up in the things my coochie did. I used my wetness as a barometer to measure my level of interest in someone. I used my wetness as a tease to turn the dude on before we hooked up. I used my wetness to judge how good a sexual experience was.

I’m pretty uninhibited, and I care about my partner’s pleasure, and I’m down for pretty much anything that doesn’t involve pain or degradation, so I never really gave much thought to it when people I slept with said I was amazing in bed. I always thought my attributes: the flexibility, the freakiness, the fun-ness, the focus, were the major part of why I was a hit between the sheets. Until I lost my wetness I didn’t realize how much it factored into my partner’s opinion of the sex, and my opinion of myself.

Lots of women suffer from vaginal dryness. There are many reasons for this, from anxiety, to medication side effects, to hormonal changes, to irritants in the fabric of your underwear, or the laundry detergent you use on your delicates. Two-thirds of women over sixty struggle with the condition. Vaginal dryness makes sex painful because the lubrication is limited, and so things don’t slide in and out without abrasion. Insufficient arousal is one of the biggest causes of vaginal dryness because most men don’t realize that for women, as my friend likes to say, “foreplay is the main play.”

In my case, I think what was happening was that I didn’t enjoy sex with this person— a former boo turned fuck buddy— as much as I used to. He was the previously-mentioned chronic masturbator who had lost sensation in his junk and compensated for it by grinding into me like a pestle pounding fufu. Sex used to be amazing with him and this new situation left me sad and frustrated. I started anticipating the pain before we even started, so my coochie wasn’t as eager for the D as it used to be. I’m also in my thirties, and, though this is supposed to be a woman’s sexual prime, there’s definitely a chance that I’m going through some hormonal changes.

But surprisingly, instead of thinking about all these very logical things, every time my body didn’t make it rain I felt a faint sense of shame. Every time we had sex, in addition to nursing my sore coochie, I wondered if the sex wasn’t up to snuff for him. If his memories of me as this sexual goddess were being tainted. If he would no longer remember me as the all-star-rock-my-world-put-it-on-you-and-pick-it-back-up chick who he would compare every woman after to. I felt as if I was letting him and myself down.

Now, you might be thinking “Girlfriend, have you ever heard of lube?” And I had. I actually had some, the best kind: “Pjur Concentrated Silicone Lubricant” — a physical manifestation of Danish ingenuity that I would take off my earrings and beat a trick down for if she dared to challenge its ability to bring about world peace. But I always bought it to give hand jobs with (it elevates your hand job game to a truly distinguished level). I never put it inside my coochie! My coochie didn’t need lube! My coochie was naturally perfect!

But one day we were having sex, and halfway through I dried up and every thrust felt like sandpaper. I paused the action to get the lube, and as I was squirting it up there I felt like crying. For the rest of our hook-up period I had to use the lube almost every time. And though it made the sex more bearable I convinced myself it was a poor replica of the juice my body made naturally.

Somehow, in my mind, though I thought I was way too progressive for that kind of thinking, I had internalized the message that insufficient arousal was somehow uncool. Society always finds a way to make women feel like shit. And though it’s not always spoken about, I think there is an implicit belief that insufficient arousal (particularly if there has been some foreplay) is the woman’s fault. If you’re not wet enough for the sex to be comfortable some guys don’t realize it’s because they are falling short of the mark. They attribute it to you not being sexually liberated enough.

Intellectually, I was in firm support of lube. I understood it made things better. I even understood that everyone has a different level of natural lubrication, so not everyone who uses lube suffers from vaginal dryness (some people could be at peak wetness and still use lube as the sprinkles on top of the sundae). I believed lube was a wonderful thing. I knew I would vote for lube if it ran in the 2018 mid-term elections. But somehow I had equated my vaginal lubrication to my sexual worth. And it took a lot of unpacking to realize that my idea of sexual worth itself was pure-grade, grass-fed bullshit. What does being good in bed really mean? And why is this an accolade I was so attached to receiving?

As women we’re socialized to want a gold star for everything. We’ve been taught that approval is necessary to our self-acceptance. And you know what? It’s not. If there is communication and mutual respect during the horizontal mambo, and the person makes me happy and vice versa, then that should be enough. And every tool, ANY TOOL, we have to use to achieve maximum satisfaction for both parties is a blessing from Comisnusina: the god of orgasms; not something to be salty about or ashamed of.

There is a plethora of fixes for vaginal dryness, regardless of the cause. There are lubricants which run the gamut from water-based, to silicone-based, to more natural options like coconut oil. There are over-the-counter vaginal moisturizers which help introduce water back into the tissues of the vagina. There are estrogen replacement medications (particularly for women going through menopause). There are vaginal estrogen inserts, which can be a ring, a pellet or a cream. There are estrogen patches, which you stick on your skin. And any of these options should be used with pride that you are taking charge of your sexual wellbeing, and not shame or inadequacy that your coochie can’t make it rain like it’s supposed to.

There are also sex toys, which can sometimes help get you revved up for the penetration part, or can enter the game if midway through it you need an extra boost. There is porn, which can provide visual stimulus that just your partner touching you doesn’t provide; there is erotic literature; there are special condoms with all kinds of bells and whistles designed to hit specific spots. All these are great options if your vaginal dryness is caused by insufficient arousal. Most importantly there is your voice, providing explicit instructions to homeboy on just what you need to reach the promised land.

There is no such thing as sexual worth. There is no empirical ranking system for being good, bad or average in bed. No such thing as being too wet, or not being wet enough. There’s just you and how your body functions, and the journey you take to your most satisfied self.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC.

 

 

 

Donna Brazile Needs A Vacation

Opinion 2 Comments

Sista’ Donna Brazile was back at it again this weekend on U.S. talk shows promoting her book Hacks and defending what she had said on talk shows last weekend. The former DNC Chair was on quite a few shows last Sunday and had her meltdown on Sunday ABC This Week.   She was calmer this weekend. She didn’t talk about being ‘Patsy the Slave,’ fending off Russian death threats and repeat a million times that she wasn’t getting paid. But, one thing is clear: This Sista’ needs a vacation.

Ladies, anytime you find yourself telling the public you’re Patsy the Slave, you’re not getting paid, you have people trying to kill you and follow it by up telling people to “Go to Hell” if they think differently, you know you need to take some time off. You need a moment – some time off to unwind and slow down.

As Sistas’, we’ve all been there. Misunderstood.  (Donna told the ABC host that she didn’t mean to say the Democratic elections for presidential candidate were “rigged” like that – like The Donald likes to say – but that the system was unfair.  But, wouldn’t you know it all through the week people were saying Donna Brazile said the elections were rigged.) We know what it’s like to be patronized like Donna Brazile has clearly been. We know and feel her pain.

We’ve had to deal with boss ladies like Hillary. They’ve cussed us out and then come back and begged us to work with them. Even though we may want them to succeed their abuse can be agonizing.

Often, we’ve been the moral compass.

Ladies, don’t hold it all in and wait until you burst like Donna.  Step off the stage. Call a time out. And, take a few days off.

Re-evaluate where you are and how the j-o-b – or relationship – is going. Is it all worth it? Catch your breath and come back and negotiate a better deal for yourself. Or leave. Writing a book can be cathartic. But, it’s what you do after the book that makes the difference.

May Donna get the Democratic Party she has worked tirelessly for and she thinks is possible and may you, Ladies, find peace, comfort and joy in your professional and personal lives in spite of the many trials you may have to endure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Drai: 12 Unexpected Causes Of Female Sexual Dysfunction

Ask an OBGYN No Comments

Hello #GYNEGirls, #Preggos, and #GENTs. It’s me Dr. Drai. Let’s talk about female sexual dysfunction today. Do you experience difficulty having sex and are you not able to satisfy your partner in bed? If you answered YES, then you may be suffering from sexual dysfunction. Ladies, sexual dysfunction is common. It affects more than 40% of women in their lifetime. Every day I see a patient in my office that has this problem. You are NOT ALONE. Female sexual dysfunction (FSD) includes problems with desire, arousal, orgasms, and sexual pain that causes significant distress in your life. Having problems with desire (aka libido) is the most common. Women with this problem don’t want to engage in any type of sexual activity, including masturbation. They also don’t want to have sexual thoughts or fantasies. Ladies with arousal problems have issues with the physical and emotional changes that occur in the body as a result of sexual stimulation. Women that have orgasmic problems don’t have orgasms during sexual activity or the intensity of orgasms have decreased. Ladies with sexual pain have pain during intercourse.

Here are 12 unexpected causes of female sexual dysfunction.

  1. Aging– A women’s libido and sexual activity decreases w/ age
  2. Birth Control– Causes decreased estrogen levels leading to vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse
  3. Stress– Stress from work, finances
  4. Relationship problems– Fighting with your partner or having No trust in your relationship
  5. Mental Illness such as depression and anxiety can lead to FSD
  6. Past negative experiences– Sexual trauma (rape)
  7. Medications– Antidepressants
  8. Medical Conditions– Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, Hyperlipidemia, Hypertension
  9. Poor Body Image– Being Obese
  10. Smoking cigarettes– slows down blood flow to sexual organs and cause arousal problems
  11. Alcohol-affects how the body responds
  12. Illegal Drugs– affects how the body responds

Since women sometimes hesitate to discuss their sexual problems with one another, many of them start believing that they are not normal and their sexual problem is shameful. Don’t believe the HYPE. Be open and honest with your doctor. If getting older has affected your love life. There a fix. If you have some concerns about your sex life. There is a fix. If you do not enjoy sex like you use to. There is a fix. Your doctor will perform a thorough history to pinpoint any problems surrounding the FSD diagnosis. She will do a physical exam and a pelvic/bimanual exam, re-create the pain by touch, and order blood test to measure hormone, cholesterol, and glucose levels. Each type of female sexual dysfunction is treated differently. Treatment is complex. Your doctor may refer you to a sex therapist, couples’ therapy, or individual therapy.

Until next time… it’s Dr. Drai.

drdrai

Dr. Draion M. Burch, DO (Dr. Drai) – a highly respected, board-certified Obstetrician and Gynecologist – is a nationally-recognized author, speaker, consultant, and go-to media expert on women’s health and transgender health issues. He travels the country to meet with women one-on-one and in groups to provide and instruct on healthcare.Dr. Drai always makes time to genuinely help those in need. He is the founder and chief medical advisor of DrDrai.com, where he discusses actionable ideas and real-world strategies to help women take control of their health. 

Calling All Saints

Religion 3 Comments

November 1 was All Saints Day. November 2 was All Souls Day. Early November is a time for remembering saints and loved ones who have passed away. Staying connected to our ancestors and honoring saints whose lives demonstrated love can strengthen our ability to have healthy relationships.

If you are remembering and honoring saints this November,  remember Saint Martin de Porres, who was the first Black saint from the Americas.  Born in Lims as the illegitimate son of a Spanish nobleman and freed Black or indigenous Panamanian woman, Martin died November 3, 1639. Martin lived in Peru where Blacks and Indians were not allowed to become full members of religious orders. He was known for caring for the sick and downtrodden, especially African slaves. Martin performed miracles, curing the sick instantaneously and feeding many through alms he collected. It was said that when Martin prayed, light would flood the room. Click here for more about his life.

 

Remember Saint Josephine Bakhita. She was the first African woman saint. Born in the mid 1800’s in Sudan, Josephine was kidnapped and taken into slavery by Arab traders.  She was bought and sold several times over a period of twelve years before was placed in a convent in Venice, Italy. Click here for more about her life and love for all.

Venerable Henriette Delille may become the first Black American female saint. A French-speaking creole born in 1813 in New Orleans, LA, Henrieette founded the Sisters of the Holy Family. The religious group was created to care for the sick and educate the ignorant, focusing on educating slaves, which was illegal at the time. Like her mother and other relatives, Henriette lived in “placage” or in concubinage with a White man. Interracial marriage was illegal at the time.

November is Black Catholic History Month.  Click here for more on leaders of African descent and here for the Black Catholic History Calendar in the Washington, DC area. For Black saints you’ve never heard of, check out Madame Noire’s post.

 Click here for more All Saints Day posts from SuzyKnew!

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: How Do We Respond To Domestic Violence?

Ask Janice 3 Comments

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this year, the issue of domestic and intimate partner violence hit particularly close to home.  My friend’s daughter’s allegedly abusive boyfriend shot her in the head several months ago.  I say allegedly, as the court case is still pending.  That he shot her isn’t in dispute, though.  He’s admitted to that.  Thankfully, she survived.  But her recovery, though miraculous, is long and arduous.

But this column isn’t about my friend’s daughter, or any one of the many cases I learned about this year.  Rather, it’s more about we respond to these stories.

Here’s what I mean: at the beginning of the month, I shared a story on my Facebook page about a mother of three young children who’d recently been murdered by her husband.  One of my FB friends, a man whom I deeply respect and admire, commented “This is horrible!  Where are the brothers on this?  We men really have to teach our girls what to do when a man puts his hands on them!”

His heart was, and is, in the right place.  In fact, he’s one of the few of my many male Facebook friends who publicly speaks out against domestic violence.  But I think his response to the story I shared, though a common one, was a little off, which I gently (I hope) told him in my reply.  I said, “How about the brothers teach boys and men how not to be abusers?”

You see, he’s not alone in his assumption that the onus is on girls and women to prevent abuse.  Just like the outdated thinking that a woman can prevent being raped based on her choice of clothing, this mindset completely absolves the abuser of any responsibility.  As the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) says on their website, “it is solely the choice of the abuser to abuse.”

You’d think that in 2017, we’d be past counselling an abused woman to modify her behavior so that her husband or partner won’t hit her.  Sadly, we’re not.  Too often, the person being abused is blamed for their torment, especially when it’s physical.

As the NCADV further states, “unfair blame is frequently put upon the victim of abuse because of assumptions that victims choose to stay in abusive relationships.  The truth is, bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave; it is a matter of the victim being able to safely escape their abuser, the abuser choosing to stop the abuse, or others (e.g., law enforcement, courts, etc.) holding the abuser accountable for the abuse they inflict.”

That’s not to say that the person being abused doesn’t have a responsibility for their own health, safety and well-being.  But it’s not their fault they get beaten or otherwise abused.  The fault and blame lie squarely on the shoulders of the person inflicting the abuse.  Period.

Besides, it isn’t always a matter of “just leaving” an abusive situation.  There may be financial barriers, child custody issues, and other legal impediments, as well as a general lack of resources and somewhere to go that may prevent someone from leaving.

And there is the fact that the most dangerous time for a person being abused is from the moment their abuser even suspects they’re planning to leave up to one full year after they do leave.  This is when most domestic violence homicides occur because abuse often continues even after the survivor escapes.  Abusers will continue to stalk, threaten, harass, and try to control the survivors, even when the law says they should leave them alone.

Consider these statistics: one-fifth of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within 2 days of obtaining the order; one-third are murdered within the first month.

Further, 20% of intimate partner homicide victims weren’t even the ones being abused!  They were other family members, friends, neighbors, law enforcement responders, or even innocent by-standers! (NCADV)

So “just leaving” an abusive relationship can prove deadly, not just for the person being abused, but anyone who tries to help.  That’s why escaping domestic violence requires careful planning and should involve the experts.

And escape is a must.  Domestic violence kills, and grows deadlier every year, largely due to the proliferation of guns.  When a gun is present in an intimate partner violence situation, the risk of homicide increases by 500%!  And while men can be abused, statistically, more women tend to die.  For example, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims tend to be girls and women.  In the United States alone, there have already been 484 gun-related, domestic violence fatalities as of October 10, 2017.  (NCADV)

Guns aren’t the only problem, though.  Only 34% of people injured by an intimate partner get the medical attention they need for their injuries.  I suspect this is a conservative estimate (from NCADV), though.  It’s almost impossible to measure who doesn’t seek medical treatment for abuse.  Also, untreated injuries can, over time, can lead to life-threatening medical problems; not to mention how the psychological effects of repeated trauma can (and often does) shorten a sufferer’s life.

Still.  Despite these statistics, which are available to anyone with access to an internet connection, the knee-jerk response seems to be how we need to teach our daughters, nieces, sisters, etc., how not to be abused.  Just like we (and by “we”, I mean all of us) police the behavior and fashion choices of girls and women to prevent them from being raped or sexually assaulted, we place the onus of being safe on those statistically more likely to be harmed rather than on those statistically more like to do the harm: men.

Why is this?  I recently saw a social media post which raises this issue.  I can’t remember the exact wording of the post, but it basically pointed out that we know all the statistics about how many women are abused (see all my above stats), harassed, assaulted and raped, but hardly any of the statistics about how many men commit these crimes.

I can cite many of the stats I’ve listed above in my sleep.  What I can’t do is tell you what percentage of men commit rape.  I’m not familiar with how many men sexually harass women in the workplace.  I don’t know how many young men, 18-24 years old, have engaged in intimate partner violence; but I do know that young women, 18-24 years old, are the group most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

So I’m just as guilty of not holding men accountable for these crimes as anyone else.  And that’s a huge problem.  I believe that we absolutely must focus on helping, healing and saving the millions of girls and women who get abused.  Of course we must also focus on helping, healing and saving the many boys and men who get abused, too.  But we also have to do better about holding the (mostly) men responsible for committing these crimes accountable.  We need to focus more of our energy on teaching boys and men how not to be abusers in the first place, despite their backgrounds, upbringing and everything they’ve been taught about manhood and masculinity.

I, for one, am totally over reminding men that they have mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, etc. to get them to actually care about issues like domestic and intimate partner violence.  Honestly, that it takes a man having a daughter to realize that girls and women are actually human beings deserving of respect makes my stomach hurt.  And it makes me realize that we (again, everyone is culpable here, including me) do a horrible job of raising men if they don’t recognize a woman’s humanity until they have a daughter of their own.

We have to do better.

In the meantime, we need to be intentional in our efforts to involve men in the fight against domestic and intimate violence.  Keep talking to the boys and men in your life about this issue.  Don’t limit your cautionary tales to girls; include the boys, too.  Teach them how to treat girls and women with respect and basic decency.  Free yourself from the mindset that it’s only on girls and women to control how men treat them, and teach boys and men to control themselves.

One of my Facebook friends, a man, suggested that just like we have a sex crimes registry, we should also have a public registry for anyone convicted of domestic abuse.  I “loved” his post, of course, because I wholeheartedly agree.  That’s a good place to start, anyway.

What do you think?  How can we do a better job of raising boys into men who don’t abuse?  What can the men you know do?  Leave a comment below, please.  We’ve got to get to work quickly!

Photo Credits: Essence.com, SwagHer.com

Lupita Says “Me Too”

Opinion 1 Comment

Just a few days ago, Lupita Nyong’o joined a growing number of women who have stepped up and accused Harvey Weinstein, the famous film producer and executive,  of sexual assault.  Lupita, one of the few dark-skinned Black women who enjoys a successful career in Hollywood, wrote her detailed and intimate confession in a October 19 New York Times Op-Ed.

Over 50 women have accused Weinstein of sexual misconduct. Lupita appears to be the first Black woman to do so. Did Harvey make a grab for chocolate only once or are there other Black women suffering silently?

Since the accusations against Harvey began, other women are coming out telling their stories of sexual assault via social media under #MeToo. Suzyknew! has mixed feelings about the #MeToo movement but we support honesty and transparency and we support women in telling their stories.

We’re supporting Lupita and we’re also support Frederica Wilson. Stay tuned for more on the latter in SuzyKnew!’s  next piece.

More from SuzyKnew! on Lupita: “I Was Just About To Lighten My Skin When You Came And Saved My Life” Lupita’s Letter

 

Photo courtesy of MSN.com

Reactions People Have When You Tell Them You Use The Fertility Awareness Method – By Holly Grigg-Spall

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When you discover the Fertility Awareness Method it can feel like a revelation – you want to tell everyone about how you’re only fertile a few days per cycle and how ovulation and menstruation are connected and how your hormones work! Once you realize what you weren’t told in sex ed class, you want to tell everyone else the news too. Because it’s shocking and baffling that you weren’t told all about your cycle and wondered ‘when do girls ovulate’? No one bothered to bring it up, and you just know your family, friends, work colleagues and Twitter feed are gonna want to know this too, and they’re gonna be just as angry-happy as you (angry they weren’t told, happy they now know)!

But, some people don’t react like you expect to this information, to hearing all about the Fertility Awareness Method. In fact some people seem to just want to rain on your parade. Others get angry, but in the wrong way, because they think what you’re telling them is nonsense or nuts. Some people get super defensive, clam up, and want to change the topic pretty quickly – although not before making some dismissive remarks. It can be hard to handle and make you feel isolated.

So, what are the most common reactions you get when you tell people you use the Fertility Awareness Method (and how might you respond)?

Reaction: I know a joke about that – what do you call people who use the Rhythm Method? Parents! Ha.

Response: First of all, it’s not the Rhythm Method, which is just about counting days from your period and making a whole lot of assumptions about your body and cycle. Secondly, it’s actually very effective when used properly whether you’re manually charting or if you’re using technological support devices like a fertility monitor. It’s as effective as the Pill, even. If someone were to become a parent using FAM it would be because they planned it that way, not because the Fertility Awareness Method itself does not work. It can be used to plan a pregnancy, if you choose, but the inverse of that is that in can be used to avoid pregnancy too.

Reaction: What’s wrong with the birth control pill? I’ve been using it for years.

Response: Personally I experienced a lot of side effects from the Pill. It made me anxious/depressed/tired/gain weight/lose too much weight/feel detached/hate sex/have a blood clot/get sick all the time (delete as appropriate). I wasn’t comfortable with continuing to put synthetic hormones in my body to block my own cycle. It might be the right choice for you, but you should do your research first because it’s possible your IBS/UTI/chronic fatigue/depression/anxiety/poor immunity/acne/allergy (delete as appropriate) is a side effect of the Pill you’re currently taking. I feel way better now I’m not taking it anymore.

Reaction: So, I’m guessing you don’t mind if you get pregnant and you’re just gonna see what happens?

Response: (Assuming you don’t want to get pregnant using the Fertility Awareness Method) Actually I really don’t want to get pregnant. It’s not the right time in my life for that to happen whatsoever. However I understand now that I can not get pregnant and not have to put up with side effects from my birth control method. I can do both! I have chosen an effective hormone-free method of preventing pregnancy. Although preventing unwanted pregnancy is very important to me, my reproductive and overall physical and mental health is also important to me. I also don’t think it ought to be my responsibility alone to stop myself getting pregnant. It’s my partner’s responsibility too.

Reaction: Ewwww. TMI.

Response: I’m sorry you feel that way. I kind of think we ought to be more open about what’s going on with our bodies.

In fact, it was other women’s stories that got me to choose to come off the Pill and helped me find the Fertility Awareness Method. I think if we’re going to break the menstrual taboo we have to talk more about our cycles, ovulation, menstruation, the lot. It’s important. Not only because so many women have health problems that go untreated because we won’t talk about this, it’s also that it’s not shameful or wrong. Men get to talk about their bodies all the time! I also reckon you, like me, have questions about stuff that you wish you could ask someone, and I want you to know you can ask me.

Reaction: I have really bad cramps/irregular periods/heavy bleeding/horrible PMS (delete as appropriate) so I just can’t come off the Pill. I hate my birth control, but I hate my cycle more.

Response: I’m so sorry you used to have to deal with that and that you have side effects now. The thing is, though, the Pill is not actually treating your period and cycle issues. It’s just putting a band aid over them. It’s not getting down to the root cause of why that’s happening. That means when you do come off the Pill, the problems could come back and maybe even be worse because of the impact of the synthetic hormones. You could really benefit from coming off, seeing how your cycle is, and then seeking treatment that fixes the problem completely. That way you’ll also know you’re set up if you want to have children in the future. I had some issues with my period too, but I’m getting them sorted with changes to my diet and supplements.

Reaction: Oh yeah. I know about this. I use my free period tracker app to do the same thing!

Response: It’s great that you have started getting interested in your cycle! But most free period tracker apps are so not reliable or accurate. Many of them are like a digitized version of the Rhythm Method, where they assume you have a 28 day-ish cycle and that you will ovulate on the 14th day-ish, like women are robots or something. This means they can make you freak about a “late” period that isn’t late at all and wrongly suggest you are fertile at a particular time or not fertile at a particular time. I find that scary and worrying. Personally, I have learned all about the signs you must track to practice the Fertility Awareness Method, which includes tracking my basal body temperature every day. I use Daysy to do this, which is a certified medical device that learns your unique fertility cycle.

For advice on how to talk to your partner about the Fertility Awareness Method go here.

Holly Grigg-Spall is a fertility awareness and body literacy advocate and educator, a Daysy enthusiast, and excited to help more women come off the birth control pill and find a natural, effective alternative. holly.grigg-spall@valley-electronics.com

Dr. Drai: 10 Myths About The Female Orgasm

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Hi #GYNEGirls! It’s me Dr. Drai. Let’s chat about the BIG “O”. Ladies, an ORGASM is the peak of sexual pleasure. You will have uncontrolled muscle contractions in your vagina and anus, as well as the uterus due to the release of oxytocin. Then your body releases dopamine which makes you feel like happy. Your heart rate increases, you breathe heavier, your blood pressure increases, and your entire body is flushed due to norepinephrine. Then serotonin is released which makes you sleepy. Now you know why your man falls right to sleep after he ejaculates. The body is SO amazing, right? Let’s review some myths about orgasms because Dr. Drai wants you to have the best orgasm of your life.

1. True or False. A bad relationship is a big orgasm killer. TRUE. If you are fighting with your mate, your vagina will be dryer than a desert. Remember orgasms in a woman are what I call cerebral. Your mate has to have your mind in order for you to let them have your body. Go to couples’ therapy. You also need to stop smoking and drinking alcohol. Some medications like anti-depressants can dampen your ability to “O”. If you are STRESSED out, you will not have an orgasm.

2. True or False. Masturbation is Mandatory when having orgasms. FALSE. Masturbation does allow you to learn what you like so you can teach your partner how to please you. Plus its 100% SAFE- no babies, no STDs. Have you heard of mutual masturbation? YASSS play TOGETHER. Foreplay should not be forgotten. Play with the nipples or the back of the neck. KISS more. Remember foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom i.e. weekly date nights. Play with yourself while reading erotic books OR just watching porn. Masturbation isn’t mandatory but it can help you reach an orgasm quicker.

3. True or False. Ben-wa balls Tighten the vagina, which makes you have better orgasms. TRUE. Since the balls are weighted, you have to use your muscles in the vagina to hold them in. Buy the ones with the string attached to them. This way you can increase resistance by tugging on them. Your pelvic floor muscles will be strengthened i.e. your orgasm will be stronger.

4. True or False. Sex toys make having orgasms easily. TRUE. Just make sure that they are smaller than your man’s penis. There’s only one Mandingo in your bedroom and it’s your husband. Only purchase sex toys- dildos, vibrators, anal beads-that are made with 100% silicone. This material doesn’t have pores in it so bacteria can’t hide out and silicone won’t cause cancer. Just like masturbation, playing with sex toys will help you learn your makes your body climax quicker.

5. True or False. Tickling your A-spot will cause you to orgasm. TRUE. The A-spot (Anterior Fornix) is an erogenous zone that’s located in the vagina just above your cervix. He (or she) can get to this spot in the missionary position. It takes deep penetration to hit THIS. That’s why your vagina gets wet with that DEEP THRUSTING.

6. True or False. Stimulating the PS-spot is necessary to orgasm when having anal play. TRUE. When having anal sex, relax AND use lube (and condoms of course). There’s a PS (perineal sponge) spot in the rectum. It’s an erogenous zone that’s located where the male prostate would be. Google it! Hit this spot to reach ecstasy. When having vaginal sex, your BAE is hitting that spot in doggie style. That’s why you love it.

7. True or False. Your G-Spot is not real, so finding it can’t help you reach a climax. FALSE. The G-Spot feels like a walnut AND is located just inside of the vagina 2 cm from the opening at the top. Feel it with your finger. Practice makes perfect.

8. True or False. I like teaching about the spots to hit during sex. Your U-Spot is stimulated to help you squirt during the BIG “O”. TRUE. The U-Spot is located just inside of the vagina at the top- right below the urethra. Tickling this spot may make you “squirt.” The Skene’s Glands (aka Female Prostate) is located beside the urethra on both sides. This gland releases ejaculate after your orgasm. Only 10% of you #GYNEGirls will squirt! Don’t stress over this. As long as you are reaching the BIG “O”, you are fine hunni.

9. True or False. Stimulating the clitoris & mind are the easiest way you can orgasm. TRUE. Don’t skip the CLIT! The clitoris and penis are made of out the same tissue. #GENTS-If you give the Clit some ORAL lovin’, it will expand just like your penis. Watch it grow! The Clit is way more sensitive- it has 8,000 nerves while your penis only has 4,000 nerves. #GENTs- NOW you know why that’s her spot. DO NOT skip the clit! PLEASE! Foreplay starts in the head.

10. True or False. Eating aphrodisiac foods is helpful when you want to get in the mood. TRUE. There are nitrates in leafy greens & beets, flavonoids in dark chocolate, protein in pistachios, & antioxidants in watermelon. Chile Beyonce KNEW the secret. There are lycopene in tomatoes & grapefruit AND Zinc in Oysters. Even avocados can make you climax!

Do these myths sound familiar? I know right. Here’s my BIG takeaway- just relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride. It’s time for you to have the best orgasm of your life.

Until next time… it’s Dr. Drai.

Trump Rolls Back Birth Control Mandate On Anniversary Of Pussy-Grabbing Video

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Ladies, nobody can outclass The Donald in shamelessness. Nobody. One the eve of the first anniversary of the Access Hollywood tapes revealing Trump’s pussy-grabbing prowess, The Donald rolls back the mandate requiring employers to provide birth control coverage. In the tapes, Trump claimed, “You can do anything to women if you’re famous.”  And, Trump is doing just that: proving that when you’re famous – you can do anything to women.

UltraViolet, a woman’s advocacy group, projected the Access Hollywood video on loop all day October 6 on a giant screen nearby the White  House in honor of the anniversary.  Women’s groups have been preparing for months to confront Trump’s attacks against birth control, women’s reproductive health and other issues affecting women. The ACLU filed a lawsuit immediately; other law suits are being filed as well. Ladies, when The Donald was a candidate he told us we would jack up our lives and he is fulfilling his promise.

Unlike other controversial parts of Obamacare, the mandate requiring insurance companies to provide family planning without out of pocket costs, i.e., free, is handled at the federal level by the Department of Health and Human Services. This means unilateral action by the Department to drop coverage is possible. The National Women’s Law Center estimates over 55 million benefit from the mandate to cover birth control.

 

Who will suffer the most from this rollback if it’s not stopped? We women of color that’s who. We are represented disproportionately in states that have not taken preemptive actions to expand access to contraceptives when 45 became president.  Twenty states currently allow certain employers and insurers not to comply with the mandate.  What will happen to women in states like Louisiana, Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, etc?

Read related articles: Will Trumpcare Jack Up Your Reproductive Health?  

What can you do? Call your insurance company and tell them not take away your free birth control coverage.  Call your representatives. Sign one of the many petitions out there. Here is the one by UltraViolet: https://act.weareultraviolet.org/sign/insurers_birth_control/. Talk to your friends about this. Don’t stay silent.