Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

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SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

Why Giving Things Up, Is Not Just For Lent – Lillian Ogbogoh

Opinion 1 Comment

Lent, the period of 40 days that precedes the celebration of Easter, with its origin in the early days of the Christianity. It is considered the way for all Christians to recall and renew the commitment of their baptism. This year instead of giving up my indulgences and so-called vices, just for 40 days I have chosen to do things a little different this year.

Instead of chocolate, my heel wearing ways, or indulging in my favorite past times for the next 40 days, this year I am working on a 300 days give up program!

Starting with negative self-talk, I would treat myself with love and gentleness, no more speaking to me, like I am the enemy. This lent I am giving up on the idea that I am not enough and somehow lacking, it is funny we sometimes hold on to harmful toxic thoughts that flow from the negative self-talk that we indulge in… There have been times that I have looked around in my world while comparing myself to others and felt that I have fallen short of who I needed to be and berated myself for this and this translated into more negative self-talk and more opportunity to beat up on myself. Can you see a pattern forming here one feeds the other?

Instead of giving up my heels for flats this year, I have given up on trying attaining my goals alone, for the next 300 days I am going to connect with and build an incredible network of people that we can help each other to attain our goals collectively. Not just speaking about the concept of being collaborative but really walking my talk and creating from a place of connection to go further and faster with others that share the same vision.

And finally this year I will be giving up fear, fear of being myself the one that truly honors her needs and what she truly desires, the fear of speaking my truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make someone else or even me.

I will be giving up the fear of failure and try something bigger and brand new, I am going to stop being afraid of what could happen and jump in with both feet, so what if I get wet and end up in the deep end? Well, I can swim or learn to ask for help. I won’t let fear tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing or have me playing keep away from what I really want. So I am giving up on the fear standing in my way of showing up as the woman I truly am. I am giving up on relationships that do not serve my highest good, this means saying goodbye to people in my life who are not adding to my life as friends and they seem to be there just to fill in the numbers, if you are adding no value to my life and I am not adding to yours it is time to call it a day. In fact in the words of Queen Elsa “I am letting it all go”

A lot of people let things go in the observation of Lent and once it’s done slip right back into the things they gave up, 40 days is not enough time to build, hone and own a new habit, I have decided to see what would happen if I choose to do something different and work on a new habit for 300 days instead of 40? Also this is not about what stripping away what gives us pleasure rather a conscious giving up on the things that no longer honors the divine within all of us and I believe that this is more in keeping with what Christ would want to see rather than a cranky, chocolate free version of you that is afraid to own her destiny…. Ladies and gents it is time to give up for the next 300 days the things and habits in your world that no longer honors the divine version of you. So what are you choosing to give up for the remaining of the year?

www.lillianogbogoh.com

www.twitter.com/LillianOgbogoh

 

 

 

 

 

God, Guilt, And Sexual Pleasure: The Black Woman’s Dilemma

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How many times have you been in bed with your partner—doing some kinky awesome ish, floating on a sea of sensation and totally lost in the sauce—when you suddenly felt like your (grand)mother/ mentor/ Sunday school teacher was somewhere looking down at you and shaking their head in disapproval? Did the realization kill your ladyboner fast? Did you freeze up and suddenly feel awful in some type of way?

I bet you did.

A friend of mine told me, once, she was on her knees handling her man’s business orally when it suddenly dawned on her that OMG this was the position she had assumed to say her prayers every day since she was a kid. That dick fell out of her mouth like it was a hot potato and after that she could never fully relax during sex with the dude. Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last. And though I wish I could say that friend was the exception, the more I talk to my sistercircle of women the more I hear stories of ambivalence about sex and an inability to let go during times of sexual pleasure.

Regardless of what part of the Americas, Africa or the Caribbean we come from, most black women are raised in communities where God is ubiquitous. We are surrounded by ideas that sex is dangerous (mentally, physically, emotionally) and can only be a source of excitement, fulfillment and personal growth if we are doing it within the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. So every time we fuck, we come to the activity with all this psychological baggage and latent guilt.

Our cultural messaging that sex is dirty and shameful and filled only with furtive moments of stolen pleasure that should leave us awash in guilt causes us to settle for mediocre, unfulfilling and emotionally barren nookie because we feel so guilty about the whole affair anyway not speaking up for ourselves seems like a lesser sin; it minimizes our involvement somehow. Having sad, bad, sex where we give the barest of ourselves and get back the barest of our partners in return seems like a safer alternative. Nah, girl. It isn’t.

I have come to realize that having good sex, sex that is consensual, communicative and fair, sex that leaves us with our toes curled and our weaves/naps sweated out, is fighting the power  (yes it is, raise your fist) because as black women we get a triangulation of problematic messaging. First there’s the “God might not like this” aspect. Then there is the twisted Victorian notion of morality, where human bodies are shameful, filthy and unfit for public consumption, that we got from our colonizers and slavemasters. To top off the turd sundae we add on respectability politics—the messages we imbibe from the cradle that constantly whisper into our psyches “Folks already think blacks are oversexed, dirty, immoral, Jezebels. Don’t prove em right by doing something nasty.”

We need to toss that mess in the trash and find something better to munch on. Good sex, sex that lets us figure out who we are  and what we like to do in the bedroom, allows us to discover our truest, most open and most honest selves. Good sex teaches us about trust and generosity and patience. It affirms our desire to be our own advocates, to insist and assert and to demand and compromise till things are exactly as we like them. And when we’re doing it and doing it and doing it well, sometimes good sex even makes us see God and gives us earth-shattering orgasms of Biblical proportions.

Amen.

F.N. is a thirty something free-lance writer from Ghana. Currently, she is trying out a new life in Washington, DC

Originally published November 14, 2014

Christmas In July – ASK A SEX THERAPIST

Love and Sex 1 Comment

SuzyKnew! is pleased to bring you a new contributor: ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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It’s July and Wal-Mart and Amazon have decided to throw down in an epic battle of the discount giants and I’m just over here trying to take advantage. I will say, however, it’s kind of getting me in the Christmas spirit. Yes, I know it’s a bit early, but with all these discounts, I can’t help but think about how I can use this as an early opportunity to chip away at my Christmas list.

The Holiday Season has to be one of my favorite times of the year. There’s a spirit of giving that seems infectious and propels everyone, regardless of religious affiliation, to celebrate relationships, whether with family, friends, or partners. However, I think that in the hustle and bustle of taking care of everyone else, it’s important to carve out a little time for yourself. I have a habit of always buying a small gift for myself as I’m shopping for others. Some may call it a little selfish but eh, what can you do?

And so it is with orgasms.

I think we often look for the gift of orgasm from our sexual partners. We expect them to know exactly what to do to give us those moments of involuntary muscle spasms that usually cap a satisfying sexual experience. When we experience a climax, we praise our partners for their sexual abilities or take time to reminisce about the skill set of partners past. Toe-curling, body-quaking orgasms can seem to help us escape from reality, even if for a moment, and even bring us closer to our partners. On the flip side, we often blame them if an orgasm is not achieved, and in some instances, end relationships because, “They just couldn’t make me come.” But whose responsibility is it anyway?

It’s important to know and understand how your body responds and this understanding usually comes from self-study. That means you should know what your body likes and loves before expecting someone else to be able to provide you pleasure. Yes, you should understand your basic anatomy and women should know if they’re able to orgasm through penetration alone or if they need clitoral stimulation to climax (as most women do). AND that means that you’re responsible for your own orgasms. Yes. You.

Although it can be difficult to have conversations with your partners regarding what turns you on, open and honest communication can not only benefit your sex life, but your relationship as a whole. Once you set the stage for dialogue that is non-judgmental but moves you toward pleasure, you open the door for better sex and an enhanced relationship. Also, not every sexual encounter will end in an orgasm and that’s ok. Often when we’re focused on that one goal, we miss the beauty of the spiritual and physical exchange that can occur during sex. Although orgasms are amazing, they’re not always the capstone of every sexual exchange.

Orgasms are important and it’s imperative you understand what works for your body. Don’t be afraid of self-study. While Wal-Mart and Amazon duke it out and you might take advantage of their discounts, don’t forget to unwrap the gift of orgasm for yourself. Take time to understand what turns you on so that if you choose to share yourself sexually with a partner, you can properly exchange gifts.

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De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in private practice at Sankofa Sex Therapy, LLC. She’s on the Executive Board of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network and has been featured as a sexpert on Ebony.com. Check out her YouTube show, Ask A Sex Therapist, where she answers your questions related to sex and sexuality.

 

 

How Safe Are Tampons For Women Of Color? ASK AN OBGYN

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Dear SuzyKnew!,  

I saw pictures of model who had lost her leg due to toxic shock syndrome from tampons.  How safe are tampons, anyway?   Are there any specific issues for women of color?  

Dear Reader,

Since an outbreak in the 1980’s, there is a clear link between toxic shock syndrome (TSS) and tampons.  TSS is rare, but extremely dangerous.  It is caused by a bacterium called streptococcus that lives on the skin of some people and most of the time is harmless.   But when it is introduced into the vagina, it can grow like wildfire.

The vagina is a dark, moist environment and the fibrous material in a tampon makes an optimal growth media- so basically, it’s a perfect bacterial storm.  Once TSS is introduced into the blood stream, it quickly spreads to the vital organs and can send you into organ failure within a matter of days.

The package insert in most tampon brands recommends that tampons be changed every 4-8 hours.  Most doctors will recommend that you do not sleep with a tampon because it is not uncommon for young women to sleep much more than 8 hours.  But is that small print warning about toxic shock syndrome (TSS) enough to educate today’s girls and women?

Model Lauren Wasser would likely say no.  She contracted TSS and had severe tissue damage to both her lower limbs, resulting in a below the knee amputation. Since her near-death experience, she has become a voice for education about toxic shock.   There are many other stories women and young girls who have died from TSS.

Given the severity of this illness, it’s so important for SuzyKnew readers to understand the risks of tampons and other feminine hygiene products.

You have a great question- How safe are tampons?  The truth is that we really don’t know enough about the safety of tampons and other feminine hygiene products.  What do we know about the long-term effects of tampon use- considering that we use these for one week per month for DECADES?  What do we know about the synthetic materials, bleaches and dyes used in tampons? What do we know about the safety of other feminine products such as wipes, douches, or sprays?

If women’s health champions like Congresswoman Carolyn Mahoney of New York have anything to say about it, we will soon know a lot more.   In March of 2015 she re-introduced HR-1708, a bill that directs the National Institutes of Health to study the risks posed by the presence of dioxin, synthetic fibers, chemical fragrances, and other components of feminine hygiene products.  Her argument is that women are using products inside their bodies that have not been properly studied.  This is rooted in a history of women and women’s health issues not being equally represented in clinical research.   In addition, feminine hygiene products such as tampons, pads, wipes and washes are subject to varied rules and consumer protections.

While this bill is debated in Congress, independent groups of advocates have stepped up and asked about the safety of feminine hygiene products.  A report by Women’s Voices for the Earth examines products such as wipes and douches that contain potentially harmful ingredients such as pesticides, dyes, dioxin, quaternium-15 and DMDM hydantoin.  The report includes a “Hall of Shame” appendix that features examples of feminine care brands that contain toxic chemicals.

The WVE report also notes that feminine wipes and washes are used in greater numbers by Black and Latina women. Part of this is likely because women are color are disproportionately targeted by advertisers of douching and feminine hygiene products.   So if more women of color are using products that have ingredients that have not been properly studied, then yeah, that’s a big problem, and one the Representative Mahoney’s bill will hopefully address.

Take care.

The Other Night, Part 3 SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia No Comments

I snuggled deeper into his arms, feeling drowsy.  But he wasn’t having it.  “Don’t get too comfortable, Baby.  I’m not done with you, yet!”

“I would hope not,” I quipped, even as my eyes started to close.

“Oh no you don’t, Sophia.  Keep those eyes open for me.”  Before I could respond, his hand was on my pussy.

“Don’t you need a few minutes to recover?”  I asked, opening my legs wider.

“I can recover just fine like this,” he said as he began to slowly stroke me.  “Now, like I said.  Keep those eyes open for me.  That’s it.  Damn, you look so sexy when you’re turned on!”

His voice, his fingers … it wasn’t long before he had me going again.  “Tell me, Baby.  Does that feel good?  Hmm?  You like when I rub your pussy like this?”

“Yes,” I moaned.  Damn, his fingers felt good!  How did he know exactly how I love to be touched?  Those featherlike strokes coupled with stronger, more purposeful ones … it was so easy to just give in to the sensations.

I felt him shift a little, and then his mouth was on one of my nipples.  I held my breast in place for him, while he worked my body like a pro.  He went to switch nipples, which meant he was half laying across my body, now.  I loved the contact, feeling more of him on top of me.  I loved being skin-to-skin.

Now his fingers moved a little more aggressively, as if urging me towards another peak.  Mid-stroke, he lifted his eyes to mine and said, “That’s it … get into it.  I want you to feel good!”

That voice, again.  Those words, encouraging me to feel good did the trick.  I could feel the beginning of another orgasm.  “I’m getting close,” I whispered.  Or maybe I yelled it.  I don’t know.  It was a struggle to even form words at this point.

“Good,” he said, kissing me on the mouth now.  “I want you to get close.  Just don’t cum, yet.  I don’t want you to cum yet, Baby.”

“Why?”  I was getting closer with each stroke.  I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop the inevitable.

“I want to be inside you when you cum,” And then his hands were gone.  He was gone.  Well, not gone, but we weren’t touching, anymore.

Disoriented, I started to sit up.  But he was still there.  “Lie back down, Baby.  I’m just getting a condom.”

Thankfully, he was quick.  Before I knew it, he was hovering above me, spreading my legs apart with his knees.

Our eyes met, again.  He held my gaze steadily as he slowly entered me.  And as aroused and wet as I was, it hurt a little.  I winced.  “You ok?”  I nodded, and opened my legs wider.  He pressed slowly and steadily until finally, he was balls deep inside me.

He felt sublime!

After a few seconds, he began to move those sexy hips of his, and I was completely lost.  Feeling his weight on me, breathing in his scent as he rocked and rolled on top of me was hypnotic.  Somehow, as fluid and rhythmic as he moved, with each and every thrust he managed to hit my spot.  It’s like his hips were in total control of every pleasure center on my body.  Even my fingertips felt good.  I got goose bumps on the soles of my feet.  Every thrust and parry was like a mini orgasm in itself, he was just that damned good.

I was so lost in feeling, I almost didn’t hear him when he whispered in my ear.  “Can you cum with me inside you, Baby?”  The way his breath felt on my neck took me right back to the edge.

“I’m close, now.” I don’t know how I managed to speak.

“Good,” he whispered.  “I wanna feel you come all over this dick of yours!”  And then those magical hips went into overdrive!

I clutched and scratched at his back.  He shifted his weight a little to my left and hit the jackpot.  “Yes,” I moaned.  “Right there.  Don’t stop …” He didn’t stop.  He hit that spot again and again, allowing me to grind against him with all my might.

That little tingle at the base of my spine, that little tremor that always signals a big finish let me know that my end was near.  He must’ve sensed it, too.  Because now he was encouraging me, urging me to “Let go and cum, Baby!  Get that nut!  Come on.  Cum for me!”

So I did.  With a scream.  And the release was so intense, it almost hurt.  He only stopped moving when I clamped my thighs around his waist and continued to grind against him with abandon.

As I caught my breath, I glanced up at him.  He stared back at me with intense eyes.  I smiled at him and said, “Your turn, Daddy.”

Without saying a word, he pulled out and was on his knees in seconds.  He flipped me onto my stomach so fast it almost knocked the wind out of me.  I knew what he wanted and was more than ready to give it to him.  Lifting my ass and spreading my legs, I braced myself.  In one motion, he was inside me, hitting it from the back.

His thrusts were frantic, yet still controlled.  But I could tell by how tightly he held my hips that he was very near the edge.  Dropping my shoulders, I began to move with him.  Now he wasn’t just taking it, I was giving it to him.  I felt submissive and sexy and powerful, all at the same time.  And that got me going again.

I didn’t realize he could tell just how freshly aroused I was getting until the said, “Damn, you just got even wetter!”  Then he hissed “Shit, I’m ‘bout to cum!”

I arched my back and spread my legs even more.  Now I was getting close, too.  But I wasn’t as close as him.  I still needed to catch up.  So, I pulled away from him … just enough to break his rhythm.  He wasn’t pleased, and growled to let me know it.

He roughly pulled me back and slammed his dick back into me.  Yes!  That’s it!  I pulled away again, this time even further.  And again, he dragged me back hard.

I pulled away one last time and finally got the response I needed: a quick, stinging slap right on my ass.  And then, SLAM!  He rammed his dick back into me and started pounding me hard.  And with each down-stroke, he had something to say.  “Oh, you wanna play, huh?”  Another slap.  “Get yo’ sexy ass back here and take this dick, dammit!”  A few more hard thrusts.  “Gimme my pussy!”

And then it hit me, almost out of nowhere.  I came so hard, my toes curled and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end.  He came right after, growling so loud it was scary.  Then we both collapsed onto the bed in a pile of tangled, sweaty, limp limbs.

I saw stars.  I really did.

He caught his breath first, and pulled me into his arms.  We smelled like sex and happiness.  He purred and murmured sweet little words into my ear.  The last thing I heard him say before I dozed off was, “I’m so glad we did this.”

 

Read The Other Nigtht, Part 1 and The Other Night, Part 2

 

The Other Night, Part 2 SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia No Comments

I hadn’t really looked when I helped him out of his boxer-briefs.  Now, as he eased me back onto his bed, I got a better look.

I gasped.  I don’t know why it surprised me that he was so big, so thick.  If he heard my reaction, he didn’t let on … he just quietly climbed onto the bed beside me.

Pulling me into his arms, he kissed my lips, my face and then my neck.  They were soft kisses, yet insistent ones, as they moved lower until they finally landed on my breasts.  As he firmly took one of my nipples into his mouth, he moaned.

I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that was oddly detached from what was happening.  I think it was sheer disbelief that I was lying naked with the man who’d been the star of my fantasies for so long.

By the time he’d kissed, licked and sucked his way down my body, I was shivering in anticipation.  He looked up at me with those intense eyes of his and asked “Is it okay if I taste you?”

Too aroused to speak, I could only nod.  And when he lowered his head, I tensed.  Nerves, I guess.  But he was quick to calm me.

“Shhh,” he whispered, kissing me in just the right spot.  “Just relax and enjoy, Baby.  Mmmm, you taste so good!”

And then he stopped talking … and started licking … and sucking … and stroking … and before long, I was awash in pure pleasure.  My hips seemed to have a mind of their own, moving almost involuntarily.  He followed my lead, somehow knowing just when to lick a little faster here, or a little slower there.  And just as the pressure began to build, he reached up and squeezed my aching nipples into submission.

But the pleasure was so intense, he couldn’t hold them.  I arched my back, grabbed his head and pulled him even closer, as if that were even possible.  Mercifully, his tongue never let up its relentless assault on my clit.  Even as I writhed and wiggled, he kept at it, keeping the rhythm set by my trembling hips.

And then the explosion hit, taking me a bit by surprise.  Floating somewhere between paradise and ecstasy, I completely gave myself over to wave after wave of intense pleasure.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in his arms and he was watching me.  His goatee and lips were coated with my juices, which made me blush a little.  He smiled, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.  That’s when I noticed how hard he was breathing.  He was aroused and barely in control.

“You good?”  His voice shook with desire.

Finally finding my voice, I answered “I’m very good!”  Emboldened by the heat in his eyes, I reached down to finally claim my prize.  I have to admit, I was a little worried … I wanted so badly to make him feel as good as I felt.

While I slowly began to stroke his big, throbbing dick with my hand, I began kissing all over that magnificent, chocolate body of his.  I teased his nipples with my tongue and got lost in those fabulous pecs and abs.  He moaned when I licked him, and hissed when I gave him a little nibble, just inside of one his muscled thighs.

Finally, I’d reached my destination.  Ladies, is there anything more beautiful than a great big, erect dick awaiting your mouth?  I think not!

As much as I wanted to ravish him quickly, I held back so I could savor it.  I kissed it.  I licked it.  I traced my tongue over every ridge and valley, circling his head like my favorite lollipop.  He enjoyed my teasing exploration … but not for long.  By the time I finally took him deep into my mouth, he was begging me to suck him.

Now it was me who followed his lead … going slower or faster based on his moans and movements.  Once I hit my stride with a nice, long stroke, using my mouth and my hands, I knew he wouldn’t last too much longer.  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched one of his hands grab and twist the bedsheets.  The other hand rested gently on the back of my head, holding me to the pace I’d set.

Closing my eyes, I settled into our rhythm, relishing the feel of his steely hardness against my tongue.  Again and again, he hit the back of my throat, and yes, I gagged a bit.  But I never stopped.  I just kept sucking and stroking, only occasionally pausing long enough to show his balls some love.

Now the hand on my head held me just a little tighter.  I gave in and let him guide me, climbing up higher onto my knees so that I could take it all in.  His moans were almost growls, and his hips began to tremble.  I picked up my pace, adding more suction action.  This drove him wild.

“I’m ‘bout to cum,” he mumbled.  But I already knew.  So I added a little more tongue action on the up-stroke and finally, he exploded with my name on his lips.  I swallowed with relish and pleasure!

Sitting comfortably beside him, and feeling quite pleased with myself, I watched as his tremors slowly subsided.  This time, when our eyes met and he smiled, his eyes smiled, too.  Wordlessly, he reached for me and pulled me back into his arms.

“You good?”  I asked, trying not to sound too smug.

Chuckling, he grinned.  “Oh, I’m real good!”

Stay tuned for the finale – Part 3 – coming soon!

The Other Night, Part 1 SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia No Comments

His eyes held mine captive. “Tell me what you want,” he said. “Tell me what you need.”

“I just want you,” I whispered.

“Uh-uh,” he replied, shaking his head. Now he held my face in his hands. “Be specific. I want to know exactly what you want from me tonight.”

“Only tonight?” I asked, eyebrow raised.

“Let’s start with tonight and go from there. Okay?”

Taking a deep breath, I nodded.

He stepped even closer. But other than his hands on my face, we didn’t touch. “Now, tell me what you want and need from me.”

I closed my eyes for a moment before I answered. I just had to escape the intensity of his gaze. And while I struggled to form the right words, it occurred to me that how I responded would not only set the tone for the rest of the night, but for the rest of our relationship. So I needed to be as honest as possible.

“Sophia?”

I opened my eyes. “Yes?”

“Are you going to answer me?”

“Yes.”

“Well …?”

And so I told him the truth. “I want you to do to my body what you’ve already done to my mind. And I don’t just want it for tonight. I want more than just one night with you.”

He smiled. “What have I done to your mind?”

“You’ve explored and challenged it. You’ve made me think about things differently, including myself.”

“And you want more than just this one night?”

“Yes. If that’s too much to ask, I’d rather know right now. Tell me now before this goes any further.”

He was quick to respond. “That’s not too much to ask. Not at all.” He released my face and took both of my hands in his. Kissing my knuckles, he continued. “So, I get to explore your body, huh?”

Blushing, I nodded. He grinned and said. “This is going to be fun. Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?”

“Are you sure about wanting to take this ‘thing’ between us to the next level? Because I don’t do flings, Sophia. I don’t do casual. If we do this, we do this right.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, as much as I want to explore that delicious-looking body of yours, I don’t want to go there if all you want is sex.”

“You know that’s not all I want,” I began.

“Well, I didn’t want to presume anything.”

“You’re the one who just said we’d start with tonight and go from there.”

“That’s because I didn’t want to ask for more until I knew what you wanted.”

Now I raised our hands and kissed his knuckles. “Now you know. What happens now?”

He didn’t answer at first. I thought maybe I’d gone too far or said something wrong. He must’ve been able to read this in my expression because he said “I’m sorry. It’s just that …” Now he blushed. “When you kissed me like that, on my hands … I lost my train of thought for a second.”

He quickly recovered, though. His eyes were intense again. “What happens now is that I get to begin my exploration of your body. Now, come with me.”

Holding just one hand, he led me to his bed. I was nervous again, and he could tell. Turning to face me he softly said “Look. We’re both nervous, here. Anyone would be nervous in our situation. Why don’t we agree right now that if either one of us gets too uncomfortable we’ll stop, okay?”

“Okay.”

And then he leaned in and softly kissed my lips. I’d daydreamed about our first kiss dozens of times, but this was better than I’d imagined. Even before our lips parted and our tongues met, I felt heat and desire in his kiss. And the deeper the kiss went, the more heat I felt.

I didn’t get to savor the heat, though. Things were happening fast. He began unbuttoning my shirt, his fingers surprisingly adept. I must’ve flinched because he suddenly stopped and ended our kiss.

“Am I moving too fast?”

I opened my eyes and met his. “No. I’m sorry …”

“It’s okay,” we were talking at the same time. Then he continued. “Let’s just both try to relax, alright?”

I nodded and took a deep breath. And this time, I leaned up to kiss him. I could feel his smile even as he kissed me back. When he started unbuttoning my shirt again, I leaned in closer.

He slid my shirt over my shoulders and as soon as it fell to the floor, I reached for his buttons. He broke our kiss and watched my hands as I nervously fumbled with his shirt. I silently wished I was as cool as he’d been.

I must’ve been too slow because he quickly took over the task and removed his shirt in one smooth motion. Then I was face to face with that gorgeous, muscled chest of his. I’d seen it before, but always from a distance. Now it was just inches away, and it left me breathless.

He pulled me into his arms and started kissing me again. This time, I allowed my hands to roam across his broad back freely. Smooth skin, rippled muscles … he felt amazing.

I was so busy relishing the feel of his skin beneath my finger tips that I hardly noticed when he unhooked my bra. Breaking our kiss, he backed up a bit just as I let it fall to the floor.

“Damn,” he said softly. “They’re perfect!” I blushed.

The rest of our clothes seemed to fall away effortlessly. And where I’d usually be quick to cover myself with my hands, he made me feel desirable … and desired.

“You’re so sexy,” he said as he eased my panties over my hips. He bent down to help me step out of them and quickly kissed my thighs and belly on his way back up. “I can’t wait to taste you.”

 

Stay tuned for The Other Night, Part 2…

Sensuality Without Sex! – Lillian Ogbogoh

Love and Sex Religion No Comments

Most of the time, when we hear the words sensuous and sensual, there is an immediate assumption to it meaning sexual.  Most people can’t be blamed for this line of thinking. Merriam-Webster defines sensuality as “Relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite.” While Oxford defines it as “Of or arousing gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure.”

Sensuality is a state of being where you live from your awaken senses. You can make the mundane & ordinary sensual without the act of sexuality being involved. As a woman who is celibate, sensuality is not off limits to you. In fact, it is your birthright and a divine act of self-love and cannot be taken from you nor does it require another person to activate it in your life.

This assumption that sensuality and sexuality mean the same thing has caused a lot of women, especially faith based women to shy away from their own sensuality fearing it to be lascivious and carnal. Fearing that being a sensuous woman is just one step away from being a Scarlet woman. This could not be further from the truth; as in the true definition of sensuality is about living from your fully awakened senses as a way of being while sexuality is the physical act of sex.

So how can you be sensual and celibate?  First, you need to change your mindset; stop thinking about sensuality in terms of sexuality and sex.  Yes, sensuality can make your sex life more pleasurable, however let’s shed some light on this. Sensuality is about living from your senses that are your taste, sight, smell, feeling and hearing. There are so many activities in life that are sensual that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Like the simple pleasures of, indulging in a great massage, eating a tasty meal, feeling the touch of silk brushing against your skin, dipping strawberries in chocolate, or even turning up your favorite song thus allowing the music to fully move you and just dance. Enjoy the day you’re in and look around you. Get out into the park, and walk among the roses, take pleasure in the ordinary from sharing that giggly chat with your friends, reading that book, indulging in that delicious cup of coffee. Take the time notice the world around you learning to live in the moment allows you to take full sensory notice of the world around you.

Taking the time to be present is another sure fire way to kick start your sensuality without sexuality. What do I mean when I write be present? Simply put, this means being able to be in the moment. I apologize for how cliché that sounds. Being present calls for you to enjoy the moment and day you are in, in fact it calls for you to be where you are. Stop listening to the noise in your head or checking off your mental checklist. Make a priority to be present with the people you are with, as well as being present with yourself, this calls for you to listen to what you desire and want. Being fulfilled is the mark of a sensual woman. There are various ways to awaken your sensuous nature; your surrounding can be a sensual haven for you. Create a sensual haven for yourself. This is such a simple way to fully awaken your sensuous nature. Throw out those old sheets and towels. Instead buy ones that feel indulgently grand to use against your skin. Redecorate your sanctuary using colors that bring you pleasure. To make you feel amazing, get a nice shag pile rug that feels luscious to walk on. Create yourself a sanctuary, a haven to retreat to.

Turn inward! It is time to form a deep intimate relationship with your amazing body. It is not being sexual in any way. It is about loving the body you are in. This is about taking full ownership of your body and being comfortable in your own skin.  Have you seen those women that just look comfortable at home in their bodies?  There is a joy that can be seen by others. Her sensuality is something evident from the way she moves, to how takes care of her body like it is scared even down to how she dresses and feeds herself.

As you can see being a celibate woman does not exclude from the sensual woman club, your sensuality is who you are not what you do. Sex is invariably linked to sensuality however sensuality can exist with sexuality.

I’m Lillian Ogbogoh, as the Sensuality Discovery Specialist I help women to break up with the mind-sets and thoughts that keeps them feeling unfulfilled and invisible in their own lives. Teaching them how to take center stage in their own lives to attract the amazing life they desire.

 

www.lillianogbogoh.com

www.twitter.com/LillianOgbogoh

 

 

ASK AN OBGYN: Which Is Better – Tampons Or Pads?

Ask an OBGYN No Comments
tampons and pads, istock photo
Dear SuzyKnew!  
Do you have an opinion on which is better- tampons or pads?
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Dear Reader,
Choosing which method (tampons or pads) to manage your monthly menstrual flow is a very personal choice and really depends on your lifestyle. Many women actually switch back and forth between tampons and pads (also called sanitary napkins) during each cycle depending on what activities they are undertaking (sports vs. school or office work), time of day (many women use tampons during the day and pads at night) or choose different products featuring varying absorbency levels on different days depending on how heavy their flow is.  Determining when and where the product can be disposed of and changed is an important consideration for many women, especially those who don’t work in nice offices or at home. Also, there are newer products on the market, such as menstrual cups and a disposable pad/underwear combo that you may want to add to your repertoire.  There are a lot of products out there for the approximately 1.75 billion women of the world that are of menstruating age.  I encourage you to experiment and share what you discover with your female friends and family members.
Here’s some food for thought:
If you are concerned about the environment, you may consider a tampon without an applicator.  All that extra plastic and cardboard ends up in our landfills and oceans, and is really not physically necessary to insert a tampon.  Used pads also end up in landfills.   The real environmental offender here is the pad/underwear combo.  Although some women may appreciate the convenience of a single use product, I personally cringe at the thought of future generations fishing these out of our landfills.   One of the benefits of the menstrual cup is it’s relative low environmental impact, because it is a reusable (washable) product.
 If you are concerned about toxic shook syndrome (TSS), which is a rare but potentially fatal bacterial infection, then you should stick to pads. However, it is exceedingly rare and can be avoided by changing your tampon every 4-6 hours, washing your hands before or after you use the bathroom and handle any menstrual products, and using the least absorbent tampon that you need.   Symptoms of TSS are rapid and severe: high fever, vomiting, fatigue, etc… Basically, if you or a woman you know one that has rapid onset and severe symptoms seek out immediate medical care.
 If you are a first-timer or know a first-timer, Please take the time to orient them to the whole new world of being a woman, including hygiene, cramps, risk of pregnancy, as well as how to use the different products.  Encourage them to ask questions and keep an open dialogue so that if they have a question or problem, they know where to go for answers.
 If you are concerned about women and girls in developing countries, you should know that many girls drop out of school when they start menstruating.  Many cultures have menstrual taboos that cause girls to miss school.  Also, tampons and pads are costly and beyond the reach of many women and girls around the world.  The Clinton Global Initiative has pledged millions to provide free products to girls at school, so that they can stay in school and receive an education.
 Thanks for the great question!  Take care!

To ask your question, email OBGYN@suzyknew.com

Discover something new.

 

 

First published June 26, 2014