Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

President Obama Addresses SuzyKnew And Other Women Bloggers At BlogHer 2012

Opinion 1 Comment
President Obama

President Obama addressed SuzyKnew and 5,000 other women bloggers at BlogHer’s 2012 Conference held in New York City from Aug 2 – 4.  Welcoming us on our first day, Obama spoke about the policies and issues that affect women’s lives, including Obamacare, which increases women’s access to contraceptives and better reproductive health.  (See Obama’s full address on BlogHer’s website.)

The 8th annual meeting of mainly female bloggers was pretty exciting to me.  There were key note addresses and talks by Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, Soledad O’Brien and others. (See the SuzyKnew Facebook page for pictures of these ladies and female bloggers SuzyKnew follows.) The sessions covered everything from raising children while building your business to the latest in blogging technology. (Ok – Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how to apply all the lessons I learned from this latter session.)

Of course, I had to attend the Erotica Out In the Open  panel that Ariel Loren, from Corset Magazine, told me about. Blogging and the internet are supporting more and more women in accessing sexual literature as well as health information, building large global communities around issues as well as small communities for specific concerns. Besides Ariel, the panel  included Queerie Bradshaw whose spicy blogs mainly on lesbian and queer sex include  Nothing Up In Here But Dry Vagainas and Sienna Fein from datingseniormen.com, whose posts on “geriatric love,” as she described it, keep you amused and inspired.   The panel moderator was Twanna A Hines from Funky Brown Chick ,  who talked candidly about how religion affects her sex life, answering my question about how religion can be a positive influence on women’s sex lives.  For me, meeting them all was a treat.  I also met Ana Santos from www.sexandsensibilities.com, a site that engages Filipina women to be sexually sassy and healthy.

Other bloggers I ran into: Eleanore Wells from Spinsterlicious another SuzyKnew friend, Demetria A. Lucas a.k.a.  A Belle In Brooklyn,  Issa Rae from Awkward Black Girl and of course others.

The conference had over 130 sponsors, many of whom had booths. Free stuff galore.  Can you believe I got 4 free vibrators, including the ones from Trojan’s new launch? The first person to leave a comment will get one of the vibrators mailed to them. Good luck!

Suzy

What Do Women in Washington, DC, Nigeria, And Rwanda Have In Common?

HIV/AIDS No Comments

What do women living in Washington, DC, Nigeria, and Rwanda have in common? They are living in places that have an HIV/AIDS rate of 3 percent.

As the 19th International AIDS Conference closes in Washington, DC, we’re reminded of how much African-American women, especially those living in urban areas, have in common with African women regarding contracting HIV. As the Huffington Post, BET, the Root, and major news networks have reported, AIDS is the number one killer of African-American women between the ages of 25 – 34, which is also the case in some African countries. While AIDS has become a feminine disease in sub-Saharan Africa and remains a masculine one in the States, Black women, regardless if they’re African or American, contract HIV from their partners unknowingly.

The conference follows Johns Hopkins’ March 2012 announcement that HIV rates for US Black urban women are five times higher than previously believed. Ladies, the HIV hot spots for us are Washington, DC, New York City, Raleigh-Durham, Baltimore and Newark. Stay protected.

But, there are bright spots. The epidemic continues to decline. Also, our teens in the US are getting the safe sex message, as they are in certain African countries such as Uganda. So, there are places where the young aren’t taking as many sexual risks as they used to.

Also, earlier this summer, SuzyKnew pointed out that we now have new products to help us protect our sexual health like the new in-home version of OraQuick® allowing you to quickly take an HIV test in the privacy of your own home and the anti-retroviral Truvada® that the FDA just approved for preventive use, by taking daily.  So, if you suspect your man may be seeing men – and he refuses to use a condom or take an HIV test – you can still protect yourself from HIV. (That is while you work on getting a new man…smile)

Stay healthy and sexy. Let’s see what the 20th AIDS Conference brings.

Suzy

 

What If He’s Just TOO Big?

Love and Sex 3 Comments
Too big

Over the years, I’ve had friends complain about men who were not well-endowed enough to satisfy them.  Many women don’t mind telling you they need a big dick (or a BD, as I like to say) to get it on.  I mean who hasn’t participated in a lively female group discussion about the problems with small male genitalia and how he just can’t bust you out with his little worm?

But, what about the woman who finds that her man’s BD is simply TOO big? Often, she’ll whisper this problem in a serious tone and hushed voice, afraid of being judged. Few women are comfortable telling you they can’t seem to take all of their man inside them. They may feel this makes them less of a woman or that they should be enjoying what every woman supposedly dreams of.  So, as a result, there aren’t many exciting articles on the topic, offering good tips.

Lucky for us, today’s EmandLo,  a popular website run by two lady sexperts, provides good pointers on how to deal with a man who may just bust you out with his super sperm. Of course “lube it up” is the first tip. But, click here to get more info on how to turn your painful love session into a pleasurable one.

Suzy

 

First The Vibrator Play, Then A Museum, Now The Vibrator Movie: Looking For Stimulation

Love and Sex Opinion No Comments
Woman in blue corset

Last December, SuzyKnew gave you our opinion  on the play In the Next Room, also called The Vibrator Play.  Then in April a new Vibrator Museum opened up in San Francisco, showing old-fashioned vibrators, including those pesky, hand-cranked ones, which are making a come back among the environmentally-conscious. We didn’t give you our thoughts then. But, now we give you our thoughts on the newly released vibrator movie Hysteria, which covers the same topic: How the vibrator was invented and why.

Hysteria was released in 2011 in Europe and arrived in May in the US. Critics say the movie doesn’t “stimulate” you enough. They say you’ll leave the film “unsatisfied.”

But, how can a movie about vibrators and orgasms  be so boring?

Perhaps it’s our fixation on climax instead of what it takes to  get there. Or more importantly, the relationship that will get us there and then take us further. It is our own feelings about intimacy with ourselves and with others that ultimately allows us to enjoy pleasure.  We may not need a man (or woman) to reach it. But, we do need self-awareness and a certain level of comfort with our own sexuality to enjoy and realize our full potential.   Victorian views on sex are a hoot. And, we can all get a good chuckle out of  these less-than discreet machines designed to get even the most uptight lady to let an orgasm rip. But, both the play and the movie show that once a woman really knows herself she is able to take her rightful claim over the rest of her life.

And SuzyKnew finds that rather stimulating…

and satisfying.

Suzy

I’m A Single, Black Christian Woman. Will I Ever Get Married? If Not, Should I Plan A Life Without Sex? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice Religion No Comments
Black woman with Bible

Dear Janice,

I’m a professional, single Black Christian woman who was raised to believe that sexual relations should only take place within the confines of marriage.  But more than a decade after getting my Master’s, I’m still single – and we all know statistics say that the chances of Black women getting married are slim. So, while I want to enjoy a sexual relationship with a man, I just don’t feel comfortable doing so. But, the chances of my getting married are slim. Should I plan to live my entire life without sex?

Also, Janice, I just want to let you know that recently I received and accepted an exciting offer to become a part-time representative of a tasteful, online sex toy business started by a widely respected female entertainer. How do I share my news and excitement with my family and church?

Sierra

Charlotte, NC

 

*****

Dear Sierra,

I’m going to deal with the second question first.  Congratulations!  And can a sistah get a hook-up … a discount … a good deal?  Just kidding!

Seriously though, given your upbringing, it might not be a good idea to share all the details of your new part-time gig with everyone.  I’m not saying you should lie, mind you.  And I’m so glad you’re excited about what you’re doing!  I’m just saying that everybody doesn’t need to know all your business.  Maybe just say that you’ve accepted a part-time, online sales position and leave it at that.  These days everyone is selling something online, so making a little extra cheddar on the internet isn’t unusual and shouldn’t raise too many questions.  And trust me … I’d give you the exact same advice even if you weren’t involved in the church.  Our world is still too threatened by the idea of women owning and controlling their own sexual pleasure, and many will make assumptions about your character based on the products you represent.  I’m not saying it’s right … but it happens.

Now to the question of whether you should plan to live your entire life without sex.  My answer is a loud and resounding NO!  First of all, don’t give up on the idea of getting married!  I know so many women who have multiple degrees and are well-established in their careers who are finding life partners despite the depressing statistics.  Your future hubby may not have his Master’s like you do, and he may not even make as much money as you.  But, if he loves and respects you, shares your values and has the same goals in life as you, then he’s the one!

I’ll admit that finding Mr. Right ain’t easy these days.  I’m just saying don’t give up.  Keep your mind and your options open.  Consider thinking outside the box and try online dating or even a professional match-maker.  Just be proactive and open … and don’t buy into all the hype about there being no one for educated, Black women to marry.

In the meantime, I am not going to tell you to set aside your beliefs about sex outside of marriage.  However, from the tone of your question, I suspect you may be ready to do just that.  I would urge you to remember that one reason for keeping sex within marriage has historically been mostly about children.  I personally believe that if sex was only meant for procreation it wouldn’t feel so damned good!  But, that’s my opinion.  If you do decide to embark on a sexual relationship before you get married, I only hope you choose someone worthy of you.  He should respect you, honor you, care about you and be genuinely concerned with your pleasure.  Anyone who doesn’t do all of the above just isn’t worth your time.

Anyway, with the products you represent in your new part-time job, this may be a moot point anyway!  Yes, having a human sex partner is preferred … as long as he’s good and meets the above-mentioned qualifications.  But trust me when I say, ain’t nothing wrong with playing with toys!  They don’t talk back, fart in bed, hog the blankets, stain your sheets, snore or turn on Sports Center when you’re done.  And they never make promises they have no intention of keeping.

Now … about that discount?

 

JANICE

 

You can ASK JANICE all your intimate love questions at ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com

What Is More Important To Black Women Than Marriage Or Children?

Opinion 1 Comment
Praying Woman

What is more important to Black women in the US than marriage or having children? A personal relationship with God.

In a nationwide survey conducted by the Washington Post-Kaiser Family Foundation, a larger percentage of Black women feel this way than the percentage who said getting married or having children is very important.  The Post reported  the survey found 74 percent of Black women and 70 percent of Black men said that “living a religious life” is very important. On that same question, the number falls to 57 percent of White women and 43 percent of White men.

White women were the largest group to report that getting married and having children was very important. In the most extensive poll conducted on Black women’s lives, Black women proved to be among the most religious groups in the US, according to yesterday’s Washington Post.

Additionally, Black women claim to have more satisfaction with their lives than any other group.  But, we are exponentially more worried about getting HIV or having someone in our family get HIV.  The poll showed that 32% of Black women are concerned about this while only 9% of White women are.

In our world, putting God first gives us the ability to work on reaching our true potential. The poll showed that we perceive our world to be more challenging and treacherous than other groups see their world. We need His power to stay healthy and sexy! For more information about the survey click here.

Suzy

 

 

OraQuick, An In-Home HIV Test, Is Approved

Reproductive Health 1 Comment
AIDS

Ladies, have you always wanted to take an HIV/AIDS test but just couldn’t muster up the courage or the time? Well, finally you can take an HIV test in the privacy of your own home and get the results in only 20-40 minutes. The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) just approved OraSure’s in-home version of its lab diagnostic for HIV testing, OraQuick.

In many countries, large percentages of people pass on the HIV virus to their partners because they do not know that they are infected.  In the US, where 20% of the population is unaware of their HIV status, there are many reasons people don’t get tested. These reasons include not wanting to discuss the topic with their provider as well as providers not offering the test.  Also, not everyone has a regular doctor, and there are many people who don’t want to be seen entering a clinic to get tested.  Not to mention the cost and time factors that are involved. In the US, HIV infection among Black women in large cities is the same as it is many African countries. AIDS is largest cause of death for Black women, and many do not know they’re infected.

OraQuick is an oral test (no needles and blood work here!) and is expected to retail around $40, with a launch date set in October 2012. Its availability along with Truvada®, an antiretroviral that can now be used for prevention, has given women more ammunition to protect themselves against infection and from infecting others.

Be healthy and be sexy!

SuzyKnew

 

The Big V: What’s A Good Filipina Girl To Do?

Filipina Gal Love and Sex Religion No Comments
The Big V

Already a few minutes late, I rush into the classroom, plunk myself down on my assigned seat, breathe deeply a few times, turn to face my partner.

And I freeze.

Über hot bod – check.

Scruffy, cutely messed up hair – check.

Grey eyes, crinkly at the corners – check.

Nice, fresh, minty smell – check.

Halfway done through problem sets (already?!) – check.

Heart-stopping smile – check.

He’s one of those really adorable types that make you starry-eyed and dreamy. I felt like I’d been knocked over in my seat. Unfortunately, this usually means I grin shyly, heart thumping wildly in my chest, glance at him from the corner of my eyes, and CLAM UP COMPLETELY.

Now I don’t know how you go about it, but this has happened to me several times over the years, while I was in the Philippines and other countries – I meet a guy I’m supremely attracted to, and I do NOTHING. Many people have tried counseling me on the matter, some even going so far as to suggest that I just kiss him. There are many reasons I give myself: I might think that the guy’s too drop-dead gorgeous to fall for little ol’ me, who walks around in sneakers and eats too much peanut butter. Or I have no time to be playing footsie when I need to focus on other more important things in my life, like, oh, work or academics. Or he may not be the right person for me, and, really, girl, physical attraction is not the be-all-and-end-all of luuurve. Besides, he really should be the one coming after me, blah blah blah.

But the big V is definitely part of the equation.

Yes, you know which one I am talking about: virginity.

Because, in these situations, boy + girl = sex. Eventually. Hopefully. Exactly – that’s just the thing.

Maybe I’m scared of all the talk and looks I may get. Maybe my parents and family will disapprove. Maybe my reputation as a good, upstanding girl will be ruined. Maybe the ‘no-sex-before-marriage-or-you’ll-burn-in-hell’ thing looms in the horizon like an inevitable monster that’s going to swallow me whole!

Or maybe I just listened to Freestyle’s ‘So Slow’ song far too much throughout my high school days.

The fact of the matter is that, for me, sex for the first time is extremely daunting. It may hurt – or it may not – but that’s not the biggest worry. Losing virginity is the first height of physical intimacy with another person, the real deal when it comes to sharing physical experiences. When I think about it, there’s nothing quite like knowing that another person will be exploring the shapes and planes and softness of the body that only I have come to discover throughout puberty (nope, my parents’ changing my diapers don’t count). Exposing myself in this manner makes me extremely vulnerable, not only physically but emotionally. It’s a space reserved just for me, and to let another person into that space means they’re encroaching – and carving – paths in my innermost feelings and heart. But it doesn’t really end there – what if the relationship is extinguished like a puff of smoke? Will I be able to take it, knowing that there’s somebody walking around, obliviously carrying a little part of me? And, goodness, what about the next time?!

So, first times become like the lamp Aladdin had to get in that cave in the desert – only one who is worthy can enter. Or something like that, and, of course, sooner or later not just with three ‘wishes’.

Even though sex in bf-gf relationships is becoming more acceptable nowadays, I wonder if people still think about the first time they will have sex in this way. Is it good, bad, something I should just accept, or change?

To make matters worse, these myriad of thoughts run through my mind, and I overthink the whole thing. So much so that every time I open my mouth to talk to that cute guy, I freeze. And freeze some more – up until the bell rings and the opportunity walks away on worn-out Chucks, never looking back.

You May Not Be Ready For Depends, But The FDA’s News About Vaginal Mesh Implants Is Still Important

Reproductive Health No Comments

You may not be ready for Depends (diapers for adults with urinary incontinence) but it is still important to know that the FDA has ordered the pharma company Johnson and Johnson to stop selling its vaginal mesh implant Gynecare Prolift.  Vaginal mesh is used to repair pelvic organ prolapse (POP). POP is when your uterus, bladder, urethra, rectum or even the vagina itself begins to drop, fall out of place or “prolapse.” Thirty to forty percent of all women will experience some type of POP in their lifetime, usually after childbirth, a hysterectomy or menopause.

In its less severe stage, this condition is also called overactive bladder – you know when you pee when you laugh or sneeze or don’t quite make it to the bathroom. While POP usually happens to older women, it can happen even to young women – not just their grandmothers. Read the story by a 24-year old woman entitled “The Day I Knew My Future Was in Diapers” on the June 27, 2012 Depends community discussion page: http://www.depend.com/womens-solutions/discussion/daily-living/14000000035

Treatment of POP will depend on which organs are involved and the severity. It can include exercises such as kegel or pelvic floor exercises, which are highly recommended when you’re pregnant, as well as eating high-fiber foods, maintaining a healthy weight and avoiding lifting heavy weights.

But, if your condition is severe, there are different options, including surgery.  But, the FDA issued its first warning about vaginal meshes, whose complications can include mesh erosion, severe infection, vaginal scarring and reoccuring POP, back in October 2008.  The FDA has received thousands of complaints not just about Gynecare Prolift but also Avaluta. Now, the FDA has asked J&J to stop selling their vaginal meshes.  In 2010, there were 100,000 vaginal mesh operations . Other options should be explored with your doctor.

Remember there’s good chance you’ll experience some type of POP in your lifetime and it can be treated successfully. Many women are too embarrassed to discuss the problem. Don’t be. Explore your options online, talk to other women who have experienced POP in online chat discussions or in person, and of course talk to your doctor.

Wishing you good reproductive health.

SuzyKnew

 

Welcome to Cougar Town, Baby! ASK JANICE

Ask Janice Love and Sex 1 Comment
SmilingWoman

Dear Janice,

I’m 51 and have been dating men in my age group for many years. However in recent years I have not been satisfied with them because they can’t satisfy me sexually. Is it possible for me to meet a mature 20- or 30-something to have a long-term and fulfilling relationship with or should I just settle with being with men my own age?

Looking for Sexual Satisfaction in Michigan

*******

Dear Looking,

Cougar: a slang term referring to a woman who dates or is considered desirable among younger men.  Typically, the term refers to women at least 35 years old who pursue men more than seven years younger.

Welcome to Cougar Town, Baby!

Of course it is possible for you to meet a younger man and have a long-term and fulfilling relationship!  And I say, go for it!  But, before you go robbing any cradles (just kidding – it ain’t robbery if it’s given away willingly), you need to be sure about what you really want and adjust your expectations about what you’ll actually get.

The first and most obvious benefit of dating a much younger man is … the hot, steamy, all-night long, sweat your expensive hairstyle out, can’t walk the next day SEX!  Younger men have the benefit of high testosterone levels, healthy bodies and good old-fashioned stamina!    But be careful what you wish for, though!  While we all love a good all-night romp every once in a while, sometimes a girl just wants to watch Letterman and go to sleep!

Also, with a younger man you might get the staying power you need to ensure you’re satisfied, but you don’t always get the skill.  Just because he can keep it up all night doesn’t mean he’ll know what to do with it.  However, from what I hear (from both younger men and the older women they date), many younger men are often very willing to learn from an older woman.

In other words, if you’re patient, you should be able to raise his skill set to your desired level.  After all, younger men aren’t so set in their ways that you can actually teach them new tricks (something you apparently can’t do with older dogs, I mean, men)!  So, if you have the patience to give a few private lessons, a younger man just might be what you need to scratch that itch.

On the other hand, while a younger man may be able to satisfy you sexually, he may not be able to meet many of your other needs outside the bedroom.  For example, a man in his 20’s probably won’t be as financially stable as you are.  And that means, he may not be able to take you on two or three vacations a year, treat you to your favorite restaurants a couple of times a week or even take in a movie or a show.  Unless you’re willing to foot the bill for almost everything, you may have to lower your expectations about how the two of you are entertained (again, outside the bedroom, that is).

Heck, you may even have to lower your expectations about what kind of entertainment you actually enjoy, period!  A man in his 20’s may not be so interested in that Broadway show you’ve been dying to see.  He probably hasn’t heard of a lot of the musicians you’d want to see in concert.  And be honest, how many summer blockbuster movies with exploding cars or world-dominating robots can you sit through before you’d want to scratch your eyes out?

Even if you somehow managed to find some middle ground when it comes to something like music, you might get tired of explaining who your favorite groups are from your youth.  And even though a lot of entertainers from your “era” are still going strong, how can you really explain how awesome groups like the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith or even the Jacksons were before they looked like they needed to use wheelchairs on stage?  Trust me, you can’t.  I’ve tried.

You might also get tired of explaining to your young lover the significance of certain world-changing events that you actually witnessed, like the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Kennedy assassinations, the Tiananmen Square massacre, etc.  After all, these are events which he’s only read about in his history books in school.  Actually, with the way kids learn things now, he’s more likely to have Googled these events, watched a video about them on YouTube or learned about them on Wikipedia.

It goes both ways, too.  I mean, he might get tired of explaining the cultural importance of movies like “Jackass” to you.  And he’s likely going to tire of having to explain that while he didn’t call you when he said he would, he re-tweeted you about the text he sent after he IM’d you that he’d have to cancel your date.  That kind of miscommunication would irritate even the most dedicated of lovers.

And, what if he wants kids and you’re … well, let’s just say that ship has sailed for you…(?  That’s another whole ball of yarn you’ll have to unravel together.

But, I say all that and still I believe that older women can (and do) have successful, fulfilling relationships with much younger men.  Sure, you may have to do a little in-bed training … but, you’ve got all night for them to get it right (‘cuz they can go ALL NIGHT).  And you might have to adjust your expectations about who contributes what in the relationship, especially financially.  You’ll probably have to do a lot of compromising when it comes to finding entertainment options that you’ll both enjoy.  And he’s not always going to get all the cultural references you make during your conversations.

However, like with any relationship it all comes down to communication.  And I mean real communication … the kind that doesn’t take place in cyberspace.  You both have to be clear about what you want from the very beginning.  Then you’ll have to check in with each other periodically to ensure that you’re both still on the same page.

So yeah, it could work for you.  But, you have to be willing to put in the work it’s going to take to sustain such a relationship.  The women I know who have been most successful in their relationships with younger men are open-minded, very flexible and have the patience of a saint.

So, go for it, girlfriend!  Unleash your inner cougar and let me hear your roar!

Love Janice

 

Ask Janice your intimate love question by emailing ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com