Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

How To Talk To Your Provider About FAM: The Roses Of Fertility Awareness

Contraceptives Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health 2 Comments

As a FAM-er, a public health student, and a birth-care provider (doula), I know there are about one million and one reasons it’s important to have a good relationship and open communication with your health care provider. Being open and honest means you get the best, individualized care possible, so you can live long and prosper, right?

Well, I went for my well-woman check-up a few months ago (Side note: Ladies, this is preventative care visit is free through Obamacare! Don’t miss out!), I told my provider, who was a nurse-practitioner at a birth center, that I was using the Fertility Awareness Method for my contraception. This is how that conversation went down.

Provider: I see that you’re sexually active. What do you use for contraception?

Me: Oh, I use the Fertility Awareness Method. You know, where you take your basal temperature and check out your cervical fluid and chart when you’re ovulating.

Provider: (Raises eyebrows) And how long have you been doing this?

Me: (Shifts uncomfortably) The better part of a year.

[The Provider continues the interview. But 5 minutes later….]

Provider: Does your insurance cover maternity care?

Me: Uhhh…I think so? Don’t all the new plans have to?

Provider: And while you’re here, you should tour the birth center part of our practice.

Me: (Shifts uncomfortably) Umm…I’m a doula, so I’ve attended births here before. I promise, I know my way around.

Provider: Well, you should have your partner come sometime for a tour.

Me: (Squirming to leave) You know, I don’t think that’s necessary. We’re not planning on having a baby any time soon…

Do you see how that communication broke down? See what assumptions she made about FAM and its effectiveness? After that experience, I thought I’d share some tips with y’all to make sure you avoid such an awkward encounter.

1)    Pick a provider you trust. This is probably the most important item on this list. No matter how much you try to be honest and foster good communication, if you don’t pick a provider you trust, you’ll always wonder if she has your best interests in mind and will be less likely to listen to what she says. Finding someone that you get along with and have a similar philosophy on health is worth shopping around for. Ask your friends and family members – I’ve found this way more effective than just Googling “women’s primary care.” While I’ll probably continue to go to the birth center for my care, I’m definitely going to ask to see someone else.

2)    Be honest. For the sake of your health, it’s always important to just lay it all out there for your provider. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Been having some itchy since your last exciting encounter? Tell her! Started taking some Chinese herbs for your period cramps? Tell her! Providers tend to give stock recommendations to patients, so the more you can be honest and share about your health, the more individualized and effective your care will be.

3)    Come with your facts straight. When it comes to FAM, some providers will be skeptical. However, when used correctly FAM is about as effective as the pill, and a growing number of women are using it. Your provider should be in the know! Print out the latest evidence, and be sure you can explain how it works. You don’t have to know everything, but you do have know why you’re doing what you’re doing!

4)    Be Open Minded. Doctors, nurse-practitioners, and midwives are highly-trained healthcare providers. While you are the absolute expert on yourself, they can help you apply that self-knowledge so you can be your healthiest and most empowered you! After you’ve chosen a provider that you trust, be open to what they have to say. This might make them more open to what you say. Healthcare is supposed to be a team effort, after all.

5) Stand up for yourself. Really awesome providers love clients and patients that stand up for themselves. I went to a birth a few weeks ago where a mom refused an intervention in spite of her midwife’s recommendations. This mom had all the information she needed to make an informed decision, and she stood up for herself! She ended up having a super healthy and empowered birth experience! This is just as important in your regular primary care. Write down your questions, do your research, and go to your provider prepared to have collaborative discussion on how to achieve your optimal health. FAM is all about YOU know knowing your body, so share that knowledge with your provider!

Get A “GabiFresh” Bikini For Summer Love!

Opinion 2 Comments
GabiFresh

Got curves and looking for the right swimsuit for summer love? Look no more.

Step out in a “GabiFresh” bikini and jump start your love life. GabiFresh and Swimsuits For All joined up for a second year in a row to create a line of plus-size bikinis. The suits sold out in 48 hours last year. Featured on cocoandcreme.com and other sites, the fabulous look may sell out quickly again this year. Get yours now.

My suit is in the mail. 

gabifresh-4

Keep it sexy

Keep it healthy

SuzyKnew!

Does Having Sex Help Or Hurt Me If I’m HIV Positive? ASK AN OBGYN

Ask an OBGYN HIV/AIDS 2 Comments

Dear SuzyKnew,

I am HIV positive and have been for 3 years now.  Since being diagnosed, I’ve avoided serious relationships with men. But, I find I miss the closeness and support an intimate relationship offers. Are there benefits to having a sexual relationship, if you’re HIV positive or is it better for your health and the health of someone you care a lot about to abstain? Worried in Detroit, MI

*******

Dear SuzyKnew Reader,

After many years of medical research and learning about living with HIV and AIDS, we know that HIV positive people can and do live long and rewarding lives.  Sexual and intimate relationships are a key part of a rewarding and satisfying life.   There is a lot of literature on how to continue your sex life once you have been diagnosed with HIV (usually focused on protection and avoiding transmission).    But there is surprisingly little written about how sex can benefit your health and wellbeing if you are HIV positive.  Here is a list that may surprise you.

#1 Sex can help stave off stress, anxiety.  If you are HIV positive, it’s likely that you are facing daily stressors.  Stress can weaken the immune system, making it less able to fight off infections.  Here’s the good news- sex activates the release of “feel good hormones”- endorphins and oxytocin. When these hormones are released, it creates feelings of intimacy, relaxation and can reduce stress. For an HIV positive person, reducing stress and keeping healthy is paramount.

#2 Sex can reduce depression. People with HIV are at a high risk for depression. According to doctors at the AIDS Psychiatry Service at Johns Hopkins, depression can trigger poor self-care, including non-adherence to drug regimens.  The consequences of not taking your medications are dire; it can lead to poor health outcomes and drug resistance.  So how can sex help fight depression?- it’s the same “feel good hormones” at work- endorphins and oxytocin. Although these happy hormones may give you a little boost, they will not be enough if you are experiencing clinical depression, and you will need to be treated by your doctor.

#3 Sex can lead to better sleep.  Sleep is an essential part of good health and plays an important role in immune system health and function.  Many drugs to treat HIV have side effects that affect sleep.  Complications of HIV disease, such as peripheral neuropathy, can keep patients up at night.   Sex (think about that post coital feeling of satisfaction), can lead to a better sleep.  According to researchers at the Morehouse School of Medicine, several hormones are at play here- including estrogen and prolactin- which contribute to feelings of peace and relaxation and that can both lead to sleepiness and keep you asleep.

#4 Sex can help reduce pain.   Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD from Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain.  The lab studies have also found that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.  There is no study conclusively linking the reduction of HIV-related pain to sex, but you may be willing to try this at home as your own clinical study.

Here’s to a long life, good health, and enjoyment!

How Do I Get A Man To Commit To Me? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 5 Comments

Dear ASK JANICE,

I am crazy about this man I’m dating, but can’t get him to commit.  When we’re together, he’s totally into me. He treats me well and truly fulfills my needs in bed.  But, he always insists we’re not in a “real relationship”.  He says he’s not looking for a relationship right now, but that he does care about me.  Whenever I push him for more, he gets pissed.  And then sometimes I don’t hear from him for weeks!  What am I doing wrong?  How can I get him to commit to me?

Can you help a Sista out, please!

*****

Hey Girlfriend,

First of all, you need to stop beating yourself up over this guy.  No woman can force a man to do anything he doesn’t want to do.  The only thing you’re doing wrong is accepting less than you want and deserve.

He’s already told you everything you need to know.  He cares about you, but doesn’t want a “real relationship”.  In other words, he’s just not that into you.

The bottom line is when a man wants to be with you, he’ll be with you.  There will be no excuses and definitely no going weeks without hearing from him.  You won’t have to pressure him or push him for more.  He will be with you, plain and simple.

Clearly, you want more from this man than just casual sex.  Sadly, you’re not going to get more from him.  He already knows that he doesn’t have to commit to you to sleep with you whenever he wants.  And since this kind of relationship works for him and you allow it, nothing is going to change.

My advice to you is that you end things with this guy.  You’re not getting what you want from him, what you deserve.  And that’s my point: you deserve the kind of relationship that YOU want.  You deserve to be with someone who will commit to you and really treat you with respect.

I don’t know if you’re settling for less than you deserve because you’re afraid to be alone, or if you’re truly in love with this guy.  But, you need to stop … NOW!  Men get away with treating us so casually because we allow them to.  You’ve given him all the power in this so-called relationship, and that’s just wrong!  You’re worth more than that, Sister.

I would also argue that your guy doesn’t really care about you, at all.  He obviously knows how you feel about him, yet he’s perfectly content to keep you dangling on a thread while he goes about his merry way.  If he really cared, he’d either give you the relationship you want and deserve, or he’d leave you alone.  But as long as you allow it, he’ll keep coming back for casual sex and a half-assed relationship on his terms.

This just isn’t the man for you, my friend.    The great Maya Angelou says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Your guy has painted you a very clear picture of who he is.  You need to believe him, and cut your losses.  Let him go.  Walk … no RUN away as fast as you can.

Trust me, when you let go of this guy, you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor!  Other than some occasional good sex, the only thing this man is doing for you is standing in the way of the man you’re supposed to be with.  As the Church Mothers say, “Girl, he ain’t doin’ nothin’ but blocking your blessings!”

Leaving this unfulfilling relationship would be an act of genuine self-love for you.  And like I always say, no one else is going to love you unless you love yourself first.

My dear, you deserve to have the kind of relationship that you want.  You deserve to be with a man who will commit to you.  Stop giving yourself to men who won’t give you what you want and deserve.  Stop selling yourself short.

Let this one go.  Let him be someone else’s problem.  Your King is out there, and this guy is just in his way.

Surfing The Crimson Wave: The Roses Of Fertility Awareness

Contraceptives Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health 1 Comment

If you tell your friend you use the Fertility Awareness Method, chances are you’ll get a response akin to, “…Oh. And you say you don’t want kids right now?” A lot of people don’t understand how empowering FAM can be and how it actually works. On top of all that, chance are they’re missing out on something pretty great: sex during your period, or, surfing the crimson wave.

Lots of people love surfing this wave, but FAMers particularly appreciate it because it’s one of the weeks when we’re less likely to get pregnant. Now, in general, it’s possible, although rare, to get pregnant on your period, but as we take our temperature and keep track of our cervical fluid, we can know when we’ve ovulating. After you ovulate you have between 12 and 14 days until your period. If you notice your temperature hasn’t dropped after your “peak” day, don’t have sex without wrapping it up. Otherwise, indulge!

The benefits of surfing that crimson wave are plentiful. Will you feel like having sex on your period? Sometimes that general get-out-of-my-face feeling the crimson wave brings on may make you think you’d never feel like you’d never want to have period sex. However, hormones during your period may actually INCREASE your libido. Girl, it’s time to get your groove on!

Lots of us ladies experience emotional swings around our period, and, of course, lots of women get crampy, but sex on your period can ironically help with that. Sex, like lots of exercise, can lessen the pain of menstrual cramps. All that good blood flow during sex has the ability to help with headaches and lessen your cramps. And, of course, Lord knows the magical powers of sex to help with tension and stress!

Celebrate International Women’s Day: Live Life Extra Large Like Sena Dagadu

Opinion 2 Comments

Yesterday, March 8 marked International Women’s Day, and ladies, we know you’re still celebrating. Continue celebrating by living life Extra Large. Hit life hard as so rightly said by Ghana’s Sena Dagadu. The song Extra Large, a favorite on the continent and in Europe, came out last March on Sena’s album Lots of Trees. Sena is enjoying her rising stardom as well as the recent birth of her first child. She sings about the empowering realization that she can do and enjoy so much more than she ever thought. She sees so many growing “trees” of possibility  and wants to go after it all.

Like the song says, use this day to find your own way of understanding. Understand your own life, your own love and play your cards straight from your heart.  Your opinion does matter and your way of working is just fine.

You’re incredible.

Get to the point about what you want and go after it.

 

 

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy!

SuzyKnew!

“I Was Just About To Lighten My Skin When You Appeared And Saved Me” Lupita’s Letter

Opinion 4 Comments

This is what a young girl wrote Lupita Nyong’o, who accepted Essence Magazine’s Best Breakthrough Performance Award last week for the movie 12 Years a Slave. Lupita read some of the letter aloud as a part of her acceptance speech, making the audience cry and setting the media on fire by revealing her own personal struggle to “embrace” dark beauty in Black women.

More specifically, the woman wrote: ” Dear Lupita, I think you’re really lucky to be this Black but yet this successful in Hollywood overnight. I was just about to buy Dencia’s Whitenicious cream to lighten my skin when you appeared on the world map and saved me.”

Even though our mothers tell us we’re beautiful, often we don’t believe it until someone like Lupita is recognized as beautiful. “The gate keepers of beauty,” as Lupita says, are the ones we believe.  Last year at the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards, Kelly Rowland confessed that she didn’t “embrace” her “chocolatiness” until Beyonce’s mom sat her down and talked to her. This got people talking, too.

We know beauty is more than skin deep and black women like Michelle Obama have inspired us.  We, like Michelle, Kelly, and Lupita, have to face the onslaught of derogatory messages by those who don’t appreciate our beauty.  How Mrs Obama endures comments like Michelle “My Butt” Obama or “Moo-chelle” with grace and class may be beyond most of us.

But, to be surrounded by the Lupitas, Kellys and Michelles must be enough to give us wisdom, courage, and strength to make our own marks in the world for others like us to follow.

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy!

SuzyKnew! 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I At Risk For Cervical Cancer? ASK AN OBGYN

Ask an OBGYN No Comments

Dear SuzyKnew!

I am 25 years old and wonder if I’m at risk for cervical cancer. I know there is a vaccine that can prevent cervical cancer but I heard it’s just for teens.   I also read the SuzyKnew! piece on Black women dying from reproductive health issues more often than white women.  What’s your advice?    C. Johnson 

****

Dear SK Reader,

Yes! Black women do die more often than white women from cervical cancer, according to the Black Women’s Health Imperative.  40% of the 2,000 Black women diagnosed with cervical cancer each year will die. Most deaths are among women who have not been screened within the last 5 years. This is unacceptable.  Cervical cancer is one of the most preventable types of cancer, and women can be screened for it with routine Pap tests

Yes! There are vaccines that protect both men and women against the HPV virus, the main cause of cervical cancer. One is called Gardasil and the other Cervarix. It is given to young people way before they are sexually active so that their immune system has enough time to build up protection against the virus BEFORE they are exposed to HPV.

According to the World Cancer Research Fund, cervical cancer is the third most common cancer in women and 7th most common cancer in the world. It is more common in developing countries, especially in sub-Saharan Africa and the Caribbean, where rates can be up to 3 times higher than the world average.

The Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) is a very common sexually transmitted infection and also causes cancer of the anus and penis.  HPV is also linked to oral cancers.  Although we are very vulnerable to this disease, what recently caught our attention about HPV was when Actor Michael Douglas  spoke about his HPV-positive throat cancer.  The Huffington Post came out with an infographic on the risk of HPV-related cancers for women and men. The American Cancer Society, knows that oral cancer from HPV on the rise for both women and men and recommends being vaccinated. As of 2004, 72 percent of oral cancer tumors were HPV-positive — up from 16 percent of tumors in the 1980’s.  Why? HPV is out there and is easily spread.   This is particularly concerning for young people that want to preserve their virginity and think they wont get an STI from oral sex. Wrong! Not only can you get an STI from oral sex, but also potentially cancer.

So what can we do to prevent HPV?

1)     Get the vaccine early.  The CDC recommends the HPV vaccine for preteen girls and boys at age 11 or 12 years.  If you missed the early window, girls can get the vaccine between ages 13 through 26 years and for boys ages 13 through 21 years. So, lady, get vaccinated today!

2)     Get your annual Pap Smear.  Traditionally, our main weapon against cervical cancer has been early detection (though annual exams and Pap Smears) and once detected, treatment.

3)     Use a barrier method (condoms) for all sex- oral, anal and vaginal to prevent exposure and spread of the virus.

SuzyKnew! Ladies:  We need to spread the word about the HPV vaccine!   Rates of vaccine uptake is still pretty low and there are a lot of unfounded myths surrounding the vaccine. According to the CDC, in 2011, only 35 percent of girls ages 13-17 received all three shots in the vaccination series, and only 30 percent of women ages 19-26 had received the vaccine.

Why aren’t more people getting the vaccine?  I believe that there has not been enough press about the vaccine, which is why I was thrilled that you wrote in.   Some doctors believe that it’s because you have to have three separate shots over a six-month period.  That can be hard for some folks to schedule, but doctors are used to playing catch up on a vaccine series.  Also, some conservative groups have been spreading the message that giving the vaccine to young people will increase their likelihood of having sex.  Please, chile…  Education is the key here.   Both my son and daughter will get the vaccine.  Will you and your children?

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy!

What’s Trending In Sex? More Intimacy And Less Kink In 2014

Love and Sex No Comments

Lelo, the premiere sex toy company, recently put out their 2014 infographic on sex. The study looks at what women are doing now compared to 2012.

Today, women want more intimacy – and less kink. But, they are going further to get pleasure.  Personal massagers… er… vibrators are increasingly popular.  As for our male partners, 89% of men said they would welcome the chance to use a vibrator on their woman.

Also, these days ladies have overcome their stage fright. 52% confess to have produced their own  “naughty” home movie. Ooh…la..la…!

See the infographic below. Take Lelo’s newest survey and save 20% of Lelo products!

INFOGRAPHIC-Fifty-Shades-of-Vanilla

ASK JANICE 2014 Valentine’s Day Message For Ladies Without Valentines

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Are you dreading Valentine’s Day this year?  Does the approaching “holiday” remind you that you’re single, unattached, man-less?  Are you already sick of the Hallmark and jewelry store commercials throwing ridiculously happy couples in your face?  Does all the hoopla around the day make you feel lonely and depressed?

If any of this sounds like you, you’re not alone.  Commercials and magazine ads would have you believe that everyone is “boo’d up”, and that single people are rare and miserable.  Well, don’t believe the hype.  In the U.S. alone, 43% of all adults are single, according to the 2010 U.S. Census.  That’s almost half of all adults!  In 1950, that number was only 22%.

Singlehood is a growing trend in the US and elsewhere, and it no longer carries the same stigma it did in the past.  No one says the word “spinster” anymore.  No one really questions why a woman is still unmarried at 25 years old, or 30 or even 40 like they used to.  And when you factor race and ethnicity into the equation, women of color are even more likely to be single until much later in life.

So single ladies, rejoice!  You’re no longer the pitied oddballs you used to be!

Don’t get me wrong, though.  I know it’s real in these single streets.  While some women choose to remain single for a variety of reasons, many still prefer to be in committed relationships.  For the most part, everyone wants love and companionship.  But not having love and companionship doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.  It doesn’t mean your life is empty or incomplete.  In fact, if it takes another person to make you feel complete, you’ve got bigger issues than being dateless on Valentine’s Day.

Remember that line from the 1996 romance movie, “Jerry Maguire”?  The one where Tom Cruise stares longingly at Renee Zellweger and says, “You complete me”?  While it made for great romance on the big screen, it kind of made me cringe, too.  Because in real life, you really don’t want some piece of a man so pathetic that he needs you to “complete” him.  Sure, you want to feel wanted and even needed, but to complete him?  Uh uh.  No, thank you.  I’d rather have no man than an incomplete one.

And any man worth his salt feels the same way.  A real man doesn’t want the responsibility of “completing” his woman.  He wants to feel wanted and even needed, but he doesn’t want some little piece of a woman that he has to complete.

The truth is you need to be “complete” by yourself before you get involved in a relationship.  Needing a man and wanting a man are two different things.  And you don’t ever want to be someone who NEEDS a man.  Don’t be one of those women who build their entire lives around their guy.  They give up their friends, their interests and themselves to be whatever he wants at all times.  They lose themselves in their men, becoming mere shells of who they used to be.  And when those guys leave, as they inevitably will do, those women are left broken and barely able to survive on their own.

So, don’t look for someone else to make you feel whole.  While you’re single, use your time wisely.  Be the best version of yourself at all times.  Find yourself.  Get to know yourself.  Improve yourself.  And most importantly, learn how to enjoy yourself by yourself.  Stop filling your days chasing after the perfect man.  Instead, use your days to develop yourself into someone so wonderful, so fabulous, the good men will start chasing after you.

Embrace your singlehood as your opportunity to continue working on the masterpiece that is your life.  Treat yourself well and focus on making yourself happy.  Stop listing all the things that are wrong with you as the reasons you’re alone.  Instead, work on making improvements in your life that will make you feel fulfilled.

For example, you’re not single because you’re overweight.  Maybe you’re not happy with yourself because you’re overweight; and maybe your weight is affecting your self-confidence.  If you work on losing weight in order to make yourself happier, then you’ll get a lift in your confidence.  And that’s what will attract a man, not the weight loss itself.

Do you see the difference?

You don’t need a man or a relationship to make you happy and whole.  You need to find a way to be happy and whole on your own, first.  Yes, having a man can enhance your life, but he shouldn’t BE your life.  He should be your dessert, not your main course.

If you haven’t found your Valentine yet, don’t despair.  That just means you have more time to build your life around YOU before you meet HIM.  Remember, you can’t properly love anyone else until you love yourself, first.  And when you truly love yourself and learn to make yourself happy, you’ll attract the person you’re supposed to have in your life.

In the meantime, if you’re single, feel free to enjoy this Valentine’s Day with the best date ever: yourself.  Treat yourself to some candy or flowers.  Buy yourself something sexy to wear just because it makes you feel good.  Treat yourself to dinner and spend some quality time celebrating yourself.  The best love is self-love, and the best day to celebrate self-love is the day of love itself: Valentine’s Day.