Dear Janice,

HELP!  Lately, I have a much higher sex drive than my husband and it’s starting to affect my marriage.  We’ve been married for five years and were together three years before that.  I’ve always been very sexual, even before we got together.  When we started dating, he was just as into sex as I was, and we did “it” all the time.  For the most part, we still have a great marriage.

But for the last 9 months or so, his interest in sex has all but disappeared.  I didn’t complain at first because I know his job is stressful, and for a while, we were struggling with money.

Then things got better for us financially.  He got a raise.  I got a new job that pays more.  Our bills are under control and we’re no longer struggling.  We’re actually doing better than most of our friends.

But, his sex drive hasn’t gotten any better.  I really don’t think there’s anyone else because I’ve seen no signs of cheating.  Yet night after night, I lie there horny and frustrated while he snores.  I’m very unhappy, and when I try to talk to him about it, he just dismisses my concerns and says he’s still attracted to me, but he’s just tired.

To make matters worse, one of my co-workers at my new job keeps flirting with me.  He’s younger than me and knows I’m married.  I always shoo him away, but lately, I’ve been tempted.  I feel neglected at home, but here’s this cute, younger guy at work giving me all the attention I want.  I don’t want to betray my husband, but something’s got to give.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Married But Horny

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Dear Married But Horny,

First of all, leave Young Co-Worker Dude alone!  For one thing, you don’t ever want to “crap where you eat”, as in have an affair with someone at work.  Not only is it just a bad idea for a bunch of obvious reasons (like jeopardizing that new, better paying job of yours), but it can also jeopardize your otherwise healthy marriage.  Listen.  Ain’t no side dick worth losing a good paycheck or a good husband over.

As far as your hubby’s waning sex drive, there could be several things happening.  For example, even though the money problems may be resolved, he still has the same stressful job.  He probably needs to find a healthy way to deal or cope with his stress, like establishing regular exercise regimen.  In fact, exercise isn’t only a great way to relieve stress, but it’s also been known to increase the sex drive … something about increased blood flow and all those endorphins being released, and whatnot.

Also, some medication, if taken over a period of time, can affect the sex drive.  I don’t know how old you and your husband are, but many medicines associated with middle-age-type ailments like high blood pressure can decrease the sex drive, especially in men.  If your husband takes medication regularly, he may need to consult with his physician to see if it’s affecting him sexually.

Which brings me to my next point.  Studies show that the male sex drive naturally starts to decline after age 30.  In other words, your husband may just be showing his age, sexually.  If that’s the case, and a healthier diet and regular exercise don’t help, medical intervention may be required.

But before you go out and get your spouse a prescription for the little blue pills, you need to try talking to him again.  Communication is key to resolving this, no matter what the cause.

Don’t wait until bedtime or when you’re super horny to talk to him, though.  Try having a calm, non-confrontational conversation with him when you’re both awake and fully clothed, but relaxed.  Timing is everything, since this is such sensitive subject matter.

Remember, you love this man and have committed your life to him.  So the last thing you want to do is damage his ego or put even more pressure on him.  Still, your feelings and needs are valid and need to be addressed.

When you sit down and talk to your husband, be sure to remain calm and maintain eye contact.  Then, without confronting or attacking him, tell him that you want more sex in your marriage.  Ask him if he knows why his appetites have waned, allowing him the chance to think things through on his own.  Men are problem solvers, so allow him the space to solve this.

As you know, communication is everything in a marriage.  I know the two of you will get past this, as long as you’re open, honest and treat each other with respect and kindness.  In the meantime, get you a good vibrator and handle your business until you get this resolved.

And again, stay far away from that young co-worker!  He ain’t nothin’ but trouble waiting to happen!

Good Luck!

JANICE

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