Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

The Gabonese Pilot Goes Into a Holding Pattern

So, what’s the latest about my Gabonese pilot who promised to fly me all over Africa and Europe?  What’s up with the man who promised me a fabulous Valentine’s Day date and then turned out to be married, yet continued to text me from Libreville, Milan, Paris, and Malabo?

Well… nothing.  I haven’t heard a word.

Not a peep.

I guess after I told him to clean up his skype chatting (he wanted to chat with me sans shorts), he has decided to go into a holding pattern.  Check-in with me next month to see where the situation flies to next.

The Gabonese Pilot Goes Beyond Text…

As you remember, I was getting kinda comfortable with the intermittent and random text messages the Gabonese pilot was sending me. If you read previous posts, you’ll see that this guy – a pilot from Gabon who traveled regularly to Libreville, Beirut, Paris, Rome, and Malabo- had been watching me for a while during his stays at a hotel I was living at long-term for work. Then, he pinned me down on Valentine’s Day for a date (which didn’t happen). Later, I found out he was married and told him I wasn’t interested. But, then we fell into this casual texting relationship.

I liked the light friendship. The male attention. It was harmless. Nice.

Then the other day I saw him come up on Skype on my computer screen:

“Are you there?”

“Yes, I am,” I replied.

But, now that I’m back in my home country, looking at my watch I realized that it was 2:30 am his time.

“It’s 2:30 am. Isn’t it kind of late?” I queried.

“It’s not that late,” he replied.

“Odd,” I thought. My guard was down. I only had innocent thoughts.

Then, he slyly asked, “What are you wearing…?”

Hmm… “What’s that supposed to mean? “ I asked on the defensive. “What kind of question is that?? What are you wearing…?!” I charged.

“A shirt on top,” he responded…”and nothing on the bottom.” Okeydokey… So, that’s the way he plays. This is how he rolls. How did this creep up? Can’t a man and a woman have a playful, platonic relationship without it going “to the other side..???”

“Go back to your wife,” I cried. “That’s what she’s there for! I’m not into any porno texting.” I said. “Uh… at least not with married men,” I was thinking, but left out. Of course, he said I had misunderstood. That he was innocent. Why did I think badly of him… Yada…yada… yada…

I thought we would build a nice friendship. See each other casually between our international trips we had for work… How did I so easily fall into this…?

Seemingly not satisfied with that new bone for me to chew on, what does he do today…? He texts me in French: “Peace. In the Name of Christ.”

ASK JANICE: How Can I Get Some Sizzle Into My Sex Life?

Question:

My man and I have a decent sex life but it lacks sizzle. My man treats me like a porcelain doll … sometimes he’s just too gentle! His gentle manner was what first attracted me to him, and I appreciate that he’s so considerate of me. But every once in a while, I’d like him to just ravage me! How can I add some sizzle to our sex life without insulting my gentle man?

Answer:

Girl, who doesn’t want sizzle? Every now and then it’s nice to be ravaged … to be taken! I’m not talking about rape fantasies here (that’s a topic for another day). I’m talking hot, sweaty, head-banging sex; the kind where you’re too embarrassed to meet his eye after because of all the nasty things you said and did!

We all love to make love. You know that mushy, sweet, staring-into-each-other’s-eyes kind of lovemaking, where sweet nothings are whispered and your souls become one. That’s all well and good. But sometimes (probably more times than we’d care to admit), we all want our hair pulled and our asses slapped as we are thoroughly and (a little) roughly f@#$ed out of our minds.

There’s nothing like it, is there? You scratch your nails down his back and beg him for more. He flips you like a pancake and whispers into your ear all the dirty things he’s going to do to you. You both yell and scream; you let yourselves go as unbridled passion consumes you. And when it’s over, you are a sweaty, panting, hair-all-over-your-head, thoroughly satisfied mess.

I’ve got news for you. Men like and need this, too! I guarantee that your nice, mild-mannered man would love to feel your nails rake down his back as he wildly hammers you. He’s probably just worried that you’ll be turned off by any show of aggression in the bed.

So, here’s what you do: the next time he’s making that nice, sweet love to you, nudge him the dark side with little suggestions like “harder” or “faster” or even “take me”. You’ll find that he’ll be more than willing to comply. Then, as things heat up, continue to encourage him verbally and compliment him on his skills, his anatomy. Be vocal about your pleasure and get him to express his. Get him to talk to you. Ask him if he likes it, how he likes it, and how he wants it.

Not all men are “talkers”, but even a little verbal exchange can change the tone of your lovemaking. And once he knows that you are open to getting a little wilder in bed, he will be bolder with you. You have to let him know that you’re not going to break or be offended by a walk on the wild side. You just need to create a space comfortable enough for both of you to really let go and unleash your inner freaks! Enjoy!

Filipina Gal: To Sex or Not to Sex

Tap. Tap. Tap

Nails drumming on hard plastic. Pens scratching away on pristine white notebooks. Bright afternoon sunshine filtering in through the windows, generating dust bunnies and lazy, half-attention on the professor’s core material. Soft moans and harsh grunts and flesh slapping against flesh on the teacher’s table…

Wait, what?!

I blinked, my professor’s loud tenor breaking my stupor and interrupting the impromptu porn movie that popped into my head. I looked around to check whether people noticed my blush accompanied by the silly, guilty grin that threatened to escape. Alright, clear. I can go back to fantasizing.

I once heard that men think about sex more that women do. Well, I don’t know how true that is, but I know I think about sex. A LOT. And in this modern era, when women who are openly sexually active are becoming more and more accepted in the western world, this isn’t really a big deal.

That is, except when you’re a good girl from the only predominantly Catholic country in Asia, the Philippines.

And I don’t think about just actual sex, but also the implications of how sex is considered in our Filipino society. Growing up, I realized that I didn’t have ‘normal’ parents like everybody else probably did – normal in the sense that they consider topics such as sex taboo. So my siblings and I were reared in a relatively liberal environment (in terms of love, sex, and free-flowing condoms), and when we attended Catholic high schools, we were in for a shock.

To start off, let me say something about the ‘acceptable’ courtship scene I found myself in, maybe even in the Philippines in general! Boy and girl notice each other across the hallway, the cafeteria, the library. Eyes may shyly meet, and wham! Melodrama galore, sometimes it’s love at the first guy we see just outside the little space between the gendered bathrooms. But nuh-uh, sister, we can’t start the conversation! The guy’s gotta be the one to do the heavy-lifting, so the girls find ways to maneuver them into situations wherein they ask for the girl’s number (or, for bolder girls, the guy’s number). Don’t worry; those long hours of practice stalking on Facebook do come in handy at these critical moments. Then, there’s a long period of overt staring matches and non-stop 24/7 text-messaging (hey, there’s a reason unlimited texting for Php 10 or about $.25 is a daily must-have), which lasts between three months to six months or, god-forbid, longer. Couples usually start hanging out in their school/work area during this period, but every so often, they pretend to be all innocent and sweet and call each other ‘best friends’. Dates are often really reserved for transitioning between the ‘beshie’ episode and the ‘bf/gf’ stage. Though this is changing, it’s still usually a no-no to just go out with somebody without first exchanging a couple of, ‘so, your family’s into what business, again?’ sorts of messages. Even then, sex doesn’t really enter the equation until several months, goodness, even year(s) later.

Eyeroll, yes – slow is the name of the Philippine dating game, and, boy, it is a big part of our pre-sex life.
Now, before you take me to court for libel, I’m not claiming this is the actual structure, but you get what I mean – it’s very conservative, particularly if we want to remain in the good graces of family.
What more for sex?!

Students get the down-lows on (if you ask me, irrelevant) stuff like Technology and Livelihood Education or TLE instead of juicy sex education, unlike places in the west like the U.S. In this arena, bad rep girls were often those who had sex with their boyfriends in high school. I think even for more mature players, the dating and sex playground can still be extremely limited and limiting – such is the case with the Reproductive Health Bill. The RH Bill being put forward for approval in the Congress, which primarily aims to inform people about their family planning options – even just to tell them that, yes, there’s such a magical thing as a penis glove that you can use and you and your significant other can make the ‘beast-with-two-backs’ all you want – was and is still being debated hotly. Problem upon problem piles up – here we find ourselves in a tangled situation without a lot of information. What happens?

Duh, do dogs chase cats?! There are a whole lot of us who are very ‘ahem’ discreet about their activities, but not in terms of being responsible sexually – resulta es muchos problemas in the form of little bundles of joy (or untimely horror, depending on your – or your parents’ – point of view) popping up like daisies.

Dilemma: reconciling the sexual requirements of the Filipinos with the ideals our faith holds dear. Clearly, we are a very passionate people – all crammed in our tiny 300,000 km², way smaller than 1/10 of the U.S. land mass , we did get to a population of more than 92 million. Yes, even though most attended Sunday mass and got preached on about the horrors of promiscuity. I believe it doesn’t mean changing beliefs – it just means adapting to and considering the body’s biological and social needs. Faith lies primarily in and with God – he loved us and created our bodies as they should be, so why all the sneaking around with something as natural as sex? Shed those coats of ‘pretentious’ virtuousness, and embrace the light of tolerance, acceptance (and consideration of our booming overpopulation).

It may seem like information overload, but in a nutshell, those are my thoughts about sex. And know that if you are a Filipina who thinks too much about sex, you are not alone.

Warning: Be cautious of day-dreaming about sex during class/office hours. It is not advisable.

The Royal Wedding Vows: A Combination of Traditional and Modern Love

Hey Ladies, did you watch the Royal wedding? An incredible event.

The bride, the dress, the Prince… and the vows.

Vows today in the US and UK are often modern and take out a lot of the religion as well as responsibility in marriage. Often, they focus on the importance of love and the connection between the couple. Kate was “modern, “ following Diana’s example when she took out the word “obey.” But, she and William were “traditional,” leaving in language around the sanctity of marriage and the necessity of the couple to take responsibility in protecting and defending it.

I wonder… can we have our cake and eat it, too?

Part II: Why Was SuzyKnew Created?

What does the Arab Spring – the democratic uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt – have to do with us Ladies around the world getting what we need romantically and keeping it healthy “down there” ? What do traditional and modern women have in common?

The second part of the SuzyKnew Founder’s Guest Blog at The Pleasure Blog explains it all. Take a look! This month’s entries on the Pleasure Project Blog also include information on the new “Viagra Condom.” It’s quite provacative – but racy; so, you have been forewarned.

My “Text” Life With the Gabonese Pilot

Okay. So, Valentine’s Day has come and gone. And so has International Women’s Day. And guess what: my Gabonese pilot – the one who chased me down Valentine’s Day morning for a date – is still around! Even after I told him I didn’t “do” married men. He texts me all the time now. And I respond! He wants to know if I’ll be around in Malabo, or perhaps in Paris, or somewhere else in West Africa. He wants my picture. And I like it. I’m comfortable with the whole arrangement. It made me wonder if I’m like one of the women the Your Tango article mentioned in Why Do Women Cheat.

The author found that many women satisfy their deep longing for passion with minimum risk by going online. Is this me…? What about a “real-life” man, or have I organized my life so that I can get my needs met in other ways…? Food for thought.

ASK JANICE: My Man Says that If I Really Love Him, I’d Let Him Not Use a Condom

Question: My man says that if I love him, I’d let him not use a condom. What should I do?

Answer: I wish this wasn’t a written answer so that you could all hear my loud, melodramatic sigh. Here we are at the beginning of the 21st century, more than three decades after the HIV virus was discovered in humans, and there are still so many people who refuse to use condoms!

Insert another big sigh here, too.

I won’t bore you with the alarming statistics like the fact that about 14,000 new HIV infections occur every day around the world. These statistics are just numbers to most people. They don’t have anything to do with what goes on in the bedroom between you and your man.

But the reality is that this statistic is probably low and the best way you can avoid joining this club (and/or risking an unwanted pregnancy) is to use condoms. All the time. Every time.

So your man says that he doesn’t like using condoms because “it just doesn’t feel the same”, or “it takes the spontaneity out of sex”. Well, that’s a load of crap. These days there are condoms on the market that are so thin that neither you nor he will be able to even tell it’s there! And they come in all sorts of colors and flavors (yes, flavors!) so that using them can actually become part of your sex play.

Make it fun! Get creative! Prolong the anticipation of sex by seductively rolling the condom on with your mouth (the flavored ones come in real handy for this). Or tease him with your hands as you ease the condom all the way down to the base of his shaft. Trust me. If you do It right, he’ll never object to wearing condoms again!

Now I know that realistically, there are still some men who prefer to ride bare back just as there are still some women who will let them. For these people who insist on playing Russian roulette with their lives, I have just three words: GET TESTED OFTEN. Know your status. It’s the least you can do to stop the spread of HIV and other STD’s.

So, when your man says that not making him wear a condom proves your love for him, turn it right back around. Tell him that if he really loves you, he WILL wear one and protect you both.

Send your personal question to AskJanice@suzyknew.com