Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

Straight Talk On Feminine Hygiene And Douching

Reproductive Health 2 Comments
Fishnets

Ladies, we know. Feminine hygiene is a delicate topic.  We all have feminine odor at some time or another, yet we don’t want to talk about it. But, up to 40 percent of women in the US douche. The practice is more common among African-American and Latina women. So, repeating the basics as well as providing a few good links to US government health sites for reference can go a long way to helping us stay healthy and fresh.

You’ve probably heard that all you need is some soap and water to stay fresh down there.  And, it’s true. Skip the douche and feminine spray asiles in the supermarket. And while douching after sex does not prevent pregnancy or getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), there is research that shows that douching could adversely affect your pregnancy.  The US Department of Health does not recommend douching and states that it can be harmful. The dangers associated with douching include vaginal irritation, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and bacterial vaginosis. Most doctors and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommend that you do not douche.

The US health department also recommends staying away from all those scented soaps, powders and sprays as well. But what about these new feminine hygiene or intimate wipes, which are made to clean only the outside of the vagina? Now there are even organic wipes that avoid the use of petrochemcials often linked to skin irritation.  The US government web sites are silent on these products.

But, in short, vaginas are suppose to smell like – well, a vagina.  If your odor changes, it could be due to too much douching, an infection or an STI.  If it smells like you’re baking bread downstairs, it could be a yeast infection. If the odor is very strong, it could be bacterial vaginosis, the most common infection among women of childbearing age. So, when it’s not your regular every day odor that every lady has from time to time, consult your doctor.

Read more on these US government health sites:

From the US Department of Health

Douching Fact Sheet: http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/douching.cfm#h

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI): http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/sexually-transmitted-infections.cfm

From the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):

Bacterial Vaginosis: http://www.cdc.gov/std/BV/STDFact-Bacterial-Vaginosis.htm

 

Unsafe Sex Feels Like My Only Option For Love: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments
Big Girl

Dear Janice, I know all about protecting myself from HIV and pregnancy, but I find my options for men are really limited. I’m a big woman in her mid 30’s, and I feel that my options for love just aren’t the same as they are for other women. How can I find the strength to turn down men who refuse to use condoms or won’t get tested? I want to be loved…

******

Dear Big Girl:

Girl, please!  The average female orgasm lasts between 10 and 30 seconds.  That short-lived burst of pleasure is in no way worth your life!!!

Look.  I understand where you’re coming from.  I’m plus-sized gal, myself.  So I recognize that we live in a world in which a size 2 has a better chance of getting a date on a Friday night than a size 22.  I know what it’s like to be the wallflower in the dance of life where all your skinny friends are on the dance floor having a good time.  And I totally understand that no matter how brilliant and loving you are … no matter how great your personality is, most men are visual creatures and want a certain “type”.

I get it.  I feel your pain, Sistah.

But hear me when I say that I’d rather spend the rest of my Friday nights alone with my vibrator, than spend even 10 seconds in the arms of an idiot who is too dumb to protect himself and too uncaring to protect me!  I am far too precious to be bothered!

First of all, there are lots of men out there who prefer a woman with “meat on her bones”.  And I’m not just talking about those “chubby chaser” freaks who get off on fat girls.  (But, don’t hate on the “chubby chasers”!  After all, there is someone out there for everyone!)

No, I’m talking about real men who will find your curves comforting and a soft compliment to their male hardness.  I’m talking about men who’d love to grab ahold of every wiggly, jiggly inch of you and take you for the ride of your life!  Yes, Big Girls, these guys are out there.  You may just have to look a little harder to find them.

I know we’ve been cautioned about the dangers of internet dating.  But, one advantage to looking for love online is that there are sites for everyone … even for people who like dating larger women.  I can’t personally vouch for any of them, and I would advise you to proceed with caution.  But, if you’re willing to risk your life with a guy who wants to play in your rain tunnel without a rain coat, then you’ve got to at least be willing to give one of these sites a try.

In the meantime, remember this: no one will love you unless you love yourself.  Yes, there are some “Shallow Hal’s” out there.  But most people are attracted to confidence.  Trust me.  Wearing confidence and self-love is better than putting on make-up, wearing designer clothes, having a new hairstyle … heck it’s even better than Spanx (and I can’t think of too many things better than Spanx for a Big Girl)!  When you go out there fully armored with self-love and confidence, you’ll attract the guy you’re supposed to be with.

That’s not to say we can’t all stand to improve upon ourselves.  You know what you need to do to lose weight.  I don’t need to lecture you about the merits of exercising and eating right.  But do it for health reasons and to make yourself feel good. Hey, we’re all works in progress, right?

In the meantime, embrace your curves, Big Girl!  Think of yourself as Full-Bodied like a fine wine, rather than just plain old full-figured!  And if you value yourself as the beautiful work of art you are, then it will be easy for you to walk away from those fools who don’t think enough about themselves or you to use protection.

Who needs them, anyway?  You’ve got you … and until your Mr. Right comes along (loving every inch of you and with his own box of condoms, thank you very much), you’ll be just fine!

You can ASK JANICE your intimate love question by emailing ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com

3 Reasons Why Bess Left Porgy or Why A Good Man Might Not Be Able to Satisfy You

Opinion 2 Comments
Chicago Tribune

The Gershwins’ Porgy and Bess just took home a Tony award for best musical revival. If you were lucky enough to see it, you’re probably still thinking about how incredible the music, dance and acting were. But, did you ever think about why Bess gave up the good thing she had going on with Porgy down on Catfish Row in South Carolina?

Here are 3 reasons why Bess may have decided to leave Porgy which could also help you think through whether or not a good man could really satisfy you. If you don’t know the story line, the once-controversial opera, which depicts rural, poverty-stricken African-American life during the 1930’s, tells the love story between a crippled beggar (not everyone was getting the polio vaccine back in those days…) named Porgy and a sultry and beautiful but loose woman with a drug problem, Bess.  When Bess’ no-account, abusive lover kills a man, Bess is wanted by the police, and she seeks refuge in the small, coastal community. But, no one will take her in except Porgy, who has never had a woman before in his life. Porgy offers Bess a stable relationship and a decent life, remaking her into a model citizen. Bess even takes on raising an infant orphaned by the hurricane, to complete her new family life with Porgy.  So, why does Bess leave Porgy (and the baby) only after a few weeks of a blissful relationship to follow Sportin’ Life, a drug dealing, violence-prone pimp, to New York? And what does this have to do with you?

1.  Feeling of Unworthiness – Bess seemed very happy with Porgy. Or at least, that’s what the musical makes you think. But, deep down she probably felt unworthy of Porgy’s love and kindness. And the community’s as well.  She was a round peg in a square community.  Bess had some issues with self-loathing and she probably felt she deserved to be treated badly.  Yes, a little like the Battered Woman’s Syndrome.  Bess wanted to move on but just couldn’t overcome and kick her past. Are you really ready to give up all those bad boys you’re dating? Deep down, do you feel that you deserve the love of a good man?

2. Sex with a cripple wasn’t all that great- Not to be cruel and insensitive, but maybe Porgy didn’t have the physical prowess to sexually satisfy Bess over the haul. Everyone in the community kept telling Porgy, “The Cripple can’t keep Bess.”  Obviously, Porgy’s goodness and kindness had captured Bess’ heart. But, could it keep her sexual appetite satisfied? Bess was an experienced woman. She had had probably more men than you and I ever will and had known men who had given it to her good and rough. Soft, patient love might not have been Bess’ cup of tea. Can we really change our sex habits even for a good guy?

3. A stable relationship is great but do you really want to stay “down on the farm?” Who knows what Bess found when she followed Sportin’ Life up North. The opera leaves us guessing. Bess may have become a star at The Cotton Club for all we know. If she had stayed down on Catfish Row, Bess may not have reached her true potential. Good looks and strong seduction skills can go a long way in the big city. The constant go-go and thrill of New York City may have been able to keep Bess happy and away from drugs. Staying with Porgy and the orphaned baby might have held her back from reaching stardom.  They say you can’t have it all: a great marriage, a successful career and a family.  Something has to give.

Are you ready for the sacrifices having a good man may entail?  Sure, the right guy could be supportive and encouraging enough to help you overcome your insecurities and bad habits. Security and stability could compensate for a ho-hum (or at best predictable) sex life as well as keep you satisfied with routine family life.  But, successful relationships are built on compromise.  A good man will want you to be good to him, too, which means giving up a few things on your end.  And if you feel you need to completely devote your attention to you to reach your true potential, hanging around with a good man may not be good enough for you.

Think about it.

 

How Do I Know It’s Really Love? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments

Dear Janice,

I’ve been with the same guy for five years.  Just recently, a co-worker asked me how I knew I was actually in love as opposed to just comfortable.  That got me thinking.  How can I tell if it’s really love?

Cynthia

Dear Cynthia,

Let’s talk about love!

First of all, congratulations on the longevity of your relationship!  These days, five years is like the new decade!  It’s a challenge to stay together … especially in the age of social media where old lovers can be found with a click of the mouse and every stupid thing you do can end up on YouTube.  So, the fact that you’ve hung in there says a lot.

Only you can determine if it’s real love, though.  I’m sure that after five years, you’ve already figured out the difference between that all-consuming romantic lust we have at the beginning of relationships and the real thing.  At first, it’s all flowers and moonlight, candles and hand-holding.  We can’t stand to be away from that person, even for the few hours we’re at work.  We talk constantly, whether by phone, text or Twitter.

And the sex?  Nothing and I mean nothing beats that beginning-of-the-relationship sex!  Both of you treat each encounter like a performance, pulling out all your best moves and your sexiest lingerie.  And you’re both insatiable … seeming to want and need it all the time.  You screw like rabbits and can’t get enough of each other.

But, after the honeymoon is over, all those quirky little things you thought were cute in the beginning are now annoying.  You don’t feel as obligated to laugh at all of his jokes and he no longer bothers to leave the room before he farts in front of you.  Conversations are brief, only occurring at your insistence or during half-time of the game.

As for sex, it’s still good, just not as frequent as before.  You’ve seen each other’s best moves and frankly, they just aren’t as impressive as before.  And you don’t mind so much if your panties and bras don’t match before you go to bed, either.  In fact, you don’t even give your pre-sex lingerie much thought anymore.  If it’s clean, you wear it!

And yet …

He’s still the first person you think of calling when you get good news at work.  He’s also the first person you call when you get bad news.  You don’t care if you laugh so hard you snort around him; and the fact that he can still make you laugh hard enough to make you snort speaks volumes.  You may hate it when he leaves the toilet seat up or his socks on the floor, but your heart still skips a beat when you hear his key in the door after a long day at work.  He’s still the last face you want to see when you go to sleep and the first voice you want to hear when you wake up.

You may not generate the heat and fireworks like you did when you first got together, but he’s still the only one who can make your temperature rise, even if it’s just a little bit.  He knows all your hot spots like the back of his hand, and yet he still goes just slow enough to send you to your bliss each and every time.

And even though you may bicker and fight like cats and dogs, you share a certain synchronicity that can’t be duplicated anywhere else.  It’s a rhythm, a harmonic beat that only the two of you can hear.  Most of the time you’re not even conscious of it … but it’s there.  It binds you together as you weather each storm, pulling you closer as each year passes.

Yeah, it’s comfortable, too.  Kind of like an old pair of slippers or that tee shirt you sleep in and just can’t get rid of.  But it’s also comforting, providing a safe harbor from the day-to-day trials of life.  And you share a deep respect for each other, so that no matter how angry or annoyed you get, you’ll only go so far with your insults and barbs.  You’ll never really set out to hurt each other.

And that’s just a little glimpse at what real love is … so enjoy!

Painful (Vagina) Cake: Afromantics and How To Improve Black Women’s Sexual Health

Opinion 5 Comments
makode linde Religious Watch

Have you seen this photo of the Swedish official cutting into a cake resembling an African woman’s vagina?  And, then there is another picture of the smiling Swedish Cultural Minister feeding a piece of the vagina cake into the delighted “savage” woman’s mouth. The work, called Painful Cake, is by the Afro-Swede artist Makode Linde. It was meant to draw Sweden and the world’s attention to female circumcision, also called female genital mutilation (FGM). And, it certainly did, according to Google Trends.  But, the work, which has the male artist’s painted black face with ‘pickaninny’ hair and huge red lips on top of a round, dark cake depicting a caricature of an African woman, screaming out when anyone cuts into her red velvet lady parts, has been decried as offensive and not art.

The Painful Cake video went viral across Europe, Africa and the States, and offended many – especially women, black women. AllAfrica.com posted an open letter of complaint from a large group of African and African-American women to the Minister of Culture in Sweden.

Makode is known for his line of work called Afromantics, which paints blackfaces, complete with big grinnin’ red lips, white teeth and white circles around the eyes. Characteristic of whites’ portrayal of Blacks before the era of Civil Rights, blackfaces are painted on almost anything, especially icons representing idealized, white, privleged life.  The artist says he’s representing himself and his own personal experience as a homosexual Afro-Swede who has always felt outside of mainstream society and ostracized.  The blackfaces are effective: they can seem grotestque, shocking the viewer into questioning what is normal or ideal. Is cutting into a woman’s vagina (cake or the real deal) ideal?

Is Makode Linde’s Afromantic work any different from Kara Walker’s?  Walker, an African-American female artist, is known for her black-paper silhouettes showing life in the American South before the Civil War.  Often, at first glance, the pictures look peaceful and romantic, depicting the antebellum south, as those who benefitted from the social and economic structures want you to see it.  But, when you look more closely, you see the true horror that was the reality.  You see how the history of slavery, including sexual relations between white slave owners and black female slaves, continue to affect and haunt American psyche and society today.

In 2007, the Walker Art Center premiered Kara Walker: My Complement, My Enemy, My Oppressor, My Love highlighting the artist’s signature works, examining how your oppressor could become your lover. Just like Makode Linde’s Painful Cake depicts how an African woman could accept cake from those who are cutting her. Maybe it’s easier for us to understand and appreciate Walker’s work because she is a Black woman bringing our attention to what has caused our past suffering and current challenges for a healthy and pleasurable love and sex life.

If we as women of color do not lead the discussion and create the images of our sexuality to improve our health and pleasure, others will do so for us.

Cake anyone?

What Do the US and Nigeria Have In Common Regarding Contraception?

Contraceptives No Comments
contraceptives

What do the US and Nigeria have in common regarding contraception? Both countries are now providing contraceptives for women for free. In August 2011, SuzyKnew told you about an interim law in the US requiring health plans to cover the costs of women’s contraceptives.  The fact that insurance companies had been paying for Pfizer’s high cost Viagra® for more than a decade for men to have more and better sex but not covering the costs of women’s contraceptives (even inexpensive generics) had long been a major bone of contention for US women. American women were all for men having more sex. But, they wanted to get financial support – like the gentlemen – to protect their health and finances from more babies, the natural consequence of men’s improved access to sex-enhancing drugs. In January 2012, this law became final, effectively allowing women to better manage their personal finances by giving them financial support to prevent pregnancy.

In the same vein, concerned about its economy, Nigeria has become more serious about addressing its spiraling population growth, the consequence of a lot of sex. Last year, the world’s 6th most populous country, passed a new law providing contraceptives for free. For 20 years, the Nigerian government had recommended that people have smaller families. But, the new law provides the financial support to help make this a reality. It requires states to distribute contraceptives to local governments and the public sector health centers for free. Nigeria, like other African countries, is hoping that a more serious effort to reduce population growth will improve economic growth as well as women’s health.

As SuzyKnew always says…to improve women’s health, you must address women’s pleasure…

Is Truvada® the Faithful Black and Asian Woman’s Protection Against HIV?

HIV/AIDS Opinion Reproductive Health No Comments

Ladies, you know the statistics: Our communities have been hit hard by HIV, and we as women are in many instances more vulnerable to HIV/AIDS than men. Whether you live in New York, Jo’Burg, Lagos, London, Manila, or L.A you know that you are more at risk of getting HIV from your man than white women even if you’re faithful to him! Many of our men are not truthful about their Kaoreke ladies or the other women… or other men… they have on side, leaving us vulnerable to many sexually transmitted diseases, especially HIV/AIDS.

I’ve seen faithful women in the US, Africa and Asia fall victim to AIDS due to their partner’s lack of faithfulness.

But, has our time come? Do we now have a weapon to protect our lives when we can’t get our men to use condoms. Truvada®, a pill currently used to treat people with HIV, could prevent infections among those at high risk, according to recent studies. Two groups would be targeted for this new use, including  couples where one person is infected and the other isn’t. This means if your man is on the low down or unfaithful you could protect yourself.  It also means that if you’re HIV positive, you can greatly reduce the risk of transmitting the infection to your partner. The regimen would require daily use to be effective, which means taking it every day. It can be 90 percent; but, in the real world, it has not been more on the level of 44 to 73 percent effective.

Truvada®, manufactured by Gilead, is up before the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for approval as a preventive treatment for HIV/AIDS. Ladies, stay tuned for more on this drug. It could be our chance to take more control over our lives – literally!

 

ASK AN OBGYN: Is There a More Effective “Morning-After” Method?

Ask an OBGYN Contraceptives No Comments
Pregnant?

Dear SuzyKnew Obgyn:

Besides Plan B (also called the morning-after pill), is there any other way to prevent pregnancy if you’ve had unprotected sex?

LaVinia

 

*****

Dear LaVinia,

Thank you for your question.  Yes, there are other ways to prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex.  One that has been successfully used for over 35 years is the intrauterine device (IUD).  Inserted within 5 days of unprotected sex, the IUD can reduce the incidence of pregnancy by 99%.

A study published May 5 online in the journal Human Reproduction, reviewing over 35 years of data in 6 countries on the use of  IUD’s as an emergency contraceptive, indicates that IUDs are actually more effective than the morning-after pill. Although getting an IUD inserted requires a doctor’s visit and more upfront money  than the morning-after pill, which only requires a trip to the pharmacy and a few dollars or pounds, the IUD – a long-term method – is a lot more cost-effective in the long run. This means, if leave an IUD inserted (IUDs can remain in place for more than 8 years), it will only cost you pennies per pleasure session!

While many providers in the US (unlike in the UK) may not mention this discreet medical device as an emergency contraceptive or “morning after” option , take it upon yourself to ask your health care provider to discuss using an IUD for EC the next time the occasion arises.

P.S.  To protect yourself from HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, you’ll still need condoms with an IUD until you both have a recent HIV test. Keep it safe, ladies!

 

ASK AN OBGYN is not meant to be a substitute for your doctor or health care provider. Contact your provider with any health issues you may have.

ASK JANICE: Should I Let Him Go Down On Me?

Ask Janice No Comments
Woman with man behind

Janice, should I let him go down on me? All my friends tell me it’s wonderful, but I just can’t relax. Help! It’s beginning to ruin my relationship. My guy says that if I don’t let him, I’m not really giving myself fully to him. Is this true?

Cheryl in Detroit

 

Dear Cheryl,

Well, I don’t know about all that “not giving yourself fully to him” stuff.  But I will say that you may be missing out on some serious blessings, girl.  There are few things more delightful than the pleasure a well-laced tongue can bring.  Anyone who has never experienced the soul-jarring orgasm that can result from having a man go down on you is truly missing out on one of life’s mores delicious pleasures (pun intended).

Look.  Many men will lie and say that they either don’t do it, or don’t like doing it.  But they are liars!  And while there are a few selfish men out there who refuse to go “downtown” (unbelievable, I know), most men are willing to because it gives their partners pleasure, often deepening their feelings of intimacy.  In fact, many men actually like pleasuring their women orally!  So, consider yourself lucky that you’ve got one of the good guys: someone who is actually WILLING to go down on you.

Now, I will be the first to admit that not every man willing to take the trip downtown knows what he’s doing.  And there are not a whole lot of things worse than someone being down there, fumbling around, hitting all the wrong spots and missing the right ones; putting too much pressure when a soft touch is required, or not enough pressure when you’re ready to do a little grinding.  In fact, in my humble opinion, the only things worse than bad oral sex are nails on a chalkboard, people who cut me off in traffic, and telemarketers who call during dinner.

On the other hand, when it’s done well it is oh, so very good!

I am not sure why you are having trouble relaxing and letting your man pleasure you orally.  However, I suspect you may have been brainwashed like so many women into thinking that our bodies (especially in THAT area) are undesirable, unlovable and worse, un-kissable.  Such programming is often unintentional and subliminal.  After all, we are taught by advertisers to camouflage our natural scent. There are sprays, inserts, wipes … and many of us remember seeing those hot water bottle douches hanging on the back of our grandmothers’ bathroom doors.  Such images and messages can leave an indelible mark on a young girl’s mind, especially if she is naturally modest.  Maybe you’ve internalized these messages and are now self-conscious about someone putting their face, mouth, tongue and yes … nose down there.

Well, it’s time to un-learn those self-disparaging messages and embrace your body … every single, creamy inch of it!  Before you can ever really give yourself to anyone, you have to first accept yourself the way you are.

Trust me when I tell you that as long as you are clean, your man will love the smell of your essence.  Rather than a pungent odor that must be sprayed with some artificial camouflage, think of your vag as the delightful flower that it is, offering up a heady, sensual scent which is unique to you and only you.  Your scent is like your fingerprint: no one else’s is the same.  Be proud of it, show it off, and let your man enjoy it to the very last drop!

Janice

Email Janice at AskJance@suzyknew.com with your intimate question.

Are You Experiencing Withdrawal Bleeding? ASK AN OB/GYN

Ask an OBGYN No Comments
Flower

Dear Ob/Gyn,

I’m experiencing bleeding sometimes that’s not like a period or menstrual cycle, and I think it may be linked to my contraceptive method.  I just switched to using a patch.  The bleeding I had happened during the week I wasn’t wearing the patch.  I won’t get a chance to see my ob/gyn until next month, and I wanted to get your thoughts before my appointment.

Precious

Brooklyn by way of Lagos

********

Dear Precious,

Thank you for your email.  I’m glad that you have an appointment with your provider.  But, I know how long getting an appointment can take.

Based on what you’re saying, it’s quite possible that you’re experiencing withdrawal bleeding.  This is also called a fake period or homonal period, and it happens during the fourth week of your cycle when you’re using a hormonal contraceptive method.  For contraceptive pill users this would be during the week you’re taking a placebo. For patch wearers, this bleeding episode would take place the week you leave the patch off, and for NuvaRing Users, this would be the week the ring is taken out.

I like to refer readers to About.com’s contraception section on withdrawal bleeding for more detailed information.

SuzyKnew Ob/Gyn

 

Information provided in Ask An Ob/Gyn is not meant to replace seeing your provider.  Contact your doctor or a health clinic with women’s health services, if you’re having problems with your contraceptive method or have any gynecological concerns.