Author Archives: SuzyKnew!

About SuzyKnew!

SuzyKnew! is dedicated to improving the sexual and reproductive health and sexual pleasure of women of color.

Why Am I So Insatiable? ASK JANICE

Hi Suzy,
I am a 29 year old guy, I think I have a problem I am too shy to talk about. All I seem to think about is sex and even after a good round of it, I still want more of it. Help needed here!

Dear Help Needed,

Suzy sent me your inquiry, hoping I might be able to help.  So here goes …

First of all, from what I can tell, there really isn’t anything “wrong” with you.  I don’t know anything about your overall health, diet, relationship status, exercise regimen, etc.  But assuming all is well in those areas, you sound perfectly fine to me.

Humans are naturally sexual beings.  It behooves us as a species to not only be interested in having sex, but to want to have sex.  Trust me, there are A LOT of people (men and women) who feel the same way you do.

That said, different cultures, religions, and communities view sexuality differently.  What may seem like a “normal” sex drive on one part of the globe may seem excessive elsewhere.  Since I don’t know where you’re from, how you worship or how you were raised, it’s hard for me to say if your sex drive is “normal” or not.

Still, I did a little research for you, and wasn’t surprised to learn that a man’s sex drive is mostly in his head … literally.  According to healthline.com, your brain’s cortex and limbic systems, along with your testosterone levels are huge contributors to your sex drive.  For a man well past puberty, your constant thinking about sex is probably normal, assuming your brain functions and hormone levels are fine.  After all, you’re at the prime “baby making” age, so your high sex drive may just be your biological clock ticking.

Now we’ve all heard that men reach their sexual peak in their teens/early 20s.  While this may or may not be true, as far as testosterone levels, “men (do) peak in their late teens. It’s also true that as testosterone levels decline, it takes longer to get an erection. And it takes longer after ejaculation before a man can achieve an erection again. But the reduction in testosterone isn’t generally measurable until age 30.”  (Source: http://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/sex-drive)

In other words, you’re still at your sexual peak!  But you’ll probably notice a decline in your sex drive by the time you reach your next birthday.  So don’t worry or feel guilty about being so horny.  Sounds like you’re a typical 29 year old man who just needs to find partners who share your enthusiasm.

Hey, here’s a thought: since women typically reach their sexual peak later in life, an older woman might be a good sexual fit for you.  Know any “cougars”?

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         Cougar photo credit: Robert Ginn Photolibrary Getty Images                                                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                   

 Featured photo courtesy: Quora

6 Tips To Cure Vaginal Dryness Naturally – Dr. Drai

Hi #GYNEGirls, #Preggos, & #GENTs! It’s ME Dr. Drai- America’s OBGYN. Chile I’ve outdone myself today. I just came home from outlet mall shopping…Who else LOVES outlet malls? I hear you loud and clear #GYNEGirls. While…One of the checkout gurls from Ralph Lauren remembered me from IG and asked Dr. Drai questions the whole time he was waiting in line, being cashed out, and while walking out the door. #InstagramFamous. That #GYNEGirl was SOOO excited to meet Dr. Drai in the flesh. I was flattered. The other customers weren’t too thrilled though. She asked me about ways to treat her vaginal dryness. The things #GYNEGirls ask me in PUBLIC. Well…Estrogen makes your vagina thick and allows for blood flow which gives it moisture. When estrogen decreases, the vagina becomes thin and cracks. OUCH! This can cause pain with intercourse. 60% of women will experience a dry vagina in menopause. There are other causes though….Your vagina can be dry after you have a baby, when breastfeeding, if you are taking meds like antihistamines, asthma or anti estrogen meds, got your ovaries removed, had cancer treatments such as radiation and chemotherapy to the pelvis, use vaginal irritants like soaps and perfumes, have anxiety, and even if you smoke. Most ladies are a lil’ scared of prescription estrogen. That’s why Dr. Drai decided to write this post. Treating vaginal dryness can be difficult. Let’s get in these “Medical T’s” (TIPs) on natural ways to tackle this issue.

Tip #1 Try Lubricants– Make sure it’s water- soluble. I heart Astroglide. Avoid aloe or lavender products; they can cause irritation to the vagina.

Tip #2 Use Moisturizers– Try Replens over the counter. Apply it at night. Remember moisturizers are used for daily maintenance of the vagina NOT for sex. PLUS they last longer than lubes.

Tip #3 Apply Coconut Oil– This is one of my secrets. The oil from coconuts is a great lubricate AND it even has antibacterial properties. You CANNOT use it with condoms though.

Tip #4 Vitamin E Oil Gel Caps– You have to break the capsule first. Be careful this oil can stain your undies.

Tip #5 Eat More Soy– Soy has estrogen in it so it MAY help with your Dry Vag.

Tip #6 Have More Sex– If you don’t use it, you lose it #GYNEGirls!

There are other ways to treat vaginal dryness but they are not natural. Your DOC can prescribe estrogen to put in the vagina in a cream, ring, or pill form. You can’t take estrogen if you have breast or uterine cancer, have undiagnosed vaginal bleeding, breastfeeding, or you are #Preggo. There’s a NEW drug called ospemifene. You take it once a day and it’s been shown to help with vaginal dryness and painful sex. #GYNEGirls- Listen up! Don’t be afraid to talk about your dry vagina with your DOC. Try the natural treatments first before taking estrogen. Until next time…

OTHER P

O M G (Spot)! SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

We’ve all heard of it, often during blushing, whispered conversations with our closest confidants.  The G Spot: that elusive, mythical place of unlimited, erotic pleasure located somewhere on the exquisitely made female form!

The G Spot is the Holy Grail of Sexual Satisfaction for women.  It’s the Unicorn of Pleasure; the Four Leaf Clover of Ecstasy.  Tales of its existence are the stuff of legend and it’s so elusive, only a small percentage of women can confidently claim to have found it.

But don’t worry, Ladies.  I got you.  I’m about to break all this G Spot business down and give you some tips on how you (and/or your partner) can finally put your G Spot on the map.

Just consider me your G Spot GPS!

What is a G Spot and why is it called that?

I’ll get to what it is in a minute.  First, the G stands for Grafenberg, as in Ernst Grafenberg (1881 – 1957), the German gynecologist best known for inventing the I.U.D.  A successful Jewish doctor in Germany, Dr. G Spot (my nickname for him) was arrested by the Nazis when they rose to power prior to WWII.

Get this, though.  Dr. G Spot was ransomed from the Nazis by none other than Margaret Sanger!  Y’all remember her, right?  She was the famous birth control activist and sex educator who founded the organization that would become Planned Parenthood.  She’s the reason we use the term “birth control”!  She was also a raving racist, though.  So there’s that.

Anyway, Dr. G fled from Germany to the United States, where he set up practice in New York City.  He lived in the US until he died in 1957.

That’s why we call it the G Spot.

But what is this G Spot thing, anyway?

Actually, the very existence of a G Spot has never been proven, though it’s been studied since the 1940s.  While some studies using ultrasound have found physiological evidence of it in women who orgasm during vaginal intercourse, the jury is still out on whether it’s even really a thing.

In other words, you ain’t gon’ find it on your average anatomy textbook diagram like the uterus or the bladder.

That said, the widely accepted definition (Google it) states the G Spot is an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation.

Many claim the G Spot feels like a rough patch of skin.  It’s said to be shaped like a bean and is about the size of a quarter.

Where is it located?

Even though, after 7 decades of study, there’s no “official” proof that it even exists, I can tell you EXACTLY where it is.  The G Spot is 2-3 inches (5-8 cm) up the front vaginal wall, between the vaginal opening and the urethra.  The front vaginal wall is on the same side as your belly button.

G_Spot Diagra

 

It’s that close.  Just 2-3 inches up the front wall of your precious yoni.  And that little quarter-sized, bean shaped, slightly rough patch of nerve endings can spike your arousal like mercury on a hot summer day!

 

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Why all the hype, though?

Here’s the rub about this whole G Spot business (pun intended):  I can tell you exactly where it’s located, but I can’t guarantee you’ll find it.  And that’s because sexual arousal, pleasure and satisfaction are subjective and vary from woman to woman.

You see, a man’s sexual arousal, pleasure and satisfaction (ejaculation) is necessary for the species to survive.  In other words, if he doesn’t get aroused (where there’s often ejaculate in the pre-cum) and/or cum, no babies will get made and we cease to exist.

Not so for us women.  Sadly, even our arousal isn’t necessary for us to get pregnant, much less our satisfaction.  Think of all the pregnancies resulting from forced intercourse or just plain old bad sex!

That’s why for women, the brain (with all our thoughts, emotions, hang ups, proclivities, fetishes, baggage, religious beliefs, etc.) is the most important organ when it comes to sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

Let me say it again, for the people in the back: for women, the brain is the most important organ when it comes to sexual pleasure and satisfaction!

That’s why not all women can even have orgasms.  Just think about it.  Many women can’t even achieve clitoral orgasms and we know the clit exists!  We can see it because it’s on the outside.  Well, part of it’s on the outside.  It’s actually mostly on the inside.  But that’s a discussion for another day.

My point is even though the clitoris, something every human female has at birth, has 8,000 nerve endings connected to 15,000 nerve fibers in the pelvic area, many women still can’t even have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.  By the way, the penis gland only has 4,000 nerve endings and most men have no problem having orgasms.

So, I guess one big reason for all the G Spot hype is that it’s even more elusive than clitoral orgasms.

But, it’s there.

How can I find my G Spot?

Use your fingers and explore (see diagram above)!  Also, there’s lots of sex toys designed specifically for G Spot stimulation.  The best ones are hard (as in not floppy) and slightly curved.  And if you get one that also has a clitoris stimulator, you’ve hit the jackpot!

As far as accessing your G Spot during vaginal intercourse, I find being on top most effective.  Experiment with angles, though.  Try turning around while on top (Reverse Cowgirl), and be sure to adjust the depth of penetration.  Doggy style works really well, too.  But, play around with your partner.  What works for me may not work for you.

Now if you haven’t already found your G Spot, don’t worry!  You’re not sexually inadequate or frigid.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, especially if you can achieve orgasm.  The main thing to remember is that what goes on inside your head is even more important than what’s going on with your body during sex.

Besides, just think how much fun you’ll have trying to find it!

Happy hunting!

Black Love In The Midst Of Black Death

True Love?

I keep thinking about sex in the context of love and love in the context of survival and survival in the context of leading a full, happy and safe life. I am not in a relationship because I haven’t met anyone I feel a connection to, also because I think I’m still in some sort of love with my ex-boyfriend. Usually I would feel some twinge of longing and loneliness, some sort of nostalgia for a relationship, but in the past year my gratitude grows that I don’t have a man to share my life with. If I had a man he would probably be black, and judging from my size he would definitely be tall, and possibly be big. Judging from my tastes he would have dark skin and he would be smart, interesting, and aware of the world around him and why it is how it is.

He might also be shot. Or roughed up by the cops, or thrown in jail on some flimsy pretext or forced to stand there and watch while some cop molests me under the guise of patting me down, like in the movie “Crash”. He might stop being safe the minute he leaves my arms and he might hold his tongue to avoid being brutalized and be called shifty or insist on his rights to avoid being victimized and be called threatening. He could have every permit, every license, all the registration, all the credentials, all the degrees, all the stuff we think will make us a little more human in their eyes, and still not make it home.

If I had a man I would be scared to death, all the time. I’m already scared all the time. For my brother, for my cousins, for my uncle. It is draining. It makes me wilt with hopelessness, the fear for them. And if I had a man I would love him…differently. Greater, perhaps. More fervently, more personally. The extent to which it would break my heart if something happened to him, the desire to protect him and never let him leave my bed, would be…intense. My love for him would be…sticky, in a way that it isn’t for the men I’m related to. And him getting hurt would wreck me. First it was Trayvon Martin then it was Eric Garner then it was Michael Brown then it was Akai Gurley then it was Tamir Rice then it was Walter Scott then it was Freddie Gray then it was Alton Sterling then it was Philando Castile and now some crazy people are going around picking cops off like deer. How do you love a black man in a world like this? How does he love you when he is filled with fear and rage and disappointment? What do you tell the sons who are born of that love?

When my friend told me that what happens on some street somewhere with some cop somewhere has nothing to do with her personal relationship with her man I told her she was wrong. We live in a world with external stimuli, we move and breathe and function in spaces that are so much bigger than the sum of us. Every time the person you are with is terrified, that fear is in his touch, every time he is incensed, that anger is in his kiss, every time he is lost, that desolation is in his love. It’s not that he is bringing his baggage home or taking things out on you, it’s that what he is holding is not luggage. He’s not carrying it in his hands, he’s not keeping it in his pockets, it’s embedded in his skin. The weight of the world is inside him and every time he is inside you what is happening in Louisiana and Missouri is too. The hope is that what he feels is something he gives you access to, something he lets you carry some of, something he uses to hold you tighter instead of to push you away.

Somewhere, sometime, when I was in college, I read something that said that for a black man and a black woman to love each other, in a world that seeks to make us hate ourselves, is an act of revolution. I believed it then but I would swear by it now. So I remind myself that I am part of this revolution. I remind myself that though I cannot keep a black man safe I can keep him loved. I remind myself that black men can love me in a way that let’s me see my fullest self in their eyes, and in loving them back I find in myself the very best of my ability to protect and adore and hope. I can sign petitions, I can write my representatives, I can march, I can contribute to the Kickstarter for Alton Sterling’s kids. Though it doesn’t seem like it will matter I can do something. I can love my brother, I can love my cousins, I can love my uncle, I can love my male friends. Fiercely, with abandon, as if the world were ending right now and I might not get another chance.

I can call them and cry with them and make them laugh and remind them of their power and their strength and their grace. I can remind them that black women aren’t immune from danger, from a system that kills, and that we hurt for their hurt but we also carry hurt that is entirely our own — and as we comfort them they must comfort us. But most importantly, I can give them the space to feel. The permission to shake their fists at the sky and burst into tears at the injustice of it all. I can give them the right to cry, the right to not have it all together every minute of the day. That is what I can do for the men I love. And if I was in a relationship with a black man I could be kind to him and patient with his pain.

I could take him to an amusement park, or to an arcade, or to ride bumper carts, or to the beach, or anywhere else where he can be a kid again and life can be uncomplicated and something close to free. Then I could take him home and put some music on and wear my sexiest lingerie and fuck his brains out. I could find us just one minute where we have the space to forget that the world is not a fair place and the darkness around us is deep.

 

F.N. is a thirty something Ghanaian free-lance writer who alternates between Accra and Washington, DC. 

Dr. Laura Briden Describes How To Regulate Your Period Naturally – By Holly Grigg-Spall

 Dr. Lara Briden is a naturopathic doctor. She currently practices at Sensible-Alternative Hormone Clinic in Sydney, Australia. She is also the author of the popular troubleshooting guide, “Period Repair Manual.”

Dear Menstruation Mechanic, Lara Briden:

Erin: I fear that because sometimes I miss my period for a month or two, I will not be able to use Daysy with confidence. For example, I will have several months when my period is normal and then I will miss a month or two out of nowhere. I am 21 years old, and height 5′ and weight 105 lbs (BMI 20.5), and I’ve never had an eating disorder. My hormone levels were tested in high school and they are normal.  How can I regulate my cycle?

Dear Erin,

First the good news: Daysy  would never give you a “green day” (a non-fertile “safe” day, if you’re wanting to avoid pregnancy) unless she is very certain that you’re not fertile that day. Therefore, you can rely on Daysy even when you have somewhat irregular cycles.

Now the bad news: With your long cycles (3 months between bleeds), you may not see any green days. Why not? Because a cycle that long is not likely to be ovulatory, which means that ovulation does not occur. And remember, Daysy works by detecting the temperature shift after ovulation. So no ovulation = no green days.

Tip: A healthy ovulatory cycle ranges anywhere from  21 to 35 days. Teens have longer cycles because they are still “growing into” ovulatory cycles.

To regulate your cycle to at least every 35 days, you must encourage your body to ovulate more often, and that means figuring out why it’s not ovulating in the first place.

You say your hormones were tested a few years ago and were “normal”, but you don’t know that your doctor tested everything, and besides, things might be different now. It’s common for teens with irregular cycles to eventually develop an anovulatory condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. I encourage you to see your doctor again, especially if you have any other PCOS symptoms such as facial hair or acne.

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When you’re with your doctor, ask her: “Why do I not ovulate every month? Do you think I could have PCOS, coeliac disease, or a thyroid problem?” Also, please tell your doctor if you’re vegetarian, because vegetarians are often deficient in iron and zinc, and that can cause irregular periods. To be able to assess everything properly, your doctor will need to order blood tests.

Tip: Please don’t let your doctor prescribe the Pill to “regulate” your periods, because pill bleeds are not real periods.

After testing, your doctor should be able to offer you a diagnosis, and then you can start looking for the right treatment. For example, if you’re deficient in zinc, then supplementing zinc is all you need to do, and your periods should improve. If you have PCOS, then you can look at natural PCOS treatments such as inositol and the herbal medicine peony and licorice. See my previous Menstruation Mechanic post about PCOS.

If everything is normal on the blood test, then stress might be the cause of your irregular cycles. In that case, please consider a magnesium supplement for stress relief, as well as the herbal medicine Vitex.

Please see my book “Period Repair Manual” for more treatment ideas.

 

Holly Grigg-Spall

Marketing Consultant and Blog Editor – When she came off the birth control pill after 10 years in 2009, Holly decided to write a blog about the experience. That blog became a series of articles, and then book, “Sweetening the Pill,” which then inspired a feature documentary, currently in production and executive produced by Ricki Lake. She is a fertility awareness and body literacy advocate and educator, a Daysy enthusiast, and excited to help more women come off the birth control pill and find a natural, effective alternative. holly.grigg-spall@valley-electronics.com

Looking For “The Morning After Pill” In Haiti

Bonjour, Ladies!

Today, we’re in Haiti. We’re continuing our year-long video series on looking for “The Morning After Pill” or emergency contraceptives all around the world where “Lovely Ladies of Color” live to see what we can find.

Today’s pharmacy is located in Port-au-Prince – the capital city.  The ladies here have several choices – but they all seem to be generic pills coming from neighboring country Dominican Republic. All the packaging and inserts are in Spanish. I didn’t see anything in French. So, if you need to read the instructions on the package insert and you don’t speak Spanish, you’re out of luck

Our first attempt was at a modest pharmacy.

We visited a second and third pharmacy. The third pharmacy was Giant pharmacy located at an upscale supermarket. Giant had the brand Postday manufactured by Gedeon Richter. Gedeo Richter emergency contraceptives were found in Lagos, Nigeria and in the U.S. as well.  Also, the manufacturer seems to have the most affordable emergency contraceptives – at least where lovely ladies of color live.

Note: Our EC video studies aren’t exactly scientific!

Photo courtesy of Lakaywear.com

The Little Man In The Boat – SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

“Can you still find your little man in the boat?” My friend’s co-worker asked her this, standing in her cubicle.  “You know, as we get older it gets harder to find!”

My friend was confused.  “Huh?  Little man in the boat?  What?”

After much blushing, giggling and talking around the subject, turns out the co-worker was talking about her clitoris!

Wait.  What?

Never mind the obvious question of why you’re talking about your clitoris at your good government job.  But, how do you get a “little man in the boat” from your clitoris?  Okay.  I guess I get it.  Maybe.  If you look at it from a certain angle.  And squint.

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I’ve never heard of “little man in the boat”, but I have heard terms like “hooded lady”, “love button”, “reset button”, and “passion jellybean”.  One more nickname doesn’t bother me.

But what the Hell do you mean it gets harder to find as we get older?  I don’t know about y’all, but I have a very up close and personal relationship with my clitoris.  We’re homies!  We go together!

I’m all, “Hey, Clitoris!  What’s up, girl?”  And my clit’s all “Hey, Soph!  We having any visitors today?  No?  That’s cool.  You and I can just chill with B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend)!”

I just can’t fathom not being able to find my own clitoris!  I mean, the rules of basic hygiene dictate at least daily contact, right?  As I ain’t no spring chicken my damn self, the prospect of one day not being able to “find” my clit terrifies me.  I mean come on – this is the only human organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure.  I don’t wanna lose it!

So I did a little research.  And I mean a little research.  I ain’t got time to spend hours scouring the internet, setting up interviews with doctors, and whatnot.  I gotta live.  But I did dig a little deeper.

First of all, the little man in the boat is really a thing!  Google it, and you’ll see.  Lots of people use this expression, apparently. There are memes about it, and even T-shirts!  Who knew?

But the big news is that under normal circumstances, the clitoris never ages!  Glory be!  My hair may turn grey, my boobs may sag and my eyesight may fail … but my glorious clit will never age!  Yasss!

Not only will it maintain its sexual peak for the rest of your life, but that little pleasure palace actually grows!  With the onset of puberty, your clit starts growing.  By age 32 it’s almost 4X bigger than it was.  And by menopause, it’ll be 7X bigger.  (Source: 9 Interesting Things You May Not Know About The Clitoris by Chiara Laurie, 2/11/13.  Alternet.org)

But some women do lose clitoral sensitivity, and while the reasons aren’t necessarily age-related, they can be.  For example, certain medications impact hormone levels, which can affect sexual arousal and pleasure.  According to HerbalLove, an online herbal remedies and sexual health guide, some birth control pills, can lead to a deficiency of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, freezing up testosterone and causing dysfunction or insensitivity.

Also, other hormone levels, which change with age, can diminish sensitivity.  As we get older, our hormones go a little nuts.  This can lead to a declining sex drive, vaginal dryness and yes, lessened clitoral sensitivity.

Some experts say that vibrator overuse can decrease sensitivity due to damaged nerves, too.  But using that argument, so can too much oral stimulation.  I’m definitely not about to tell you to stop receiving oral sex or throw your vibrator away.  But if it takes more and more pressure to get off, then nerve damage might be the reason.

So yes, your clitoris can become less sensitive over time, but usually only due to a decrease in certain hormones or from nerve damage.  Thankfully, hormones can be regulated medically.  And if you’re vibrating so much you’re damaging nerves, you might want to chill a bit.  Maybe take up knitting.

But barring any major health challenges, your precious little love button should work just fine for as long as you live.  And as for not being able to find it?  Well, if it gets bigger with age, I don’t really see that being an issue.

That brings me to another point about our hooded ladies.  Most people, men and women, think of the clit as just that little nub near the top of the vulva.  But as the medical community has known for decades, it’s so much bigger than that!

That little man in the boat that we see on the outside is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Granted, it’s quite the sensitive little button, containing about 8,000 sensory nerve fibers.  That’s way more than anywhere else in the body, and its twice as many as are on the head of a penis.

However, most of the clitoris is on the inside!  According to the Museum of Sex, another cool site I found, “(M)ost of the clitoris is subterranean, consisting of two corpora cavernosa (corpus cavernosum when referring to the structure as a whole), two crura (crus when referring to the structure as a whole), and the clitoral vestibules or bulbs.  The glans is connected to the body or shaft of the internal clitoris, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. When erect, the corpora cavernosa encompass the vagina on either side, as if they were wrapping around it giving it a big hug!”  There’s more, but I’ll spare you the anatomy lesson.

Bottom line is all these vaginal orgasms we brag about may really be internal clitoral orgasms.  Or maybe not.  Whatever.  All I know is they feel damn good.  Look.  Your clitoris runs deep, and as it’s the only part of the human anatomy that has no other function than your sexual pleasure, that makes it pretty darn special!

Whatever you call your clitoris, I hope you know yours well.  If you don’t, it’s not too late to get acquainted with her.  After all, as long as you’re healthy and can manage your hormone levels, your “little man in the boat” will likely be the only organ left that’s working properly when you get old.  I don’t know about you, but I find that comforting.

Photo Credits: flickriver.com and redbubble.com

Your Perfection Is Not Required – Guest Blogger Lillian Ogbogoh

It’s funny how we think we need to be at expert level in our lives, that if we are not absolutely perfect at everything we do in our lives then we have somehow failed ourselves.  I am not sure who to hold responsible for this insidious notion but this idea alone has kept many of us from showing up in our own lives, waiting for the illusionary perfect time, perfect weight, perfect skills before being and doing what we want. I recently was in a Pilates class and the instructor said something that made me smile, she said I do not expect you to be perfect, I expect you to be here and improving. I am not sure who told us that we have to work at expert level in our lives, life is meant to be a series of learning moments that we move up a level and learn something else even Tony Hawks had to wipe out multiple times before he became the legend that he is.

How many times have you said you were going to try something new before your gremlins piped up and reminded you that you will look foolish that you didn’t know the steps to be good enough to take the salsa class? Is that just me, I know there is more of us out there that take ourselves out of the running before the game even starts… Okay let’s get it out there, yes you will look foolish, you may crush a few toes and look like a baby hippo trying to pirouette and so flaming what! No one ever died of embarrassment last time I checked.

You are not meant to be at expert level and no one except you are expecting you to be perfect, so cut yourself some slack and show up because that is the only way to go from a newbie to Tony Hawk. Apply for that new role that stretches your abilities and forces you to learn new skills, take on new responsibilities that you will fail fast in and learn how not to do it and move forward. Dare yourself this summer to become a newbie again, go to that class be it Pilates or the French class be willing to fail, you may discover something really awesome about you.

The problem with perfection is that it an insidious little monster, it masquerades like it is your friend asking for the best of the best from you but what it is really doing is getting in the way of you showing up. People, have you ever done something, created something but never shared it with anyone? Because you feel it is not your best offering it has to be perfect, you have to be perfect before you do X, Y, and Z. Before you know it your sweet perfection friend has taken over and keeps you spinning your wheels waiting for that perfect time to do and try something new. Heck, it might not even be doing something new, it may be something as simple as telling someone in your life, what you think or feel. However, you are waiting for that one perfect moment and the situation continues to fester till it blows up like a small volcano.

It is time to know that, no one expects you to be perfect, what is expected is that you show up and learn and participate, life is waiting for you to show up and play. Experience a few wipe outs and get moving again, just remember whenever your perfection monster starts squealing, just remind it that your perfection is not required.

 

for colored girls who have considered abortion / when the rainbow is enuf

Yes, Ladies. The title of this piece borrows from Ntozake Shange’s first and most celebrated work “for colored girls who have considered suicide / when the rainbow is enuf,” a series of poems choreographed to music in 1974, a year after Roe v. Wade. Shange’s work ushered in a bold, new way of depicting our struggle as women of color. Mixing poetry, music and verse, it was the result of Shange’s strengths as a poet, playwright, director, actor, educator and more.  Seeing the play was considered a right of passage for many girls and young women during the 1970’s and 1980’s. At the time, it was considered big drama – and still is today.

In a similar way, the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision on Monday to strike down the Texas law limiting access to abortion by requiring abortion providers to have admitting privileges at local hospitals which resulted in shutting down large numbers of clinics has been big drama, too. The struggle is real. Stephanie Toti argued the case on behalf of the plaintiff Whole Women’s Health at the young age of 37. It was her first case before the Supreme Court, and will probably be her most celebrated work – like Shange’s first piece – at least for a while. The ruling is ushering in a new way of seeing abortion laws. Reading about the case may become a right of passage for law students in the near future.

Although academic literature states that one third of all women will have an abortion in her life time, the procedure is so stigmatized that few people talk about it. But, Black and Brown women are more likely to have an abortion than their White counterparts. Talking about abortion can be stressful – with a lot of drama. So, considering abortion can be traumatic. But, thanks to the recent Supreme Court decision, accessing abortion can be less traumatic. Abortion isn’t suicide, but for some its pain can only be overcome by focusing on the rainbow.

Photo by Sy Friedman: Ntozake Shange (center), with Janet Leaue and Trazana Beverley, in the original stage version of for colored girls…