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Wash Away Your Sexual Ghosts During All Saints Day

Opinion Religion No Comments

Not only do we have ghosts from failed relationships, we have ghosts from failed sexual ventures, resulting from bad timing, poor body image or sexual experiments gone wrong.

We can be haunted by a failed attempt to give pleasure (like using our teeth instead of our tongue) or our vision or ourselves – like the time we tried to give some rearview action to our man and looked down in horror to see our belly jiggling and our breasts swinging in the air.

The gentleman may have enjoyed watching all that shaking and wobbling.  But, in our minds, we had failed and were upset. Yeah, yeah, we all know about how important it is to have a positive body image. But, knowing isn’t the same as doing. The ghosts of failed moves and feelings of inadequacy haunt our sexual lives and prevent us from getting the pleasure we seek – and deserve.

I spent All Saints Day (November 1st) and Day of the Dead (November 2nd) in a Catholic Caribbean country, where women spend the day cleaning the graves of their loved ones. For years, I’ve wanted to see this ritual and the long-awaited opportunity made me think more deeply about its meaning. If keeping family graves clean is a way of honoring those who have passed to keep our spirits alive, shouldn’t we routinely rid our sexual lives of ghosts to keep our marriages and relationships clean and alive?  Of course, having a “clean sexual life” raises religious and morality questions and what better day to do this than on All Saints Day. But, religious questions and sexual purity aside: if we don’t move past the disappointment and occasional humiliation to gather the courage to try again, we spook our sex lives, leaving them void of beauty and pleasure. Right?

This isn’t about him; it’s about us. As a woman, keeping it sexy is about confronting and chasing the ghosts of our sexual past.  Happy washing, Ladies!

Don’t Let Halloween Night Turn You Into A Pumpkin: How Emergency Contraception Works

Contraceptives Reproductive Health 2 Comments

Boo!

It’s Halloween!

Frankenstein might scare you at first, but, he could go from being your nightmare to the man of your dreams, sweeping you off your feet after midnight. Fear of letting go could give way to fear of  blowing up into a pumpkin and producing little Frankensteins.

SuzyKnew is here to remind you you have up to 5 days to get some emergency contraceptions to prevent this nightmare from happening. But, taking emergency contraception as soon as possible increases the likelihood of it working. Increasingly popular, emergency contraception also called “the morning after pill” is easier to find.

How does it work?

What’s the science behind it?

Here’s one of the most viewed explanations on youtube:

 

Will your morning after Halloween be frightful… or delightful?

What Makes Great Sex Possible?

Love and Sex No Comments

What makes great sex possible?

I ran across this age-old question while going through my yahoo inbox. Luckily, YourTango.com has a ton of relationship experts to help me (and you) answer this question. According to marriage and couples counselors Carista Luminaire, PhD and  Lion Goodman, to have great sex, you need to feel safe and secure. This applies more to women but to men as well.

This makes sense, right? During our 20’s we’re lusty and randy. Often we don’t make great decisions regarding life partners and relationships. Sex can be random and focused on fulfilling physical needs. But, as we mature into our 30’s, 40’s and older, physical and emotional security become more important factors in our sexuality. The article asserts that most women can’t share their minds or bodies with someone they don’t trust. But, we ooze and drip with passion once the trust and safety factors kick in. These are good points to keep in mind.

I also ran across an interesting article on the Discovery Channel about how cats adore and manipulate women. I think the two articles are related,don’t you? We’ve all heard how women can become unnaturally attached to their cats. Single women over 37.5 years old with a cat or two are quickly dubbed “Cat Ladies.” What woman can resist all that purring and adoration?

I guess if you open up your heart and let down your guard, some “cat” will walk in.

Whant wah…

How Can A Man Help A Woman Ejaculate? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 2 Comments
Istock photo

Dear Janice,

I am a heterosexual male who has experienced female ejaculation from two sexual partners over the years.  That is to say two where I’ve been able to recognize that a female ejaculation has occurred. After love making in the missionary position with the first partner, I would many times have a slick wet spot on the left side of my pelvis. I had no idea it was the result of female ejaculation until one day I actually heard it squirting out onto me.

I casually mentioned to my lover that she could ejaculate, but she gave little verbal response or acknowledgement about it. About five years later another lover would catch me off guard with a gushing female ejaculation as I was pleasing her orally. I wasn’t sure what to do so I swallowed most of it.  I later experienced that this lover would have as many as three gushing female ejaculations in less than an hour.  Like my previous lover she didn’t say much about it, even when asked.  I wanted to know if the experience was a greater level of pleasure than orgasm without female ejaculation.  Was it a greater enhanced experienced, or just a different pleasure experience? Does it feel really good? Those were my questions.

As a male lover who is committed to giving his lover every level of pleasure, should I encourage my lover to seek the experience of female ejaculation?  I recently read an article that said many women hold back and don’t push forward because the sensations prior to ejaculation feel the same as when they have to pee.  So they hold it thinking they don’t want to pee on a lover and be embarrassed. I also learned that not every female has the ability to ejaculate.

Janice, how do you think this willing male should approach the subject of female ejaculation?  Please help me answer my questions.

Thank you,

Dave in Michigan 

 

Dear Dave from the Mitten State,

First of all, on behalf of women everywhere, thank you for being such an attentive lover!  It truly is a beautiful thing to encounter a man so committed to giving his lovers pleasure.  I wish we could clone you and replace all of those insensitive clowns out there who are only in it for themselves!  And can I say that I’m so pleased to hear about your partner who had three ejaculations in one hour!  Bravo!  You obviously know what you’re doing!

I also want to thank you for not reacting negatively towards those of your lovers who do ejaculate heavily.  Some men would be put off by that, and you seemed to handle those situations with grace and sensitivity.  Again, bravo!

I don’t know a lot about female ejaculation the way you describe it.  I don’t know how common or rare it is.  I suspect that it’s largely involuntary, and really has no bearing on the level of sexual pleasure experienced.  That is to say that I don’t think a woman who doesn’t ejaculate upon orgasm experiences any less pleasure than a woman who does.

All women are different, especially when it comes to sex.  Some women get so wet during sexual arousal that they drench the sheets, their lover and anything else in the near vicinity.  Other women require artificial lubricant just to get going.  And don’t get me started on how a woman’s hormones can affect all this, including where a woman is in her cycle, how close she is to menopause … there are so many variables here.

So, rather than encouraging ejaculation per se, you should continue to encourage your partners to just let go and enjoy as many orgasms as you can give them.  Some will squirt, others won’t.  As long as you reassure the squirters that they have nothing to be ashamed about, then you’re fine.   And as long as you don’t assume that the non-squirters aren’t enjoying themselves, then you’re fine.

You just keep pleasing the ladies and being the sensitive lover you are.  And hey, maybe you could even teach of your male cohorts some of your tricks.  Believe me, there are a lot of guys out there who don’t have a clue!

Thanks for writing, Dave.  And keep up the good work!

 

Ask Janice your intimate question about love and relationships at ASKJANICE@suzyknew.com

The Roses Of Fertility Awareness: One Woman’s Experience With Natural Birth Control

Contraceptives Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health No Comments

Hey there! I’m Rose.

I’m in my mid-20’s, and I’m a southern woman here in the good ole US of A. I’m new to SuzyKnew.

I’m going to take you through my adventures of using fertility awareness as a contraceptive method on my page The Roses Of Fertility Awareness. I just started this year.

So, what’s this all about? Becoming aware of your fertility or times during your cycle when you’re most likely to become pregnant, so you can avoid vaginal sex or use a condom or diaphragm (barrier methods) to avoid getting pregnant.  Some people call this “natural birth control” or “natural family planning.”

When I started learning online about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), one thing became very clear: I had to learn to be okay with being intimate with my body.

Here in the States – as in many places – the human body has long been held up as both sacred and dirty, dating all the way back to the days of dear old Victorian morality and sexuality, and confusing and disempowering women (and men) for hundreds of years. This mindset has deeply pervaded our mind, affecting individuals of all races, ethnic groups, and socioeconomic statuses, teaching us to both hate and be estranged with our own bodies – an internalized phobia, if you will.

And of course, this phobia and hate has been un-proportionally put on us lady folk. Little boys masturbate? Oh, it’s just a part of growing up. Little girls masturbate? Call in the abstinence-only educators! Women are often blamed in sexual assault. Well, what was she wearing?  She was asking for it. The Pill was (and is in some parts of the world) denied to women because of the fear that she would have sex with whomever she wanted whenever she wanted (Oh God, no!). In the States, breastfeeding in public is seen as inappropriate. But, media is constantly bombarding us with boobs as sexual playthings for men, right? African American women’s bodies, in particular, have historically been over-sexualized and -publicized and owned collectively by both black and white men.

And, so our bodies are seen as sexual and sensual, while at the same time dirty and somebody else’s. We don’t know or love our own bodies.

One reason I decided to try FAM was that I wanted to buck this misogyny and know and be empowered by my body. Oh, and not get pregnant…by the way!  For me, hormonal birth control, while it had offered me immense freedom and protection in the past (and clearly for many women it continues to do so, hooray for contraception!), was controlling my body. It was another external source dictating what my body could and could not do.  I wanted to cut out this external substance and see what my body would be like when left to its own volition.

Help! My Crush Only Wants To Be Friends ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 1 Comment

Dear Janice,

I’m 19 and i have a crush on this guy. I like him a lot although we have really friend-zoned each other. Should i confess my feelings to him or just leave it? I’ve never liked any guy this much.

****

Dear Friend Zone,

Honestly, there’s really nothing more depressing than being in the friend zone of your crush!  But, don’t despair!  As his friend, you’re actually in the best position to get a real relationship out of this!  But, it’s gonna take a little patience and a little risk.

First of all, what you need to realize is that the best, long-lasting relationships are always based upon friendship.  Sure, there’s attraction, passion, sizzle and all of that.  But, without a real friendship, those relationships end quickly.  So, if you and this guy are really good friends, then you’ve already laid a great foundation for something that could really work for you.  You just need to get him on the same page as you.

And this is where you may need patience.  Guys tend to be a little slow when it comes to realizing their really feelings, especially when they involve women.  However, you can use this to your advantage.  While he’s slowly realizing how perfect you are for him, you need to be doing things to show him how perfect you are for him.  That means, you need to ramp your friendship game up even higher.  Become his main confidante.  Be there for him when he needs someone to talk to, to vent to, to just be with.  Become more than his friend, become his best friend.

And let him be those things to you, too.  Start confiding in him more.  Ask for his advice more often (men love to feel needed).  Try to spend more time with him.  But be careful!  You don’t want to come off as needy or stalker-ish!  There’s a very thin line between appreciating someone’s presence and a getting restraining order against them!

Anyway, once the two of you become even closer friends, you’ll be in a great position to turn things in a more romantic direction.  And this is where you’ll have to be direct.  Men, especially younger men, don’t really get subtlety.  Openly flirting with him probably won’t work.  You might have to beat him over the head with it (not literally, of course – there are laws against that).  But make it clear that you want to take your relationship to the next level.  Be honest about your feelings for him.  And if you play your cards just right, by now he’ll believe the whole thing was his idea, anyway.

But there are risks.  Even if he loves and needs you as his friend, he still may not ever feel for you the way you feel for him.  He may even be in love with someone else, leaving you in the friend zone forever.  And man, have I been there!  It hurts like mad, but you will get over it, eventually.  The problem is that if that happens, it’ll change your friendship.  He’ll probably act weird around you and things will be awkward for a while.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to move past it, though.

Or, things may work out and the two of you become romantic, and everything is great for a while.  But, if the relationship ends (especially if it ends badly), it could ruin your friendship forever.  Not only will you have lost a boyfriend, you will have lost a best friend, as well.

So be sure this is a risk you’re willing to take.  When you try to take a guy from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone, it could get messy and you could get hurt.  But, if you do it right … you could very well establish a great, long-lasting relationship.  You’ll need to be patient, but if it works out, it’ll be well worth the wait.

Good luck!

Take Charge Of Your Menstrual Cycle!

Reproductive Health 6 Comments
istock.com

Ladies, you don’t have to have your period when Mother Nature decides it’s time. You can have your period when you want to or not have your period  at all. Using contraceptive pills, you can take charge of your menstrual cycle!

Also called “continuous contraception,” you can suppress or alter your period by not taking the placebo or iron pills in your oral contraceptive pill pack and instead starting a new cycle pack. You can also take contraceptives such as Seasonale or Lybrel designed to reduce your periods to just 4 times a year.

A 2013 study by the University of Oregon in the US revealed  that around 17% of female students at the university are practicing continuous contraception. This is higher than what was previously believed.  Women’s magazines such as Madame Noire and Glamour came out with several articles over the summer discussing this trend.

Many of us have heard of using oral contraceptives to regulate our periods or clear up our face. But, few of us have heard of taking contraceptive pills to the ultimate level to decide when to bleed.  Ladies, obgyns have used continuous contraception for decades to treat endometriosis, dysmenorrhea, and other menstruation-related disorders that benefit from an uninterrupted dose of hormones. (You can get more info at Kinsey Confidential and WebMD) How safe is doing this? The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and other health organizations say suppressing your period is safe – it’s simply another reproductive choice for women. However, little is known about the long-term effects of this lifestyle is and whether it would affect women of African or Asian descent differently. Also, while oral contraceptives have been proven over many decades to be safe, they should not be taken by heavy smokers and triphasic oral contraceptives can lead to irregular bleeding is taken uninterruptedly. (Take a look at what type of oral contraceptives you are using, if you’re not using one of the specialty pills like Seasonale or Lybrel that already limit the number of periods you have per year.)

Yet, we all have our big moments like a special party, a week-end at the beach, or our wedding night when it would literally mess up things to have our periods start flowing.  And, it’s not easy getting blood out of clothing and sheets, is it…?!

Over one-third of women who opt for this lifestyle learned about how to do it from media  – not doctors.  SuzyKnew recommends you work with your healthcare provider to take charge of your menstrual cycle. In the US, your insurance should cover continuous contraception if your doctor writes a note.  If your provider hasn’t heard of this, send them a link to SuzyKnew!

 

How Do I Find A Good Man? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 2 Comments

Dear Janice,

I have a good job at a good company making good money. I just turned 31, and I really want a man – someone who can provide for a family. But, as a Black woman, I find it hard to find a Black man with a good salary. Also, I must say I haven’t received a lot of attention from non-Black men . But, the ones who are paying me attention don’t seem to be doing that well financially. Maybe I should just be looking for a good man, but it’s hard for me to seriously consider someone who makes less than I do for marriage.  

I would like your help in thinking this through. 

PS I love your articles and read them all the time.

Loyal Fan

***

Dear Loyal Fan,

First of all, thanks for your patience.  I’ve had some family and health challenges lately, which have prevented me from writing.  Things are a little more stabilized now, and I’m slowly getting caught up with everything.  So, thanks for your loyalty and patience.  It is much appreciated.

Now, about your situation … First of all, you are not alone.  The reality is that even though on average, women still make about 70% of what men make on the job, there are more and more single women who find themselves dating men who make less money.  This is a by-product of the great strides women have made in the workforce, shattering many of the glass ceilings which had previously held us back.  Things still aren’t equal, though.  We still have a long way to go.

However, while there have been changes in women’s salaries, our attitudes about who should be the breadwinner in the home should be haven’t changed.  Your own attitude about it proves this.  You admit that it would be hard to seriously consider a man for marriage if he made less money than you do.  And believe me, I understand how you feel.  I mean, we all grew up with stories about Prince Charming sweeping in and taking care of us, right?  And no matter how accomplished we become professionally, in the back of our minds, many of us still want that fairytale.

But we all need to get real!  Those fairytales were written when more women stayed home than were in the workforce.  And honestly?  None of those stories were really written for us Black girls.  So, we need to release those unrealistic and antiquated ideas about what marriage really is and face facts.  In today’s economy, it usually takes two incomes to live comfortably.  And if both of those incomes are coming into the same household, does it really matter whose is larger, the man’s or the woman’s?

Listen, the reality is that a wealthy man can be a wife beater, chronic cheater and low-down, pumpkin eater just as well as a hard-working, but lower paid man can.  Conversely, a hard-working, but lower paid man can be a sweet, supportive, loving husband, just as well as a wealthy man.  My point is that what you want is a good man, period.

A good man will take that less than huge salary and stretch it, save it, invest it and do whatever it takes to provide for his family.  A bad man can take a huge salary and squander it on other women, drugs, alcohol or gambling, leaving you with far less than what you started with.

Stop looking at paychecks and start looking at personalities.  Stop looking for someone to take care of you, and find a man who will take care of business WITH you.  After all, if a man is working and bringing home a paycheck (even if it’s smaller than yours), he is contributing to the household.  You still have more with his smaller salary than you do without it.  And with that smaller salary, you’re not sleeping alone.

Besides, just looking at dollars alone doesn’t give you the whole story.  Maybe he’s at the top of his field in an industry that just pays less than yours.  Or maybe he doesn’t bring home as much cash, but his job includes other perks like cheaper health insurance, better life insurance, travel perks and other things.  Maybe he doesn’t make a whole lot of money on the job, but he’s so skilled at mechanics or household repairs, he can make double that under the table on the weekends doing side jobs.  Maybe he doesn’t make as much because he works fewer hours, but that means you get to come home to a clean house, a hot meal, a hot bath and some good lovin’!

Money isn’t everything, my Sista!  Give me a good man with a moderate income and I can turn that into a lifetime of bliss!

Don’t get it twisted, though.  I don’t believe in supporting a man who isn’t at least doing his part.  You may not be making as much as me, Brother, but you’d better be making something!  I don’t believe in raising a grown man!  And if he is looking for a free ride from you, then he needs to go with a quickness!

You’re only 31, Girlfriend.  There’s still plenty of time for you to find the right guy, so stop fretting.  I just want you to focus on finding someone who is good to you and for you, and that doesn’t have anything to do with the amount of his paycheck.  You’ve got a good job with a good salary, and can take care of yourself.  You don’t need a man to do that for you.  What you need is a man who will enhance your life in ways that can’t be measured in dollars and cents.

Seek a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated; who will love your truest and most authentic self.  Find someone with whom you’re compatible … someone you enjoy spending time with.  And as long as you two are compatible socially, sexually, spiritually and intellectually, then a disparity between your salaries won’t matter at all.  Because if you find the right man for you, you will find a life partner with whom you can build a great life together.

Happy Hunting!

Janice

Virgins Have More Fun… And Happiness Comes From Having Only A Few Sexual Partners In A Lifetime

Love and Sex No Comments

Did you know virgins have more fun? Yeah… just like Blonds.

Virgins are having so much fun that more young people are opting to hang on to their virginity.  A 2011 study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)  reported  the percent of Americans between the ages of 15 – 24 who were virgins increased from 22 percent to 28 percent between 2002 – 2008.

And, that’s not all. Did you know that limiting yourself to just a few sexual partners over your lifetime could keep you  emotionally stable? Like cause you to be happier? The book Premarital Sex In America written by two sociologists finds a link between sexual restraint and emotional well-being – between monogamy and happiness. The authors also find a link between having “lots” of sexual partners and depression. Especially if you’re a woman.

Where is all of this coming from? New York Times (NYT) Op-ed columnist Ross Douthat who reviewed these studies in his column Why Monogamy Matters. He summed it all up stating “the happiest women were those with a current sexual partner and only one or two partners in their lifetime. Virgins were almost as happy, though not quite, and then a young woman’s likelihood of depression rose steadily as her number of partners climbed and the present stability of her sex life diminished.”

Ross might have a political agenda with all this but SuzyKnew’s agenda is maximizing your sexual pleasure and health.

Think about it!

And keep it sexy…

SuzyKnew

 

ASK AN OBGYN: Is The Size Of My Clitoris ‘Normal’?

Ask an OBGYN No Comments

Dear SuzyKnew,  I have a large clitoris and though I’ve never talked about it with a gynecologist I decided to bring it up at a recent visit. When I asked if it was linked to me having PCOS or higher than normal testosterone levels (for women) she said my clitoris definitely pokes out more than what is “normal” and that its likely linked to higher testosterone levels. Sometimes it makes me feel insecure because it’s so different than what’s considered “normal.” I’m single now but when I get married in the future what will my husband think? How can I be more confident with this part of me?

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Miss. Insecure

*********

Dear Miss. Insecure…  One of the most unique and beautiful things in the world is the female body. I like to think of our genitalia as a flower in bloom.  Some women may have a little rose bud, others a full-on floribunda.

What causes a large clitoris?  Some women are simply born with a large clitoris.  As you noted with your gynecologist, it is common for the clitoris to become enlarged in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) because of the increased androgen levels.

There are two ways you can go: you can love it or leave it.

Love it-  I consider the clitoris as a “bonus track” for women.  It’s a part of our body that has no other purpose but for sexual pleasure. It sounds like you were lucky enough to be well endowed.   My advice would be to own it, enjoy it, and revel in it.  Most women cannot orgasm without some clitoral stimulation.  That’s why face-to-face or woman-on-top positions that allow the clitoris to be rubbed are so popular.  A more prominent clitoris could open up a broader repertoire of sexual positions for you and your partner.

Leave it- There is a multi-million dollar cosmetic surgery industry that works hard to convince us that there is one “normal” and one ideal of beauty.  Some women undergo surgical altercation of their bodies, including removal of their labias.  My advice to you is to be proud of your beauty.  For inspiration, check out the piece Suzy wrote on the unique beauty of our lady parts.

A quick web search will reveal that our genitalia truly come in all shapes, sizes and colors.  Men know that a woman’s beauty comes in many shapes and sizes including her lady parts. Any man worth your time will love you and love your body exactly the way it is made.

Take good care of yourself.

 

ASK AN OBGYN is not meant to be a substitute for your doctor or health care provider. Contact your provider with any health issues you may have.