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ASK JANICE MENTAL HEALTH SPECIAL, PART 2: I’M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE

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How I Sought and Received Inpatient Mental Health Treatment

To Read Part 1: I’m not Ok – CLICK HERE.

“1st Night: Nervous – how long will I be here? I miss Michael (my son). I miss Facebook. I don’t miss Facebook. I’m glad I did this. Nervous/excited about tomorrow. Ready to work. (Also, I weigh 15 pounds less than I thought!)” Journal Entry, August 22, 2018, 9:15 P.M.

When you first arrive on 4 East, the Behavioral Health Unit of my local hospital, there’s an initial intake process which includes a physical inspection of the patient’s entire body. This happens regardless of the time you arrive, even in the middle of the night. Two nurses who are the same gender the patient identifies as conduct the inspection.

In my case, after a series of intake questions, taking of my vital signs, and a thorough inventory of my personal items (most of which were not allowed on the Unit and had to be locked away until my discharge), two perky women nurses conducted my inspection. One of them looked and instructed me on how to move, bend, lift, and shift; while the other took notes and drew my scars and bruises on a silhouette of the human body.

This was uncomfortable for me because I have a lot of scars on my body, most of which are never seen by other people. The scars are old, but very obvious. And at the time, I believed they had absolutely nothing to do with why I was on the Unit. So, I got a little irritated for the first couple of days when I had to explain, again and again to a new person each time, the old scars covering my body.

I even wrote in my journal that I was sick of getting asked about my old scars, but then I wrote “But isn’t that the point of being here? To deal with old scars?” I decided right then that addressing those old scars could only help my healing. So I patiently played along and told, in great detail, how I got each scar. Doing so did help.

During almost every encounter I had with patients and staff during my first two days on 4 East, I would exclaim something along the lines of “Hey, I’m just happy to be here”. I felt like I had to make that distinction because not every patient on the Unit was there voluntarily. Besides, I really was happy to be there, even with all the rules and restrictions.

There are a lot of little things that make living on 4 East a unique experience, not the least of which is why we’re all there. But, for example, every trash can liner was a brown paper bag, not just because of the hospital’s efforts to be “green”, but also because someone could suffocate themselves with plastic liners. Ink pens could be weaponized, so we were only allowed golf pencils. We used plastic utensils and ate off Styrofoam plates. Even the trays we used to carry our food, cafeteria style, was Styrofoam. If we needed to shave, we had to use carefully distributed razors, and only under close supervision.

In the showers, the water only came on for 45 second intervals. You had to push a button to get it going again. We had no control over the water temperature or pressure, just whether or not it actually ran. It was annoying to keep pushing that button to get wet. But, you get used to it and besides, the water pressure was better than I have at home.

I was nervous at first, like the new kid at a school where everyone already knew each other. And like any new kid who wants to get along, I spent those first hours watching everyone and everything around me. But I did so unobtrusively, because I was afraid of making eye contact with the other patients, at first. This was my first time getting inpatient help and I was afraid to engage anyone. So I kept my head down, but remained watchful.

It wasn’t long before I figured out who the most boisterous and outgoing patients and staff were. I also peeped the quiet ones because, frankly, they made me the most nervous. But the loud ones had huge personalities, and my writer brain couldn’t help but be intrigued by them. It took considerable effort on my part not to get “sucked in” to their stories and focus on myself. I’m not sure if I succeeded, either.

I also got a sense of how long some of my fellow patients had been there. One woman left after only two days. Another man was discharged after one day, but he went to another inpatient facility for substance abuse. And one patient had been there two months when I arrived, with no end in sight.

I’ve always known that mental illnesses manifest themselves differently in different people. But this was my first time seeing these differences up close. Again, the writer in me was fascinated by the different personalities, quirks and foibles. It took a lot of discipline to keep my focus on my own healing.

I spent the first two days observing and getting acclimated. I learned that my individual meetings weren’t really therapy sessions, at all. Instead, they were brief meetings with two doctors: an attending psychiatrist and another psychiatrist; two medical students; a resident; and another person whose title I don’t remember. These meetings never lasted more than 10 minutes, and took place randomly in the mornings after breakfast.

I did have a couple of longer, more detailed meetings with one of the medical students, whom I came to like and respect more than the attending psychiatrist. The medical student used the information I provided to guide the meetings with the entire team. At first I was concerned that a student had so much influence over my case. However, he was skilled at getting to the heart of the matter and, like I said, I liked him more than the Attending.

The most regular and consistent meetings were the different types of group therapies. Patients were assigned to a particular group after an assessment by one of the recreational therapists. I had three daily group sessions: Group Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Recreational Therapy.

Group Therapy, or Group, as we called it was my favorite time of day. Group is exactly what you think it is: a small group of patients (no more than eight or nine), led by a therapist, where we each took turns “sharing” our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I loved Group!

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) got better for me as the week progressed. In these sessions, we learned skills and techniques to help us achieve “balance” in our lives. That’s the way we defined dialectical, as behaving in a way where our “emotional” mind and “rational” mind were in balance, so that we used our “wise” mind. It’s actually more fun than it sounds, and I ended up gaining some valuable skills and knowledge.

Recreational Therapy was my least favorite, even though it was fun. It was exactly as its name implies: recreational activities to engage our minds and enjoy ourselves.

We were done with our groups by 2:00 in the afternoon. With the exception of meal/snack times and visiting times (which only lasted one hour each day), we were pretty free until 11:00 p.m. Of course, there were specific times for showering, and meds were dispensed at planned intervals throughout the day and night. But until the televisions were turned off at 11, patients had A LOT of downtime.
As happy as I was to be there, the downtime got to me. The earlier entries in my journal said things like “Time moves so slowly here”, and “I’m kind of bored. I’m kind of cool with it”.

As a writer, I was tempted to write about the staff and even my fellow patients, because they were all interesting and entertaining. But I was determined not to deflect from my own problems, so I turned inward and, for the most part, kept my entries centered on myself.

So, I spent several hours a day writing on the blank, unlined, scrap paper that was so judiciously doled out from the nurses’ desk. Per the rules, of which there were many, in order to get sharper pencils, I had to trade in my dull ones. I used lots of paper and went through lots of those annoying, little golf pencils.

I should note here that I was on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, as well as a myriad of medications to deal with my high blood pressure and my out-of-control diabetes. I had my blood sugar tested no less than four times a day, and my blood pressure taken so many times, I lost count. Both my glucose levels and my blood pressure were too high during the first several days on the floor. But since the psych meds had me feeling so much better, I didn’t mind.

Don’t get me wrong. The psych meds weren’t a panacea for whatever ailed me. But they did stabilize my mood and helped me focus. Most importantly, they helped clear the fog of depression that had been bogging me down for at least four years. For the first time in far too long, I felt whole, stable and clear-headed.

END OF PART 2. STAY TUNED FOR PART 3

ASK JANICE MENTAL HEALTH SPECIAL, PART 1: I’M NOT OK

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How I Sought and Received Inpatient Treatment for My Mental Illness

I’ve battled chronic depression since my early twenties. I’m 53, now. Over the past three decades, I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression; manic-depressive disorder, later referred to as bi-polar disorder; and chronic depression. My current and seemingly most accurate diagnosis is:

Major Depressive Disorder, single episode, severe without psychotic features.

That’s not only a mouthful, it’s a lot to process. I came to receive this diagnosis about four years too late, during my voluntary, inpatient stay on the mental health ward of my local hospital. My mental health had finally deteriorated enough for me to take the drastic step to “check myself in” and get some real, professional help.

2018 has been particularly bad year for me. I’ve spent most of the year battling thoughts of suicide. From the beginning of the year, I’ve been on a downward spiral mentally, and just couldn’t figure out how to stop it.

This was going on despite my public efforts to eliminate the stigma of mental illness and treatment, especially within the Black community. Over the past few years, I’ve published a couple of essays about my decades-long struggle with mental disease, and I’ve used my social media platforms to educate and raise awareness about mental health issues.

But even my armchair activism couldn’t keep my own darkness at bay. I was sick and getting sicker, looking at my reflection in my mirror every day and whispering, “I’m not o.k.” So, I asked for help … finally.

Full disclosure: I was already in the hospital, by way of an ambulance ride to the ER when I asked for help for my depression. I’d been struggling with stomach issues for months, but since I didn’t have health insurance, I didn’t seek medical care. By the way, my lack of health insurance and money were also the reasons my deteriorating mental health had gone untreated for so long.

My most recent “stomach issues” turned out to be a severe diverticulitis flare-up exacerbated by my diabetes, resulting in an awful infection that left me dehydrated and sick enough to remain hospitalized for five days. While I was still in the ER, I told the attending doctor that I was having suicidal thoughts and wanted to be seen by a psychiatrist. My thinking was that, as I was already being treated without insurance for my medical problems, I might as well get the help I so desperately needed for my mental problems, too.

In other words, I saw an opportunity and grabbed it.

In all honesty, I doubt I would have sought help at all if I hadn’t already been so physically sick. Not only was I uninsured, I was also broke. I work part time at a job I love, but my depression has been so severe, I haven’t been able to handle full time work. I simply could not afford therapy or any more meds than I was already barely taking. So my diverticulitis flare-up probably saved my life.

After I’d been admitted to a regular room, a psychiatrist came to talk to me. He asked me how badly I wanted to get better, and I tearfully told him that I was desperate to get better.

“What are you willing to do to get better?” He held my gaze, not allowing me to look away, even I’d wanted to. Which I didn’t.

“I’ll do anything to get better,” I told him. “I don’t want to feel this way, anymore.”

“Would you consider inpatient treatment here, at this hospital, if I can arrange it?”

“Yes, please. But I don’t have any insurance.”

“Don’t worry about that,” he assured me. “Let me take care of it. As long as you’re willing to be admitted once you’re medically cleared from this floor, it will all work out.”

I cried with relief. It actually took that doctor and another mental health professional (I’m not sure of his title) a lot of string pulling and maneuvering for it to “all work out”. 21st century hospital bureaucracy is still a slow-moving beast. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your perspective), I wasn’t medically cleared to move for four full days. I was just that sick. And even then, it still took another day for me to get transferred.

The other reason I could be transferred was that I worked with a social worker to complete a new Medicaid application. I’d had Medicaid in the past, but for some reason, it was cancelled. Probably because I’d failed to submit the documents necessary to “renew” it. Again, my depression stopped me from handling a lot of personal business. This was just another example of how my mental illness negatively impacted my life.

However, the hospital came to the rescue and I was getting what I wanted: some intense, professional help to deal with my chronic depression. Knowing help was available and imminent lifted my mood tremendously. Before I was even transferred, I felt better.

I immediately decided to journal about my experience with inpatient care. First because on the Behavioral Health Unit, 4 East at my local hospital, patients can’t have access to any devices, the internet, spiral notebooks, or even pens. As an avid user of social media, the prospect of an undetermined amount of time “off line” was daunting.

At least journaling, even in pencil on the unlined scrap paper stingily doled out at the nurses’ desk, would give me a way to focus my healing, write away my anxiety and fill my downtime with something constructive. I probably would have journaled in my own blood on tree bark, had that been a requirement of the Unit. I was just that ready to get better.

End of Part 1. Stay tuned for Part 2.

This Labor Day Take Time For Self-Care: ASK JANICE

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The U.S. celebrates Labor Day on Monday, September 3rd, which means that millions of Americans will have the day off work. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average American works about 44 hours per week. What’s more, a report from the nonprofit Institute for Women’s Policy Research, funded by the National Domestic Workers Alliance, states Black women work longer and harder than any other demographic. This means we’re working way too many hours!

Ladies, unless you’re super rich, you’re probably working way too hard (and still not making enough money, but that’s a post for another day). And our labor doesn’t end at 5:00 – we’re also working just as hard in our private lives. Think about it: Black women are often the primary caregivers for both our parents and other older relatives, as well as for our children. Even in two-parent households, the bulk of child-rearing and housework falls on our shoulders.

And Black women, more than any other demographic, spend a lot of time caring for others. Whether it’s through our churches (where, let’s face it, we do the lion’s share of the hands-on work), our community organizations or our clubs, we’re out here doing thangs.

So, if anyone deserves a day free of labor, Black women do!

Why, then, is it so hard for us to take the time we need to care for ourselves? Why is self-care so difficult for us? Why do we feel guilty when we take some of our precious time for ourselves?

Because women in general, and Black women in particular, have been socialized to be caretakers! That’s why they call us the “mules of the world”, because too often, we’re carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. At the very least, we’re carrying the weight of our Black communities. And the moment we turn our attention inward and focus on ourselves, we feel guilty. The minute we start demanding more leisure time, we’re called lazy. When we want someone to take care of us for a change, we’re called gold-diggers.

But, as the late, great Audre Lorde once said “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” In other words, in order to be our best selves and thrive, we must care for ourselves, even when doing so seems at odds with our life missions and the needs of those who depend on us. After all, you can’t pour from an empty vessel.

We MUST do a better job of getting taking care of ourselves, Sisters! Mind you, self-care isn’t all mani/pedis, massages, and Caribbean vacations with our girlfriends. Self-care can also mean sticking to a reasonable and attainable health regimen; getting our mental health in order; engaging in more healthy relationships, and ridding our lives of toxic people and situations.

Because it’s so hard for us to come up with ways we can better serve ourselves, I’ve developed a short list for you. Hopefully, you’ll be able to spend at least part of this Labor Day engaging in some kind of self-care practice. You’ve certainly earned the right to radically take care of YOU

1. Sleep In or Better Yet, Stay in Bed All Day: When was the last time you slept past 10 AM? Or had a Pajama Day? Girl, sleep as long as you want, and then spend the day in your nightie watching bad daytime television, catching up on all your DVR’d shows, or binge watching something binge-worthy.

2. Take Some Time to Meal Plan for the Week Ahead: Let’s be honest. Despite your best intentions and your New Year’s Resolution to eat healthier, you’ve been too busy to actually meal plan. You’ve been eating out too often, grabbing the most convenient thing you can find. Which means you’re probably eating fast food or carryout. This Labor Day, take a few hours to actually plan your meals for the week. Stock your fridge with fresh fruits and veggies. Bake a chicken, make a pot of healthy soup, or cook something else that you can nibble on all week. Taking just one day to do this can make a huge difference in your health and your wallet.

3. Say “No” to Anything That Doesn’t Serve You: Sisters, we have got to get better at saying to “no” to things we don’t want to do and things that actually may be harmful to us. Tell that relative that always borrows money “No”. Tell that co-worker you’re always helping “No”. You don’t have to offer any explanations, either. “No” can be a complete sentence all by itself. Get better at saying “No”, and focus only on what serves YOU.

Young black beauty with afro hairstyle

4. Research Mental Health Care for Yourself: As it is a national holiday, most therapists’ and doctors’ offices will be closed. However, Google is always open! Take an hour or two to do some online research on the mental health care options available to you. No matter how happy you may be right now, your mental health requires the same diligent maintenance as your physical health. However, chances are, you already know you could use some help. One barrier to your getting the help you need (besides the stigma and cost) may have been that you just haven’t had time to look into it. Well, now you have an entire day to see what’s out there, see what your insurance will cover, etc. Don’t squander this chance to do what you know you need to do.

5. Exercise: If you’re anything like me, you haven’t exercised enough, lately. A day off of work is the perfect time to get back on track. Keep it simple, though. Don’t over plan or overdo it. That will only set you up for failure. Instead, maybe walk for 20 minutes in the morning, and then another 20 minutes in the evening. Starting on a day when you’re relaxed will help you realize how easy it can be to incorporate exercise into your daily schedule.

6. Catch Up On Your Reading: That book sitting on your nightstand? Take some time to at least start it! Those books pilling up on your E-reader? Go ahead and get started on them. Reading is relaxing and therapeutic, but we’re often too busy to indulge. Use this holiday to read and allow yourself to be transported to another world.

7. Start a Journal: Many women find journaling to be a great way to work through their problems. At the very least, journaling allows you a chance to vent. Keeping all those feelings inside just isn’t healthy, Sis. They need to come out. Starting and keeping a journal may be just the thing you need to help you get through whatever it is you’re going through. And if you’re worried about privacy, you can always buy one of those fancy diaries that lock. Or simply keep it password safe on your computer.

I hope this list helps! However you choose to spend Labor Day, I hope you have a fabulously, healthy good day!
Janice

Long Live The Queen – An ASK JANICE Tribute

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In the coming days, much will be written and said about the indomitable Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, who departed this earthly realm on Thursday, August 16, 2018 at age 76. Though not unexpected in the end because she’d been sick for a while, her passing still leaves an enormous void. Aretha Franklin was truly an American treasure and a musical icon.

I’m no way near qualified to comment on the Queen’s prolific, six decades, genre-crossing musical career. I mean, the woman released her first album in 1956 and her last one in 2017, releasing music during every decade in between. She amassed 112 Billboard hit singles, including 20 #1s, making her the most charted female recording artist in history.

I’m not worthy enough to even comment on all that.

Really, no one is.

But “Rere” was raised in my hometown of Detroit from the time she was little. That makes her my home girl, so I can’t let this moment pass without offering my own small tribute to the Queen in my own way. That’s all this is.

Everyone has their favorite “Aretha” music. Some prefer the gospel music from which she got her start, and to which she returned many times throughout her career. Others prefer her more pop-styled music, including her duets with various pop artists and other hits from the 80s and 90s.

For me personally, I appreciate how her mid-60s, Atlantic Records music gave voice to the heartache, angst and passion of a woman in and out of love. During this era, Aretha Franklin sang about grown folk’s shit in a way that didn’t hide from the ugly parts. This is my favorite “Aretha” music.

Yes, her iconic “RESPECT” is one of those songs from that time. But I’m also talking about songs like “Dr. Feel Good”, “I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)”, “Don’t Play That Song (You Lied)”, “Natural Woman”, and “Ain’t No Way”.

Some of these songs were covers, but Aretha made them her own. I recently read a Tweet that said once Aretha Franklin covered your song, it was no longer your song. Truer words were never said. Just listen to her rendition of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, in addition to “Respect” and “Natural Woman” for proof.

These songs reach deep down into your soul and pull out all of your feelings for you to experience over and over again. Each voice riff and octave change trembles with the emotion of every passionate love affair you’ve ever had, good or bad. Like the Blues greats who paved the way for her, Ms. Franklin’s raw delivery and candid expressions of love and hurt resonate in ways pop artists can never really replicate.
I’ll be honest. When I was a little girl growing up in Detroit in the 70s and 80s, I sang along to Aretha Franklin’s hits as they were released, quickly learning all the words like a pro. But I had absolutely no idea what I was singing. It’s like what elders say to young people when a jam comes on the radio “Y’all don’t know nothin’ ‘bout this”! I really didn’t “know nothin’”.

 

It wasn’t until the late 80s and early 90s when I re-visited her early music as an adult that I truly appreciated Aretha’s more bluesy songs. I had to become a grown ass woman myself, with a few passionate love affairs and heartbreaks under my belt, before could I really get the Queen’s heartfelt lyrics.

Take 1967’s “I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You)”, for example. It opens with “You’re a no-good heartbreaker. You’re a liar. And you’re a cheat. And I don’t know why I let you do these things to me. My friends keep telling me that you ain’t no good. But, oh, they don’t know that I’d leave you if I could.”

Listen. If you’re a woman who’s made it to a certain age in life, you’ve probably said, or at least felt, some version of these words. You may not want to admit it, but we’ve all been there in some way, shape or form.  And that’s what I came to love about the Aretha Franklin songs from that period, in particular. That raw truth, belted out in that distinctive Aretha Franklin voice, clearly expressed the things I was going through. Singing along with her, at the top of my off-key lungs, was a cathartic experience, releasing all my pain and heartache in a glorious two or three minutes of bluesy bliss.

It wasn’t all heartache and bad love, though. One of my other favorite Aretha Franklin songs from that era is “Dr. Feelgood” from the 1967 “I Never Loved a Man” album. In this song, with its bluesy pacing and double-entendre lyrics, Rere gets real about the good lovin’ she gets from her man. My favorite part of this song is where she sings “Don’t send me no doctor filling me up with all those pills. I got me a man named Dr. Feelgood and oh yeah, that man takes care of all my pains and my ills.” She later ends with “Good God Almighty, that man sure makes me feel real good!”

If you’re lucky, you’ve experienced your own Dr. Feelgood, and you can relate to this song. If you’re lucky, you know exactly what it means to be loved so good you don’t want anyone hanging around you and your man. If you’re lucky, this song resonates with you in ways that make you blush.

And that’s the power of Aretha Franklin’s music. It makes you feel.

I know that Aretha Franklin was so much more than the Detroit preacher’s daughter whose songs gave voice to my every emotion. She was also a valiant fighter for justice, once offering to pay for Angela Davis’ legal fees. She was a high school drop-out with two kids by the time she was 14 years old who went on to receive 10 honorary degrees. She was a recovering alcoholic and domestic violence survivor who went on to command the kind of respect others only dream about, demanding and receiving cash payments UP FRONT for her many performances and appearances. She was a Diva with a capital “D” who was also a doting grandmother who proudly attended her grandchildren’s school programs.

She was my home girl from Detroit. And she was so much more.

Aretha Franklin truly was the Queen of Soul, and she left an indelible mark on this world. I myself feel blessed to have been alive during her earthly reign.

Long live the Queen!

ASK JANICE: Why Didn’t My Boyfriend ‘Put A Ring On It?’

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Dear Janice,
Six months ago – my boyfriend ended our relationship. And, I’m still not over him. The worst part is that he’s moved on. He’s now engaged to another woman! We had been together for three years and for me, the breakup came completely out of the blue. One minute, I was in a happy, committed relationship and the next minute, I’m alone.

He said he needed space and that he just wasn’t happy with me anymore. Then the next thing I know, our mutual friends are telling me that he’s engaged to someone else.

That should have been me wearing that ring. I should be planning my wedding with him, not her!

What’s wrong with me? Help me, please! I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him!

Sad and Alone
*****
Dear Sad and Alone,
As you read my response, I want you to imagine Idina Menzel’s voice in your ear, singing “Let it Go” from Disney’s hit film “Frozen”. Because, and you already know this, you really need to let him go, Sis.

One of the first things we women tend to do after a breakup is go over everything we did wrong in the relationship. While post-relationship reflection is necessary and important, we have to be careful not to go on a self-blaming spree. Your breakup wasn’t necessarily about anything you did. It probably had nothing to do with you, at all! It could have been something as simple as: his feelings changed. It happens.
That’s not to minimize your pain, though. Your pain and disappointment are real and completely normal. I just don’t want you to blame yourself, anymore.

No one is perfect within a relationship; everyone makes mistakes. So no matter how often you replay every conversation in your head, and dissect every argument you had during your three years together, you may never know why it ended. Obviously, you weren’t the one for him and he wasn’t the one for you. Obsessing about it won’t change the fact that he’s moved on with his life.
Getting over a relationship isn’t easy, especially when it wasn’t your choice to end it. You were with him for three years, so six months mourning the end isn’t really all that long. But, the fact that you’re seeking help to get past it is a sign that finally, you’re ready to move on with your life. And that’s a good thing.

Some say the best way to get over one man is to get “under” another one. That is, get a new guy. I know, I know! That’s much easier said than done. I know how hard it is in these dating streets. And I’m certainly not going to advocate that you just start jumping into bed with any man that shows an interest in you! However, there is something to be said for getting “out there” and actively dating again.

You’ll want to start slowly, of course. And stick close to home. Put the word out to your close friends that you’re available and interested in dating. Allow yourself to be fixed up by people who know you well. Finally give that one guy you’ve kept in the “friend zone” a chance. Be open to blind dates (in safe, public locations, of course). Consider online dating, even.

Getting out there and dating again just may give your self-confidence the boost it needs. Not that you should seek validation from other men to feel good about yourself, of course. But it wouldn’t hurt. Just be sure to keep it casual, at first. Don’t go looking to give your heart to someone new right away. Play the field, a little.

But the MOST important thing you can do to get over your ex is FORGIVE. Forgiveness is essential to happiness. You can’t really move on until you’ve totally forgiven him. Forgive him for leaving. Forgive him for getting over you so quickly. Forgive him for finding someone new.
Forgiving your ex will bring you the freedom from heartbreak that you seek. Forgiving him will allow your heart to really heal. And it’s definitely time for you to heal, Sis. You’ve been hurting long enough.

And forgive yourself. Whatever you think you did wrong … let it go. Forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes you made. Forgive yourself for “losing” him. Forgive and allow yourself to fully love yourself, again. Because we all know that we can’t fully give or receive love until we love ourselves, first and foremost.

To be honest, I think you dodged a bullet with this one. If he got engaged so quickly, that other woman may have been in the picture before your relationship officially ended. And clearly, he just wasn’t the one for you. It’s a good thing he removed himself from your life before you wasted any more time on him. You should probably even thank him!

Your happiness is out there, Sis. You just have to get out there and grab it.

Good luck!

First published September 6, 2016

ASK JANICE Special: Michelle Williams Seeks Help For Mental Illness

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Greetings, SuzyKnew! Readers!

Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams made news this week when she reportedly checked herself into a healthcare facility to seek help with her depression. The singer-songwriter, Broadway actor and pop star has spoken publicly about her struggles with depression before, and has also been a vocal advocate for mental health.

That is no small feat for a member of one of the best-selling female singing groups of all time.
The gorgeous Ms. Williams, who turns 38 on July 23rd, took to Twitter this week to explain, saying

“For years I have dedicated myself to increasing awareness of mental health and empowering people to recognize when it’s time to seek help, support and guidance from those that love and care for your wellbeing,” the singer wrote. She “sought help from a great team of healthcare professionals. … Today I proudly, happily and healthily stand here as someone who will continue to always lead by example as I tirelessly advocate for the betterment of those in need.”

Not only do I applaud Ms. Williams for her transparency, I’m in awe of her bravery. I know first-hand how hard it is to publicly talk about struggling with a mental illness. I’m not a celebrity, but I have written and published a few articles about my own battles, and believe me, it ain’t easy. So I can imagine how hard it must be for someone with Michelle Williams’ star power and recognition to be so vulnerable about such a sensitive topic. That’s why I have nothing but high praise and appreciation for her.

Mental illness is as prevalent in the Black community as anywhere else, yet it’s so stigmatized we barely talk about it. And that stigma is literally killing us! While suicide rates in the U.S. among Black people remains lower than our white counterparts, they have increased in recent years (according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). It’s heartbreaking to think about how many lives could’ve been saved had those people sought and received the help they needed. Studies show that one of the biggest barriers to getting help for Black people is the stigma associated with having mental illness or disease.

As I pointed out in an article published here on SuzyKnew a few years ago, many of us rely on platitudes like “Pray on it”, “Take it to Jesus” or “Talk to Pastor about it”, instead of confronting the issue and talking about it with one another, or getting professional help. We tend to sweep those symptoms we see in our loved ones under the rug or pass them off as quirks.

But silence is deadly when it comes to depression, as we’ve seen time and again. Substance abuse, domestic partner violence, rape/sexual assault and other violent crimes are often rooted in untreated mental illnesses. The only way to eliminate the stigma of mental illness in the Black community (and elsewhere) is to talk about it as candidly and as often as possible. We need to normalize the treatment of mental ailments the same way we view treating hypertension, heart disease or diabetes, all of which also plague African Americans in alarmingly high numbers. (You can read the entire piece here: https://suzyknew.com/5425-2/)

That’s why I’m so proud of Michelle Williams and can’t thank her enough for being so open with her struggles. I wish her wholeness and healing, and all good things going forward. I wish that for you as well, Sisters!

Will The Current Focus On Sex Crimes Help Black Women?

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These days, stories of sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape allegations against powerful men seem to dominate the headlines.  Everyone from Hollywood bigwigs to senatorial candidates have been accused of one or more of these crimes.  New accusations hit the news daily, filling our newsfeeds and airwaves.  In 2016, whenever I saw a celebrity trending, I worried they’d died.  Now when someone famous trends, I wonder who they raped.

The salacious stories of well-known men being called out for their criminal and abhorrent behavior certainly has tongues wagging.  But to what end?  Will all this notoriety mean more women will be believed when they report these crimes?  Will more people believe Black women, in particular?  I’m not optimistic that it will.

But before I go any further, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page when it comes to defining these crimes.

Sexual Harassment is legally defined as bullying or coercion of a sexual nature, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favors; unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature; can also include offensive comments about a person’s sex or gender identity.  (Source: E.E.O.C.)

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), Sexual Assault, is contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim.  Some forms include attempted rape, fondling or unwanted sexual touching, forcing a victim to perform sexual acts like oral sex or penetrating a perpetrator’s body, or penetrating the victim’s body (also known as rape).

While Rape is a form of sexual assault, not all sexual assault is rape.  The F.B.I. defines rape as penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.

Now that we know what we’re talking about, let’s look at some numbers. According to statistics provided by the United States Bureau of Justice, the F.B.I., Department of Justice, the Department of Health and Human Services, and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, the following are true as of April, 2017:

  • 1 in 3 women, ages 18-34 have been sexually harassed at work;
  • 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime;
  • 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will experience attempted rape in their lifetime;
  • In 8 out of every 10 rapes, the victim knows the perpetrator (80%); and
  • 1 in every 7 sexual assault victims is under the age of six (6).

These are just a few of the statistics which illustrate how pervasive sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape are in the United States, where every 98 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted.

Heartbreaking, right?

With all the current hoopla about famous men committing these sex crimes, I fear that the sheer volume of girls and women victimized by men who aren’t famous will be lost in the fray.  I’m especially worried for Black girls and women, 20% of whom will be raped in their lifetime.

Now that these crimes are front and center, will our (Black girls’ and women’s) cries finally be heard?  Will our stories finally garner as much sympathy as white women’s stories?

I’m not hopeful.  The fact is, we’re rarely heard or believed.  And when we are, we rarely get justice, even in some of these high-profile cases.

For example, of all the Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein accusers, the only one he publicly denied was Lupita Nyong’o, the only famous Black woman to come forward.  (See SuzyKnew’s coverage of Ms. Nyong’o’s story here.) 

More recently, HBO’s “Girls” creator and star, Lena Dunham came under heavy fire for her defense a writer-producer on her show accused of rape.  Murry Miller, a white man, was accused of rape by Black actress, Aurora Perrineau.  Dunham initially defended him when the allegations were made public.  Ironically, she did so after publicly voicing her opinion that alleged assault/rape victims should ALWAYS be believed.

Then there’s R&B crooner, R. Kelly.  (Insert hard eye roll and heavy sigh, here.)  Allegations of Kelly’s sexual assault and rape of young girls go back decades.  His sick predilection for young girls is well-documented, yet he not only enjoys his freedom, his musical career actually flourishes!  That’s because his prey aren’t just young girls, they’re young Black girls!

Trust and believe that if even one of the girls Kelly (a Black man) raped were white, he’d be singing from a prison cell.  But since his many (and there are so many) victims are Black girls, he’s out here, free as a bird, touring and making millions.

The saddest part about R. Kelly’s continued success is that his biggest fans are Black women.  Our own sisters are the ones buying his records and going to his concerts!

Good God, misogynoir and patriarchy have done a number on our psyches, haven’t they?  I mean, seriously.  The demographic who should be calling for his prosecution the loudest are the main ones lining his pedophiliac pockets.  Ugh!

When it comes to Black women and sexual harassment, I have just two names for you: Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas.  In 1991, when Hill (a Black woman) famously accused then United States Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas (a Black man) of sexually harassing her while he was her boss at the U.S. Department of Education and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (E.E.O.C.), not only did she have to undergo hours of degrading Congressional hearings, she was excoriated by the public.  She was threatened and publicly humiliated.  In the end, Thomas was appointed to the highest court in the land, where he still serves to this very day.

Had Hill been a white woman, I’m sure Thomas’ nomination would have been dead in the water faster than lightning.  But again, the words of a Black woman were disregarded in favor of a man’s career and reputation.  Thankfully, Hill has gone on to have a successful career in academia, the law, and as a published author.  And the current laws about sexual harassment in the workplace are largely a result of her brave testimony.  But Thomas still got a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.

I know that all women, regardless of race, are sexually harassed, sexually assaulted and raped at alarming rates.  And I know that our patriarchal, misogynistic, rape culture-infested world with its toxic masculinity makes it too easy for these crimes to flourish unchecked.  But I also know that the responses to Black women who report these crimes are far less sympathetic than those responses given to white women.  In a world dominated by white supremacy, if white women are rarely believed, you know Black women aren’t taken seriously.

It’s almost as though folks don’t want to believe that we can be harassed, assaulted or raped.  It’s kind of like that outdated thinking that sex workers can’t be raped … as if their very existence negates the possibility that these crimes can be committed against them.  Too often, it’s the same for Black girls and women.

We need to address how we handle the reporting of these crimes, in general, and by Black women specifically.  To treat us differently is to de-value our humanity.

No woman (or man; or girl or boy) deserves to be sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, or raped.  And Black women’s claims about these crimes need to be taken seriously.  Our very lives depend on it!

Photo Credits: Sisterspace.com, PlannedParenthoodAction.org, Woman.ng

 

ASK JANICE Special: Grief And The Holidays

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Tips for the Grieving and Those Who Love Them

Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, the end of the calendar year marks a whirlwind time of holiday dinners, parties and events.  Suddenly, our lives revolve around rich food, holiday decorations, shopping and gifts.  The pressures of frantic shopping, non-stop cooking and having to wear happy faces and obnoxious holiday sweaters can be overwhelming when life is good.  It can be especially difficult when you’re grieving.

Let me re-phrase that.  It can be brutal when you’re grieving.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one and are facing your first (or second, or third) holiday season without them, the recent onset of holiday music and the proliferation of Christmas decorations can be devastating.  And that’s okay.  It’s normal.  Trust me.  I know how hard it is to make it through all the expressions of joy and good cheer when your heart is broken into a million little pieces.

You’re not alone.

And, I also know how hard it is to love someone who’s grieving during the holidays, too.   You may feel guilty about being happy when your loved one is so sad.  You never know if you should leave them alone to grieve, or if you should encourage them to get out and have some fun.  Should you call and check on them?  Or will that make them sad if you happen to call when they’re feeling relatively happy?  It’s hard to know the right thing to do, isn’t it?

You’re not alone, either.

Whether you’re grieving this holiday season or know someone who is, I got you!  With some help, I’ve put together some tips for both the grieving soul and the folks who love a grieving soul to help you all navigate this holiday season.

TIPS FOR THE GRIEVING:

  1. ACKNOWLEDGE that this holiday season will be different and harder than in the past. Own your truth, don’t try to deny it.  And most importantly, ALLOW yourself to feel what you feel: joy, anger, sadness, glee … whatever, just FEEL it!
  2. BE HONEST and tell people how you feel about participating (or not) in certain events this year. Be clear with your friends and family about both what you want to do and what you don’t want to do.  Give them plenty of notice if you’re not going to follow your usual holiday routine and understand that even if they’re not happy about it, they’ll get over it.
  3. Set REALISTIC expectations about what you will do, cook, decorate, etc. Don’t over-commit yourself when you’re feeling particularly good or high energy.  Remember that grief is often a wave of emotions.  You may feel up to it today, but not tomorrow.
  4. Keep the TRADITIONS you want to keep, and let go of the rest. And don’t feel guilty about it!  You don’t have to carry on certain traditions because your late loved ones liked them.  It’s your choice, so only do what you’re comfortable doing.
  5. Avoid ISOLATING YOURSELF! You may be tempted to avoid all the hoopla and stay in bed from Veterans Day until after New Years, but don’t.  Completely isolating yourself won’t help your grief, won’t bring your loved one back, nor is it healthy.
  6. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, SKIP sending HOLIDAY CARDS, DECORATING, or even certain EVENTS if you want, and don’t feel guilty about it!
  7. Select a few SPECIAL ITEMS that belonged to your late loved one and gift them to friends or family who will appreciate them.
  8. Make a DONATION to a charity in your late loved one’s name.
  9. Make a MEMORIAL ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one.
  10. JOURNAL when you’re having a particularly bad day.
  11. GET HELP. Seek professional help, if necessary. Don’t try to “white knuckle” it on your own.  There are licensed professionals available to help you.  Say yes to help!
  12. Practice SELF CARE. Put yourself first. Drink plenty of water and get lots of sleep.  Pay attention to your eating habits … even with all the rich food, make sure you’re getting enough fruits and veggies.  Hydrate, exfoliate, meditate, and relax whenever you can!
  13. Have an ESCAPE PLAN. If you do attend the office parties, the family dinners, etc., drive yourself so that you can leave whenever you want. Or take an Uber.  Or call a cab.  Just be able to leave when it all becomes too much!
  14. Create NEW TRADITIONS. Now is a great time to establish new traditions, designed the way you want. Do it, and don’t feel guilty!
  15. Remember that it’s OKAY TO BE HAPPY! Enjoying yourself doesn’t mean you love or miss your loved one any less. In fact, what better way to honor their memory than to have fun?  So go ahead and allow yourself to experience joy this season.  It’s what they’d want you to do!

(Sources: What’s Your Grief dot com; Vitas Healthcare; Huff Post)

 

TIPS FOR HELPING SOMEONE WHO’S GRIEVING:

  1. Remember that EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY. Respect the way your friend grieves.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  Even if you think your friend should’ve “gotten over it by now”, don’t say so.  In fact, if that’s what you think, you’re probably not that great a friend anyway, so …
  2. Be a GOOD LISTENTER! It used to drive me crazy when people tried to comfort me by talking non-stop about their own losses or issues.  THAT DOES NOT HELP!!  Let the grieving person do most of the talking.  If they don’t want to talk, allow them to be quiet.  Either way, LISTEN more and talk less.
  3. Remember that the way YOU want to celebrate may not MATCH THE WAY your grieving loved one wants to celebrate. Don’t be offended they just aren’t up for the usual holiday hijinks.  Still invite them because they don’t want to be left out, but without the pressure.  Always allow them an “out”.
  4. No news isn’t necessarily good news. If you haven’t heard from your grieving loved one for several days CALL THEM!  Don’t send a text.  Don’t inbox them or send a private message via social media.  Pick up the phone and CALL THEM.  Your call may be the only thing that gets them out of bed that day.
  5. It’s OKAY IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! No one expects you to have all the answers, so if you don’t know what to say, that’s cool.  It’s better to just say “I love you and I’m here” than to fill the dead air with platitudes and clichés.  I know it’s awkward and it’s hard.  But trust me.  “I love you and I’m here” can be enough.
  6. Encourage them to TALK ABOUT THEIR LOVED ONE! One of the hardest things for someone in mourning is the feeling that everyone is tired of hearing them talk about their dearly departed.  Talking about our lost loved ones helps us mourn them.  So please, allow them to talk as much as they want!
  7. AVOID GIVING ADVICE! Just … stop.  Don’t.  For real.  Now is NOT the time.
  8. Don’t use the holiday season as an opportunity to EXPLAIN THE LOSS. Again, now is not the time.  Words like “it’s God’s will” and “This is for the best” may sound good in your head, but they don’t at the holiday table.
  9. HELP with PRACTICAL tasks. Especially if your mourning loved one usually does the cooking or hosts the party.  Offer to either take over or help them, because this year will be very different.
  10. BE AVAILABLE. Don’t expect reciprocity when it comes to communicating. You may have to be the one who always initiates contact for now.  Keep reaching out, even if you have to leave messages.  Don’t make the person feel guilty for not responding, but let them know that you’re there, you love them, and you want to help.  These are the messages they need to hear most.

(Source: CancerCare.com)

Can you think of any more tips for the holiday season?  Please leave them in the comments below.  In the meantime, have a safe and happy holiday season!

 

ASK JANICE SPECIAL: How Do We Respond To Domestic Violence?

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this year, the issue of domestic and intimate partner violence hit particularly close to home.  My friend’s daughter’s allegedly abusive boyfriend shot her in the head several months ago.  I say allegedly, as the court case is still pending.  That he shot her isn’t in dispute, though.  He’s admitted to that.  Thankfully, she survived.  But her recovery, though miraculous, is long and arduous.

But this column isn’t about my friend’s daughter, or any one of the many cases I learned about this year.  Rather, it’s more about we respond to these stories.

Here’s what I mean: at the beginning of the month, I shared a story on my Facebook page about a mother of three young children who’d recently been murdered by her husband.  One of my FB friends, a man whom I deeply respect and admire, commented “This is horrible!  Where are the brothers on this?  We men really have to teach our girls what to do when a man puts his hands on them!”

His heart was, and is, in the right place.  In fact, he’s one of the few of my many male Facebook friends who publicly speaks out against domestic violence.  But I think his response to the story I shared, though a common one, was a little off, which I gently (I hope) told him in my reply.  I said, “How about the brothers teach boys and men how not to be abusers?”

You see, he’s not alone in his assumption that the onus is on girls and women to prevent abuse.  Just like the outdated thinking that a woman can prevent being raped based on her choice of clothing, this mindset completely absolves the abuser of any responsibility.  As the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) says on their website, “it is solely the choice of the abuser to abuse.”

You’d think that in 2017, we’d be past counselling an abused woman to modify her behavior so that her husband or partner won’t hit her.  Sadly, we’re not.  Too often, the person being abused is blamed for their torment, especially when it’s physical.

As the NCADV further states, “unfair blame is frequently put upon the victim of abuse because of assumptions that victims choose to stay in abusive relationships.  The truth is, bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave; it is a matter of the victim being able to safely escape their abuser, the abuser choosing to stop the abuse, or others (e.g., law enforcement, courts, etc.) holding the abuser accountable for the abuse they inflict.”

That’s not to say that the person being abused doesn’t have a responsibility for their own health, safety and well-being.  But it’s not their fault they get beaten or otherwise abused.  The fault and blame lie squarely on the shoulders of the person inflicting the abuse.  Period.

Besides, it isn’t always a matter of “just leaving” an abusive situation.  There may be financial barriers, child custody issues, and other legal impediments, as well as a general lack of resources and somewhere to go that may prevent someone from leaving.

And there is the fact that the most dangerous time for a person being abused is from the moment their abuser even suspects they’re planning to leave up to one full year after they do leave.  This is when most domestic violence homicides occur because abuse often continues even after the survivor escapes.  Abusers will continue to stalk, threaten, harass, and try to control the survivors, even when the law says they should leave them alone.

Consider these statistics: one-fifth of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within 2 days of obtaining the order; one-third are murdered within the first month.

Further, 20% of intimate partner homicide victims weren’t even the ones being abused!  They were other family members, friends, neighbors, law enforcement responders, or even innocent by-standers! (NCADV)

So “just leaving” an abusive relationship can prove deadly, not just for the person being abused, but anyone who tries to help.  That’s why escaping domestic violence requires careful planning and should involve the experts.

And escape is a must.  Domestic violence kills, and grows deadlier every year, largely due to the proliferation of guns.  When a gun is present in an intimate partner violence situation, the risk of homicide increases by 500%!  And while men can be abused, statistically, more women tend to die.  For example, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims tend to be girls and women.  In the United States alone, there have already been 484 gun-related, domestic violence fatalities as of October 10, 2017.  (NCADV)

Guns aren’t the only problem, though.  Only 34% of people injured by an intimate partner get the medical attention they need for their injuries.  I suspect this is a conservative estimate (from NCADV), though.  It’s almost impossible to measure who doesn’t seek medical treatment for abuse.  Also, untreated injuries can, over time, can lead to life-threatening medical problems; not to mention how the psychological effects of repeated trauma can (and often does) shorten a sufferer’s life.

Still.  Despite these statistics, which are available to anyone with access to an internet connection, the knee-jerk response seems to be how we need to teach our daughters, nieces, sisters, etc., how not to be abused.  Just like we (and by “we”, I mean all of us) police the behavior and fashion choices of girls and women to prevent them from being raped or sexually assaulted, we place the onus of being safe on those statistically more likely to be harmed rather than on those statistically more like to do the harm: men.

Why is this?  I recently saw a social media post which raises this issue.  I can’t remember the exact wording of the post, but it basically pointed out that we know all the statistics about how many women are abused (see all my above stats), harassed, assaulted and raped, but hardly any of the statistics about how many men commit these crimes.

I can cite many of the stats I’ve listed above in my sleep.  What I can’t do is tell you what percentage of men commit rape.  I’m not familiar with how many men sexually harass women in the workplace.  I don’t know how many young men, 18-24 years old, have engaged in intimate partner violence; but I do know that young women, 18-24 years old, are the group most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

So I’m just as guilty of not holding men accountable for these crimes as anyone else.  And that’s a huge problem.  I believe that we absolutely must focus on helping, healing and saving the millions of girls and women who get abused.  Of course we must also focus on helping, healing and saving the many boys and men who get abused, too.  But we also have to do better about holding the (mostly) men responsible for committing these crimes accountable.  We need to focus more of our energy on teaching boys and men how not to be abusers in the first place, despite their backgrounds, upbringing and everything they’ve been taught about manhood and masculinity.

I, for one, am totally over reminding men that they have mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, etc. to get them to actually care about issues like domestic and intimate partner violence.  Honestly, that it takes a man having a daughter to realize that girls and women are actually human beings deserving of respect makes my stomach hurt.  And it makes me realize that we (again, everyone is culpable here, including me) do a horrible job of raising men if they don’t recognize a woman’s humanity until they have a daughter of their own.

We have to do better.

In the meantime, we need to be intentional in our efforts to involve men in the fight against domestic and intimate violence.  Keep talking to the boys and men in your life about this issue.  Don’t limit your cautionary tales to girls; include the boys, too.  Teach them how to treat girls and women with respect and basic decency.  Free yourself from the mindset that it’s only on girls and women to control how men treat them, and teach boys and men to control themselves.

One of my Facebook friends, a man, suggested that just like we have a sex crimes registry, we should also have a public registry for anyone convicted of domestic abuse.  I “loved” his post, of course, because I wholeheartedly agree.  That’s a good place to start, anyway.

What do you think?  How can we do a better job of raising boys into men who don’t abuse?  What can the men you know do?  Leave a comment below, please.  We’ve got to get to work quickly!

Photo Credits: Essence.com, SwagHer.com

When Will He Take Our Relationship Seriously? ASK JANICE

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Dear ASK JANICE:

I’ve been dating a guy for about 7 years now, and he is not taking me seriously.  If any of his friends want to get married, he tells them I’m available.  What should I do?

Signed,

Not Taken Seriously

***

Dear Not Taken Seriously:

Seven years?  Sister, I think you already know what you should do:  LEAVE HIM.

You deserve so much better than this.  You’ve given this man seven years of your life, and if he hasn’t taken you seriously by now, he never will.  Don’t waste another minute of your precious time with this fool.

RECLAIM YOUR TIME!

Listen.  You’re not alone, here.  Most of us women have been right where you are, wasting our time on a man who will never love us the way we deserve to be loved.  In fact, I know a woman who waited DECADES for a proposal that never came!

It makes you wonder why these men do this to us, doesn’t it?  Why do they keep stringing us along, taking for granted that we’ll always be there when they call?

The answer is simple, Ladies: because we let them.

Some of us are so scared of being alone that we’ll settle for situations where we’re nothing more than an afterthought.  Instead of waiting for the kind of relationship that we really want, we’ll settle for these men who do nothing but take: take our time, our love, our bodies, our money, and our souls.  And nine times outta ten, these dudes will turn around and marry someone else (younger, skinnier, prettier) in a heartbeat.

STOP letting this man walk all over your heart.  STOP letting this man take up space in your life when he doesn’t even deserve the time of day from you.  STOP letting fear of loneliness keep you in a situation that isn’t good for you.

STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!

The change begins with YOU, Sister.  You’ve got to demand more from the men you date.  Forget this loser.  He’s a lost cause.  As long as he knows he can treat you like crap and get away with it, he’ll never change.

You’re the one who has to change.  You have to start loving and respecting yourself enough to know that you deserve a loving, committed, and respectful relationship.  Otherwise, you’ll end up right back where you are now even if you get rid of this joker (and I pray you do).

Remember, what you allow will continue.  No man is ever going to love you the way you want and deserve until you love yourself enough to stop putting up with bullshit like this.  You’re the one who shows others how they should treat you.

I know leaving this man won’t be easy.  After all this time, you’ve invested a lot of your heart into him.  But he isn’t the one for you.

Let me say that again.  He isn’t the one for you.

The right man will love you the way you deserve and won’t have you begging for scraps like a dog at the table.  The right man will respect you enough to give you the kind of relationship you want.

The right man is out there, Sis.  But he’ll never find you if you don’t love yourself enough to move your current guy out of his way.

I hope you allow the happiness you deserve to find you soon.

Good luck.

Photo Credit: Enigma in Black – WordPress

*Original edited for clarity