I bet pounds for dollars you are thinking the “who” are getting in the way of your happiness and you would be correct. My mother, who I love dearly, is in a constant battle with the unconscious collective, what I like to call “the invisible they”.  Whenever she is searching for anything from her keys to jewellery the “they” have taken it and whenever I ask who the “they” are, I get the side eye and whatever she was searching for always ends up being in the same place—one of her handbags.

It got me thinking how we all have these unquantified group ideas on people so I termed it the unconscious collective who are standing in the way of us being gloriously happy. What are the unconscious collective? They are generalized ideas that have filtered through and become accepted as the truth; it’s the generalized conversations that keep the embers of gender wars burning which keeps the “us vs. them” thinking firmly in place.  Have you ever been with your girls or the bros and a conversation runs like this:

“Oh my God, can you believe Tina/Michael, he/she said and did x, y and z?”

As you go over what Tina/Michael said and did, someone jumps in saying, “Well that is typical. All men/women are________________” —you get to fill in the blanks— or, “You know what Jim, all women do________ or act like _______________________”

These generalized collective views may be what are standing in the way of what you desire most, that passionate intimate relationship that you really want. Is the unconscious collective becoming clear yet? How about the stories you have adopted and are currently telling yourself?

Like all men cheat, men just want sex, all men lie, women are difficult to deal with, all women are emotional and needy and the best story is it’s a battle of the sexes. These adopted stories are almost universal and generational. Think about it this way, how can you have that juicy, passionate, honest relationship when you hold these viewpoints? When you are thinking that the person you are with will eventually screw up, it’s not an if, it’s a when they screw up.

Are you ready to give up the unconscious collective that keeps you from truly having what you want? The first thing that needs to be done is to change the stories you are telling. The stories we tell consciously and unconsciously color the way we see the world. Never mind what happened to Uncle Fred, Cousin Bob and Grandma Sue in their relationships, you can have and choose something different when it comes to your relationships. Start by cleaning out the old stories to create space for brand new ones; the easiest way to plant new stories is to use declarations, affirmations—whatever you choose to call them—to help lock in your brand new story.

“I have a happy fulfilling relationship”; “The men I meet are open and honest”; “I attract to me women who are whole and happy in the world”; “I am in a relationship with a fantastic guy/girl”.

Feel free to create real juicy ones that resonate with you, only writing things you want in the positive and as if they have already happened—this is the number one trick to keeping the gremlins at bay.

The next way is to be willing to have brand new stories and for that to happen you need to take brand new actions.  Firstly, stop sitting in on the old story session, avoid them like the plague or something worse. If you are somewhere where they are indulging in the old stories, politely ask them to quit it, be it your friends, Cousin Jill or Grandma Sue. It is all too easy to get sucked back into that vortex of old stories.

The next action step is to uplevel your game! If you are saying that all the men you are meeting are_____________ then it’s time to uplevel the type of people you go for,  so if your stories all revolve around the type of men you are meeting it is time to revamp the type of men you are meeting.

The next action step is that you have to be willing to be kind and forgiving to yourself. With this step you have to be willing to forgive yourself for playing with the unconscious collective, forgive yourself for your past choices, be willing to uplevel your game, to close the door on your past firmly once and for all. To say you want and choose a different path for your relationship and be truly open and willing to receive it.  By how you start acting, the choices you make, the stories you hold and tell. Finally, you just have to choose to kiss the unconscious collective goodbye once and for all.

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