Tag Archives: ASK JANICE

ASK JANICE: I Still Fantasize About Being With My Ex

Ask Janice 1 Comment

Dear Janice,

I still fantasize about my ex – being in bed with him and all.  Even when I’m with my husband in our conjugal bed. This makes meeting my ex in public with my husband difficult.  Any suggestions on how to get over this?

******

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a little more information in order to help you.  For example, are you in love with your husband?  Do you have a good sex life with your husband?  Are you still in love with your ex, or do you just miss the sex with him?  How often do these fantasies occur?  Do you fantasize about your ex every time you make love to your husband?  And why is he your ex, anyway?

The answers to these questions and more will better lead you to an understanding and even a solution to your problem.  However, I’m going to give it my best shot anyway.

If you are genuinely and truly in love with your husband, and you two enjoy your sexual relationship, then you probably don’t have any reason to worry … especially if you only fantasize about your ex occasionally.  Many people believe (and I agree) that occasionally fantasizing about someone else while with your long-term partner is healthy.  Your husband doesn’t have to know that every once in a while you close your eyes and imagine he’s Channing Tatum, Boris Kodjoe or even your ex.  Trust and believe that he does the same thing sometimes.

If your ex was really good in bed, then having his image pop into your head every now and again can actually improve sex with hubby.  And hubby doesn’t need to know this.  All he has to know is that you’re into whatever he’s doing at that moment and you’re both happy.

Allowing yourself to fantasize helps you to grow sexually.  Fantasy is your own secret place where you can tap into your deepest yearnings.  It’s where you can be whomever you want and do whomever you want.

Fantasies also teach us about what we really desire.  The better you know your own desires, the easier it is to communicate them to your husband.  You also become a better lover when you know yourself sexually.  So fantasy is a good thing.

On the other hand, if you’re fantasizing about your ex to the point where it’s interfering with your marriage, then you really do have a problem.  And seeing your ex in public is the least of your worries.

Do you have some unresolved feelings for your ex?  Do you constantly compare your husband to your ex in other areas, too?  If so, does your ex always seem to come out on top?  This could be anything from a need for closure to a case of the grass being greener on the other side.  If it’s the latter, remember this: the grass is greener where you water it.

Remember, he’s your ex for a reason, and I suspect that you wouldn’t have married someone else if he were all that.  Just focus on all the reasons you and he aren’t together now.  He may have been good in bed, but you didn’t marry him.

Honestly, you need to take some time to really examine your feelings about your marriage.  Maybe all this fantasizing about your ex is merely a symptom of problems within your marriage that need your attention.  If this is the case, look deep within your heart to figure out what’s wrong.  And be brutally honest with yourself.  Now is not the time to sweep your feelings under the rug.

Finally, talk to your man.  If you’ve got problems, then you BOTH have problems.  That’s what marriage is: a partnership through the good and the bad.  Don’t bring up your fantasies about your ex, though.  They have nothing to do with your marital issues and would just hurt your husband unnecessarily.  But otherwise, be honest about how you feel.

The solution to your problem begins and ends with your own analysis of your marriage and your heart.  You need to get to the real reasons behind your fantasies.  If you married the right man, and I suspect you did, then work hard at fixing your marriage.  Once you begin to do the work, seeing your ex in public won’t be a big deal anymore because all your focus will be on the man who has your heart: your husband.

Good luck.

 

 

First published October 16, 2014

My Crush Told Me To Put On Some Make-Up And Buy A Push-Up Bra: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments

Dear Janice:

My Crush told me to go put some make up on, buy a push-up bra, and get myself another man!  What should I do?

Crushed.

***

Dear Crushed:

Answer:  Girl, this one is almost too easy: put some make up on, buy a push-up bra, and get yourself another man!

An older, wiser woman once told me this: a man will always tell you everything you need to know about what he wants; you just have to be willing to hear him.  As dishonest as men can be, when it comes to what they want, they will always tell you the truth. We women don’t always want to hear what they have to say, though. So, we ignore their signals, like when they stare at a woman who dresses differently than we do; or when they constantly talk about so-and-so’s wife who is so cool because she likes basketball. We even ignore them when they are as blunt as your Crush.

Why? Who better than a man to tell us what men want? When we don’t listen, we end up alone. So take your Crush’s advice, girl. Listen to him!

Now, while I believe in always being one’s authentic self, I am realistic enough to know that sometimes, nature needs a little help.  A little mascara to make your eyes more noticeable; a little blush to highlight those stunning cheekbones; a little spandex and underwire to give the “girls” that extra lift… these are all things that can be used to ENHANCE your natural beauty.

You must remember that men are visual creatures. Before they can get to know your fabulous personality and fall madly in love with you, they have to be attracted to you. You have to get their attention!

So girl, you better run (don’t walk) to the nearest MAC counter and have someone show you how to apply the best colors and shades to bring out the best features on your face. Then immediately proceed to the nearest Victoria’s Secret (again run, don’t walk) and get yourself measured for the best push-up bra your money can buy.  Next, buy yourself a cute top with a V-neck.  Nothing too plunging, of course… you don’t want to show off all the goodies! But, trust me on this one. V-necks are a girl’s best friend!

Now you’re ready to take your Crush’s last bit of advice to find yourself another man. He’s made it clear that he’s not interested in a relationship with you, so let it go. But before you do, pay your Crush one last visit.  Let him see the new and improved you… show him what he’ll be missing! Bat those enhanced eyelashes, arch your back a little and let him eat his heart out! Enjoy!

Originally published August 14, 2012

Send your personal question to AskJanice@suzyknew.com

My Boyfriend Feels Sexually Inadequate: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 1 Comment
inadequacy

First published July 18, 2014

Dear Janice,

Just recently, my boyfriend of three years threw me for a loop.  I thought we enjoyed a satisfying sex life, but apparently he disagreed.  His problem:  he’s frustrated that I only orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, not during intercourse!  When I asked him why it mattered as long as we both enjoyed ourselves, he said it made him feel inadequate.  Ever since our conversation, he’s seemed reluctant to make love with me.  What should I do?  Should I start faking orgasms to make him feel better?

Signed,

Not a Faker

*******

Dear Not a Faker,

My first thought when I read your letter was “at least she has a man who cares whether or not she cums”!  Girl, consider yourself blessed to have a man whose heart (and tongue) seems to be in the right place: he’s obviously willing to do whatever you need to achieve orgasms.  However, his feelings of inadequacy just because you don’t orgasm during regular intercourse are misguided.

I can’t tell from your letter why you don’t orgasm during intercourse.  Is it a matter of him finishing a little too quickly?  Could it be that the positions you try don’t allow for enough direct contact with your clitoris?  It’s likely easier for you to achieve orgasm through manual and oral stimulation because of the direct contact with your clitoris.

At any rate, I’d hate to see this issue ruin your three year relationship, especially when it doesn’t have to.  First of all, even though he’s willing to stimulate your clitoris enough to bring you to orgasm manually and orally, I’m not sure your man fully understands the importance of that delicate little organ of yours.  Explain to him (or remind him) that women are blessed with a piece of anatomy whose sole purpose in life is pleasure!

Where the man’s penis is a multi-purpose organ with about 4,000 nerve endings, our glorious clitoris, which only exists for our pleasure, has more than 8,000 nerve endings!  That’s why, for many women, the clitoris can’t be left out of the equation during sex.

You might try positions where your clitoris can be more engaged in the act.  For example, if you get on top and angle your body just so, your clitoris can be stimulated by coming into direct contact with his pelvis.  Or, no matter who’s on top, one or the both of you can also manually stimulate your clitoris during the act, as well.  Experiment and I guarantee you’ll have fun finding ways to make it work for you.

Now, if the issue is that you just need a little more time to orgasm during intercourse, there are other things you can try.  Go online and research cock rings and other devices that help delay ejaculation.  Nowadays you can order just about anything your heart desires online, and it will come directly to your front door in discreet packaging.  There are also natural ways for a man to delay ejaculation involving deep breathing and different positions.  Again, do a little research online.  There’s a wealth of information out there.

Finally, you both need to remember that the female orgasm starts and ends in the woman’s brain.  There could be any number of emotional and psychological reasons why you don’t orgasm during intercourse, and they may have nothing to do with your boyfriend.  Only you can determine that, though.

As far as faking it goes, while I’m all for honesty in relationships, I do believe there are times when it’s okay.  For example, you’ve had a horrible day and have a lot on your mind.  You welcome and enjoy the intimacy of making love with your man, but because of where your head is, an orgasm just ain’t gonna happen.  I mean he could magically turn into Idris Elba and lick you for eight hours, and you still won’t cum!  You don’t want him to feel bad, so you put on a little show and fake it.  In fact, you do such a good job it makes him cum even faster.  Now everybody’s happy and you can get some much needed sleep.  Under those circumstances, it’s okay to fake it.

But to fake it all the time just because your guy insists that you have orgasms during intercourse?  Nah, I don’t recommend it.  That kind of deception will only undermine your relationship and you might come to resent him.  Just try some of my suggestions and reassure him that you’ve been very satisfied with your sex life.  If he still has issues, assume that there are bigger problems afoot.

Good luck!

An Ask Janice Special: Know What You Want!

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Hey SuzyKnew! Readers!

I was recently in a Facebook group about relationships, and got engaged in an interesting conversation.  It was based on an article I’d written in which I implored women to stop staying in toxic relationships for these reasons: you think you can change a man into someone who treats you better; you think you don’t deserve any better, or you believe that having a piece of a man is better than having no man at all.

This particular Facebook group is co-ed, so I was pleased to receive feedback on the article from men.  Well, one man, anyway.  Only one man commented on the article.  And one very logical point he made caused me to re-evaluate my own relationships.

In part, he said “it’s important (for women) to be clear on what you want, expect and will tolerate before things get serious.  A lot of ladies are not really clear on what will cause them to walk beforehand.  Guys tend to have more solid rules here”.

I don’t have this gentleman’s permission to use his name here.  But if I could, I’d scream it from the mountaintops because he preached some serious truth right there in those few simple sentences.  He made me realize that the one constant in all of my unsuccessful relationships was my own lack of clarity about what I wanted, expected and would tolerate.  I mean, I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted.  In reality, I had no idea.

Don’t get me wrong.  I didn’t just fall into my previous relationships without forethought or consideration.  However, I did tend to get serious before I really considered if the guy was really right for me.  I tended to follow my heart, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I just should have allowed my brain to have more of a say, as well.  And I know I’m not alone in this.

We women like to think we have it all figured out, don’t we?  I mean, we sit around with our girlfriends and talk about what qualities we look for in men.  Some of us even have lists that date back years about what our “ideal” man would be like.  But those lists are usually superficial and short-sighted.  They often include such clichéd characteristics as a “good” personality, “good” sense of humor, or “good” values.

What do those things even mean?  A “good” personality?  As opposed to what, a “bad” personality?  Like anyone wants to be in a relationship with someone with a “bad” personality.

These superficial lists of requirements are ridiculous and let’s be honest here, unrealistic.  Not only that, most of us end up with in relationships with men who don’t even match half the items on these silly lists!

Ladies, we have to do better.   We have to make better choices for ourselves if we really want to build long-lasting, successful relationships.  To make better choices, we need to be clearer about what we want, expect and will tolerate.

So, let’s throw away those old, tired, unrealistic and unhelpful lists about what constitutes our ideal man.  Let’s rid our minds of the superficial stuff that never did us any good anyway.  And let’s come up with some sound ideas about the kind of man we really want and deserve.

It all begins with an honest self-appraisal.  Take a long look in that metaphorical mirror and discern exactly who YOU are.  You’ll never be able to figure out who you want in your life until you know yourself better.

But you must be honest, here.  Don’t sugarcoat anything.  Really assess who you are as a woman and what you bring to any relationship.  Not that I want you to turn this into a self-flagellation, but if you aren’t honest about your own flaws, how can you properly asses who’s right for you?

Once you have a clearer picture of who you are, you can better discern what kind of man would be best suited for you.  Now you can start re-doing that list.  However, instead of simply wanting a man with a “good” personality, dig deeper.  Ask yourself probing questions about what personality traits mesh well with yours.

For example, if you’re more of an Alpha personality, who likes to be in the driver’s seat, would an Alpha male really work for you?  Or should you seek someone who is comfortable letting you drive the relationship?  Or, if you’re very sensitive and empathetic, would someone more logical be good for balance in the relationship?

Instead of saying “good” values, be more specific.  What do you value?  For example, if you’re devout, would you blend well with someone who is more “spiritual”, but doesn’t share your faith?  Or maybe he shares your faith, but isn’t a regular church-goer.  Would that be okay?

If you earn a great living and enjoy the finer things in life, would you really be okay with a man who earns about half what you make, but has a real passion and zeal for what he does?  What if his job just isn’t a high earning one, but it helps elevate your community?  Would that be okay?

Let’s say you have multiple degrees.  Would you ever consider a man with no college education?  But what if he earns as much as (or more than) you?  Would that make a difference?  What if he’s well-informed, well-read and knowledgeable about a myriad of topics, but has no college education?  Does the degree (or lack thereof) still matter?

Once you have an idea of what you want in a man, you need to examine what you will tolerate in a relationship.  Most of us have the obvious deal-breakers on our lists: beaters, cheaters and bums.  But again, dig deeper.  Based on your previous experiences with men, what other things are you willing to tolerate before you’ll walk away?  Maybe something that was a deal breaker for you in the past really wouldn’t bother you so much now.  Or maybe the opposite is true for you.  Maybe you’re at the point in your life where certain things you put up with in the past are now deal breakers.

I believe that once you’ve re-assessed what you want, expect and will tolerate in a relationship, you’ll make better relationship choices.  If nothing else, you won’t waste any more time on men with whom you have no future.

And, if you follow my advice and examine yourself first, you’ll probably come away from this exercise with a better appreciation for what you bring to the table in a relationship.  That’s important to know because to know that is to know your worth.  And when you know your worth, you’ll accept nothing less than the best for yourself.

And you deserve the best … the absolute best!

My Boyfriend Says I’m Not Wife Material – ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments

Dear Janice,

My boyfriend says I’m not wife material.  Should I keep working on the relationship?

Signed,

Want To Get Married Someday Soon

 ****

Dear Friend,

The late, great Maya Angelou once said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”  I’ll add to that my own little saying, “Men always tell us what we want to know, but we just don’t listen”.

In other words, your boyfriend has already answered your question for you.  No, you should not keep working on the relationship.

That may sound harsh, and if so, I’m sorry.  But let’s be real, here.  If he doesn’t think you’re wife material, he won’t marry you.  In fact, that’s exactly what he’s telling you.  He is saying that he will not marry you.  Plain and simple.  And if you want to get married, then he isn’t the one for you.

Now that I’ve answered your question, let’s dig a little deeper, here.  Did your boyfriend tell you specifically why he doesn’t think you’re wife material?  Does he have a list of qualities written down somewhere, outlining what he considers wife material?  Has he shared that list with you?  Is it a matter of him having a different set of values than you … like what he thinks a “wife” should be is very different from what you think?

And here’s the more important question for him – if you’re not wife material, why is he still dating you?  Could it be that he’s the one with commitment issues and is projecting them onto you?  Maybe he just wants the “benefits” of a long-term, committed relationship without putting in the “work”.  I’d love to hear his side.

But what I really want to know is if YOU think you’re wife material.  You say that you want to get married someday soon.  Are you really ready for that?  Sure, we all have things we can improve about ourselves … no one is perfect, after all.  But, even with all of our flaws, we can still be “wife material”, whatever we think that is.

So, are you?  I ask because your feelings about this are more important than your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex’s feelings.  We know how he feels, and trust me when I tell you, no matter what you do, his feelings won’t change.  He’s not going to marry you.  So, let’s move on from him.

What do YOU think?  Are you ready to be someone’s wife … are you ready to accept all of the responsibilities that go along with that?  Only you can answer that, based upon what you believe a wife should be.

In my opinion (and I can only speak for myself), someone who is truly wife material is a woman that loves herself enough to demand the very best from her life partner.  She loves herself and believes in herself so much, that she will accept nothing less than what she is willing to give: respect, support, love, honor, friendship and affection … in good times and in bad.  She knows that there will be times when she has to do the heavy lifting in the relationship, just as there will be times when he may have to do the heavy lifting.  And in between, they will share the load, working in tandem to build their future together.

If you’re ready for this, then hurry up and end this relationship so that you can find the man who will see in you what you see in yourself.  The man you’re supposed to marry is out there, but you have to be available for him.  Staying in this relationship may be blocking your blessings!

Now, back to your boyfriend.  I know it’s easy for me to sit at my keyboard and tell you to give up on your relationship.  And I also know that there are others who would tell you to hang in there and fight for your love.  But ain’t nobody got time to fight for something that isn’t going to happen.  Like I said, he’s told you all you need to know.  You just need to listen to him.

Loving him won’t get him to change his mind.  You can’t change his mind.  You can break your back trying, but trust me.  His mind is made up already.  One of the biggest mistakes women make is trying to change a man’s truth.  It never works.  Ever.

It won’t be easy, I know.  But if you really want marriage, then you need to look elsewhere.  Staying with him is a waste of time.  It may be fun, but it won’t get you where you want to go.  So you have to do the hard thing and LET HIM GO.

Good luck.

My Boyfriend Is Pulling Away – Will I Lose Him? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Dear Janice,

Please help!  My boyfriend of three years has started to pull away and I’m afraid I’m about to lose him.  Everything was fine until a few weeks ago, when he started to act differently.  He started calling me less, doesn’t seem to care if we see each other or not, and never has much to say anymore.  Before this happened, we talked off and on throughout the day, he’d rush over after work to see me and we talked all the time!  Now, it’s like he can’t even be bothered with me.  When I ask if I did anything, he always gets an attitude and acts like I’m crazy.  He won’t even acknowledge that anything is different between us. What should I do?

Floundering in South Florida

My Dear Floundering Floridian Friend,

First of all, calm down!  We women like to make everything all about us, don’t we?  I’m only half joking, here.  Seriously, don’t let a few weeks of odd behavior make you crazy, Girl.  Y’all have been together for three years, so these few weeks are just a drop in the bucket!

In all likelihood, your man’s odd behavior probably has nothing to do with you.  He could be under new pressures at work or having some kind of family drama.  It could be anything!  Don’t be too quick to think it’s all about you or your relationship.  He may be trying to work whatever it is out by himself for now, but will likely open up to you about it soon.  So, for now, I advise you to hang in there and be patient.  Don’t nag or bug him.  Give him the space he obviously needs.

That said, there is something to be said for a woman’s intuition, ESPECIALLY when it comes to her man.  Our instincts are rarely wrong.  And since you’ve taken the time to write to me, your instincts are obviously telling you that something’s amiss.  So, while I say be patient for now, don’t let this go on for too long.

Give it another week or two.  If your boyfriend hasn’t opened up about what’s bothering him by then, it’s time to trust your instincts and do some investigating on your own.  No, I don’t mean for you to start going through his pockets or his phone (though I wouldn’t be too mad at you if you did – I just can’t, in good consciousness, advise snooping).  I mean, do some above-board, “concerned girlfriend” type investigating.  Talk to his friends and family to see what they know.  If nothing else, they’ll alert him to your concerns which might prompt him to start talking.

From your letter, it sounds as though you’ve asked him if anything was wrong between the two of you.  But have you tried to talk to him about this in a way that doesn’t put you and your relationship smack dab in the middle of whatever it is that’s bothering him?  In other words, remove yourself from the equation and ask about HIM.

And don’t beat around the bush about it, either.  Sit him down and ask him, point blank, what is going on in his life that has him behaving differently.  Don’t be confrontational, though.  Don’t put him on the defensive.  Try to approach it out of genuine concern and a willingness to help.  Let him know that you love and support him, so that he’ll feel comfortable talking to you.  After three years, I’m sure you know how to finesse it and get him to talk.  You just have to take yourself out of the equation, that’s all.

Between your own investigation and this direct approach, you should be able to get to the bottom of whatever it is that’s got your guy acting strange.  If both approaches yield nothing, than you may actually have a problem.  He could be seeing someone else.  Or the relationship may have just run its course for him.  Either way, after three years, he does owe you an explanation.

But let’s not assume the worst, just yet.  Give it a little more time and then press forward.  Good luck!

ASK JANICE: I Still Fantasize About Being In Bed With My Ex

Ask Janice 1 Comment
Woman in blue corset

Dear Janice,

I still fantasize about my ex – being in bed with him and all.  Even when I’m with my husband in our conjugal bed. This makes meeting my ex in public with my husband difficult.  Any suggestions on how to get over this?

******

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a little more information in order to help you.  For example, are you in love with your husband?  Do you have a good sex life with your husband?  Are you still in love with your ex, or do you just miss the sex with him?  How often do these fantasies occur?  Do you fantasize about your ex every time you make love to your husband?  And why is he your ex, anyway?

The answers to these questions and more will better lead you to an understanding and even a solution to your problem.  However, I’m going to give it my best shot anyway.

If you are genuinely and truly in love with your husband, and you two enjoy your sexual relationship, then you probably don’t have any reason to worry … especially if you only fantasize about your ex occasionally.  Many people believe (and I agree) that occasionally fantasizing about someone else while with your long-term partner is healthy.  Your husband doesn’t have to know that every once in a while you close your eyes and imagine he’s Channing Tatum, Boris Kodjoe or even your ex.  Trust and believe that he does the same thing sometimes.

If your ex was really good in bed, then having his image pop into your head every now and again can actually improve sex with hubby.  And hubby doesn’t need to know this.  All he has to know is that you’re into whatever he’s doing at that moment and you’re both happy.

Allowing yourself to fantasize helps you to grow sexually.  Fantasy is your own secret place where you can tap into your deepest yearnings.  It’s where you can be whomever you want and do whomever you want.

Fantasies also teach us about what we really desire.  The better you know your own desires, the easier it is to communicate them to your husband.  You also become a better lover when you know yourself sexually.  So fantasy is a good thing.

On the other hand, if you’re fantasizing about your ex to the point where it’s interfering with your marriage, then you really do have a problem.  And seeing your ex in public is the least of your worries.

Do you have some unresolved feelings for your ex?  Do you constantly compare your husband to your ex in other areas, too?  If so, does your ex always seem to come out on top?  This could be anything from a need for closure to a case of the grass being greener on the other side.  If it’s the latter, remember this: the grass is greener where you water it.

Remember, he’s your ex for a reason, and I suspect that you wouldn’t have married someone else if he were all that.  Just focus on all the reasons you and he aren’t together now.  He may have been good in bed, but you didn’t marry him.

Honestly, you need to take some time to really examine your feelings about your marriage.  Maybe all this fantasizing about your ex is merely a symptom of problems within your marriage that need your attention.  If this is the case, look deep within your heart to figure out what’s wrong.  And be brutally honest with yourself.  Now is not the time to sweep your feelings under the rug.

Finally, talk to your man.  If you’ve got problems, then you BOTH have problems.  That’s what marriage is: a partnership through the good and the bad.  Don’t bring up your fantasies about your ex, though.  They have nothing to do with your marital issues and would just hurt your husband unnecessarily.  But otherwise, be honest about how you feel.

The solution to your problem begins and ends with your own analysis of your marriage and your heart.  You need to get to the real reasons behind your fantasies.  If you married the right man, and I suspect you did, then work hard at fixing your marriage.  Once you begin to do the work, seeing your ex in public won’t be a big deal anymore because all your focus will be on the man who has your heart: your husband.

Good luck.

My Inability To Sexually Please My Lady Is Killing Me: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments

Hi Janice, I’m one of your loyal male readers who has been reading your articles since your column first came out. Now,I have my own problem.

I don’t believe in casual sex and only engage in sexual intercourse after a serious commitment. I’ve never had any problems pleasing a woman but my current lady is very prude and doesn’t loosen up and let herself enjoy the moment. Even oral sex – which I give freely – doesn’t get her off.  Her job is pretty “big” and she takes herself pretty seriously – maybe too seriously. She seems happy, and so am I, but this is beginning to affect my ego. I need to get my mojo back.

 Any suggestions? 

 Loyal and humble in Detroit

Dear Humble in Detroit,

First of all, thanks for reading and supporting my column.  I love hearing from my male readers, and really appreciate your honesty.

As far as your issue, you need to understand that your lady’s inability to get off isn’t your fault.  I totally understand how this affects your ego, though.  Everyone wants to believe they are capable of pleasing their partner.  It’s hard not to take it personally when, despite your best efforts, your partner doesn’t achieve the desired “happy ending”.

But trust me when I tell you, the only one standing in the way of your lady reaching paradise is her.  Remember, the biggest and most important sexual organ is the brain.  And it sounds like your lady’s issues begin and end in her head.  Only she can really get to the bottom of what’s keeping her from letting go and enjoying herself.  You can do all the stroking, kissing, licking and sucking you want … but if her head isn’t ready to let go, her body will never get there.

That’s not to say that you can’t help her, though.  You can start by relaxing yourself.  Don’t make such a big deal out of it when she doesn’t climax.  You may not realize this, but your eagerness to please puts a lot of pressure on your lady.  Orgasm isn’t always necessary for sexual enjoyment, especially for women.  If she’s satisfied with the intimacy and closeness of being with you, then let her be.  If she’s capable of having orgasms alone, she’ll eventually get comfortable enough to have them with a lover.  You may just have to be patient.

Also, reassure her of your feelings.  Your lady may need more reassurance that you only engage in sexual intercourse within the confines of a committed relationship.  This may be obvious to you, but she may need to be reminded.  Maybe she doesn’t really believe that you’re committed to her.  She may have trust issues, and your assurance of her place in your life may help overcome those.

Encourage her to talk about her own feelings about sex and relationships.  Her long-held religious or moral beliefs may be interfering with her ability to enjoy sexual activity with a lover.  Without putting too much pressure on her, get her to open up with you about those beliefs.  Just talking about them and knowing that you understand and respect her beliefs might help.

You also have to consider that past trauma or hurt may be affecting her ability to reach orgasm with you.  It may not have been a former lover or partner, it could even be some issues she’s had with male relatives or even her father.  If you suspect this is the case, strongly encourage your lady to seek professional counselling.  She may need help to recover from a horrible past.

The main thing I want you to know is that this is an issue that may not have anything at all to do with you.  She may love you, be turned on by you and enjoy being intimate with you.  But because of her own issues, she just may not be able to climax with you.  You’re not the problem, she is.

So be patient with her and yourself.  And on behalf of women everywhere, thanks for your efforts!

My Boyfriend Feels Inadequate Because I Don’t Orgasm During Intercourse: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice No Comments
inadequacy

Dear Janice,

Just recently, my boyfriend of three years threw me for a loop.  I thought we enjoyed a satisfying sex life, but apparently he disagreed.  His problem:  he’s frustrated that I only orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, not during intercourse!  When I asked him why it mattered as long as we both enjoyed ourselves, he said it made him feel inadequate.  Ever since our conversation, he’s seemed reluctant to make love with me.  What should I do?  Should I start faking orgasms to make him feel better?

Signed,

Not a Faker

*******

Dear Not a Faker,

My first thought when I read your letter was “at least she has a man who cares whether or not she cums”!  Girl, consider yourself blessed to have a man whose heart (and tongue) seems to be in the right place: he’s obviously willing to do whatever you need to achieve orgasms.  However, his feelings of inadequacy just because you don’t orgasm during regular intercourse are misguided.

I can’t tell from your letter why you don’t orgasm during intercourse.  Is it a matter of him finishing a little too quickly?  Could it be that the positions you try don’t allow for enough direct contact with your clitoris?  It’s likely easier for you to achieve orgasm through manual and oral stimulation because of the direct contact with your clitoris.

At any rate, I’d hate to see this issue ruin your three year relationship, especially when it doesn’t have to.  First of all, even though he’s willing to stimulate your clitoris enough to bring you to orgasm manually and orally, I’m not sure your man fully understands the importance of that delicate little organ of yours.  Explain to him (or remind him) that women are blessed with a piece of anatomy whose sole purpose in life is pleasure!

Where the man’s penis is a multi-purpose organ with about 4,000 nerve endings, our glorious clitoris, which only exists for our pleasure, has more than 8,000 nerve endings!  That’s why, for many women, the clitoris can’t be left out of the equation during sex.

You might try positions where your clitoris can be more engaged in the act.  For example, if you get on top and angle your body just so, your clitoris can be stimulated by coming into direct contact with his pelvis.  Or, no matter who’s on top, one or the both of you can also manually stimulate your clitoris during the act, as well.  Experiment and I guarantee you’ll have fun finding ways to make it work for you.

Now, if the issue is that you just need a little more time to orgasm during intercourse, there are other things you can try.  Go online and research cock rings and other devices that help delay ejaculation.  Nowadays you can order just about anything your heart desires online, and it will come directly to your front door in discreet packaging.  There are also natural ways for a man to delay ejaculation involving deep breathing and different positions.  Again, do a little research online.  There’s a wealth of information out there.

Finally, you both need to remember that the female orgasm starts and ends in the woman’s brain.  There could be any number of emotional and psychological reasons why you don’t orgasm during intercourse, and they may have nothing to do with your boyfriend.  Only you can determine that, though.

As far as faking it goes, while I’m all for honesty in relationships, I do believe there are times when it’s okay.  For example, you’ve had a horrible day and have a lot on your mind.  You welcome and enjoy the intimacy of making love with your man, but because of where your head is, an orgasm just ain’t gonna happen.  I mean he could magically turn into Idris Elba and lick you for eight hours, and you still won’t cum!  You don’t want him to feel bad, so you put on a little show and fake it.  In fact, you do such a good job it makes him cum even faster.  Now everybody’s happy and you can get some much needed sleep.  Under those circumstances, it’s okay to fake it.

But to fake it all the time just because your guy insists that you have orgasms during intercourse?  Nah, I don’t recommend it.  That kind of deception will only undermine your relationship and you might come to resent him.  Just try some of my suggestions and reassure him that you’ve been very satisfied with your sex life.  If he still has issues, assume that there are bigger problems afoot.

Good luck!

Help! I’m In Love With My Boss: ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 3 Comments

Dear Janice,

I love your work!

I need your advice. I am in love with my boss! He’s attractive and a really good man. And even though he’s a little older than me, we have so much in common.

But there are differences, too. He’s white and I’m Black. Also, he comes from a completely different religious background than me. I’m not sure we could get past these obstacles.

Sometimes, I think he feels the same way I do. But, I’m not positive. All I know for sure is that I love him and I want to marry him and have his children.

Please help me. How can I get this man?

Thank you.

*****

My Sister,

There’s nothing quite like a workplace crush, is there?  They’re easy to fall into since you see the person every day.  Your crush is your boss, though.  So there are some important things to consider.

First of all, does your job allow workplace romances?  You don’t want to embark upon a relationship that could get you (or him) fired.  Some employers worry about sexual harassment lawsuits, the appearance of favoritism and the like.  Often, they will have policies which prohibit workplace relationships.  Be sure to review your employer’s policy carefully.  These days, any legal and paying job is a good job, and I don’t want you to lose yours.

Even if your employer allows romantic relationships, they still may have prohibitions against supervisor/subordinate relationships.  They can make for very tricky waters.  So even if your workplace allows personal relationships between employees, they may draw the line at relationships where one person is in a position of authority of the other.

Now if your job prohibits boss/employee relationships, it could still work if one of you were to transfer to another position within the company.  For example, if you transfer to a different department where you no longer report directly to him, it could work.  But I’m getting way ahead of myself, here.

Racial and religious differences aside, you need to determine if you both want the same kind of relationship.  He may be interested in you, but is he looking for a wife and mother for his children?  It’s clear from your letter that you want to marry him.  You need to find out the real nature of his “interest” in you.  Is he only interested in friendship?  Or if he’s attracted to you, is it just sexually?  Does he see you as a potential life partner?  If he isn’t interested in the same thing, then it isn’t worth your heart or your job to get involved with this man romantically.

I don’t know either of you well enough to say HOW you can find this out, at first.  However, if he’s given you some indication he might be interested, then maybe you should just be bold and ask him.  Just be prepared to really listen to his answer, though.

If asked, most men are honest about what they want from the relationship at the outset.  The problem is that we women refuse to listen!  He’ll say he isn’t looking for a commitment, but we’ll sleep with him anyway thinking he’ll “fall in love” and change his mind later.  Then we end up heartbroken because we’ve spent however many months or years waiting for him to give us the relationship we want.  And why?  He said from the beginning that he wasn’t interested in a commitment.

It gets worse.  The very same man will often turn around and marry someone else!  You see, when he said he wasn’t looking for a commitment, he meant with you!  So when he turns up married to some chick he’s only known 2 months and they live happily ever after, you’re left bitter and alone, wondering what the hell is wrong with you.  The only thing wrong is that you didn’t hold out for what you wanted.  You settled for less, and that’s what you ended up getting.

I’m not saying this will happen to you.  BUT, you must be clear about what you want from the beginning and, (this is very important to remember) you must LISTEN to what he tells you he wants.  Don’t just hear what you want to hear; hear what he actually says.  And if he doesn’t want what you want (marriage, children) then you need to keep it moving.  It’ll be hard to get over him since you see him every day, but you can do it.

If you can get past the romance in the workplace issues, and if he wants the same kind of relationship as you, then the racial and religious differences can be handled.  Both of you must be honest and open with each other, though.  And you have to be respectful of each other’s beliefs and practices.  You have to present a united front with your friends and family so that they all understand that you are determined to work hard at making your cross-cultural, bi-racial, two-religion relationship a success.  That may mean standing alone against opposition from your loved ones.  None of this will be easy, but it isn’t insurmountable.

I hope this helps.  Good luck to you on your quest for love.  I hope this works out for you!

Janice