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SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA: Our Crushes

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By Sophia Ned-James

Let’s be honest, ladies.  Not every encounter with a coveted “crush” ends well.  Sometimes we build these guys up in our minds into the men of our childhood fairytales: a dashing Prince Charming with whom we’ll live happily ever after with just one kiss.  Our expectations are often ridiculously high – too high for any mortal man to reach.  And that’s why sometimes, it’s best if we just let our “crushes” remain just what they are: figments of our over-active imaginations.

Because often, even when we’re lucky enough to “get” our crushes, we end up disappointed.  How could we not be?  No one could possibly live up to the impossibly high standards we’ve set in our own minds.  And even when it isn’t a matter of expectation vs. reality, sometimes the guy just doesn’t measure up to even the most basic standards.

Has that ever happened to you?  You’ve been lusting after a guy because he seems perfect for you.  But you only know him from a distance or as a friend, so you can’t really get a read on how he’ll be romantically.  So you fantasize about him, creating different scenarios where you end up together, dreaming about what your kids will look like.  At the very least, you spend way too much time picturing all kinds of steamy, sexy encounters where he ravishes you with his enormous … um, equipment!

And then somehow … maybe by luck or some superior maneuvering on your part … you get your shot with him.  And you’re totally devastated to learn that he’s a horrible kisser with slimy hands and a teeny weeny … weeny!  Or he’s an immature jerk, or emotionally unavailable … you can pretty much insert any disappointing scenario, here.

Ugh!  What a letdown, right?  All that wasted time and energy, all those long nights fantasizing about him, and for what?  A great big nothing!  And you promise yourself that you’ll never get carried away with a crush again.

But here’s why we still pursue our crushes and remain hopeful, daydreaming and doodling his name like some besotted schoolgirl: sometimes, albeit rarely, a crush does turn into Prince Charming.  (Okay, maybe not Prince Charming, per se.  But you get what I mean.)  Sometimes the fantasy becomes the reality!

I was still in college and I’d had a crush on Simon* for about a year.  I never acted on my growing feelings for him because honestly, I thought he was out of my league.  Over the course of that year, we’d gotten to know each other pretty well.  In fact, he often turned to me for advice about his different girlfriends.  I was a good friend and always advised him according to what I believed were his best interests.  It wasn’t easy, though.  Watching him date other women while my feelings for him grew was more than a little painful.  But since I didn’t think I had a shot with him, I dealt with it.

I had my own share of dates and flings, so it wasn’t as if I were sitting at home pining for him.  But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t compare every guy I encountered to Simon.  And every single one of them fell short.

Anyway, after a year of lusting and fantasizing, I finally had my chance with my crush.  At the time, we were both between relationships and found ourselves alone in his apartment one Saturday night.  After a few drinks, I was thrilled to learn that Simon had been crushing on me for about as long as I’d been crushing on him!  I was on top of the world!

Then came that moment of truth: do we risk our great rapport by crossing the line from friendship to relationship?  What if we tried and it turned out horribly?  Or even if “we” worked for a while, what if we broke up later and ended up hating each other?

In the end, curiosity, lust and a little too much beer won out over caution, and we agreed to share our first kiss.  The sparks flew from the moment our lips met!  It’s many years later and I can honestly say that was the best first kiss I’ve ever shared with a man.  It was perfect … kissing Simon felt like home.

But should we go further, we breathlessly asked each other?  Yes, those first kisses were spectacular.  But maybe we should quit while we were ahead.  At that point both of us could have walked away unscathed and our friendship would remain unchanged.

I don’t know whose idea it was, but we decided to go into his bedroom.  “Let’s just lie next to each other on the bed and let whatever happens happen,” we said.  Ha!  I don’t think we were in his room for more than one full minute before we were both naked and going at it like rabbits!

If our first kiss generated sparks, our first sex-capades were positively nuclear!  I mean, we went at it all night long!  (Ah, youth!  What I wouldn’t give for that kind of stamina now!)

But it wasn’t just the fact that we did any and everything to and for each other.  Fuelled by youth, beer and pent up lust, we were like circus acrobats!  It was so much more than that, though.  In fact, it was honestly one of the most sexually pleasurable experiences I’ve ever had.

I think our strong friendship made it easier for us to tune into each other’s desires and responses.  We could reach other’s bodies well.  And because of our genuine respect for each other, we eagerly did what we could to please.  It was a truly unforgettable night that was the first of many unforgettable nights.

So that’s my story of a crush that had a happy ending.  Simon and I aren’t together today, but we are still friends.  Our relationship only ended because our lives after college took us in different directions emotionally, professionally and geographically.  It’s all good, though.  Like I said, we’re still friends.

And that’s why I still believe in crushes.  Yeah, a lot of them turn out to be huge disappointments.  But every once in a while, you encounter a crush like Simon …

*Nope, Simon isn’t even close to his real name.  You know the rules: I always change the name and a few details to protect the not-so-innocent!

SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA: Getting Something ‘Different’ At Home

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I had a great conversation with my favorite boyfriend the other night.  Yes, I have more than one boyfriend.  But don’t judge me.  I’m not sleeping with all of them … yet.  It’s just that I haven’t found Mr. Right yet, and I like dating.  Besides, I’m always safe, and I’m always honest.

Anyway, Armand* is my favorite because of the great sex and great conversation.  He’s cute and funny and keeps me on my toes.  And we’ve known each other for years and are good friends both in and out of the bedroom.

So after round one the other night, Armand and I were basking in the afterglow when he asked “Is there anything I could have done that would’ve made that better for you?”

The question came out of the blue, so I had him repeat it.  He did and then said “I know you enjoyed yourself, Baby.  I just want to know what else you’d like to try.”

I hesitated, worried about that fragile male ego I’ve always heard about.  And anyway, Armand is a very good lover.  He’s patient and considerate.  He’s got mad skills.  And hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Then I really thought about it.  Sex with Armand isn’t boring by any means.  But like most couples who’ve been together awhile, we’ve pretty much seen each other’s best moves.  I know I’d certainly exhausted my bag of tricks.  So it’s not that we needed to improve our sex-capades, but even the best routines need to be tweaked now and then.

After some thought, I mentioned a couple things that intrigued me.  Then I threw the question back to him.  What followed was one of the most honest conversations about sex I’ve ever had!  We opened up about fantasies and curiosities we’d never shared with anyone.  There was no judgment and nothing was off-limits!

Armand and I even talked about how to make the things we already do even better.  We broke it down with “I love it when you do this”; “I used to like that, but not so much anymore”; and “Next time we do so-and-so, can we try adding …?”  We got specific.  We got graphic.  We even went so far as to take each other’s hand and say, “Not here, but right here.”

By the time we were ready for round two, we were hornier than ever.  The sex was hot and intense!  Just tweaking a few moves here and there made it so much better.  And those fantasies we’d mentioned?  Let’s just say I added to my bag of tricks big time that night!

It was like being with a new lover, but with the comfort and familiarity of an old friend.  After all this time, we were still able to surprise each other, and it was incredible!

The fun lasted all night, too.  The next day, I was sore and exhausted.  And I don’t even have to tell you how wrecked my hair was.  I didn’t care, though.  My bad hair and limp were totally worth it.

This experience helped me to realize that all couples should check in with each other sexually.  It doesn’t have to be every day or even every month.  But every now and then these kinds of talks need to happen.  Tastes change, new desires develop and fetishes evolve.  As we experience and learn new things, our feelings change.  It only makes sense that over time, what we’re “into” sexually will change, as well.

Admittedly, these conversations aren’t always comfortable.  They require trust and openness, and a complete lack of judgment.  But these talks are necessary so that things don’t get stale and no one gets bored.

I’m not saying that having this kind of conversation will necessarily stop infidelity, though.  A cheater is going to cheat regardless.  But one reason often given for infidelity is sexual boredom.  Guys say it all the time.  “My wife won’t do this”, or “I could never ask my woman to do that.”

That’s ridiculous!  Have you ever asked your woman if she would do this or that?  She might surprise you!  Give her a chance and she might just pull some new tricks out of her bag that will make you scream!

Anyway, if a couple stays in touch with each other’s desires and fantasies, they’d have fewer reasons to stray.  Why seek something different elsewhere when you can get something different at home?

Ladies, if you want to make sure your man is happy with your sex life, you need to ask some questions.  You might not like everything you hear, but you might also learn something you need to know.

Your man may want to try some new things, but he’s worried about shocking or offending you.  So, he says nothing but he keeps fantasizing about it.  Soon, that fantasy becomes an obsession.  And the next thing you know, he’s looking elsewhere to scratch that itch.

Your guy needs to know that you’re available to scratch whatever itch he has, and that that he can act out his fantasies with you.  Who knows?  His fantasy may get you off, too.  But you’ll never know if you don’t talk to each other.  Remember, even the most intuitive couples can’t read each other’s minds.

Not only did Armand and I find new ways to enjoy each other, we also fine-tuned some of our regular moves.  We’ve both changed over the years, but at least now we’re on the same page.

So ladies, don’t be afraid to have this conversation with your man.  Don’t be shy, either.  Besides, it’ll give you a chance to let him in on a few things you’re interested in trying.  The way I see it, having this talk is a win-win for everyone!

*Names and details have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

 

Introducing Sophia Ned-James: A New SuzyKnew! Writer On Sexual Adventure

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Acclaimed  writer Sophia Ned-James joins the SuzyKnew! ommunity with a regular column on  sexual adventure. You can also find Sophia Ned-James work on SexySingleMommy.com. 

MR. BIG STUFF

By, Sophia Ned-James

Greetings SuzyKnew! Readers,

My name is Sophia Ned-James, and I’m excited to be part of this dynamic sisterhood of women committed to making smart, healthy decisions about sex and love.

Like everyone here at SuzyKnew!, I’m passionate about women of color having a safe space to share ideas, ask questions and talk about the things that matter to us.  Too often, our needs and desires are put on the backburner as we spend all our time taking care of others.  So I’m glad to be part of this community and can’t wait to get to know you all.

So let’s get started, shall we?

You know how the popular HBO series “Sex and the City” had Mr. Big?  Well, today, I want to talk about an old flame I affectionately call “Mr. Big Stuff”.  This guy earned the nickname, too.  His “stuff” was huge!  Even now, he holds the record for having the biggest penis I’ve ever seen!

I’ve never been one to pander to fragile male egos.  In my opinion, size does matter and I’m not afraid to admit it.  Sure, it’s also about the “motion of the ocean”.  Everyone knows that skill and finesse are important.  To be honest, if he knows what he’s doing, a man doesn’t have to be swinging a Louisville Slugger between his legs to make me happy.

But let’s be real, ladies.  Ain’t nobody got time for no itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, can barely feel it package!

That may sound hash because men have no control over the size of their equipment.  But men judge us on things we have no control over all the time!  In fact, I think women are way more accepting of men with less-than-perfect looks than men are of women.  Anyway, even if it’s too little for my tastes, I’m sure it’s perfect for someone else.  One woman’s “hell no” is another woman’s “I’ll take it”.

That said, some guys are just too damned big!

That’s right, I said it.  And if you’d told me that before my encounter with Mr. Big Stuff, I would’ve laughed in your face.  The idea of a penis being “too big” just didn’t compute for me, and was as unrealistic as flying cows.

Then one summer I met Mr. Big Stuff and my world turned on its axis.  Suddenly anything seemed possible and I was ready to believe in fairy tales and pixie dust because I’d never seen anything like his unholy Beast.

Full disclosure: I’d been warned about Mr. Big Stuff.  We were set up by my friend’s boyfriend, Bertram who immediately told me about Mr. Big Stuff’s reputation for being very well-endowed.  I was skeptical, though.  In my mind, there was no such thing as too much when it came to penis size, so I ignored Bertram’s warning.

The first few times we went out, nothing physical happened.  We were obviously attracted to each other.  But we always went out with Bertram and my friend, so we were never alone.  Besides, we had a lot of fun without sex.

Finally, we got our chance to be alone, and that’s when I met The Beast.  Ladies, let me tell you, I ain’t been right since!

We were at his place, after having spent a few hours together around town.  It was really hot that day.  I remember because his apartment wasn’t air conditioned.  We didn’t just jump right into bed, of course.  When we first arrived, we just sat on the couch in his small living room, talked and listened to music.

The sun was still shining when we first got there so he never turned on the lights.  By the time things got physical, the sun had set and the only light in the room came from moonlight shining through the window.

The music, moonlight and summer heat made it easy to get caught up in the mood.  Besides, he was a good kisser.  So when his hands started to roam, I didn’t stop them.  I didn’t object as he began to fondle and caress me, especially since he obviously knew what he was doing.

Since it was summer, we weren’t wearing many clothes.  I had on a sundress and he wore shorts and a t-shirt.  Therefore it wouldn’t take long for us to undress each other.  But, before his shorts were even unzipped, he suggested we move to his bedroom.  I eagerly agreed.

He led the way down the dark hallway, so his back was to me.  His bedroom was even darker than the living room.  Moonlight still poured in, but the window was smaller so there was less light.  Plus, he was a real chocolate brotha, with skin so dark it was hard to see him at all.  In other words, I didn’t get a chance to check out his package before it was unwrapped.

He gently removed my clothes, kissing and caressing me the entire time.  I closed my eyes and reveled in how good he made me feel.  Then we stretched out on his bed and it was my turn to undress him.  Removing his shirt was easy.  But, I had a problem with his zipper.  His huge bulge stretched his shorts so tightly I couldn’t get the zipper to move!

“Let me get that,” he whispered.  He stood up and with his back to the bed, he removed his shorts and boxers.  Then he turned around and I found myself staring down the barrel of the most ridiculously huge, rock hard penis I’d ever seen.

I was paralyzed with shock and fear.  That thing was enormous!  It was long, it was thick and it looked like it could swallow a small child!

“My God,” I thought to myself.  “Where the hell does he think he’s going to put that thing?”

Before I could blink, he was back on the bed putting on a condom.  I’d bet my life savings that he had to special order his condoms because even magnums wouldn’t fit on that thing!

He finally noticed that I hadn’t moved.  “Are you okay?”  He asked.  “Do you still want to do this?”  I’m sure he had to have been with women who took one look at that thing and said “Oh, hell no!”  And to be honest, I’m glad he understood that I could still say “no” at any time.

But as scary as that thing looked, I just had to give it a try.  I had to.  To walk away at that point would have been like standing at the base of Mt. Everest and not even trying to climb!

And climbing would be the only way to conquer this Beast.  I had to get on top at first, or my lady parts might not ever be the same again.  So I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and mounted that enormous stallion.

Ladies, you know how we do.  When it’s our first time with a man, we try our best to impress, right?  We “put it down” on him, and even show off a bit.

Well that night, the only person I could impress was me for even trying to work with that big ol’ thing!  Forgive me for being graphic, but I couldn’t even get the damn thing all the way in!

Forget fancy moves, I was doing good to even do the basics!  Thankfully my moves worked and it didn’t last too long.  And to his credit, Mr. Big Stuff tried to be very gentle and was almost apologetic.  He knew his stuff wasn’t normal.

Somehow, I managed to make it through round two, but then I was done.  And no, I didn’t have an orgasm.  He offered to take care of me orally, but I declined.  I was all kinds of tore up down there.  All I wanted to do was go home and soak in a hot bath.  I hurt for days afterwards.

To this day, I haven’t encountered anyone like Mr. Big Stuff.  I’ve had my share of well-endowed lovers (and thankfully very few tiny ones), but none have come close to the Beast.  It’s a good thing, too.  Mr. Big Stuff proved to me that there really can be too much of a good thing.

What about you?  Have you ever encountered one so big it scared you?  Or scarred you?  I’d love to hear all about it!