Bad head: is there anything worse?

That was a rhetorical question, of course.  I can think of a whole lot of things that are worse than bad oral sex, like the 2016 U.S. election results, global warming, and AIDS (World AIDS day is today…).  And the death of Prince.  And Ann Coulter.  And the fact that Neiman Marcus sells frozen collard greens for $66, plus shipping and handling. (Really, Neiman Marcus?  Really?)

But still.  Bad head sucks, no pun intended.

You know it’s bad when you push his head away, scoot back and ask “What the heck are you doing?

That actually happened to me!  Thankfully it was a long time ago and pretty much forgotten until I recently ran into the guy.  When he came up and said “Hi”, I knew he looked familiar, but couldn’t quite place him.  It wasn’t until later that I remembered he was Bad Head Guy, the worse pussy eater I’ve ever met.

Bad Head Guy was way too deficient in oral skills to be a grown ass man.  He was downright lousy at it, which is sad because he claimed to enjoy doing it.  That’s more than I can say for some of these dudes out here who are good at it, but wanna act all stingy with their favors.  Those guys irritate me, too.

Bad Head Guy talked a good game beforehand, so I was eager to give him a try.  He enthusiastically went down there promising to send me to the moon, but from his first ill-placed lick, I could tell he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

Y’all know me.  I’m not at all shy about expressing my wishes when it comes to sex.  I mean, I get that most men won’t immediately know what I like, so I have no problem gently guiding them to all the right spots.  But Bad Head Guy was like that bad-ass kid in school who never listened to the teacher and made everyone miss recess.  He simply couldn’t (or wouldn’t) follow directions!

I tried subtle hints and non-verbal cues, at first.  I nudged him to the right spot with my thigh, and when that didn’t work, I used my hands.  But he paid me no attention.

So I grabbed his head and put it exactly where I wanted it.  You can’t get more obvious than that, right?  That didn’t work either, though!  He just stubbornly kept going at it in the wrong spot, with the wrong amount of pressure and at the wrong pace.

Since my non-verbal communication wasn’t working, I got vocal.  “No, not there,” I said.  “A little softer and slower, please,” I moaned.  “Again, not there,” I pleaded.  All to no avail.  He was too rough and erratic, treating my tender yoni like an ear of corn at the family cookout.

Finally, I just had to stop him completely.  My amorous mood was gone and all I wanted was to get dressed and leave.  At that point I knew the only way I was having an orgasm that night was to go home and give one to myself, courtesy of my B.O.B. (battery-operated boyfriend).

But even when I stopped him, he misread my cues!  He sat up and grabbed a condom as if after that failed attempt, I was gonna let him all up inside me.  Um, nope!

In fact, HELL NOPE!

Like I said, I have no problem showing a guy how I like to be pleasured.  Every woman is different, so I don’t expect a man to be perfect the first time we’re together.  It takes time to learn each other, and a lot of it is trial and error.

But most grown ass men know the basics: pay attention to her responses, her breathing and how she moans; and for God’s sake, follow her lead!  And most men can at least follow very simple, very specific, verbal instructions!

However, if I have to bring your pitiful efforts to pleasure me to a FULL STOP, then clearly we have a problem that’s not going to be resolved by having sex.  In other words, what you NOT gon’ do is have any use for that damn condom!

I tried to explain to Bad Head Guy that he just wasn’t making me feel good.  He interrupted me and said “That’s because you won’t let me do my thang, Baby!  I know what I’m doing down there!”

No, sir.  You obviously don’t.

I hate being interrupted, especially when I’m horny and frustrated.  So to avoid punching him in the throat, I just quietly got dressed.  He tried to catch an attitude, telling me I should at least reciprocate so he could get off.

Yeah, right.  Ain’t no way I’m about to reward bad pussy eating with a good blow job!  Reciprocity is earned, so, “Boy, ‘bye!”

Somehow I managed to leave his place on a cordial note. I don’t think he fully understood just how awful his head game was, but that was going to have to be someone else’s problem.  I was done.

Can you believe his nerve, though?

Ladies, never settle for bad oral sex.  Learn what you like so you can help guide your man to all the right spots.  Don’t be shy about letting your wishes and desires be known.  Just don’t waste your efforts on a man who won’t listen.  It’s your pleasure, so he should follow your lead.  ‘Cuz bad head sucks!

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