Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised – World Contraception Day 2017

Contraceptives Opinion Reproductive Health No Comments

The revolution will not be televised. And neither was World Contraception Day 2017.

September 26, 2017 was World Contraception Day. But, if you blinked, you missed it. None of the major international news networks carried information about the event. CNN was silent. So was BBC.  Zip on MSNBC. Even progressive and very international Al Jazeera had nothing to say. Very little was said on YouTube, as well. (But, ladies. Note: the French came out to mark the day on Europe 1.) Is this the Trump Effect? Or something else?

Overall, World Contraception Day 2017 was the creation of international organizations and donors for developing countries. Bayer, perhaps the company with the largest number of contraceptive products and brands worldwide, underwrote the World Contraception Day 2017 Your Life campaign along with international family planning not-for-profits and the U.S. government (USAID).  The campaign has a lot good info on birth control options but the content has a contrived, inauthentic feel.

There is more in African news on the event – but not lots. Ghana Business,  Nigeria’s Guardian and others marked the day highlighting the challenges of increasing interest and access to contraception. Kenya had a few programs and interviews that be can seen on YouTube.   Take a look at this cute snappy video uploaded by the Kenyan Muslim Youth Development Organization (KMYDO). But few of these efforts look like they were developed and produced by a lovely lady of color.

South Africa’s Morning Live interview with a local Bayer representative (see below) is another example of one of the few videos out there for World Contraceptive Day 2017.  But, Bayer’s survey in South Africa found that 83% of South Africans now get their information on birth control and contraception from the internet.

Really?

Ladies, the revolution will not be televised. This paltry display of  World Conception Day support does not reveal what is really happening in our world. Ultimately, we define our sexual and reproductive health whether we have numerous or limited choices. Even though most of the content produced for World Contraception Day 2017 isn’t by us. It’s about us. Don’t be fooled.

SuzyKnew!

Keep it sexy; keep it healthy! 

 

Photo courtesy of AAIHS.

 

5 Surprising Common Causes Of Vaginal Pain – Dr. Drai

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Hi, #GYNEGirls! It’s me Dr. Drai…. How many of you have ever had pain in your vagina? Ladies, vaginal pain is real! I see at least one patient daily that complains of pain in her lady parts. But before we dive into some common causes of vaginal pain, let’s review some female anatomy. We all use the word “vagina” to refer to the whole package down there, but the vagina is actually the canal between your vulva and the cervix.

On the other hand, the vulva includes many different parts: the opening of the vagina, the inner and outer labia (lips), the clitoris (this one needs no intro), urethra (the hole you urinate out of), and the perineum (the space between the bottom of the vaginal opening and the anus). Here are 5 surprising common causes of vaginal pain.

  1. Vaginitis: Vaginitis is inflammation of the vagina that is caused by yeast or bacteria. With vaginitis, ladies typically present with vaginal itching, discharge, and/or burning. Specific causes of vaginitis include:
    1. Yeast infection: 75% of all women have at least one yeast infection in their lifetime. Typically, when you have a yeast infection, your vaginal discharge looks like cottage cheese. If yeast is suspected, your doctor will obtain a sample of the discharge and look at it under a microscope for diagnosis.
      Antifungal vaginal creams or a pill can take care of vaginitis caused by yeast. If you are prone to yeast infections, you should take some steps to prevent their reoccurrence: avoid wearing tight fitting pants, when wet from showering make sure you dry off completely, wear cotton undies, and limit sugar in your diet.
    2. Gonorrhea: It is estimated that 820,000 cases of gonorrhea occur yearly. With gonorrhea, you will have a greenish vaginal discharge. Your doctor will obtain genital cultures from the vagina or obtain a urine sample to diagnose this STI.
      To treat gonorrhea, we need use two antibiotic medications at the same time. Your partner also needs to be treated to prevent reinfection. You should know that there are some cases of drug-resistant gonorrhea. Always wear condoms when having any type of sex to protect yourself!
    3. Chlamydia: Chlamydia is the most commonly reported STI, with over 1.4 million infections noted annually. Ladies may not have any vaginal discharge with this infection. Your doctor will obtain genital cultures from the cervix or obtain a urine sample to diagnose this. Just like with gonorrhea, you need to take antibiotics to treat this. Your partner also needs to be treated. Untreated chlamydia can affect your other pelvic parts and can cause you to be infertile. Once again, make sure you use condoms!
    4. Trichomoniasis: This is an STI characterized by a fishy, smelly gray looking discharge. It is estimated that 2.3 million women have beeninfected with the disease. As is the case with the other two STIs listed here, if you are diagnosed with trichomoniasis by your doctor, you need to take an antibiotic. Your partner also needs to be treated. Condoms, condoms, condoms!
    5. Bacterial vaginosis: Bacterial vaginosis is the most common vaginal infection in women ages 15-44. It’s caused by an imbalance in vaginal flora (bacteria). When you douche, take tub baths in bleach-cleansed tubs, use feminine washes or wipes, use scented tampons or pads, or shave your vulva with creams, you at putting yourself at risk of getting this. With bacterial vaginosis, bad bacteria in your vagina outnumber the good bacteria, leaving a fishy smell.
      You need to take antibiotics for this and stop using feminine hygiene products. By the way, side note: baldness is bad down there! Pubes keep bad bacteria out of the vagina. It also prevents friction when you are “knockin” boots.”

2. Vaginal Dryness: Vaginal dryness means just what it says: a dry vagina. This isn’t just for the postmenopausal women, ladies. Young women can have this if they are on birth control pills, they are breastfeeding, taking antidepressants, taking antihistamines, taking some asthma medications, are anxious, allergic to the chemicals in feminine hygiene products (which you shouldn’t be using anyway) or fighting with their partner.

You can also have vaginal dryness due to an infection in the Bartholin’s glands. These glands are located in the 4 and 6 o’clock positions just inside the vagina. They release lubrication during sex — so obviously, this is a much-needed gland. Sometimes they can get clogged and get infected leading to them being cut open and packed or completely cut out. No natural lubricant = dry vagina. Your doctor can diagnose this one by reviewing your history. Treatment depends on the cause. Lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can help.

3. Postmenopausal Vaginal Atrophy: PAV is inflammation of the vaginal walls due to a lack of estrogen that occurs in the menopausal woman. The vagina starts to thin and also becomes dry and painful. Your doctor will diagnose this by doing a pelvic exam. Treatment usually includes vaginal estrogen. Vaginal lubricants and moisturizers also help.

4. Vaginismus: This means involuntary spasms (tightening) of the vagina muscles at the opening (also known as pelvic floor tension myalgia). Sex is typically painful for women with this condition. Your doctor can diagnose this when inserting the speculum into the vagina during the pelvic exam. Treatment includes pelvic floor muscle exercises, vaginal trainers (dildos), and counseling.

5. Vulvodynia: This is chronic vulva pain that is not caused by an infection, cancer, or skin disease. Unfortunately, we don’t know the cause of this disease yet. Ladies typically complain of a burning of the vulva. Activities like wearing tight jeans can bring it on. We don’t have a test to diagnose this. We exclude other causes of vulvar pain first before making this diagnosis of exclusion. Initial treatment includes anti-seizure medications, topical anesthetics, and antidepressants.

As a note, vulvar vestibulitis is a type of vulvodynia that is associated with pain that occurs at the entry of the vagina. This can also cause sex to be painful. Activities such as inserting a tampon can bring on the pain. Doctors use a cotton-swab test to detect pain on parts of the vulva to diagnose this condition.

Vaginal pain is serious ladies! Don’t wait to make an appointment to see your doctor. Also, by the way — stop self-diagnosing AND stop self-treating! While you might think you are saving yourself a trip to the doctor, you can end up doing more harm than good. Keep your vagina happy and healthy. For a copy of my latest book “20 Things You May Not Know About The Penis” go to https://drdrai.com/product/book.

Until next time… it’s Dr. Drai.

Dr. Drai – Dr. Draion M. Burch, DO (Dr. Drai) – a highly respected, board-certified Obstetrician and Gynecologist – is a nationally-recognized author, speaker, consultant, and go-to media expert on women’s health and transgender health issues. He travels the country to meet with women one-on-one and in groups to provide and instruct on healthcare. Although Dr. Drai may be requested to spread his medical expertise to all four corners of the U.S., he always makes time to genuinely help those in need. Dr. Drai is the founder and chief medical advisor of DrDrai.com, where he discusses actionable ideas and real-world strategies to help women take control of their health. 

When Will He Take Our Relationship Seriously? ASK JANICE

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Dear ASK JANICE:

I’ve been dating a guy for about 7 years now, and he is not taking me seriously.  If any of his friends want to get married, he tells them I’m available.  What should I do?

Signed,

Not Taken Seriously

***

Dear Not Taken Seriously:

Seven years?  Sister, I think you already know what you should do:  LEAVE HIM.

You deserve so much better than this.  You’ve given this man seven years of your life, and if he hasn’t taken you seriously by now, he never will.  Don’t waste another minute of your precious time with this fool.

RECLAIM YOUR TIME!

Listen.  You’re not alone, here.  Most of us women have been right where you are, wasting our time on a man who will never love us the way we deserve to be loved.  In fact, I know a woman who waited DECADES for a proposal that never came!

It makes you wonder why these men do this to us, doesn’t it?  Why do they keep stringing us along, taking for granted that we’ll always be there when they call?

The answer is simple, Ladies: because we let them.

Some of us are so scared of being alone that we’ll settle for situations where we’re nothing more than an afterthought.  Instead of waiting for the kind of relationship that we really want, we’ll settle for these men who do nothing but take: take our time, our love, our bodies, our money, and our souls.  And nine times outta ten, these dudes will turn around and marry someone else (younger, skinnier, prettier) in a heartbeat.

STOP letting this man walk all over your heart.  STOP letting this man take up space in your life when he doesn’t even deserve the time of day from you.  STOP letting fear of loneliness keep you in a situation that isn’t good for you.

STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!

The change begins with YOU, Sister.  You’ve got to demand more from the men you date.  Forget this loser.  He’s a lost cause.  As long as he knows he can treat you like crap and get away with it, he’ll never change.

You’re the one who has to change.  You have to start loving and respecting yourself enough to know that you deserve a loving, committed, and respectful relationship.  Otherwise, you’ll end up right back where you are now even if you get rid of this joker (and I pray you do).

Remember, what you allow will continue.  No man is ever going to love you the way you want and deserve until you love yourself enough to stop putting up with bullshit like this.  You’re the one who shows others how they should treat you.

I know leaving this man won’t be easy.  After all this time, you’ve invested a lot of your heart into him.  But he isn’t the one for you.

Let me say that again.  He isn’t the one for you.

The right man will love you the way you deserve and won’t have you begging for scraps like a dog at the table.  The right man will respect you enough to give you the kind of relationship you want.

The right man is out there, Sis.  But he’ll never find you if you don’t love yourself enough to move your current guy out of his way.

I hope you allow the happiness you deserve to find you soon.

Good luck.

Photo Credit: Enigma in Black – WordPress

*Original edited for clarity

Me? I Want To Be Your Lover – SIMI’s ‘Joromi’

Love and Sex No Comments

Ladies – Sometimes you have to “shoot your shot to him” and tell a man you want to be his lover.

Nigeria’s SIMI has a provocative new song trending in Africa these days called “Joromi.” Simisola Bolatito Ogunleye  who goes by SIMI started out singing in a church gospel choir and has been singing professionally for around 6 years.  Confident and empowered, this female Afro-pop singer is a rising star. In 2015, SIMI won the “Most Promising Act to Watch” category at the 2015 Nigeria Entertainment Awards.

The lyrics to “Joromi” are refreshing and encouraging. If you want him to be your lover, you have to give him the green light. And make your move.

 

What does SIMI really think about relationships and marriage? She’s as confident and pro-woman in her discussion as the lyrics of her songs. Watch SIMI’s interview on Wazobia here

 

The Main Thing To Look For In A Good Gynecologist

Ask an OBGYN Contraceptives Reproductive Health No Comments
On paper, a gynecologist is simply a doctor that specializes in diseases of the female reproductive tract. Many are also dual obstetricians who are responsible for overseeing a woman’s and the baby’s health during pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period.In practice, however, these specialists deal with a whole range of sensitive issues from birth control, sexual health and dysfunction as well as family planning and menopause. It is because of this that most women form a long and lasting bond with their OB-GYN. Finding a good gynecologist that fits into your lifestyle can begin a relationship that can span decades and large portions of your life.

The search for a new gynecologist should not be taken lightly and can be a tricky,  awkward task for most women due to its intimate nature. So how do you go about finding the very best doctor for your specific needs? Here are the main things to look for.

Trust and connection

The main things to look for in a good gynecologist-2While most sources out there will start by recommending the first thing to do to find a proper gynecologist is to check their credentials, we have gone a different route. The doctor-patient relationship is a partnership and requires that both people mutually trust and respect each other. If the relationship breaks down, then it doesn’t matter how knowledgeable the doctor is. If the patient doesn’t trust their advice, then nothing can be accomplished.Getting referrals from trusted friends or family members can be an excellent way to begin your search for a gynecologist. Another great source for referrals is your primary care practitioner. He or she already has a relationship with you and knows some of what you look for in a health care provider. They can be a resource and sounding board for you to begin discussing about OB/GYN doctors with.

Now that the first hurdle is out of the way, the next step is deciding whether you have chemistry with the doctor. While it may seem odd to hear the word chemistry used in the context, it is important to remember that this person will know you inside and out. You might be getting some of your life’s best and worst news from this person, and their communication style, attitude, and overall demeanor needs to be one that gels with yours.

Experience and credentials

The main things to look for in a good gynecologist-3Finding a gynecologist can feel like an overwhelming task, especially when facing a complex and personal matter or a high-risk pregnancy. Your health and that of your baby will be in the hands of the OB/GYN, and so finding a more experienced doctor will increase the chances of positive results. The metrics by which GYN’s are measured may vary, depending on what country you are in, so it is important to begin your research with nationally certified websites and databases.

Gynecologists who belong to these prestigious lists will be able to offer you top notch care. One of the main things to consider when choosing a provider is the overall view of their qualifications, as this will tell you if the doctor has the necessary skills and training to provide you with reliable gynecological and obstetric care.

Other questions to consider when thinking about your practitioner’s credentials are areas they specialize in, the number of patients with your specific condition that they have treated, and the possibility of requesting a second opinion. If you have a specific procedure in mind, you can ask how many of those procedures they have done, as well as the success rate and risk of complications.

Another important factor when researching your gynecologist’s background and credentials is their history of disciplinary actions or malpractice claims. Most doctors who run well organized and patient-centered practices will not have these negative encounters in their history. Claims such as these should be public knowledge on your state or country’s health website, and you should discuss any discrepancies with a GYN before agreeing to be treated by them.

Gender

Deciding whether you want a male or female gynecologist is an important part of this decision. There are both male and female doctors that are equally qualified. This factor should not solely dictate your choice. However, each woman has different ideas and reservations about this choice, and it is a personal decision that all professional practitioners will respect.

The main things to look for in a good gynecologist-4One thing that you may consider is that male gynecologists are just as well trained and educated as females, and if you choose to see one of these men then your wait times may be drastically reduced. Women OB/GYN practitioners are in higher demand, and many well-qualified male practitioners are overlooked just because of their gender.

An important factor to consider before choosing the gender of your future doctor is assessing your comfort level when talking to them about sensitive topics. Discussing issues such as vaginal discharge may seem odd and highly awkward with certain practitioners. However, the job of this specialist is to make sure that you feel comfortable talking about these issues, and you should also consider that they deal with these problems daily. The relationship you build with your GYN will grow to encompass these taboo topics, and much more, as time goes forward. Before this mutual respect and trust can even begin, you need to decide on your comfort level. If you will be in anyway uncomfortable with a male in this confidential and somewhat intimate role, and it will negatively affect your care, then go with a female physician. A good gynecologist will only be able to help you with the issues that you are comfortable bringing up.

Communication style

Communication styles and connection are crucial, especially when it comes to talking to someone about your most intimate health issues. Discussing your overall health, sex, and family planning issues with someone who is judgmental or doesn’t seem to listen is not ideal. These traits are not indicative of a true profssional. A good gynecologist will be able to make you feel comfortable discussing about anything, make you feel respected, encourage any questions that you have, and should be able to answer your questions in a way that is uncomplicated and easy to understand.

The facility location and quality

Doctors are often associated with particular hospitals/clinis and insurance carriers. It is important to consider this when you are beginning your search for the right gynecologist that fits your needs. Most practices bring this up right away when you are in the office, but you do not want to be caught off guard or disappointed that the great doctor you found is associated with a poor quality hospital or one that does not accept your coverage. This is both a waste of your and his or her time.

When you are in a new area, it is important to research the locations of the hospitals and decide on their quality early on. The location of the hospital is important because you will need to decide if it is an acceptable distance to drive for your appointments and if you can get there in an emergency situation. In order to judge the quality of the hospitals care, you can visit and be taken on a tour, do your own research on the hospital’s website, look for on-line reviews of other patients experiences, and ask your doctor for their opinion.

A good gynecologist will be honest and open about their opinion of the hospitals in the area. When you are at a top-rated hospital, you can be sure that the health care service and chances of survival are better.

This article was provided by HospitalHippo.com. If you are looking to find a gynecologist near you or looking to make a gynecology appointment, please use our search function to find the right hospital or clinic for you. You can also check out gynecologist reviews and staff information on their Provider Pages. Provider Feeds have real time posts, articles and newly published by the facility themselves.

Other related links:

https://www.healthgrades.com/explore/8-tips-for-choosing-an-obstetrician-gynecologist

http://www.webmd.com/women/guide/what-to-expect-from-an-ob-gyn-visit#1

https://www.ubykotex.com/en-us/periods/pregnancy/finding-drright-how-to-choose-a-good-gynecologist

Welcome Saschan Fearon-Josephs. Welcome to the Reproductive Health Revolution.

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Difficult Conversations: How The Womb Room is making space for honest conversation about women’s bodies.

SuzyKnew! I’m excited to join your community! Let me tell you about The Womb Room. The Womb Room was conceived in 2011 following life saving emergency surgery to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube. At 19 years of age I was entirely unprepared both emotionally and physically for the life long change which I  had experienced. At 19 I was unaware that 3 years later I would be diagnosed with stage 2 endometriosis, or that at 23 I would be told I also have uterine fibroids, uterine polyps, suspected adenomyosis and would probably be infertile by the time I reached 27. I was entirely unprepared for the issues I would come to have with my continence and my bowels before discovering my endometriosis had spread, developing to stage 4, fusing them together and causing me chronic debilitating pain. I was unprepared for the loss I would suffer;  friends, family, partners, jobs and the grief I would have to work through at the thought of never conceiving a child that I have loved before they have even existed outside of my mind or in the hostile landscape of my womb.

This is the situation almost every woman I meet or talk to has found herself in, silently questioning the symptoms she has and placing them to one side as life often gets in the way. Quietly struggling with the decisions she has made or will make and the choices placed before her following a diagnosis. It is often not until we are faced with the harsh realities of a reproductive health problem following a diagnosis that we begin to question the importance of our desire to build a family and conceive.

We are often socialised as women both socially and culturally to believe that motherhood is a natural and almost granted part of our journey through womanhood. That having a family is, if we desire it, something we will have.  It is rare that we talk about the realities, we don’t sit around kitchen tables talking to our aunts, mothers, grandmothers and other matriarchs in our lives about the fact that 1 in 7 couples struggle with infertility, or that fertility affecting diseases such as endometriosis are as prevalent as diabetes. We aren’t encouraged to seek help and we don’t talk about the fact that black women are least likely to seek support and help for serious symptoms and therefore least likely to receive the help or treatment they may require.

We need to open up space for the conversations about our bodies and our lived experiences as women. I truly believe that we have a duty to the generations of women who will navigate their way through the world trying to understand parts of themselves they have never had the space to learn about and discuss. We owe it to all of these women, all of the girls who will grow to become women to actively make steps towards removing the barriers of shame, misinformation and self awareness that are preventing us from changing the narrative on our lives. In order to ensure that our traumatic or life altering reproductive experiences aren’t duplicated from woman to woman in the way they are now. To campaign for better education, better services and better support for the hundreds of millions of women living their lives with pcos, fibroids, endo, painful periods, extremely heavy bleeding, infertility and everything in between.

The Womb Room is looking at the future of women’s health. Through events, digital service provision and product development we’re connecting women with the knowledge and resources to understand their bodies better, find their tribe and redefine what womanhood means to them. This year we’re launching a 12 month event series #REALTALK across London, Birmingham and online which will provide space for the difficulty, dirty, sweaty, messy and bloody bits of women’s health we are often discouraged from discussing in public. Through our facebook group we’ll be connecting women with experts from pelvic floor specialists to reproductive health doctors  through a series of live Q & A’s and we’re launching a free online network which connects women with brands, professionals and community. We’re supporting women to live a life they define and not their health and we’re making space for women to build community and support they need to live a fulfilled life.

Welcome to The Womb Room. Welcome to the Reproductive Health Revolution.

Saschan is a British 21-year old based in the UK. Follow Saschan, #REALTALK and the The WombRoom’s September Inauguration on : Twitter, Facebook & Instagram @thewombroom. You can email Saschan: Hello@thewombroom.co.uk

Insecure About ‘Hella Blows”? ASK A SEX THERAPIST

Love and Sex Religion No Comments

WARNING: This article contains spoilers from Season 2, Episode 6 of HBO’s Insecure.

If you’re like me, you plan your Sunday evenings around certain shows. There’s 60 Minutes, Game of Thrones, Power, Ballers, and, my favorite, Insecure. I’ve been fan of Issa Rae’s work since The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl and get excited every time there’s a cameo from “Baby Voice” talking about bleenex and blorox bleach. But this last episode sparked a lot of conversations, not just about one of my favorite character’s ability to change every word beginning with a C- or K- sound into a B.

In Season 2, Episode 6, we experienced “Hella Blows” when after performing fellatio on Daniel, Issa is shot in the eye by errant ejaculate and shows a combination of shock, disgust, and, in my opinion, gross overreaction. After the episode, I found numerous memes and tweets that mocked the situation and most responses I found criticized her reaction. What I found most troubling, however, was the dismissal of the concerns of Molly, Issa, and Kelli when they were discussing their thoughts about oral sex. Issa’s character stated earlier in the show how she felt that black women were immediately dismissed if they performed it early in a relationship. Although most think pieces have characterized this thought as being outdated and irrelevant, I think it’s a very real belief many women still hold true.

I can easily remember the stereotypes I heard of women who gave head. I was told they were promiscuous, dirty whores who had no self-respect. I didn’t receive this message from my family, but from society at large. As a black teenage girl, I clearly recollect feeling a sort of pressure to be the antithesis of certain sexual ideas about black girls and women, particularly the Jezebel archetype. And, of course, if you performed, let alone enjoyed oral sex, that would automatically make you a hoe. From a specific church community, I remember being told very certainly that oral sex was morally reprehensible because you should only use your mouth to praise God, not to defile the body. Because so many negative messages are circulated around this particular act, I felt some resonance when Molly, Issa, and Kelli were describing their reservations with performing fellatio. However, as I grew into adulthood (and as a Christian, read Song of Solomon 4:16 – 5:1), I came to my own understanding and acceptance of oral sex as being a healthy expression between and amongst consenting partners. For me, it was important and necessary that I work to undo the negative ideas that had been perpetuated, but I still understand why and how they exist.

So many people have said the dialogue felt like it was straight from a 2003 episode of Sex in the City. And I get it. It feels like we should be past these antiquated ideas, right? However, I don’t think we should dismiss them. The writers of Insecure decided to include this very real discussion because it still happens in 2017. Many women, specifically black women, are apprehensive about participating in certain sexual acts because of the fear of how they may be perceived. Just because you and your friends have a different experience shouldn’t discount the very real experience of others. The writers just gave voice to it and I’m glad they did.

Now, that shot of semen in the eye? Yeah. If Issa used one of those flavored condoms she got from the Sexplosion, she could’ve avoided that situation. Of course, there are other ways to dispose of semen if you’re not trying to swallow, but that’s for another post and another day.

I just think it’s important to acknowledge the ideas and views of others, even if they feel outdated, are very different from your own, and even if you’ve come to a greater understanding. Dismissing them is reckless and inconsiderate, especially since these are very real concerns of women. I’m just thankful the writers of Insecure decided to explore them and are responding to criticism for doing so.

 

De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com, Elle.com, WomensHealthMag.com, and Shape.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality and visit her website, SankofaSexTherapy.com.

 

 

 

Dr. Drai – Experimenting In The Bedroom: The Dangers Of Going Too Far

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Hi #GYNEGirls! It’s me Dr. Drai…. Before you suggest experimenting in the bedroom to your partner or before you start doing, it is important to know that there are consequences for going too far. Before closely examining those consequences, it is important to determine what too far actually means. Here is the problem, many individuals are unsure. You know your partner through. Will he or she be turned on with the addition of a new sex partner or sex toys or will he or she be turned off? You should know before you proceed.

As for what the consequences are to taking experimenting in the bedroom too far, your partner’s feelings may be hurt. Unfortunately, many spouses and significant others believe that experimentation is needed in the bedroom because they aren’t able to fulfill your desires enough on their own. If this wasn’t bad enough, their mind may start to wander. Do you really want to be with them anymore? Are you cheating? Will you start cheating soon?

Another consequence of taking experimentation in the bedroom too far is the view that your partner may develop about you. Do you want to add another sex partner into the mix? If you do, your significant other may start to think very poorly of you. She may think that you are sick or sex crazed. If your main goal is to improve your overall relationship, not just the intimacy in the bedroom, this is an important factor that you will want to take into consideration before suggesting something extreme.

If you take experimenting in the bedroom too far, your partner may no longer wish to have sex with you. In fact, he or she may start to avoid having any form of intimacy with you. This occurs for a number of different reasons. Typically, if your partner is turned off by what you are suggesting, they are likely to put off having sex with you, even just for a short period of time.

If avoiding sex wasn’t enough, you may find your relationship coming to an end. Unfortunately, many individuals, possibly just like you, do know how big of a deal experimentation in the bedroom can be. Remember that there is a difference between trying a new sex position and having your spouse pretend to be an old girlfriend of yours or even bringing an old girlfriend into the bedroom. If you are not careful with how you proceed, spicing up your intimacy may be the least of your problems. You may find yourself alone and in an empty bed, having to start the whole process over again.

As you can see, there are a number of consequences to expecting too much of your partner in the bedroom. Experimenting in the bedroom can help to spice up your sex life, but just be sure to use your best judgment. Do not offer up suggestions that you already know your partner will refuse, as there may be serious consequences for doing so. Make sure you get a free copy of my latest book “20 Things You May Not Know About The Vagina.” Go to www.drdrai.com/vagina to download it. Until next time… it’s Dr. Drai.

OTHER POSTS YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT…

Lillian Ogbogoh’s Podcast With Co-Founder Of The WombRoom

Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health No Comments

Sistas’!  How do we keep our “woman card,” if we can’t or don’t want to have babies?!

Guest Blogger Lillian Ogbogoh “goes there” on her new weekly podcast “Shine Out Loud” in her interview with the co-founder of The WombRoom, Saschan Fearon-Josephs.

Click the link below to hear Saschan recount her story about how complications with a contraceptive method exposed the lack of medical and mental health support women receive when confronting reproductive health crises  and how she copes with losing her fertility after reproductive health medical complications.

Saschan has a vision of ensuring women – especially young women – have the knowledge and confidence to have healthy reproductive lives at all ages.

 

Saschan Fearon-Josephs Speaking for the womb

 

 

The Crimson Conversation – By F. N.

Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health No Comments

I love sex on my period. When I say this I frequently get gasps or disgusted looks. There are a few women who admit to me on the sly that they are down for the merlot mambo as well but generally in polite company it seems like most women are fairy adamantly opposed to period sex. I didn’t know I would be into period sex. I was raised in Ghana and the stigma about all things vaginal is as alive and well there as it is everywhere else. I’ve never thought my period was disgusting but I had been taught that it was women’s business, which the rest of the world should not be subjected to. I internalized that to some degree until I grew up and started to know better.

My periods are rough. I have always bled like an inmate who had just been shanked.  I have always suffered from bad dysmenorrhea. My cramps were legendary. I remember in Class Five, shortly after I got my period, I would put my head down on my desk and sob during my menses because the pain was so bad. The other kids would ask what was wrong and I would have to tell them it was a tummy ache or a migraine because I was the only ten-year old with a period and I knew I would be taunted relentlessly if they knew that. Sometimes I had to miss school because of cramps and I would lie and say I had had malaria. Being taught this reticence concerning my period, and being in pain when I was on my period was probably the only real source of animus between me and my body. I hated the hiding, I hated the pain, I hated the blood clots, and my period lasted for about seven days so a quarter of my month, every month, was spent dealing with discomfort and engaging in subterfuge. But the one thing I never thought was that my period was dirty or I was dirty when I was having it. And once I was older and realized that protecting the fragile sensibilities of men from having to see women as anything but pristine, delicate flowers was bullshit and I needed to not participate in it I stopped pretending I didn’t have my period if I did and stopped masquerading my period pains as something else.

I am lucky enough to not be one of those women who feels bloated, nauseous, emotional or irritable during my period. Physical touch during my period doesn’t make me cringe. I realized that during my period I was more sensitive to touch. Kisses felt different, getting wet was more intense. But I still never imagined that I would enjoy period sex until I was extremely horny one day towards the end of my period. I couldn’t stop myself from masturbating with my vibrator and I knew it wouldn’t be messy because there was barely any blood. It felt amazing and more importantly it helped with the cramps. Soon, as least once during the duration of my period, I cranked out a vibe and rubbed one out. Then I would wash and sanitize my vibrator when I was done.

But I still didn’t expect to start having sex with another human being on my period. I knew a lot of men who were grossed out by any kind of blood. Patriarchal conditioning makes it such that even men who are not grossed out by blood from cuts and scrapes somehow feel like once the blood is coming from *gasp* a vagina it somehow becomes a different category of blood. So I knew how guys felt about it and even I couldn’t really imagine, with how wet I got and how much blood I envisioned would get on the guy, that it was something that was possible. But my first boyfriend and I were addicted to each other. And somehow one day we were getting frisky and I said I was on my period and he said he didn’t care and we got busy. And I loved it. From the beginning of the foreplay the pain in my lower abdomen was being offset by a different sensation. By the time my guy slid into me I was so wet the blood there had gotten all silky; the entire time we were knocking boots it was like I was high. In the beginning my boyfriend and I had sex mostly at the beginning and the end of my period when I wasn’t bleeding like I had been the victim of a drive-by shooting. But after a while we didn’t even care.

I wasn’t wearing pads anymore so when it was time for penetration I would just pull my tampon out, wrap it in tissue, put a towel on the bed and get my Vitamin D. When it was over I would put the tampon in the bathroom trash, throw the towel in the washing machine and go about my day. When my relationship with that guy ended I asked the next person I was dating how they felt about period sex and though they said it wasn’t their thing and they could just wait until my period was over, once we actually started having sex they couldn’t go seven days without the cookie and were the ones who suggested we just put a towel down and get busy.

I know period sex isn’t for everyone and some people have genuine issues with blood of any kind. I don’t recommend period sex to those people. I know women who just can’t stand any physical contact during their period. I don’t recommend period sex for those people either. I know women who like having a break from sex and enjoy the reprieve from sexytimes that their periods give them. They are not the target audience of this article. I know yet another group of women who just don’t think what they get out of period sex is high enough to make up for the trouble you have to go to to have it; the cost-benefit analysis just doesn’t work for them. This discussion is not for them either.

This is for the people who either have and enjoy period sex or haven’t ever tried it just because… reasons. The foremost reason is usually that they just find it vaguely taboo. Or they are really hesitant to suggest it to a guy for fear the guy will think they are sort of gross. While there are some infantile men who don’t hate blood but just have internalized misogyny about vaginas and any of their processes, what I have discovered in informal polls of my male family and friends is that a lot of men really don’t mind. As long as after they are done they can clean whatever blood gets on them they are fine. A couple of guys I’ve talked to actually prefer period sex to regular sex because the blood acts as a lubricant and it makes them feel as if their partners are extra wet. Their partners’ nipples are usually more sensitive at that time of the month which makes the foreplay extra rewarding.

So if you haven’t had period sex and find yourself curious about it here’s what to remember:

  1. The bleeding lessens greatly once you get aroused and start having sex so you don’t really have full-on geyser action while your partner is inside you. Any blood that you see is usually just the residual blood that was already in your vulva mixing with your vaginal arousal wetness.
  2. Period blood doesn’t smell bad. It has a faint, coppery smell — sort of like a bag of pennies. During period sex you can sometimes smell it. Don’t panic. He’s not grossed out and you shouldn’t be either.
  3. If you get a ton of blood clots you might want to take the pad off or the tampon out and wipe your junk down before you get busy. If you don’t he might get a little stuff on his junk. It’s not traumatizing but either one or both of you might find it a bit much.
  4. If you wear tampons don’t forget to wrap them in something when you take them out. Just putting them on the nightstand or tossing them on the carpet or whatever can get blood on your things, which will be annoying.
  5. Having him slowly pull the tampon out, tease you by tugging on the string and pushing it back in a little till it feels like you’re being fingered with a tampon, or having him caress your clit with the tampon still in, can be an excellent part of the foreplay.
  6. Don’t ever forget to take the tampon out before you start penetrative sex, or his thrusts can push the tampon all the way up your vaginal canal. It will be extremely unpleasant trying to get it out. You might have to make an embarrassing visit to the E.R.
  7. If for some reason you are too rushed to have a shower afterwards, taking a soapy washcloth, doing a quick scrub of your nether regions, rinsing the washcloth out and cleaning off all the soap, will get rid of all blood and all smells.
  8. If your guy is the brave kind and wants to go downtown while you’re on your period, keep the tampon in. If you usually wear pads put a tampon in or plug your vulva with some cotton or tissue.

Period sex can be really fulfilling. It can reinforce closeness between you and your partner because you’re not taking those three to seven day breaks in your sex life. It can make you more comfortable with your own body and the things it does, and make you feel more connected to your womanhood. It can destigmatize women’s bodies for men and help them get rid of all that internalized b.s. It can help with your cramps. But most importantly it can just feel really effing good. So my suggestion, dear sistahs, is to have the conversation, with yourself, and with your partner, and take a shot at riding that crimson wave.

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between living in Accra and Washington, DC