Tag Archives: ASK JANICE

My Sex Drive Is Affecting My Marriage: ASK JANICE

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Dear Janice,

HELP!  Lately, I have a much higher sex drive than my husband and it’s starting to affect my marriage.  We’ve been married for five years and were together three years before that.  I’ve always been very sexual, even before we got together.  When we started dating, he was just as into sex as I was, and we did “it” all the time.  For the most part, we still have a great marriage.

But for the last 9 months or so, his interest in sex has all but disappeared.  I didn’t complain at first because I know his job is stressful, and for a while, we were struggling with money.

Then things got better for us financially.  He got a raise.  I got a new job that pays more.  Our bills are under control and we’re no longer struggling.  We’re actually doing better than most of our friends.

But, his sex drive hasn’t gotten any better.  I really don’t think there’s anyone else because I’ve seen no signs of cheating.  Yet night after night, I lie there horny and frustrated while he snores.  I’m very unhappy, and when I try to talk to him about it, he just dismisses my concerns and says he’s still attracted to me, but he’s just tired.

To make matters worse, one of my co-workers at my new job keeps flirting with me.  He’s younger than me and knows I’m married.  I always shoo him away, but lately, I’ve been tempted.  I feel neglected at home, but here’s this cute, younger guy at work giving me all the attention I want.  I don’t want to betray my husband, but something’s got to give.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Married But Horny

****

Dear Married But Horny,

First of all, leave Young Co-Worker Dude alone!  For one thing, you don’t ever want to “crap where you eat”, as in have an affair with someone at work.  Not only is it just a bad idea for a bunch of obvious reasons (like jeopardizing that new, better paying job of yours), but it can also jeopardize your otherwise healthy marriage.  Listen.  Ain’t no side dick worth losing a good paycheck or a good husband over.

As far as your hubby’s waning sex drive, there could be several things happening.  For example, even though the money problems may be resolved, he still has the same stressful job.  He probably needs to find a healthy way to deal or cope with his stress, like establishing regular exercise regimen.  In fact, exercise isn’t only a great way to relieve stress, but it’s also been known to increase the sex drive … something about increased blood flow and all those endorphins being released, and whatnot.

Also, some medication, if taken over a period of time, can affect the sex drive.  I don’t know how old you and your husband are, but many medicines associated with middle-age-type ailments like high blood pressure can decrease the sex drive, especially in men.  If your husband takes medication regularly, he may need to consult with his physician to see if it’s affecting him sexually.

Which brings me to my next point.  Studies show that the male sex drive naturally starts to decline after age 30.  In other words, your husband may just be showing his age, sexually.  If that’s the case, and a healthier diet and regular exercise don’t help, medical intervention may be required.

But before you go out and get your spouse a prescription for the little blue pills, you need to try talking to him again.  Communication is key to resolving this, no matter what the cause.

Don’t wait until bedtime or when you’re super horny to talk to him, though.  Try having a calm, non-confrontational conversation with him when you’re both awake and fully clothed, but relaxed.  Timing is everything, since this is such sensitive subject matter.

Remember, you love this man and have committed your life to him.  So the last thing you want to do is damage his ego or put even more pressure on him.  Still, your feelings and needs are valid and need to be addressed.

When you sit down and talk to your husband, be sure to remain calm and maintain eye contact.  Then, without confronting or attacking him, tell him that you want more sex in your marriage.  Ask him if he knows why his appetites have waned, allowing him the chance to think things through on his own.  Men are problem solvers, so allow him the space to solve this.

As you know, communication is everything in a marriage.  I know the two of you will get past this, as long as you’re open, honest and treat each other with respect and kindness.  In the meantime, get you a good vibrator and handle your business until you get this resolved.

And again, stay far away from that young co-worker!  He ain’t nothin’ but trouble waiting to happen!

Good Luck!

JANICE

Photo Credit: Essence.com

 

 

Are You In An Abusive Relationship? An ASK JANICE SPECIAL

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!  The team at SuzyKnew! is all about raising awareness and advocating for this important issue.  Too many people fail to understand the nuances and dynamics of an abusive relationship.  In fact, many people don’t realize that domestic abuse is much more than just physical violence.

Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence (IPV), is defined as any abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetuated by one intimate partner against another.  It can include physical assault & battery, rape/sexual assault, psychological violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial control/abuse. 

In the U.S. alone, IPV is the leading cause of injury to women, ages 15-45, higher than car accidents, muggings and rapes, combined.  A woman is brutalized every 9 seconds, and women between ages 18-34 are especially vulnerable.

Contrary to popular opinion, IPV doesn’t discriminate.  It can happen to anyone, regardless of race, color, nationality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, physical ability, religion, socio-economic status, education, or geography.  It happens in small towns, big cities, rural areas, and suburbia.  It happens in affluent communities and poor neighborhoods.  It happens in LBGTQ relationships and straight relationships.

from-hello-beautiful-dot-com

It. Can. Happen. To. Anyone.

Could you or someone you know be in an abusive relationship?  Here are a few things to look for if you’re wondering (in no particular order):

  1. You feel scared for yourself, your kids, or your pets most of the time.
  2. You feel guilt and shame about your relationship.
  3. You feel controlled financially. You have limited or no access to money.  You’re forbidden to earn your own money.  You don’t participate in any financial decisions.
  4. You feel controlled You’re isolated from friends & family; you may even isolate yourself out of fear or shame.  You don’t do the things you used to enjoy.
  5. You’ve been coerced or forced to have sex when you didn’t want to (which is rape, by the way, even within marriage).
  6. Your partner demeans you and calls you names, making you feel like you can’t do anything right.
  7. Your partner is overly possessive of you, your time and your attention.
  8. Your partner threatens suicide if you talk about ending the relationship.
  9. You, your kids, your family or your pet(s) have been threatened.
  10. You, your kids, your family or your pet(s) have been threatened with a weapon.
  11. Your partner threatens to take your kids or pets away from you if you don’t comply with their demands or talk about leaving.
  12. Your partner physically attacks
  13. Your partner rarely takes responsibility for their behavior. If he/she gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. Or, if he/she beats you, it’s your fault for whatever you “did” to make him/her upset.

If you or someone you know is in trouble, don’t hesitate to seek help from domestic violence professionals.  Be careful, though.  When attempting to help someone else, do NOT do it alone.  You may be putting yourself and the person who’s being abused at risk.  Work with professionals.  In the U.S., you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. 

Outside the U.S., please use caution when searching online for help.  Many IPV help sites can be exited quickly, without leaving a digital trace.  Still, always be diligent about clearing your search history if you can’t use a safer device than your own.  Domesticshelters.org may also be able to help.

Stay safe, and do your part to End Domestic Violence Now

My Child’s Father Keeps Pursuing Me: ASK JANICE

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Hi Janice,

I’ve been going back and for with this guy (mostly sexually) for 9 years.  In that time, he’s only committed to me once, and then promptly broke up with me once he found out I was pregnant.  We co-parent, but a year after our break-up and the birth of our child, he committed to another woman he’d been seeing during my pregnancy (and likely before).  He continues to contact me regularly, insisting that we maintain a sexual relationship, even though he says he loves the person he’s with now.  Before I knew he was committed to someone else, I was sleeping with him.  But I stopped after I found out and was hurt.  He continues to pursue me, though.  And other than telling me he still “likes” me, he won’t be honest about what’s really going on.  Can you PLEASE share your perspective?

Sincerely,

Bothered

(This letter has been edited for space.)

 

Dear Bothered.

Girl, other than co-parenting with him, you need to LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE!

First of all, of course he’s going to keep after you for sex … you willingly slept with him without a commitment for 9 years!  He believes he’s entitled to it forever.  As far as he’s concerned, you don’t deserve to be anything more to him than a “jump off” who happens to be the mother of his child.

Remember the age-old adage: What you allow is what will continue.

But listen to me: you DO deserve more!  You deserve to be more than just a sex toy for a man who doesn’t respect you enough to give you a commitment!  You deserve more than just dirty sheets, sore thighs and a possible STD!  YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!

And the fact that you keep asking him what’s going on with his woman only adds to his already inflated ego, Girlfriend.  Stop asking.  You aren’t his friend and he’s not yours.  You can be friendly for the sake of your child, of course.  But the only thing you all need to regularly discuss is the child you share.

He is who he is, and he isn’t going to change: he’s a selfish, dirty dog who will keep chasing tail.  Need proof?  He still pesters you for sex while he’s in a so-called “committed” relationship.  That right there tells you all you need to know about this guy!  He didn’t commit to you after 9 years, and he’s clearly not committed to her, either.

And he claims to “love” her, while sniffing after you?  Yeah, right.

I know you have a child with this joker, and I hope he’s a good father.  But like I said before, you need to leave this man alone.  You deserve a man who will make you a priority, rather than just an option.  You deserve a relationship built on respect, trust, and honesty, rather than booty calls.  You’re worthy of so much more, Sis.

Please remember that you (and you alone) determine your worth.  Too many women seek validation from having a man and being in a “relationship”, no matter how demeaning.  We have to do better.

You need to do whatever it takes to elevate your self-esteem enough to never, ever settle for anything less than you deserve.  You need to love yourself enough to be able to walk away from anything or anyone that doesn’t recognize and respect your greatness.  You need to look in the mirror and see that you are someone deserving and worthy of real and true love, and then govern yourself accordingly.

As the late, great Nina Simone once said, “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served”.  I would add, “Don’t even sit at the table if love’s not being served”.

That’s my perspective.  Good luck.

How To Talk Dirty While Intimate: ASK JANICE

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Femme Fatale

Hi Janice,

I stumbled across your blog and I love it!  I love the tips, topics, honesty and openness; I’m just an all-around fan!  I can relate to most of what I’ve read.

I was in a relationship for most of my young adulthood: 12 years to be exact.  Although I’m open and adventurous and very sexual, I recently found that there is one major area that’s completely foreign to me, and I can’t stand it: talking dirty while being intimate!

I’m such a novice and I have to change that!  My current friend is really into it.  But I’ve never done it because the one I was with for 12 years wasn’t into it.

This is something I want to master for me.  The added bonus would be that it’s another way to drive my current friend crazy.  When I try to say things during the act, it doesn’t do it for him and he doesn’t respond, which is discouraging.  I don’t lay there silently by any means, but more dirty talk is what’s missing and what’s needed to make something great even better.

I tried your suggestion of listening to songs, but that hasn’t helped much.  Are there any tips or help you can give me with this? A class or something? I would so greatly appreciate it 

Thanks.

A Future Fluent Erotic Talker

(This letter was edited for space and format.)

 ****

Dear Future Fluent Erotic Talker:

First of all, thanks so much for your support!  We here at SuzyKnew! really appreciate it.

I absolutely love that you want to get better at dirty talk for YOU, and that pleasing your current friend is the added bonus.  So often, we turn ourselves inside out to please our partners, but rarely do we seek to elevate our sex skills for ourselves.  You’ve empowered me, today!  Thank you!

Let me begin to telling you that you’ve already taken the hardest step towards stepping up your dirty talk game: getting your mind right.  As I often say, our brain is our most important sex organ.  Specifically, our mindset is what enables us to take great sex and make it better.  You already have the desire (the right mindset) to get more fluent in dirty talk, and that’s more than half the battle!

That said and based on your letter, I do think the next step for you is an honest conversation with your current partner.  And I’d suggest having this talk outside the bedroom, fully clothed and when you’re both able to be totally present and open.  Gently bring up the fact that you want to enhance your already great sex life with more dirty talk on your part, and then ask what he likes to hear.  For me, there are certain phrases and words that hit the target every time, and certain things that turn me off completely.  Find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like.  It doesn’t have to be too specific, but you want to get a general idea.

For example, some men get off on being called “Daddy” during sex, but it totally freaks other men out.  Some women like being cursed at, but some hate being called out their name.  Some people like to be bossed around (“Do this”, “Faster.” “Harder”).  Others get off on doing the bossing.

Usually, it’s a matter of trial and error.  But in your case, a conversation with your current friend is definitely in order.  Plus, it opens the door for you to ask for what you want more of (or less of) in bed.

Which brings me to my next point and that is to remember that sex is another form of communication that involves ALL the senses: sight, taste, touch, smell and of course, SOUND.  So dirty talk is simply a way to continue the conversation the rest of your body is already having.  And like any conversation, it shouldn’t be forced.  It should ebb and flow naturally.

In other words, don’t try so hard!  Be natural.  Relax.  Be in the moment and speak your truth in that moment.  If it feels good, say it.  And say why it feels good and how it could feel even better.  If you pull a new move out of your bag of tricks, ask him how it feels and how it could feel better.

Get out of your head and listen to your body.  Listen to your friend’s body.  Listen to his conversation leading up to sex and go from there.  What does he say to let you know he’s in the mood?  Take that and continue talking about it in the bedroom.

And when all else fails, throw out a compliment, or two.  Everyone loves to hear how sexy they are, especially when they’re naked!

Finally, like any skill, dirty talk takes practice.  The more you do it, the better you’ll be.  Keep trying.  Seek honest feedback from your friend.

Most importantly, be confident.  You can’t be timid with dirty talk (unless your sex play calls for it, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation).  You gotta say it like you mean it!

Good luck and keep in touch!

My Boyfriend Is Going Too Fast ASK JANICE

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Dear Janice,

I’m in a relationship with someone I’ve not had sex with. I’m still a virgin. We started dating about two months ago. But recently, when we’re kissing he asked me to touch his dick and suck. I touched it, but refused to suck it. I find it disgusting to suck his dick. But he said i will have to do that some other time. Please help me out what do i do. I love him so much and he loves me too.

Signed,

Help Me

***

Dear Help Me,

I’m glad you found someone to love and who loves you back.  Believe me, that’s not an easy thing to do.  Still, you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable.  And anyone who really loves you wouldn’t expect you to.

Having sex, especially for the first time, is a VERY BIG DEAL.  So it’s important that when you choose to have sex, you’re absolutely ready.

This is true of oral sex, too.  When I was much younger and before I gave it a try, I thought oral sex was disgusting, too.  That’s because I was caught up in the many ways religion and society pressure women to suppress their sexuality.  You know, that whole good girl vs bad girl thing.  Plus, the thought of putting my mouth “down there” was just nasty.

But I was curious and open-minded, so my disgust didn’t last long.  Plus I got lucky and tried it for the first time with someone who was a patient instructor and, most importantly, someone who skillfully and generously reciprocated.  Reciprocity is a must in my book!

When done with the right person, oral sex is fun.  Sucking dick is fun.  It’s another form of intimacy, another way of communicating sexually that involves all the senses: touch, taste, smell, sound, sight … and when it’s shared mutually, it can bring you closer as a couple.

That said, you should NEVER, EVER do anything sexual you don’t want to do.  If, after doing a little research on your own with an open mind, you still don’t want to suck your boyfriend’s dick, then don’t.  If he dumps you over not getting his dick sucked, that says more about him than it says about you.  Because when you love someone, you respect their boundaries.  Period.

Otherwise, it isn’t love at all.

Good luck!

Photo courtesy of returnofkings.com

Why Am I So Insatiable? ASK JANICE

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Hi Suzy,
I am a 29 year old guy, I think I have a problem I am too shy to talk about. All I seem to think about is sex and even after a good round of it, I still want more of it. Help needed here!

Dear Help Needed,

Suzy sent me your inquiry, hoping I might be able to help.  So here goes …

First of all, from what I can tell, there really isn’t anything “wrong” with you.  I don’t know anything about your overall health, diet, relationship status, exercise regimen, etc.  But assuming all is well in those areas, you sound perfectly fine to me.

Humans are naturally sexual beings.  It behooves us as a species to not only be interested in having sex, but to want to have sex.  Trust me, there are A LOT of people (men and women) who feel the same way you do.

That said, different cultures, religions, and communities view sexuality differently.  What may seem like a “normal” sex drive on one part of the globe may seem excessive elsewhere.  Since I don’t know where you’re from, how you worship or how you were raised, it’s hard for me to say if your sex drive is “normal” or not.

Still, I did a little research for you, and wasn’t surprised to learn that a man’s sex drive is mostly in his head … literally.  According to healthline.com, your brain’s cortex and limbic systems, along with your testosterone levels are huge contributors to your sex drive.  For a man well past puberty, your constant thinking about sex is probably normal, assuming your brain functions and hormone levels are fine.  After all, you’re at the prime “baby making” age, so your high sex drive may just be your biological clock ticking.

Now we’ve all heard that men reach their sexual peak in their teens/early 20s.  While this may or may not be true, as far as testosterone levels, “men (do) peak in their late teens. It’s also true that as testosterone levels decline, it takes longer to get an erection. And it takes longer after ejaculation before a man can achieve an erection again. But the reduction in testosterone isn’t generally measurable until age 30.”  (Source: http://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/sex-drive)

In other words, you’re still at your sexual peak!  But you’ll probably notice a decline in your sex drive by the time you reach your next birthday.  So don’t worry or feel guilty about being so horny.  Sounds like you’re a typical 29 year old man who just needs to find partners who share your enthusiasm.

Hey, here’s a thought: since women typically reach their sexual peak later in life, an older woman might be a good sexual fit for you.  Know any “cougars”?

what-does-a-cougar-eat_f980df6800c71b33

         Cougar photo credit: Robert Ginn Photolibrary Getty Images                                                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                   

 Featured photo courtesy: Quora

I Want To Get Married But Can’t Give Up My Boo ASK JANICE

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Dear JANICE,

I’m 23 years old and currently in a relationship with a great guy.  We’ve been together for just over a year, now.  He’s a hard-working, thoughtful, God-fearing man who’s very good to me.  My family loves him.  My friends love him.  I love him! 

The problem is that I have a friend-with-benefits I just can’t seem to shake.  We don’t see each other often because he only comes to town about four times a year.  But when we do see each other, sparks fly.  I must admit we have (secretly) slept together twice since I started dating my boyfriend.  I didn’t plan on doing it.  It just happened.  I felt terrible and swore to myself I’d never do it again.  But I keep going back every time he calls me.

I have a feeling my boyfriend is going to propose soon.  I want to say yes, but am afraid I’ll cheat on him when my “friend” comes back to town.  What should I do?  Should I admit what I’ve done to my boyfriend and risk losing him forever?  Or worse, break his heart? 

Please help!

Signed,

Tempted in Texas

****

Dear Tempted,

Let’s take some time to really unpack what’s going on, here.  First of all, you slept with your “friend” on TWO occasions since being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend.  You say you didn’t plan on doing it and that it “just happened”.  I might buy that explanation for the first time you cheated with him.  I mean, who among us hasn’t had the occasional “oops” moment of transgression.

But you did it TWICE.  That second time didn’t “just happen”, Girl.  That second time you knew exactly what you were doing, and you did it anyway.  You need to own that, Sis.  You need to admit to yourself that you saw your “friend’ that second time with every intention of sleeping with him again, and you did it.  So own it.  .

Now, to your boyfriend.  Taking your “friend” out of the equation for the moment, I do believe you when you say you love your boyfriend.  You’re clearly aware of all the things he brings to the table: he’s a hard-working, God-fearing man who’s good to you and is loved by your family and friends.

But are you IN love with him, really?  Do you really love him enough to marry him?  Is he the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

You need to ask yourself these questions and be brutally honest when you answer them.  Because if your boyfriend is truly the man you’re destined to align your life with forever, forsaking all others, then you need to act accordingly.  Are you ready to do that?

I suspect what’s really happening is you’re just not ready to settle down with one man.  And that’s okay.  You’re only 23!  If you’re hooking up with your “friend” while committed to your boyfriend, you’re clearly not ready for that level of commitment.

You said yourself that you’re afraid you’ll cheat on your boyfriend again.  I may be reading between the lines here, but it sounds like you’re already planning to do it.  And if that’s the case, then you need to do the right thing and talk to your boyfriend about your relationship.  You need to tell him that you’re just not ready for the commitment he seeks.  That doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship … but you probably should change the terms of your relationship so that nobody gets hurt.  Just be honest.

But, if you really believe that you can give yourself fully to your boyfriend and ONLY your boyfriend, then you know exactly what you need to do: immediately cease any and all contact with your “friend” and let him become a fond memory.  Don’t take his calls.  Don’t answer his texts.  Delete him from your social media.  Just let him go and move forward.

Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself.  Life’s too short to be anything but honest, especially with yourself.

Good luck.

 

How Can I Tell If It’s Really Love? ASK JANICE

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Christmas Sex

It’s the holiday season. A wonderful time to be in love – and kissed underneath the mistletoe. If you’re looking for love, how you know when you’ve found it?

Below is a reprint of ASK JANICE’s answer to this age-old question.

****

Dear Janice,

I’ve been with the same guy for five years.  Just recently, a co-worker asked me how I knew I was actually in love as opposed to just comfortable.  That got me thinking.  How can I tell if it’s really love?

Cynthia

******

Dear Cynthia,

Let’s talk about love!

First of all, congratulations on the longevity of your relationship!  These days, five years is like the new decade!  It’s a challenge to stay together … especially in the age of social media where old lovers can be found with a click of the mouse and every stupid thing you do can end up on YouTube.  So, the fact that you’ve hung in there says a lot.

Only you can determine if it’s real love, though.  I’m sure that after five years, you’ve already figured out the difference between that all-consuming romantic lust we have at the beginning of relationships and the real thing.  At first, it’s all flowers and moonlight, candles and hand-holding.  We can’t stand to be away from that person, even for the few hours we’re at work.  We talk constantly, whether by phone, text or Twitter.

And the sex?  Nothing and I mean nothing beats that beginning-of-the-relationship sex!  Both of you treat each encounter like a performance, pulling out all your best moves and your sexiest lingerie.  And you’re both insatiable … seeming to want and need it all the time.  You screw like rabbits and can’t get enough of each other.

But, after the honeymoon is over, all those quirky little things you thought were cute in the beginning are now annoying.  You don’t feel as obligated to laugh at all of his jokes and he no longer bothers to leave the room before he farts in front of you.  Conversations are brief, only occurring at your insistence or during half-time of the game.

As for sex, it’s still good, just not as frequent as before.  You’ve seen each other’s best moves and frankly, they just aren’t as impressive as before.  And you don’t mind so much if your panties and bras don’t match before you go to bed, either.  In fact, you don’t even give your pre-sex lingerie much thought anymore.  If it’s clean, you wear it!

And yet …

He’s still the first person you think of calling when you get good news at work.  He’s also the first person you call when you get bad news.  You don’t care if you laugh so hard you snort around him; and the fact that he can still make you laugh hard enough to make you snort speaks volumes.  You may hate it when he leaves the toilet seat up or his socks on the floor, but your heart still skips a beat when you hear his key in the door after a long day at work.  He’s still the last face you want to see when you go to sleep and the first voice you want to hear when you wake up.

You may not generate the heat and fireworks like you did when you first got together, but he’s still the only one who can make your temperature rise, even if it’s just a little bit.  He knows all your hot spots like the back of his hand, and yet he still goes just slow enough to send you to your bliss each and every time.

And even though you may bicker and fight like cats and dogs, you share a certain synchronicity that can’t be duplicated anywhere else.  It’s a rhythm, a harmonic beat that only the two of you can hear.  Most of the time you’re not even conscious of it … but it’s there.  It binds you together as you weather each storm, pulling you closer as each year passes.

Yeah, it’s comfortable, too.  Kind of like an old pair of slippers or that tee shirt you sleep in and just can’t get rid of.  But it’s also comforting, providing a safe harbor from the day-to-day trials of life.  And you share a deep respect for each other, so that no matter how angry or annoyed you get, you’ll only go so far with your insults and barbs.  You’ll never really set out to hurt each other.

And that’s just a little glimpse at what real love is … so enjoy

ASK JANICE your intimate question. Write to Suzyknew@suzyknew.com put ASK JANICE in the subject line.

Passion Play – SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA

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As soon as I opened the door, I knew what was on his mind.  He had that look in his eyes, again.  The one so intense, it makes me feel naked and vulnerable, even when I still have on all my clothes.

I love that look.

I leaned in for a kiss and he pulled me roughly into his arms.  I can’t lie.  I love it when he does that.  He’s so strong and his body feels so hard against my softness.  As soon as our mouths met, sparks flew.

Oh yes, I thought.  This is gonna be fun!

We kissed each other passionately as he backed me away from the front door.  He kicked it closed with his foot.  Then, still kissing me, Royce* led me straight to my bedroom.

“Get undressed,” he mumbled.  We were standing beside my bed.

I guess I didn’t move fast enough, because he slapped me on my ass and said, “Now!”

Breathless from his kisses, I pulled my sweater over my head.  Before I had a chance to go further, Royce reached behind me and had my bra unhooked in seconds.  The way he stared at my breasts when he carelessly flung my bra to the floor made my knees weak.

As soon as my jeans were off, he roughly shoved me onto the bed.  I barely had a chance to raise my hips when he yanked my off my panties and tossed them aside.  Then, grabbing me by my waist he pulled me to the edge of the bed and he said, “Come here!”

Royce knows my body better than any man I’ve ever been with, so he knows full well that I like a soft touch in the beginning.  Especially when it comes to oral.

But today, he put aside all niceties and sweetness for pure, unbridled lust.  Still fully clothed, he immediately started eating my pussy with gusto.  He may have mumbled something about being “hungry”, but I can’t be sure.  I couldn’t really hear over the ringing in my ears from the sharp spike in my own desire.

When it comes to giving me oral pleasure, Royce is a beast!  Even on an off day, he can do things with his mouth so good they ought to be illegal.  And this day was definitely no off day.

He didn’t begin with gentle little licks and kisses like he usually does.  Instead he dove in like a man on a mission, and I had no choice but to succumb and enjoy.

He licked.  He sucked.  He kissed.  Royce soon had my body quivering from head to toe.  Whenever the feeling would get too intense, I’d instinctively try to scoot away from him.  He never let me get far, though.  His strong hands would yank me back into position and hold me there tightly.

And then he started licking my sweet spot with his head at a slight angle.  He knows this is exactly what he needs to do to make me cum.  I wanted to reach down and hold his head in place, but couldn’t seem to let go of the sheets I clutched in each fist.

Royce got the message, though.  It may have been me saying “Yes, right there.  Don’t stop!”  But I can’t even be sure I said anything out loud.  Either way, he kept up that steady rhythm that was pushing me closer and closer to the edge.

I could feel the stirrings of an orgasm at the base of my spine, so I braced myself.  My hips seemed to have a mind of their own.  Royce let me set the pace and followed my lead with his tongue.  Then just as the first waves hit, he slid his hands under my ass and pulled my pussy even closer to his mouth.  Suddenly my body exploded with pleasure!

One of things I love about Royce is how he’s never really satisfied if I only cum once.  He’s very generous like that.  So I wasn’t surprised when, as my body floated back to earth, Royce didn’t stop eating my pussy.  Most men would immediately be ready for their turn.  Not Royce.  Still completely dressed, he kept right on licking without missing a beat.

Knowing I’m always a little sensitive after a big orgasm, he was gentler this time.  And so patient.  He just kept at it, even as I took a little longer than usual to catch my breath.  He took the time to stroke and kiss my thighs as my arousal slowly began to climb again.  And his patience paid off, because soon I was right back on the brink of paradise, begging him for another release.

This time he watched me as I recovered.  He stood by the bed and watched as my body twitched in the aftermath while I tried to catch my breath.  His goatee was drenched in my juices, and he licked his lips appreciatively.

Then, he surprised me.  Just as I started to sit up and reach for his belt buckle, eager to return the favor, Royce said “Turn over.  I want to eat you from behind.”

Y’all.

Never mind that I wasn’t sure my wobbly knees could even support my weight.  But surely this man didn’t really want to eat me some MORE?  What?

Never one to look at gift horse in the mouth, I did as I was told.  It felt very different from this angle, too.  For some reason, and it may have been the way he was positioned, his tongue play was a little lighter, a little more elusive.  I spread my legs wider, hoping to make it a little easier for him to reach my clit.  It worked, and soon I felt those magnificent lips of his clasp on to very spot that would get me there again.

It felt great, but after a little while, I needed more than his mouth.  After two intense orgasms, I was ready for some penetration.  I longed to feel him inside me, to feel a little more connected to him.  Besides, I wanted to rock his world, too.

“I want you inside me,” I told him even as I thrust my pussy even harder onto his face.  “Please, Royce.  Give me my dick!”

Yes, ladies.  I claim the dick.  It’s mine, and I ain’t ‘shamed to say so!

Slowly, Royce pulled his mouth off my throbbing pussy.  I almost regretted asking him to stop.  Almost.  I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see him drop his pants to the floor and climb onto the bed behind me.

“I”mma let you have your dick, Sophia.”  He said, grabbing my hips.  “But only if you promise that I can eat my pussy some more later!”

I held my breath, waiting to feel him enter me.  I heard him tear the condom wrapper and braced myself.  When he finally put it in, he went slowly.  Too slowly.  I wanted him too much to wait, so I pushed back onto him, taking him deep within me.

He’s so big and thick it always hurts a little at first, no matter how wet I am.  But it’s that good kind of hurt, the kind that makes you beg for more.

I didn’t have to beg this time, though.  Royce started hammering me, at times thrusting so hard, he lifted me right off the bed.  It felt so damned good it brought tears to my eyes.

I met each of his thrusts with hard ones of my own, and his moans got louder.  But it was when he got quiet that I knew he was getting close.  I could tell by the way he grabbed my hips that he wouldn’t last much longer.  I was pleased, because more than anything, I wanted to make him feel as good as he made me feel.

So I put my back into it, taking complete control of both our movements.  This worked, because in just a few strokes, he was ready to explode.  This got me even more worked up so that soon, I was at the edge, too.

I could feel his balls slap against my clit as he rammed his thick dick into me over and over again.  It felt so good, my legs started to tremble, as if they’d give way at any moment.  Somehow I held on, though.  And just before Royce came with a shout, I had my own orgasm, cumming so hard I couldn’t even make any noise.

We collapsed on the bead, panting.  Royce pulled me into his arms and I buried my face in his broad, muscled chest.  His heart was pounding, as was mine.

He recovered first and whispered, “I love you, Baby.”  Then he kissed me on my forehead and that’s all I remember before falling into a deep sleep.

*Royce is my Boo’s online name.  I keep his government name and identity a secret for privacy.

His Brother’s Keeper: ASK JANICE Domestic Violence Month Special

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I have a serious question for all the good guys out there who know men that beat women: what have you done to stop it?  Do you ever challenge your friend to change?  Do you ever “check” him, or offer to get him some help?

Or do you look the other way, saying and doing nothing at all?

I’m not suggesting that it’s anyone’s responsibility to stop an abuser from beating women other than the abuser himself.  The abuser bears the responsibility for his actions, as we all do.  That’s not what I’m trying to uncover here.

What I want to know is whether or not other men even try to stop the abuse from happening?  If you know your friend, colleague, frat brother, cousin, golf buddy, or fantasy football league member beats his wife or partner, do you do anything?

Do you pull him aside and say, “Hey man, you need to get some help.  What you’re doing is wrong.  You need to stop, and if you can’t stop, I’ll help you”?

I started thinking about this a few months before my father died.  He was, as he had been for quite some time after his cancer diagnosis, very reflective about his long life.  One evening, he started telling me about someone very close to him (but no longer living) who was exceptionally “cruel and sadistic to every woman in his life”.  He recounted story after story about the awful things this man did, things that made me cringe.

I let my dad ramble until I finally had to ask, “Did you do anything to get him to change his behavior?  Did you ever do anything to protect the women he hurt?”

In hindsight, I feel guilty for challenging my 88 year-old, terminally-ill father like that.  He was one of the gentlest souls ever, never raising a hand or even his voice to my mother, my sister or me.  I’m sure my tone was pretty harsh and I feel bad about that now that he’s gone.

Yet he, better than anyone, knew my history.  More than two decades earlier, I’d been on the receiving end of psychological and physical abuse at the hands of my live-in boyfriend.  My dad was there when, battered and terrorized, I came running home.  He took the pictures of my bruises, himself!  He saw firsthand what this man did to me and reacted as any father would: with disbelief, anger and sadness.

My father’s sadness hurt me more than the beatings did.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when I raised my shirt to show him my bruises.

So when, 25 years after I left that abusive relationship for good, I challenged him about his own inaction towards someone close to him who was a serial abuser, I did so from a place of deep hurt.  My scars, scabbed over by years of recovery, are still there.

Dad was taken aback by my questions.  He looked surprised and even a little hurt.  Then our conversation was interrupted by one of his many home health care visits, and I left it alone.

I’d obviously struck a chord, though.  A few days later, my dad brought the subject up again and admitted that I’d gotten him to “re-evaluate some things”.

“In all honesty, I don’t think I did anything,” he told me, sadly.  “I should have.  I don’t know why, but I just didn’t.  I know I at least told him he was wrong, but that’s about it.”

My father was dying.  And he truly was a good man.  So I let him off the hook and never brought the subject up again.  But, it made me wonder about the other men in abusers’ lives and whether they ever did anything.

These questions resurfaced with this summer’s release of “Straight Outta Compton”, the movie about the rise of the rap group, NWA.  Full disclosure: I saw and enjoyed the movie.

But I also joined the chorus of voices who protested the absence of Dr. Dre’s well-documented history of violence against women.  On the one hand, I totally understand why this wasn’t covered by the movie.  If I made a movie about my life, I certainly wouldn’t put any of my bad deeds in there.

On the other hand, the complete erasure and subsequent “statements” from Dre and Apple, with whom Dre has a very lucrative business relationship, were galling.  And for me, it speaks to the larger issue of how little women are regarded not only in the music industry, because misogyny certainly transcends rap and hip hop, but in our society in general.

Did anyone try to protect Dee Barnes while Dre beat her?  Did any of his “boys” intervene on her behalf?  Did they challenge him at all on his violent acts?

We’ll never know, of course.  Only the people who were there really know what happened.  And I hope that Dre’s apology was sincere and that he truly has changed his ways.

In many cases, it’s probably too much to expect an abuser’s family to be very helpful.  After all, this is the same family that either created the abuser or grew up in the same home as the abuser, and so was probably just as damaged.

But what about friends?  Is it too much to expect the friends of an abuser to “check” his behavior or offer to get him help?  How can you just look the other way when someone you know is beating their wife or partner?

I’m not naïve.  I understand that most abuse happens behind closed doors where no one can see it.   And that’s by design.  Abusers isolate their victims from family and friends.  So it makes sense that the abused woman’s people don’t really know what’s going on in her relationship.  He’s isolated her, and she’s so beaten down by shame and fear, she’s likely to keep her mouth shut.  I know this because I was that woman.

But what about his people?  Surely, in a significant number of cases, the abuser’s friends have at least a vague idea of what he’s doing.  Do they just ignore it?  Or do they challenge it?

For the record, my abuser’s family and friends did try to help.  They did speak up and some even begged me not to go back to him after the first incident.  That I did go back is totally on me, and I’m ashamed of that fact to this very day.  But, I’ve always been grateful for their efforts to change him.

I was lucky, though.

According to statistics, about 4,000 women die from abuse every year.  Many die while trying to escape their abuser’s clutches.  I have to wonder how much that number would drop if more men close to the abusers intervened.

Domestic partner violence can never be eliminated through the efforts of women alone.  It’s going to take everyone, especially the billions of men who believe beating women is wrong.

So to the good men out there, be your brother’s keeper.  Help us eradicate domestic violence forever.  If you see something, speak on it.  Trust your instincts and act accordingly.  You just may save someone’s life.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month here in the U.S.  If you or someone you know is being abused, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is safe, discreet and available 24/7, 365 days a year.  Call 1-800-799-7233.