Bad head: is there anything worse?

That was a rhetorical question, of course.  I can think of a whole lot of things that are worse than bad oral sex, like the 2016 U.S. election results, global warming, and AIDS (World AIDS day is today…).  And the death of Prince.  And Ann Coulter.  And the fact that Neiman Marcus sells frozen collard greens for $66, plus shipping and handling. (Really, Neiman Marcus?  Really?)

But still.  Bad head sucks, no pun intended.

You know it’s bad when you push his head away, scoot back and ask “What the heck are you doing?”

That actually happened to me!  Thankfully it was a long time ago and pretty much forgotten until I recently ran into the guy.  When he came up and said “Hi”, I knew he looked familiar, but couldn’t quite place him.  It wasn’t until later that I remembered he was Bad Head Guy, the worse pussy eater I’ve ever met.

Bad Head Guy was way too deficient in oral skills to be a grown ass man.  He was downright lousy at it, which is sad because he claimed to enjoy doing it.  That’s more than I can say for some of these dudes out here who are good at it, but wanna act all stingy with their favors.  Those guys irritate me, too.

Bad Head Guy talked a good game beforehand, so I was eager to give him a try.  He enthusiastically went down there promising to send me to the moon, but from his first ill-placed lick, I could tell he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

Y’all know me.  I’m not at all shy about expressing my wishes when it comes to sex.  I mean, I get that most men won’t immediately know what I like, so I have no problem gently guiding them to all the right spots.  But Bad Head Guy was like that bad-ass kid in school who never listened to the teacher and made everyone miss recess.  He simply couldn’t (or wouldn’t) follow directions!

I tried subtle hints and non-verbal cues, at first.  I nudged him to the right spot with my thigh, and when that didn’t work, I used my hands.  But he paid me no attention.

So I grabbed his head and put it exactly where I wanted it.  You can’t get more obvious than that, right?  That didn’t work either, though!  He just stubbornly kept going at it in the wrong spot, with the wrong amount of pressure and at the wrong pace.

Since my non-verbal communication wasn’t working, I got vocal.  “No, not there,” I said.  “A little softer and slower, please,” I moaned.  “Again, not there,” I pleaded.  All to no avail.  He was too rough and erratic, treating my tender yoni like an ear of corn at the family cookout.

Finally, I just had to stop him completely.  My amorous mood was gone and all I wanted was to get dressed and leave.  At that point I knew the only way I was having an orgasm that night was to go home and give one to myself, courtesy of my B.O.B. (battery-operated boyfriend).

But even when I stopped him, he misread my cues!  He sat up and grabbed a condom as if after that failed attempt, I was gonna let him all up inside me.  Um, nope!

In fact, HELL NOPE!

Like I said, I have no problem showing a guy how I like to be pleasured.  Every woman is different, so I don’t expect a man to be perfect the first time we’re together.  It takes time to learn each other, and a lot of it is trial and error.

But most grown ass men know the basics: pay attention to her responses, her breathing and how she moans; and for God’s sake, follow her lead!  And most men can at least follow very simple, very specific, verbal instructions!

However, if I have to bring your pitiful efforts to pleasure me to a FULL STOP, then clearly we have a problem that’s not going to be resolved by having sex.  In other words, what you NOT gon’ do is have any use for that damn condom!

I tried to explain to Bad Head Guy that he just wasn’t making me feel good.  He interrupted me and said “That’s because you won’t let me do my thang, Baby!  I know what I’m doing down there!”

No, sir.  You obviously don’t.

I hate being interrupted, especially when I’m horny and frustrated.  So to avoid punching him in the throat, I just quietly got dressed.  He tried to catch an attitude, telling me I should at least reciprocate so he could get off.

Yeah, right.  Ain’t no way I’m about to reward bad pussy eating with a good blow job!  Reciprocity is earned, so, “Boy, ‘bye!”

Somehow I managed to leave his place on a cordial note. I don’t think he fully understood just how awful his head game was, but that was going to have to be someone else’s problem.  I was done.

Can you believe his nerve, though?

Ladies, never settle for bad oral sex.  Learn what you like so you can help guide your man to all the right spots.  Don’t be shy about letting your wishes and desires be known.  Just don’t waste your efforts on a man who won’t listen.  It’s your pleasure, so he should follow your lead.  ‘Cuz bad head sucks!

Photo Credits: furnituretoyourdoor.com

A good friend of mine recently asked if I had any tips for dealing with jawbreakers.  No, I’m not talking about that hard, round piece of candy that seems to last forever.  Remember those?

My friend was referring to her man’s penis.  Apparently it’s so thick that she actually has a hard time giving him satisfactory blow jobs.  Her jaws get tired quickly, and she usually has to give up before he’s done.

Poor thing (insert sarcasm and eye roll here).  Don’t get me wrong, though.  I understand my sista’s pain.  Who among us hasn’t experienced tired, achy jaws while orally pleasing a man?  And I’ll be honest.  I’ve been with guys who were just too big to really be effective with my mouth alone.

But to complain about a dick being too thick?  That just seems so wrong!  She should be thanking her lucky stars she didn’t get stuck with a teeny-weeny wienie, right?

Now, I know a lot of things about a lot of things.  But as good as I’ve been told I am at oral sex, I don’t claim to be an expert.  So, before I could give my “poor” friend an answer, I decided to do a little research.

Let me be clear, though.  This was not scientific research or even scholarly research.  This was me asking a few guys, surfing the ‘net and culling my memory for lessons I’ve been taught by very patient lovers from my past.  So I won’t be citing any sources and boring you with statistics.  Instead, these are just a few helpful hints I’ve picked up along the way.

That said, the best way to suck a thick dick without doing permanent damage to your jaws is to make sure it doesn’t last too long.  In other words, you want to make him cum relatively fast without that seeming to be your goal.

So, to that end, here are Sophia’s Tips for Handling Jawbreakers:

1. It all starts with attitude, ladies.  I don’t care how horny your guy is, if you’re not into pleasing him orally, he won’t enjoy it as much.  In fact, your enthusiasm is a big part of his enjoyment!  So, talk it up like you can’t wait to take that big, thick cock into your mouth.  Tease and excite him by telling him how much you love sucking him.  And when you’re actually doing it, moan along with him.  Make it sound like you’re devouring your favorite meal.  Be careful of over-doing it, though.  No need to over act.  Just be genuinely thrilled to please your man.
2. The coronal ridge. Located at the back of the head of his penis, this area is very sensitive.  Intense suction and moisture here, especially as he gets close to his climax, will give your jaws a break and send him to the moon.
3. Balls! Don’t neglect the balls, ladies.  Again, to give your jaws a break, be sure to lick and suck his balls, too.  And even while you’re sucking, using your hands to gently manipulate his balls adds to his enjoyment.  Watch his responses, though.  Not all balls are created equal.  Some men like ball action more than others.  Get to know what your man likes and go from there.
4. Don’t stop at the balls! Yes, I’m talking about that sensitive area between his scrotum and his anus.  Your man will deny this in public, but trust me.  Stimulating this area with your finger and/or tongue is an erotic winner!  And it’s also a nice way to give your jaws a break.
5. Don’t stop there, either. I’m talking rim job, anus action … whatever you want to call it.  Again, you have to know your man.  Some men don’t want you anywhere near there.  Then again, some men do but are ashamed to admit it.  That’s okay.  It’s his call.  But if you’re brave and he’s open, a well-timed, well-lubricated finger in his anus while you’re sucking him hard can bring on an explosive climax.  Or, as another way to relax your jaws, use your tongue there.
6. Introduce him to B.O.B.! That’s a Battery Operated Boyfriend, also known as vibrator.  Consider using a small vibrator to stimulate his prostate.  When you penetrate a man’s anus, especially during oral sex, the stimulation to his prostate is exciting.  If you and your man are daring enough, inserting a small vibrator into his anus as you vigorously suck his cock can work like magic.
7. Deep throat isn’t just for the movies! This takes a lot of practice and can be challenging to do with a thicker cock.  The key is to concentrate on relaxing the muscles at the back of the throat.  Remember that your salivary fluids are thicker at the back of your mouth.  So to maximize his enjoyment, try to accommodate his sensitive head back there.  It does take practice, though.  And patience on his part.  But just think about how much he’ll appreciate you being willing to master this trick!
8. You’ve got two hands, so use them! Dick cannot be sucked by mouth alone, especially a bigger one.  Using your hand along his shaft as your mouth stays near his head does a few things: it mimics a vagina, it allows for you to rest your jaws, and if done correctly, can hurry things along.  Be creative, too.  Don’t just limit yourself to up and down motions.  Twist your hand along his shaft (just be sure you’ve lubricated it with your saliva); remove your mouth altogether and use your hand alone; vary your speed according to his wishes and reactions.
9. Communication! I know it’s a cliché, but communication really is the key.  Encourage your man to be open and specific about what he likes.  I, for one, love it when my man gives me instructions.  It turns me on to hear him say things like “Use your hand, baby” or “Suck a little harder”.  I encourage him to tell me what he wants by telling him to do so, especially during the foreplay leading up to the blow job.  By doing so, he feels more comfortable expressing his wishes, taking the guess work out of it for me.  This leads to faster, more intense orgasms on his part and more comfortable jaws on mine.

I’m still not ready to concede that having a man with a thick dick is anything more than a blessing.  But blow jobs are called jobs for a reason.  They can be hard work.  And hard work plus substantial girth can lead to sore jaws.  Hopefully, these tips will help my friend and any other woman out there who needs it.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  One last piece of advice, ladies: practice, practice, practice!  And I’ll add this caveat: only be willing to work as hard to please him as he works to please you!  It’s all about reciprocity.  If you play your cards right, your enthusiasm for pleasing him orally will proportionally increase his enthusiasm for pleasing you in the same fashion.

Enjoy!