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Walmart Doesn’t Want To Talk About The Morning After Pill Available In One Of Its South Carolina Stories

Contraceptives Reproductive Health No Comments

This time SuzyKnew! went south to the Carolina lowcountry looking for emergency contraceptives (EC) . While we would have loved to have visited with our sisters on Gullah Island we were based closer to the mainland on Hilton Head Island and went to the Walmart.

We found two brands of the Morning After Pill in the South Carolina Walmart, Plan B One Step at $46.87 and Gedeon Richter’s generic version Take Action for $34.78. Like the other U.S. pharmacy we visited in Hyattsville, MD (Rite Aid), Walmart had only one of the brands available.  Take Action was on the shelf while the branded EC was stocked out.  And, no Ella, which works better for us curvy (read heavier) ladies of color, but requires a prescription in the U.S. so you can’t see it out in the open. Also like Rite Aid, Walmart did not want to be a part of this video and essentially ran away when the taping started.  Pharmacists and pharmacy workers haven’t been so camera shy in non-U.S. places. In Paris, Lagos, Strasbourg, Zurich and Johannesburg, the pharmacists were curious and didn’t mind being a part of the video.  When I asked questions some saw me taping and actually spoke up so their voices would be captured on tape.

So, don’t get any ideas that pharmacy workers in the U.S. are more comfortable talking about emergency contraceptives than workers in other countries. SuzyKnew!’s experience says that’s just not so…

But, like Rite Aid, Walmart did say they would answer any questions we had.  But, I have to jump in and say I saw teen couples struggling to find emergency contraceptives when I was at Rite Aid and too embarrassed to ask (you know SuzyKnew! helped them out!) where as in overseas pharmacies, you just step right up to the counter – including Johannesburg, Port-au-Prince, Haiti (coming soon) and Cotonou, Benin (coming soon) and the pharmacy people tell you like it is.  Not a lot of privacy though, I have to say…

But, South Carolina’s prices were cheaper – at least at Walmart – than they were in Maryland. That could be a function of the pharmacy chain or the south vs. the north.

SuzyKnew!’s next locale: Haiti!

Photo courtesy of queenquet.com

Rest Well, SWEET PRINCE – A Tribute To Prince For His Birthday, June 7 – By Sophia Ned-James

Opinion 2 Comments

On April 21, 2016 my heart, along with the hearts of millions of others, shattered into a million little pieces.  Our beloved Prince, the innovative musical genius and icon, died suddenly.  That haunting falsetto was silenced forever, those sexy hips would gyrate no more.

Of all the celebrity deaths in recent years, this one hit me hardest.  I’ve been a hard-core Prince fan since his debut album, For You, was released.  It was 1978 and I was a 13-year old Black girl attending an all-white, private suburban Detroit school where I felt keenly out of place most of the time.  The early stages of puberty hit me hard, filling my head with ideas and images that both frightened and excited me.  I was also a precocious reader, devouring “adult” romance novels by the truckload, earmarking the sex scenes to read to my friends, and trying my hardest to understand the changes in my body.

Then, along came Prince and the song “Soft and Wet”.  Back then, I didn’t fully understand the song was about his girl’s pussy.  Not at that tender age, anyway.  But it felt “naughty”, much like the images in my head.  The song struck a chord, and suddenly I didn’t feel so out of place.  What followed was a 38 year love affair with his music, filled with live performances, dozens of albums and a deeper understanding of myself.

It’s significant that Prince came along at the advent of my sexual awakening, piquing my curiosity and titillating my senses.  Through his music, I was exposed to ideas about sexuality, sensuality and spirituality that ultimately shaped my identity as a woman and later, as an erotica writer.

Prince Rogers Nelson (June 7, 1958 – April 21, 2016)

Young Prince

Born June 7, 1958 in Minneapolis, MN, Prince Rogers Nelson was a musical prodigy.  He signed his first record deal with Warner Brothers at the tender age of 18.  Prince would go onto enjoy one of the most successful musical careers in history, eventually putting his hometown on the musical map.  A prolific writer and producer, Prince was also a mogul, developing long-lasting, lucrative careers for other talented musicians.  And his epic battle with Warner Brothers in the 90s, which played out in the public eye and prompted him to give up his own name for a few years, ultimately changed the way the music industry treats its artists.

The man’s influence is undisputed.  He was an icon, a true musical genius.  Artists from all genres and generations clamored to work with him.  He’s written and produced hit songs for some of music’s biggest stars, and won 7 Grammys, a Golden Globe and even an Oscar.  And he’s also a big part of the reason you’re reading these words today.

You see, Prince taught me a lot about sexuality through his lyrics and music.  He gave me permission to be curious, to explore and experiment.  His artistry helped me to reconcile my growing sensual nature with my religious up-bringing, bridging the gap between sexuality and spirituality in a way that made me feel whole and acceptable.  Bottom line: he’s one of the reasons I write about sex.

My parents hated him and his blatant sexual prowess.  Of course, this made me love him more.  Prince made me a rebel, allowing me to expand my horizons within the safe confines of his music.  His posters freaked my father out and made my mom blush, but they gave me a sense of belonging, a place to pour my fantasies without any real risk.

His 2nd album, Prince was released in 1979 and it blew me away.  The song “Bambi” was my introduction to gay sex and love.  This was the 1970s, decades before the internet, Google and Pornhub.  In my little sheltered corner of the world, people didn’t talk much about any kind of sex, much less gay sex.  While I cringe at the anti-lesbian messaging in some of the lyrics today (“Bambi, can’t you understand/ Bambi, it’s better with a man”), back then the mere notion of two women loving each other was revolutionary for me.  It prompted me to ask questions and explore.  And in those days, that meant a lot more than just typing a few words in a search engine.

Whenever I’m Around You, Baby … I Get a Dirty Mind

Prince 2

It was Prince’s 3rd album, Dirty Mind that really rocked my world, though.  My older sister owned the album and I blatantly stole it from her.  Without remorse.  Without apology.  Without hesitation.  I took it.

You see, this was the album through which my burgeoning sexuality was really brought into focus.  If his first 2 albums were my introduction to sex and sensuality, Dirty Mind was my Master’s Class!

The opening beats of the title song still make my heart race.  I can’t help but bob my head, tap my feet and sing along when I hear it.  Prince put into words all the “dirty” thoughts swirling about in my adolescent imagination.  Then he set those words to a blazing hot beat that still makes me squirm in my seat to this day.

But it’s “Head”, that funky, up-tempo ode to oral sex that was the real revelation!  Here was this tiny little half-naked man bellowing “Morning, noon and night I’ll give you HEAD”!  Man, I was hooked!  Those lyrics, that baseline, that beat all came together to give women permission to want, request and enjoy oral pleasure.  Hell yes!

And that’s the genius of how Prince wrote about sex.  He was this virile, hyper-sexual man writing and singing about women who were unafraid to ask for what they want in bed.  It wasn’t just about the man’s pleasure, anymore.  It wasn’t just about the man’s sex drive.  Prince’s woman, in song anyway, brazenly asks for what she wants (“I must confess, I wanna get undressed and go to bed”).  And Prince, with his diminutive, falsetto little self, is all too happy to give it to her.

“I Just Can’t Believe All the Things People Say”

I can go on and on about those early albums and my sexual development.  There was “Do Me, Baby” from the wildly successful Controversy album (released in 1981).  Not only did we hear Prince simulate an erotic scene which ends with one of the best recorded orgasms in history, but it’s also the song to which many of my contemporaries lost their virginity.  And yes, my friends and I can still sing along with every single moan, sigh and gasp to this very day!

“Sexuality” from the same album became another anthem during my blossoming adolescence.  He says it plainly with this lyric – “Sexuality is all we’ll ever need”.  Yes, my dirty little mind screamed!  Prince gets me!

Following 1999’s “International Lover” (released in 1982), no real Prince fan can listen to a pilot’s announcements on a plane with a straight face ever again.  Especially when they tell us “your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device”.  And don’t even get me started on the aggressive sexuality of “Lady Cabdriver” and “Let’s Pretend We’re Married”.  In the latter, he says “I sincerely want to fuck the taste out your mouth”, and I ain’t been right since.

Prince_with_purple_cape

“I’m in love with God, that’s the Only Way”

I could do this forever, taking you through every single sexually-oriented song and drawing parallels to my own sexual development.  Suffice it to say that Prince’s straight-forward lyrics about embracing our sexuality played a huge role in creating the woman I am today.

But I’d be remiss in not speaking to Prince’s ability to connect the sexual with the spiritual, which was truly genius of him given the era during which his career took flight.  The year was 1984 and the album and movie that would launch Prince into the stratosphere, Purple Rain, was released.  The AIDS epidemic had exploded and was quickly going from a gay, white man’s disease to a worldwide crisis.

In the US, political conservatives were evolving into the GOP we know today, thanks to Ronald Reagan and the enormous push-back from the women’s movement of the previous decade.  The free loving 70s had given way to the greedy, consumer-driven 80s, and ironically, religious fervor was on the rise.

And here was Prince, brazenly sexual, pushing boundaries, not caring if anyone thought he was Black, white, straight or gay.  He had the nerve to sing about God and spirituality in the same straightforward manner, mixing religious iconography and erotica effortlessly.  From “Annie Christian” to “God” and so many other songs, Prince touched upon spiritual themes throughout his long career.

Prince taught me that my sexuality wasn’t diametrically opposed to my Christian upbringing.  He taught me that my sexual curiosity was connected to my spirituality; that I could love God and good sex, and not burn in Hell for it.  He took the shame of my precocious sexual nature and re-cast it as a spiritual awakening, and I’ll always love and appreciate him for that.  I know of no other artist, from any generation, who had the ability to connect sex and religion in such a beautiful and reverent way.

Prince_with_cane

Sometimes It Rains In April

I was a precocious little girl with a wild imagination and raging hormones when Prince burst on the scene all those years ago.  His music and lyrics gave my innermost feelings and desires a slammin’ sound with a funky backbeat.  He made it easy for me to feel comfortable in my own skin, and gave voice to all the thoughts and fantasies swirling around in my adolescent brain.

Prince provided the backbeat and baseline for the soundtrack of my youth.  His lyrics were the syllabus for my sexual education, and the balm I needed when I felt out of place.  Listening to Prince allowed me to shed the shame of my desires and cloak myself in the confidence it would take for me to pursue my passion.  I wasn’t alone when I listened to Prince.  I wasn’t strange or weird or a freak … I was a woman, spiritual and sexual and blessed.  I’ll always love him for that.

Sleep well, sweet Prince.  You’ve earned your rest.  I hate that your life ended the way it did: fighting the pain that so many years of vigorous entertaining caused.  I pray you know how much you were loved and are loved, still.  Happy Birthday in Heaven.

~Sophia

Old Flame, New Beard – SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia 8 Comments

Last night I broke The Women’s Sexual Code of Conduct Rule #46, Section F, Sub-Section ii: Never, EVER, hook up with an ex who broke your heart!  Because even if you hit it and manage to escape with your heart intact, you’re STILL gonna regret it later.

Now I can always justify even the most random sexual encounters, as long as they’re consensual.  But getting back into bed with someone who already broke your heart?  Even I can’t justify doing that.

Well, I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but last night I hooked up with a guy who broke my heart years ago.

“What Had Happened Was …”

Not that I’m making excuses (okay, maybe I am), but this whole thing only happened because of a new beard and brown liquor!

I’d just finished a very productive meeting with a client at a new downtown bistro, during which I’d abstained from alcohol.  I’d learned the hard way not to mix drinking with business, but that’s another story for another day.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty good about myself after my client left, so I decided to stay and treat myself to a slice of Key Lime pie.  What I didn’t realize was that my ex-boyfriend Dante* had been sitting at the bar the entire time.

Dante’s not his real name, of course.  But it’s the name I have him listed under on my phone, even though I know damn well I need to delete his triflin’ ass.  Think Dante’s Inferno.  Now picture whatever you imagine Hell to be.  That was my life with this guy.  I went thru Hell with him.  Then I went thru Hell trying to get over him!  But that was a long time ago.  I’ve run into him a handful of times over the years, and while I doubt we’ll ever be friends, we’re at least cordial.

So there I was, eagerly anticipating my pie, when Dante walks up to me and says “Hi, Sophia.”

Yeah, I was surprised to see him.  But what had me sitting there, a forkful of pie halfway to my open mouth, looking like an idiot for I don’t know how many seconds was Dante’s beard!

Dante’s a nice enough looking guy.  He may be an asshole, but he is handsome in that clean-cut, looks-like-the-kind-of-guy-your-mom-would-want-you-to-marry kind of way.  But in all the years I’d known him, he’d always been clean-shaven.

Well, now he has a face full of hair!  And it looks really good on him!

When I recovered from the shock of seeing him, I did the polite thing and asked him join me.  I didn’t think he’d accept though, convinced he’d do the polite thing and decline.

But, Dante sat his ass down and ordered me my favorite drink: Jack and Diet Coke.  (Don’t judge.  I honestly like the way it tastes.)

Old_Flame_beard_side

That beard, tho!

I don’t know if it was my good mood, the sugar rush from the pie or the calming effect of whiskey, but I found myself actually enjoying Dante’s company for the first time in many years.  He’s naturally charming, and if you ignore the deplorable way he treated me years ago, he’s fun company.

I was halfway through my second drink when I found myself obsessing about his beard and how it would feel against my thighs … which, of course, got me remembering how good he was at giving head.

Dante’s tongue game was always strong.  He knew it, too.  He was cocky about it, and with good reason.  Dude ate pussy like a champ.  He was so good that even now, if I’m struggling to cum, I’ll conjure up memories of him down there doing his thing to help me get there.

So, he’s talking and I’m staring at his beard, trying to calculate exactly how I’d position my thighs to best feel the tickle of those thick, coarse whiskers.  And I’m drinking and getting hornier by the second. Of course it doesn’t take long for Dante to pick up on my mood.

“Whatchu thinking about, with that naughty look on your face?”

I’m thinking about “what that mouf do” and about that sexy-ass beard, I thought to myself.  But he already knew.

Less than 10 minutes later, I’m in my car, following him to his house, where he has more Jack Daniels.  And a bed.

Look.  I knew when I got in my car that I had no business messing around with Dante again.  Not that I was worried about getting my heart broken … that wasn’t going to happen, because what I wanted from Dante had nothing to do with my heart or his.

Besides, my heart is spoken for … kind of.  Remember Royce**?  My boyfriend?  Well, we’re sort of on a “break”.  Again, that’s a story for another day.  Suffice it to say, I wasn’t technically cheating on Royce. Royce is still Bae.

Anyway, I’m over Dante.  He no longer has any power to hurt me.  However, he may not see it that way, since I was currently driving 80 mph on I-75 for a chance to ride his face again.  The thought of what this was doing to his already huge ego was almost enough to make me turn around and take my ass home.

Almost.

Dude can really eat some pussy.  Plus, the beard.

More Liquor (or “Lick Her”)!

Why bother with pretense and pleasantries when we both knew why I was there?  Dante grabbed two glasses and a fifth of Jack from his bar.  I grabbed the ice bucket, and we headed straight to his bedroom.  He’d redecorated since I was last there, so to make small talk, I complimented him on his new furniture.

But that thick, kinky thigh tickler had me thinking all the nasty thoughts!  Two strong, but quick drinks later, I was grinding on that sexy beard like a maniac.  It felt damn good, too!  Holding on to the headboard as I rode his face, I kept my thighs opened just wide enough for the hair on his face to gently scratch me.  Sometimes I’d grind harder, and my legs would automatically open wider.  But then I slowed down so I could feel his beard again.

Between those prickly whiskers and that brilliant mouth of his, I came twice in mere minutes, and was immediately ready to leave!  But, knowing that would be rude and genuinely grateful for the orgasms, I did the right thing and reciprocated, sucking his mediocre dick like the cool chick I am.  Thankfully he also finished quickly.

And here’s where the regret kicked in … one look at that cocky, satisfied look on Dante’s face and I wanted to erase the last hour!  I could tell that he thought I was still into him and that this latest escapade was a “win” for him.  And as much as I wanted to make it perfectly clear that for me, it was all about that beard and too much brown liquor, I didn’t even have the energy play that game.  It mattered that little to me.

To add insult to injury, I was too tipsy to drive.  So now I was stuck at this arrogant jerk’s house for at least a couple of hours and he really thinks I’m feeling him.  Ugh!

Well, it didn’t make sense to waste a perfectly good beard and tongue, so after a few minutes of rest and awkward small talk, I climbed right back up on Dante’s face!  I figured hey, if I gotta endure dude’s company until the whiskey wears off, I might as well get something out of it!

Was I wrong, though?  Anyway, Rule #46 still stands: stay away from guys who’ve hurt you in the past.

Still, beards.

 

Photo Credits:  Instagram.com and juergenland.tumblr.com

*Again, not his government name, but it’s the perfect pseudonym for this dude.

**Also not his government name. 

How To Stop Premenstrual Spotting With Dr. Lara Briden By Holly Grigg-Spall

Reproductive Health No Comments

In honor of May 28 Menstrual Hygiene Awareness Day, SuzyKnew! shares an article by Holly Grigg-Spall with Dr. Lara Briden, known as the “Menstruation Mechanic”

Dear Menstruation Mechanic, Lara Briden,

“I’ve had 7-9 days of premenstrual spotting since some stress a few months ago. My cycle also shortened to 23 days. I tried magnesium, which reduced the spotting and brought my cycle back out to 26 days, but now on my third cycle with magnesium the spotting is back. What’s causing this? Should I be more patient with the magnesium or try something else like vitex or bio-identical progesterone? … Cathrine”

***

Dear Cathrine,

Great question about premenstrual spotting.

First I’ll discuss spotting in general, or as your gynecologist likes to call it: Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding (DUB).

Bleeding between periods can occur for a number of different reasons. Light bleeding with ovulation is the result of a slight drop in estrogen, and is normal. Bleeding throughout the month and after sex can be due to an infection or a condition called endometriosis. It’s something to see your doctor about, especially if you also notice pain with sex. Bleeding throughout the month can occur with a hormonal condition called polycystic hormone syndrome (PCOS), and is also something to get checked out. Finally, spotting can be an early sign of a pregnancy or miscarriage.

Spotting between pill bleeds is called “breakthrough bleeding” and is something completely different. It’s nothing to do with your own hormones (remember, hormonal birth control switches off your body’s own hormones). Instead, breakthrough bleeding is the result of an incorrect dosage of whichever synthetic steroid combination your doctor gave you, and may need to be adjusted. Bleeding is also common during the few months after the insertion of an intrauterine device (IUD).

But Cathrine, your question is about premenstrual spotting, which is none of those things.

From the perspective of conventional medicine, a few days of premenstrual spotting is normal, and is viewed simply as a gradual start to a menstrual bleed. From a functional medicine (optimal health) perspective, premenstrual spotting is not ideal. It means your uterine lining is shedding early because there  has not been enough progesterone to hold it all the way to the end of your luteal phase (post-ovulation phase).

You also noticed a shortened cycle. It would be interesting to know if it was your luteal phase that had shortened, and furthermore, if your basal body temperatures dipped in your luteal phase. Those things, and the fact that you spot for so long (7-9 days), are all further evidence of a progesterone deficiency.

Progesterone deficiency can be the result of stress, as you found. It happens because 1) stress impairs the quality of ovulation (remember, ovulation is how you make progesterone), and 2) stress causes your body to “steal” progesterone to make more stress hormone cortisol.

The solution is to reduce stress as much as possible and to take magnesium to regulate your stress regulatory system (also called the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal or HPA axis). You had some results from that, which is great.

The fact that your spotting improved, but then returned suggests that something else might be going on. One of the most common reasons for progesterone deficiency and protracted premenstrual spotting is underactive thyroid. I discuss underactive thyroid as a cause of premenstrual spotting in Rachel’s patient story in Chapter 5 of my book. It would be worth asking your doctor for a thyroid test, especially if you’ve noticed any other symptoms of underactive thyroid such as hair loss and dry skin.

If your thyroid is normal, then Yes, you could consider the herbal medicine Vitex to boost progesterone, or even a few months on a natural progesterone cream. Please speak to your doctor or naturopathic doctor before using progesterone. (More about progesterone cream in a future installment!)

****

Holly Grigg-Spall

Marketing Consultant and Blog Editor

When she came off the birth control pill after 10 years in 2009, Holly decided to write a blog about the experience. That blog became a series of articles, and then book, “Sweetening the Pill,” which then inspired a feature documentary, currently in production and executive produced by Ricki Lake. She is a fertility awareness and body literacy advocate and educator, a Daysy enthusiast, and excited to help more women come off the birth control pill and find a natural, effective alternative.

holly.grigg-spall@valley-electronics.com

Photo Credit: 360nobs.com, Tracthetrailher.com

Yes, I’m Fragile! Guest Blogger Lillian Ogbogoh

Opinion 2 Comments
Lillian Ogbogoh

Everywhere we turn as women today the virtues of the strong woman are being applauded. From social media memes celebrating the woman who wakes up and moves mountains, she has the eye of Tiger and you hear her roar. And if you know me I am the biggest fan of women owning their voice and carving out her queendom but what if you are feeling less than your wonder woman self?

What if your Tiger’s roar is more of a kitten’s purr? You have experienced some life battering that has left you feeling the F word…. I mean fragile! Shock horror that you actually acknowledge it let alone admit it.  In a daily newspaper in the UK, the illustrious actress Helena Bonham- Carter did just that. She admitted that her divorce left her feeling fragile and not herself, now this sparked off an amazing conversation with a dear friend who we shall call the Fabulous J. which dialed down to this we as women still struggle with the admission of feeling fragile or lost in our lives, there is some odd myth floating about that we are meant to just bounce back from whatever life throws at us while doing the dirt of our shoulder gesture from Jay-Z…… I wonder if he managed that after Lemonade came out but I digress.

You know what it is okay to be fragile to take a moment to feel the loss, the pain, the anger, the grief whatever it is you are feeling in that moment because it is your god given right as an emotionally being to feel and experience your emotions and to deny them only sets you up for a bigger fall down the road. Because all you will be doing is distracting yourself by various means to deny what is going on inside of you and when you deny yourself the freedom to experience those less than stellar emotions, we rob ourselves of the ability to relish in joy, excitement, bliss and even love.

So sometimes it is absolutely necessary to take a moment to own 100% of what you are feeling and if you feel fragile and bruised because some life event left you feeling not yourself. It is unequivocally okay to take the time to heal, as that time allows for introspection and lessons learned making room for you to see the good that can come from that shattering experience.  So here are three tips to help you deal when the sign you are wearing reads “Fragile handle with care!”

                                                             Have the right people to pick up the pieces

During your fragile moments, you are going to need the right people in your corner, be it your blood family, your non-blood family, your BFF or that partner who will let you cry it out, talk it out, while being there for you without judgments and reminding you of who you really and reflecting back to you the magnificence that is you.

                                                            Apply Compassion liberally

Going through the fragile phase is really like the caterpillar going through its pupa stage on its journey to become a butterfly. It wraps its self in silk and, allows the transformation to happen- Imagine if you will that compassion is your silk. Use as directed by your physician, you are not feeling yourself, so what better time to treat yourself like you would your own bestie? This is not the time to berate oneself. Rather, a time to take ownership of one’s actions, feelings and accept them for what they are and let go.  When you find that you are going to that hard on yourself zone, just remember, to apply the soothing balm of compassion. And, if you feel especially cracked and fragile remember that the Japanese have an entire art form around the beauty from things that have been cracked known as Kintsugi. “Kintsugi uses lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver, platinum, copper or bronze, resulting into something more beautiful than the original[1].”

                                                           Feel what you are feeling!

When we are feeling this sense or fragility and I do mean we, there is a feeling of unease. We feel vulnerable, exposed and like china breakable. For most of us, the normal reaction is to pretend the feeling is not there, to run and hide, deflect or distract. According to Brené Brown, these are called our vulnerable moments and, our jobs are to face and embrace the feeling without shifting or distracting. Because by doing we would allow ourselves to experience the joy on the other side of that fragile vulnerable feeling you may be struggling with at this point.

Just know you are not alone with the F feeling. There are people ready in your life for you to put up your hands and say enough, I need to build a pillow fort and hang up the sign that reads I am not myself today, I am fragile right now!

 

www.twitter.com/lillianogbogoh

www.bornforthisjourney.com

 

[1] Definition of Kintsugi http://www.amusingplanet.com/2014/05/kintsugi-japanese-art-of-fixing-broken.html

I Want To Get Married But Can’t Give Up My Boo ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Dear JANICE,

I’m 23 years old and currently in a relationship with a great guy.  We’ve been together for just over a year, now.  He’s a hard-working, thoughtful, God-fearing man who’s very good to me.  My family loves him.  My friends love him.  I love him! 

The problem is that I have a friend-with-benefits I just can’t seem to shake.  We don’t see each other often because he only comes to town about four times a year.  But when we do see each other, sparks fly.  I must admit we have (secretly) slept together twice since I started dating my boyfriend.  I didn’t plan on doing it.  It just happened.  I felt terrible and swore to myself I’d never do it again.  But I keep going back every time he calls me.

I have a feeling my boyfriend is going to propose soon.  I want to say yes, but am afraid I’ll cheat on him when my “friend” comes back to town.  What should I do?  Should I admit what I’ve done to my boyfriend and risk losing him forever?  Or worse, break his heart? 

Please help!

Signed,

Tempted in Texas

****

Dear Tempted,

Let’s take some time to really unpack what’s going on, here.  First of all, you slept with your “friend” on TWO occasions since being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend.  You say you didn’t plan on doing it and that it “just happened”.  I might buy that explanation for the first time you cheated with him.  I mean, who among us hasn’t had the occasional “oops” moment of transgression.

But you did it TWICE.  That second time didn’t “just happen”, Girl.  That second time you knew exactly what you were doing, and you did it anyway.  You need to own that, Sis.  You need to admit to yourself that you saw your “friend’ that second time with every intention of sleeping with him again, and you did it.  So own it.  .

Now, to your boyfriend.  Taking your “friend” out of the equation for the moment, I do believe you when you say you love your boyfriend.  You’re clearly aware of all the things he brings to the table: he’s a hard-working, God-fearing man who’s good to you and is loved by your family and friends.

But are you IN love with him, really?  Do you really love him enough to marry him?  Is he the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

You need to ask yourself these questions and be brutally honest when you answer them.  Because if your boyfriend is truly the man you’re destined to align your life with forever, forsaking all others, then you need to act accordingly.  Are you ready to do that?

I suspect what’s really happening is you’re just not ready to settle down with one man.  And that’s okay.  You’re only 23!  If you’re hooking up with your “friend” while committed to your boyfriend, you’re clearly not ready for that level of commitment.

You said yourself that you’re afraid you’ll cheat on your boyfriend again.  I may be reading between the lines here, but it sounds like you’re already planning to do it.  And if that’s the case, then you need to do the right thing and talk to your boyfriend about your relationship.  You need to tell him that you’re just not ready for the commitment he seeks.  That doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship … but you probably should change the terms of your relationship so that nobody gets hurt.  Just be honest.

But, if you really believe that you can give yourself fully to your boyfriend and ONLY your boyfriend, then you know exactly what you need to do: immediately cease any and all contact with your “friend” and let him become a fond memory.  Don’t take his calls.  Don’t answer his texts.  Delete him from your social media.  Just let him go and move forward.

Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself.  Life’s too short to be anything but honest, especially with yourself.

Good luck.

 

Dr. Drai: Learn 7 “NEW” Things You Need To Know About Cervical Cancer

Ask an OBGYN 2 Comments

Hi #GYNEGirls, #Preggos, & #GENTs! It’s ME again Dr. Drai- your FAV OBGYN. Hunni I’ve been busy filming more “Medical T” (TIPs) videos- 5 to be exact. All for my gurls of course. They are F-U-N-N-Y. Even I crack up when watching them. Be on the lookout #GYNEGirls; Dr. Drai will be releasing them SOON. YEA!!! As always Dr. Drai STILL has been busy WERKing IT in the office chile. You know Dr. Drai has been traveling the country taking care of women in need. He may be in a city near you. Keep watching… I did slow down on doing media interviews for the holidays. I had a HORRIBLE “BUG” which meant my body was telling me to SLOW the hell down. Dr. Drai listened AND I’m ALL better now. Dr. Drai wanted to personally start this year out by saying THANK YOU THANK you thank you. You ladies (and fellas) have been supporting me since the beginning…Started from the bottom NOW we here started from the bottom NOW my whole teams here. LOL! DrDrai.com has been here for 2 1/2 years. WOW! Now let’s get to the EDUCATIONAL purpose of this blog post. WINK! You know I’m a teacher at heart. DOCTOR means “To TEACH” in Latin.

The cervix is the lower, narrow end of the uterus. The cervix connects the vagina to the upper part of the uterus. Before the PAP smear was invented #GYNEGirls, cervical cancer was the most common gynecologic cancer in the world. Currently, there are about 12,000 new cases of cervical cancer each year AND about 4,000 women will die each year.These stats make me sad #GYNEGirls. The worst part is that the average age of diagnosis is only 42 years old. That is too young to worry about dying. In the United States, Hispanic women are most likely to get cervical cancer, followed by African-Americans, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and whites. American Indians and Alaskan natives have the lowest risk of cervical cancer in this country. Read below to learn 7 facts that you definitely need to know about cervical cancer. Maybe this post will save a life…Keep reading!

  1. You can get cervical cancer from a STI. Have you heard of the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV)? HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection. It is the main cause of cervical cancer. Ladies-when a raw penis that is infected with HPV touches your cervix, you will contract this virus. Fellas- this goes for you too. If a cervix has HPV on it and you touch it with your raw penis, you will contract the virus. #GYNEGirls- please have safe sex i.e. use condoms always!
  2. The HPV vaccine protects you against cervical cancer. First of all there are MANY different types of HPV; some cause cancer while other types don’t. There are three vaccines on the market- Gardasil, Gardasil 9, and Cervirax. These vaccines target the cancer-causing HPV in your body. Gardasil is for both #GYNEGirls and #GENTs, while Cervirax is only for #GYNEGirls. These vaccines also can be given to girls as young as 9 years of age. Gardasil 9 protects against HPV types 6, 11, 16, 18, 31, 33, 45, 52, and 58. Gardasil protects against HPV types 6, 11, 16, and 18. Cervarix protects women and girls against HPV types 16 and 18. Get vaccinated ladies! Dr. Drai did.
  3. A PAP smear is our best screening tool. Screening just means a way to see if you are at risk. Our guidelines have changed drastically #GYNEGirls. Check out my post called PAP Smear Problems for a full update. At age 21, doctors start performing PAP smears.
    1. Ages 21-29: Cytology alone every 3 years
    2. Ages 30-65: Cytology alone every 3 years OR Cytology and HPV cotesting every 5 years 
    3. Age > 65: Discontinue performing PAP smears if she has had 3 or more consecutive normal smears in the preceding 10 years 
      1. Women who have had TOTAL hysterectomies for benign disease: Discontinue performing PAP smears 
      2. Women with a history of CIN 2, CIN 3 or adenocarcinoma in situ should continue routine age-based screening for at least 20 years. 
  4. A Colposcopy is done if your PAP Smear is abnormal. Colposcopy is a fancy word for looking at your cervix through a long microscope; it’s a more definite way to see if you have cervical cancer especially if a biopsy (piece) of the cervix was done. Let me just say this; Just because you have to have a “Colpo” DOESN’T mean you have cancer. RELAX!
  5. Early stage cervical cancer has no symptoms; late stage symptoms include vaginal bleeding after sex, vaginal discharge, and back pain. That’s why it’s so important to get your PAP smear, get vaccinated, and have safe sex.
  6. Having sex at an early age, having HIV, smoking cigarettes, having given birth to 3 or more kids, taking birth control pills for more than 5 years, or having multiple sexual partners increases your risk of getting cervical cancer. Talk to your daughters (AND SONS).
  7. If you are diagnosed with cervical cancer, a gynecologic oncologist will work with you to create a treatment plan. These doctors have been trained to treat cancers of the female reproductive tract. The treatment of cervical cancer ranges from a LEEP (removing part of the cervix), radical hysterectomy, &/or chemotherapy/radiation.

Basically #GYNEGirls, #Preggos, & #GENTs cervical cancer is PREVENTABLE. You need to keep up with your appointments to get your PAP smear, get vaccinated with the HPV vaccine, use condoms always, and stop smoking. I hope you have learned something. Share this post with a friend. #TealsTheDeal. Until next time…

OTHER POSTS YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT…

Are There Risks In Getting Labiaplasty? Is It Like Female Genital Mutilation? ASK AN OBGYN

Ask an OBGYN 1 Comment

Dear SuzyKnew!,  

Some of my friends are talking about getting a little nip and tuck on their vaginas.  They say that it will get rid of that extra skin.  Does it work and are there any risks?

****

Dear Reader,

The surgery they are likely talking about is called Labiaplasty, which is the surgical altering the labia minora (some call them the little “lips” inside)  and/or the labia majora (the outside big “lips”).   There are very few medically indicated reasons for this surgery, and I’m willing to bet if they are talking about it casually, then it’s a cosmetic surgery, not to treat a medical problem.

A cosmetic surgery on your vagina is absolutely unnecessary, has no health benefits, and yes, it carries risks. The labia are full of nerve endings and the specific risks associated with Labiaplasty are:  pain during intercourse, numbness, diminished or lost sexual sensation, and scarring.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists issued guidance to their doctors instructing them to consul women and girls to NOT have cosmetic surgery on their external genitalia.  This is in response to an increase in its popularity- in the U.S. the procedure increased by 16% in 2015.   ACOG is particularly concerned about the procedure’s increased popularity in adolescent girls.

Where is the desire to alter our vaginas coming from?  One theory is that the readily availability of images on the Internet that show waxed and airbrushed vaginas are warping our view of what a normal vagina looks like.   A belief that there is an ideal image of the vagina may be affecting young girls the most.   If girls develop an unrealistic idea of what a vagina looks like, they may be disappointed in the reality of their own body as they develop and change with age and life events such as childbirth.

It’s important for all women and men to know that there is huge variability in the anatomy of a vagina, and that there are many versions of normal.   If a girl is only looking at her own vagina and compares that to a model in an airbrushed photo, then she may feel less beautiful or even abnormal.  Boys and men who look at vaginas on porn sites are getting an altered view and may be surprised or even disappointed when they meet up with the real thing.

One could argue that Labiaplasty which is increasing in popularity in developed countries like the United States, the UK, or Australia, has another name- Female Genital Mutilation.    FGM describes a surgical procedure altering the vagina and surrounding healthy tissue and is practiced in many developing countries.  The World Health Organization and global human rights organizations have aggressive campaigns to educate women and their communities about the dangers of the procedure and view it as a violation of human rights and an extreme form of discrimination against women.  Despite this, FGM is still practiced in many countries and is part of a cultural tradition.   We should be asking ourselves- how is a medically unnecessary cosmetic procedure like Labiaplasty any different?

There are some cases when there is a medical indication for Labiaplasty.  Some women experience severe discomfort, difficulty with urination and chronic urinary tract infections from abnormally large labia.  However, this is rare condition.

Here is a great video from an Australian news agency on Labiaplasty that shows the procedure and the issues I’ve raised here.

Take care.

 

Prince: Christian And Sex-Positive – ASK A SEX THERAPIST

Love and Sex Religion 2 Comments

When I first heard there was a death at Paisley Park, my heart immediately sank. I instinctively knew it was Prince, but didn’t want to believe it. When it was confirmed that he had indeed passed away, I had to take a moment and attempt to let it sink in. It still hasn’t fully.

I grew up in a musical household. We were exposed to soul and jazz at an early age, learning to harmonize in the car because, sometimes, the radio was broken. As a child, I probably knew more about Phoebe Snow than other kids on the playground, but I was good with that. And then one day, my father brought home a record and showed it to my older sister. He told her to read the credits where she saw that The Artist, Prince, was responsible for playing each instrument and singing each lyric on the album. She was hooked. As a little sister, I was just excited to follow along in her new fondness.

I was first introduced to Prince through the movie, Purple Rain. I really didn’t know what was going on, but I knew that I liked the music scenes. I laughed at the antics of Morris and Jerome and loved to watch Prince. He was electric on stage. As kids, we’d reenact the concert scenes where I was Lisa, playing the ironing board as a keyboard, my sister was Wendy jamming on her broom/guitar, and my cousin (who’s really more like my big brother) was Prince, rocking out on the mop. We’d often just put on the record and jam, like we were really doing something, singing and “playing” away.

As I got older, I started to notice how Prince’s lyrics often had Christian themes. I Would Die 4 U literally blew my mind with how he talked about love and redemption. …but on the other side of the album was Darling Nikki which remains one of my karaoke standbys. But even right after Darling Nikki was the backwards song that talked about eschatology. As a kid, I was both confused and intrigued.

Prince was able to be openly Christian and sex positive. He often sang about sex and sexuality from a perspective of pleasure in a world where those two topics don’t often meet. Although I come from a family where we still have open conversations about sex and sexuality, I think Prince helped me realize that you don’t have to abandon religion to appreciate sex. Dare I say that Prince’s influence enabled me to be the “Christian Sex Maven”? I would have probably still become a sex therapist, but without Prince’s music, the process would not have been as fluid.

Prince made it cool for me to ascribe to Christian beliefs and be my flawed, dynamic, talented self. His influence on my work and approach is far-reaching. From my desire to play several instruments and score music in high school to my interest in sexuality, he opened my eyes to a new world where I as a black girl could defy the expectations of others and just be myself.

Since Prince transitioned, I decided to actively avoid the song, Sometimes It Snows in April. I knew that once I heard the first chord, tears would probably fall. However, I wasn’t expecting to cry when I heard Adore on April 22nd. It’s one of my favorite songs for many reasons and I think it made me realize how much Prince means to me. I grew up listening to his music and can mark different triumphs and tribulations in my life by Prince albums. And now, the fact that he’s gone from this plane makes me incredibly sad that we’re no longer breathing the same air or seeing the same sky. However, I’m eternally grateful for his influence on my life and work and will hope to live to see the dawn.

Trump And The Black Woman’s “Wherever”

Opinion 11 Comments

Yes, Ladies. It’s time to face the new reality: The Donald – yes, Donald Trump – could become the next president of the United States. And, we need to know what he’s thinking when it comes to women of color and reproductive health so we can be prepared.

Ever since The Donald attacked Megyn Kelly after the first GOP debate saying “You could see she had blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her ‘wherever,'”  lots has been written about Donald Trump’s views on women and the female anatomy.  The feud with Megyn Kelly was only the beginning of the venom The Donald has been spewing against women and minorities since the start of the Republican primaries. This has caused an onslaught of spoofs, commentaries and thought pieces about Donald’s views on women and possible Trump policies on women’s health.

Late last year when Trump kept referring to women’s genitalia and became defensive about saying “vagina,” a few smart alack YouTubers produced videos with Trump saying vagina a million times. Trump’s tough bombastic talk and dubious comments about women prompted a spoofer to produce a clip on Trumpax: Make Your Vagina Great Again.  Although Trump has insulted women on numerous occasions and loves to refer to the vajayjay, he hasn’t said a lot specifically about women’s reproductive health issues. Essence magazine has done several pieces on what a Trump Presidency would mean for Black Women more from an economic perspective.

Before becoming the sole candidate remaining in the Republican race, as he got closer to the 1,237 delegates needed to win the Republican nomination, The Donald started changing his tune towards blacks and in an interview with REVOLT in late April claims he will win the black vote, especially the black youth vote.

There are Black women who support Trump. If you can suppress your anger at the shuckin’ and jivin’ of Diamond and Silk, you may be able to chuckle and shake your head a little at their antics.  But, the Colombian woman who can’t contain her joy over Trump is embarrassing. And even though supportive Blacks, Muslims and Latinos get jumped and beat up when they go to Trump rallies to show their love, they continue to stand up for their man Trump, including Muslim women.

And, there are more thoughtful, abeit controversial, pieces out there in YouTube land explaining how Trump could get a sizable number of Black votes to make him the next president.

https://youtu.be/nThL9AWL2MU

But, many  women – both of color and plain vanilla – will remember one of Trump’s few statements about women’s reproductive health when he said women who get abortions should be punished. Although abortions have declined since the advent of Roe vs. Wade, Black women are 5 times more likely to have an abortion than White women, and Latina women twice as likely. The Donald as Commander and Chief would make women of color very vulnerable. Last month, Trump lashed out against Hillary Clinton saying if she were a man she would only get 5% of the vote.  This is after he accused Hillary of not being strong enough to be president or having the stamina it takes. This is code for saying women are unqualified to do a lot of things – like being president. And if The Donald is talking this way about White women, SuzyKnew! doesn’t have to explain to you what he’s thinking about Black women and other minority women. Do we?

But, there was a big outcry against Donald saying women who have abortions should be punished. Women pushed back. Trump was forced to reverse his statement. It was clear Trump didn’t know what he was talking about and hadn’t gotten the memo. So, if there is a Trump presidency, it will be up to us – women of color; non-minority women; all women – to push back, show we are a force to be reckoned with and demand respect, reproductive rights, and our rightful place in America.

Photo courtesy of The Boston Globe.