Tag Archives: slider

New Recommendations On How To Prevent HIV/AIDS

HIV/AIDS 2 Comments

Ladies, did you know that in the US, HIV-infection rates are no longer going down and at the same time condom use continues to fall?

What to do?

US health officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) are now recommending that Americans at high risk of infection take Truvada(R), a pill from Gilead Sciences.  Truvada is the only drug approved for both HIV prevention – and treatment

SuzyKnew! first brought you news on Truvada back in May 2012, when it was approved by the FDA to prevent HIV/AIDS in addition to its use as treatment. At the time, the CDC declined to recommend the drug to stave off HIV infection, despite the FDA approval. Now the organization has changed its mind. According to FiercePharma, fewer than 10,000 patients use Truvada now. But, that could rise drastically – as much as five-fold – if more people follow the new guidelines. However, it could take quite a while for people to start using the drug for prevention, even though it could save and extend lives.

It’s definitely great news that there is now more than one way to prevent HIV/AIDS. We need all the ammunition we can get. But, we all know condoms are the only way to prevent both HIV and STI’s. Plus, condoms are drug-free.

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy

SuzyKnew!

SIZZLE WITH SOPHIA: Getting Something ‘Different’ At Home

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia 3 Comments

I had a great conversation with my favorite boyfriend the other night.  Yes, I have more than one boyfriend.  But don’t judge me.  I’m not sleeping with all of them … yet.  It’s just that I haven’t found Mr. Right yet, and I like dating.  Besides, I’m always safe, and I’m always honest.

Anyway, Armand* is my favorite because of the great sex and great conversation.  He’s cute and funny and keeps me on my toes.  And we’ve known each other for years and are good friends both in and out of the bedroom.

So after round one the other night, Armand and I were basking in the afterglow when he asked “Is there anything I could have done that would’ve made that better for you?”

The question came out of the blue, so I had him repeat it.  He did and then said “I know you enjoyed yourself, Baby.  I just want to know what else you’d like to try.”

I hesitated, worried about that fragile male ego I’ve always heard about.  And anyway, Armand is a very good lover.  He’s patient and considerate.  He’s got mad skills.  And hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Then I really thought about it.  Sex with Armand isn’t boring by any means.  But like most couples who’ve been together awhile, we’ve pretty much seen each other’s best moves.  I know I’d certainly exhausted my bag of tricks.  So it’s not that we needed to improve our sex-capades, but even the best routines need to be tweaked now and then.

After some thought, I mentioned a couple things that intrigued me.  Then I threw the question back to him.  What followed was one of the most honest conversations about sex I’ve ever had!  We opened up about fantasies and curiosities we’d never shared with anyone.  There was no judgment and nothing was off-limits!

Armand and I even talked about how to make the things we already do even better.  We broke it down with “I love it when you do this”; “I used to like that, but not so much anymore”; and “Next time we do so-and-so, can we try adding …?”  We got specific.  We got graphic.  We even went so far as to take each other’s hand and say, “Not here, but right here.”

By the time we were ready for round two, we were hornier than ever.  The sex was hot and intense!  Just tweaking a few moves here and there made it so much better.  And those fantasies we’d mentioned?  Let’s just say I added to my bag of tricks big time that night!

It was like being with a new lover, but with the comfort and familiarity of an old friend.  After all this time, we were still able to surprise each other, and it was incredible!

The fun lasted all night, too.  The next day, I was sore and exhausted.  And I don’t even have to tell you how wrecked my hair was.  I didn’t care, though.  My bad hair and limp were totally worth it.

This experience helped me to realize that all couples should check in with each other sexually.  It doesn’t have to be every day or even every month.  But every now and then these kinds of talks need to happen.  Tastes change, new desires develop and fetishes evolve.  As we experience and learn new things, our feelings change.  It only makes sense that over time, what we’re “into” sexually will change, as well.

Admittedly, these conversations aren’t always comfortable.  They require trust and openness, and a complete lack of judgment.  But these talks are necessary so that things don’t get stale and no one gets bored.

I’m not saying that having this kind of conversation will necessarily stop infidelity, though.  A cheater is going to cheat regardless.  But one reason often given for infidelity is sexual boredom.  Guys say it all the time.  “My wife won’t do this”, or “I could never ask my woman to do that.”

That’s ridiculous!  Have you ever asked your woman if she would do this or that?  She might surprise you!  Give her a chance and she might just pull some new tricks out of her bag that will make you scream!

Anyway, if a couple stays in touch with each other’s desires and fantasies, they’d have fewer reasons to stray.  Why seek something different elsewhere when you can get something different at home?

Ladies, if you want to make sure your man is happy with your sex life, you need to ask some questions.  You might not like everything you hear, but you might also learn something you need to know.

Your man may want to try some new things, but he’s worried about shocking or offending you.  So, he says nothing but he keeps fantasizing about it.  Soon, that fantasy becomes an obsession.  And the next thing you know, he’s looking elsewhere to scratch that itch.

Your guy needs to know that you’re available to scratch whatever itch he has, and that that he can act out his fantasies with you.  Who knows?  His fantasy may get you off, too.  But you’ll never know if you don’t talk to each other.  Remember, even the most intuitive couples can’t read each other’s minds.

Not only did Armand and I find new ways to enjoy each other, we also fine-tuned some of our regular moves.  We’ve both changed over the years, but at least now we’re on the same page.

So ladies, don’t be afraid to have this conversation with your man.  Don’t be shy, either.  Besides, it’ll give you a chance to let him in on a few things you’re interested in trying.  The way I see it, having this talk is a win-win for everyone!

*Names and details have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

 

Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Am Still Single: Guest Blogger Eleanore Wells – Spinsterlicious

Opinion 3 Comments

I have an awesome life: I live in New York City, a place that I love, and have a great career as a marketing research consultant, an active social life, and vacations around the world. I have great relationships with my family and a fabulous circle of good friends. I support charitable organizations with my money and time, and adore my 15-year-old Yorkie, Danny. Despite all this goodness, though, there are many who look at my life and feel sorry for me…because I’m single. And I don’t get it.

Marriage is not for everyone, and the high divorce rate corroborates this.  And the U.S. Census says that while only 28% of U.S. adults were unmarried in 1970, that percentage rose to 47% in 2010.  Plus, a 2011 study by the Pew Research Institute found that the number of U.S. adults who are unmarried is now 49%, a record high.  So, there’s a lot of single people out there, and I’m a little baffled why people act like being single is such a bad thing.  It’s not.

I’ve been single all my life.  In fact, I like to describe myself as a spinster, a word a lot of people don’t like. I want them to get over it, because being single –a spinster—is just fine, and I’ve learned a few life lessons for making it work.  So, for those who still aren’t quite sure that “living single” can be really good, here’s a few things to think about:

 1. Revel in Your Freedom. Being single, I’m not encumbered with many of the restrictions that come with having a husband and children.  My time and my money are my own and I can spend them however I want.  I love to travel and so I do.  I’ve traveled the U.S. and the world, and plan to continue doing so.  I can sleep in on the weekends.  I can dash out of the house at a moment’s notice –without looking for a babysitter or discussing it with my husband– if someone rings me up and says “join me”.

2. Have Adventure.  Pushing the “freedom” thing a bit, I recommend adventure…pushing the envelope…stepping out of your comfort zone from time to time. I want to make sure that I can look back at my life when I’m 90 and say “well done, girlie.” Being single means it’s okay to indulge in a few unconventional behaviors on occasion. Years ago,  I quit my corporate job and started my own company before I had a client, I once found myself in the hotel room of an A-List actor, and I took off for a two-week trip to Europe alone after thinking about it for just a week. Had I not been single, these actions could have seemed a bit irresponsible.  Instead, they were just fun.  In September, I’ll be trekking through the High Atlas Mountains of Morocco and I can’t wait.

3. Use Birth Control.  This is an important one and nothing to be casual about. If you’re not  deliberately trying to change your spinster status by having a child, then be very careful. Otherwise, your new nickname could be “Mom”. And all those freedoms you used to have will disappear.

4. Don’t Re-Date the Jackass Ex-. Sometimes being single can get a little lonely. Then, we look around to see who’s available and the ex- starts to look a little better. Don’t do it though. It’s important to remember that this loneliness usually doesn’t last, and is often about something else going on in your life. Figure out what that is and deal with it, because if he was a jackass the first time around, he’s still one. I know this for a fact, so I’m saving you the trouble. A word to the wise should be sufficient.

My hope is to remind every unmarried woman out there that her life should be celebrated. There is something empowering and rather brave about not marrying or having children if you’re not 100% sure.

Admittedly, some single women wish they were married, but since they’re not at the moment, I’d like them to focus on what’s good in their lives. A spinster may or may not eventually marry but, in the meantime, she certainly owes herself a great life.

Read more about the joys and realities of being single in Eleanore’s book “The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree”, her very popular blog, The Spinsterlicious Life, and her Spinsterlicious Facebook Fan Page.

How To Build A FAM Village Of Support: The Roses Of Fertility Awareness

Fertility Awareness 1 Comment
istock.com

Ladies, last month I told ya’ll about a not-so-great run in with a nurse-practitioner when I told her I was using FAM. By the way she was talking, this woman was basically asking me, “Have you bought your maternity jeans yet?” Uh. No.

Can a sista’ get some support here?

So, I want to take a couple of minutes and share with y’all positive reactions I’ve gotten from people that I’ve shared my FAM-life with. It’s about the support and the community you build…you know what I’m sayin’?

We all need a little support, right? Especially when we do something that’s different from what the people around us are doing, like eating fresh vegetables in the Mayonnaise and Fried Foods World of the South (a battle I fight everyday living in rural North Carolina) or being the first one in your family or community to go to college, get divorced, or breastfeed. When we make empowered choices in our lives, it’s nice to have a little back up or network of social support, right?! Some people call this “building your village.”

Here’s how I’ve built my FAM village of support:

FAM Village #1 – Friends who have supported my seemingly crazy choices before. Last summer I stealthily bought “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” after I had had quite enough of the Pill. After a few months of hard work, I needed some friends (outside of my partner) to give me some love for going down this seemingly singular path of birth control. The first friends I went to were either the ones that I had seen make empowered healthy decisions themselves or ones with whom had supported me before when I went against the grain to do something I believed in (like hyphenating my last name and deciding to become a midwife). Sure enough, when I told these friends about my journey from the Pill to FAM, none of these women batted an eyelash. I even found out that a couple of them were experimenting with FAM themselves!

 

FAM Village #2 – Colleagues who support women. I study and work in the public health world, which is focused (for good reason) on what prevents diseases and supports the health of populations. When it comes to birth control, this is usually best done by providing condoms, IUDs, and hormonal contraception to women free of cost. So, I was a little worried that my colleagues would think that I had jumped ship on the whole public health thing. And, some did. As I (carefully) shared what I was trying out, some people raised their eyebrows in skepticism. That’s to be expected, right? I did, however, find a lot of women who saw women as individual with the capacity to make the best decisions for themselves. These colleagues were (not surprisingly) the most supportive.

 

FAM Village #3 – The internet. Oh, the interwebs. You can anything, including supportive communities for FAM. I’ve gotten emails from other women who have been trying out FAM, who study it, and who write about it. Although I can’t just grab a drink with these women whenever I want, connecting with them via the internet has been cool to see what others are doing and why they are doing it. I can also send them messages to tell them what a kick-ass job they are doing preventing their pregnancies and knowing their bodies. Here are some fun blogs to check out.

 

 

#BringBackOurGirls: The Value Of African Women – A SuzyKnew! Mother’s Day Special

Opinion 1 Comment

Today is Mother’s Day for many, and most of us have heard about the horrible situation facing more than 300 girls in northeast Nigeria who were kidnapped from their school by the terrorist group Boko Haram to be sold into slavery or become “wives” of the terrorists. Their mothers are heart broken and have taken to social media to rally others to liberate their daughters. Even US First Lady Michelle Obama, who sees her own girls in these girls and can identify with their mothers, has jumped into the fray, holding up a #bringbackourgirls sign while delivering the weekly presidential address.

While this situation is horrible, it sheds light on an important and positive change taking place in Africa and among African women and those of African descent.  A new and better value is being placed on African women and their sexuality.

When SuzyKnew! was launched December 2010, many people said “African women don’t use the internet. It won’t reach African women.” Few knew that at the time Nigeria had one of the highest growth rates in new internet users in the world. Today, Nigeria ranks number 11 in countries with the highest internet users, and overall, Africa has seen a massive growth in mobile web usage. Africans use the web for many things we in the US still use brick and mortar businesses for or long, “speak-to-mutliple-customer-service-reps-and-be-placed-on-hold-forever” calls. Facebook use and social media in Africa have soared, generating many new Africa-specific websites.  Over half of all SuzyKnew! subscribers are women located in Nigeria, Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda and other African countries.

Not so long ago, many conservative African societies, such as those where the kidnapped girls live, placed more value in a woman’s ability to become a wife and mother than her ability to contribute beyond her sexual destination as a woman. Like African-American women, African women were valued for their reproductive assets or viewed primarily as sex objects. Whether it was a National Geographic spread showcasing African women’s breasts or an American hip hop video  featuring black women’s gyrating booties, a sexual, subservient African/African-American women is what the world has mainly seen.

Enter the mothers of northeast Nigeria. Via social media,they have let the world know that from their economically modest, conservative and traditional community, they were sending their most valued treasure to school: their daughters.  Before this would have been only their sons. Today, it’s their daughters. Girls they hope will become doctors, lawyers, judges and more in a rapidly growing and changing Nigeria – in a rapidly changing Africa. These women want something better for their daughters than they had for themselves.

Enter new portraits of African-American women: Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Scandal’s Olivia Pope, and more. The value of women of color is higher and continues to increase. We are claiming our sexuality for ourselves and making it into what we want. Websites by and for us have sprung up all over the world.  We want our sexuality back – and our girls!

Happy Mother’s Day to those raising tomorrow’s women of color – tomorrow’s children.

Happy Mother’s Day to women of color who were raised by mothers who wanted us to be more than a gyrating booty.

SuzyKnew!

Keep it sexy!

Keep it healthy!

 

 

ASK AN OBGYN: What’s The Real Story On Having Sex During Your Period?

Ask an OBGYN Religion 2 Comments

Dear SuzyKnew!   What’s the real story on having sex while on your period?  Some of my friends don’t do it at all during their time of the month.  Other friends don’t care and say that they like it because it’s a safe time because you can’t get pregnant.  Is this true? I don’t like all the mess, but my man doesn’t think it’s a big deal.   What’s your advice? 

Dear  Friend,    There are many opinions on this.   On one end of the spectrum are women who embrace their powerful bodies each day of the month, and would likely reject a man who snubbed her because of a natural process.   On the other end are women who are highly influenced by cultural rules and taboos that call for women separating themselves while menstruating. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. So, the real deal is that there is no physical reason that women cannot engage in satisfying sex at any time of the month.  Unless she is in pain or suffering from an illness, she is capable of seeking out sexual pleasure whenever she wants.   In fact many women report increased sexual pleasure while on their period.  I’ve also heard from men who like the lubricating factor.

Now for the cultural considerations (I find this fascinating).   Many traditional religions (including Islam, Judaism and Hinduism) consider contact with a woman who is menstruating taboo.  The extent of this belief and practice varies with how conservative one is.  Christian texts have little to say on the subject, many scholars believe that menstrual taboos were used to keep women out of positions of authority in the church.    Many tribal societies still have “menstrual huts” and segregate women while they are on their period.   And even in countries with social and political equity (such as the U.S. and many Western European countries), menstruation is still a taboo subject and if often spoken about in code or not addressed publically at all.

 With all that said, let me address your specific questions:

Can you get pregnant while on your period? 

Technically, yes you can.  Here’s the skinny, we bleed during their periods, but also may bleed while we are ovulating.  Thinking you are on your period when you are actually your most fertile is dangerous business.  If you have irregular periods it may difficult to track where you are in your cycle.   The Fertility Awareness Method can help you out here.   Check out articles by the Roses of Fertility on SuzyKnew! for a guide to fertility awareness.

 How much mess are we talking about here?

Not much, really.  A typical period (with light and heavy days) is only a few tablespoons of blood and uterine lining.   To decrease the mess, you can wait until the heaviest days have past.  Other strategies include using the “man on top” position, having sex in the shower or lining the bed with towels.  WikiHow has a fantastic entry on this- check it out.

Here’s another option- You can also skip your period altogether. Many women have menstrual disorders with painful and debilitating symptoms that force them to miss work and fun.  Other women (I’ve seen this trend with busy moms and medical students) choose not to have a period at all out of choice or convenience.   See  Take Charge Of Your Menstrual Cycle! from SuzyKnew! Think no more tampons, no more cramps.  Several contraceptive methods can be taken under the advice of your provider to stop your periods.  These include: Depo-Provera, one type of intrauterine device (Mirena®), the birth control implant (Implanon) and a newer product called Lybrel.

Introducing Sophia Ned-James: A New SuzyKnew! Writer On Sexual Adventure

Love and Sex Sizzle With Sophia 3 Comments

Acclaimed  writer Sophia Ned-James joins the SuzyKnew! ommunity with a regular column on  sexual adventure. You can also find Sophia Ned-James work on SexySingleMommy.com. 

MR. BIG STUFF

By, Sophia Ned-James

Greetings SuzyKnew! Readers,

My name is Sophia Ned-James, and I’m excited to be part of this dynamic sisterhood of women committed to making smart, healthy decisions about sex and love.

Like everyone here at SuzyKnew!, I’m passionate about women of color having a safe space to share ideas, ask questions and talk about the things that matter to us.  Too often, our needs and desires are put on the backburner as we spend all our time taking care of others.  So I’m glad to be part of this community and can’t wait to get to know you all.

So let’s get started, shall we?

You know how the popular HBO series “Sex and the City” had Mr. Big?  Well, today, I want to talk about an old flame I affectionately call “Mr. Big Stuff”.  This guy earned the nickname, too.  His “stuff” was huge!  Even now, he holds the record for having the biggest penis I’ve ever seen!

I’ve never been one to pander to fragile male egos.  In my opinion, size does matter and I’m not afraid to admit it.  Sure, it’s also about the “motion of the ocean”.  Everyone knows that skill and finesse are important.  To be honest, if he knows what he’s doing, a man doesn’t have to be swinging a Louisville Slugger between his legs to make me happy.

But let’s be real, ladies.  Ain’t nobody got time for no itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, can barely feel it package!

That may sound hash because men have no control over the size of their equipment.  But men judge us on things we have no control over all the time!  In fact, I think women are way more accepting of men with less-than-perfect looks than men are of women.  Anyway, even if it’s too little for my tastes, I’m sure it’s perfect for someone else.  One woman’s “hell no” is another woman’s “I’ll take it”.

That said, some guys are just too damned big!

That’s right, I said it.  And if you’d told me that before my encounter with Mr. Big Stuff, I would’ve laughed in your face.  The idea of a penis being “too big” just didn’t compute for me, and was as unrealistic as flying cows.

Then one summer I met Mr. Big Stuff and my world turned on its axis.  Suddenly anything seemed possible and I was ready to believe in fairy tales and pixie dust because I’d never seen anything like his unholy Beast.

Full disclosure: I’d been warned about Mr. Big Stuff.  We were set up by my friend’s boyfriend, Bertram who immediately told me about Mr. Big Stuff’s reputation for being very well-endowed.  I was skeptical, though.  In my mind, there was no such thing as too much when it came to penis size, so I ignored Bertram’s warning.

The first few times we went out, nothing physical happened.  We were obviously attracted to each other.  But we always went out with Bertram and my friend, so we were never alone.  Besides, we had a lot of fun without sex.

Finally, we got our chance to be alone, and that’s when I met The Beast.  Ladies, let me tell you, I ain’t been right since!

We were at his place, after having spent a few hours together around town.  It was really hot that day.  I remember because his apartment wasn’t air conditioned.  We didn’t just jump right into bed, of course.  When we first arrived, we just sat on the couch in his small living room, talked and listened to music.

The sun was still shining when we first got there so he never turned on the lights.  By the time things got physical, the sun had set and the only light in the room came from moonlight shining through the window.

The music, moonlight and summer heat made it easy to get caught up in the mood.  Besides, he was a good kisser.  So when his hands started to roam, I didn’t stop them.  I didn’t object as he began to fondle and caress me, especially since he obviously knew what he was doing.

Since it was summer, we weren’t wearing many clothes.  I had on a sundress and he wore shorts and a t-shirt.  Therefore it wouldn’t take long for us to undress each other.  But, before his shorts were even unzipped, he suggested we move to his bedroom.  I eagerly agreed.

He led the way down the dark hallway, so his back was to me.  His bedroom was even darker than the living room.  Moonlight still poured in, but the window was smaller so there was less light.  Plus, he was a real chocolate brotha, with skin so dark it was hard to see him at all.  In other words, I didn’t get a chance to check out his package before it was unwrapped.

He gently removed my clothes, kissing and caressing me the entire time.  I closed my eyes and reveled in how good he made me feel.  Then we stretched out on his bed and it was my turn to undress him.  Removing his shirt was easy.  But, I had a problem with his zipper.  His huge bulge stretched his shorts so tightly I couldn’t get the zipper to move!

“Let me get that,” he whispered.  He stood up and with his back to the bed, he removed his shorts and boxers.  Then he turned around and I found myself staring down the barrel of the most ridiculously huge, rock hard penis I’d ever seen.

I was paralyzed with shock and fear.  That thing was enormous!  It was long, it was thick and it looked like it could swallow a small child!

“My God,” I thought to myself.  “Where the hell does he think he’s going to put that thing?”

Before I could blink, he was back on the bed putting on a condom.  I’d bet my life savings that he had to special order his condoms because even magnums wouldn’t fit on that thing!

He finally noticed that I hadn’t moved.  “Are you okay?”  He asked.  “Do you still want to do this?”  I’m sure he had to have been with women who took one look at that thing and said “Oh, hell no!”  And to be honest, I’m glad he understood that I could still say “no” at any time.

But as scary as that thing looked, I just had to give it a try.  I had to.  To walk away at that point would have been like standing at the base of Mt. Everest and not even trying to climb!

And climbing would be the only way to conquer this Beast.  I had to get on top at first, or my lady parts might not ever be the same again.  So I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and mounted that enormous stallion.

Ladies, you know how we do.  When it’s our first time with a man, we try our best to impress, right?  We “put it down” on him, and even show off a bit.

Well that night, the only person I could impress was me for even trying to work with that big ol’ thing!  Forgive me for being graphic, but I couldn’t even get the damn thing all the way in!

Forget fancy moves, I was doing good to even do the basics!  Thankfully my moves worked and it didn’t last too long.  And to his credit, Mr. Big Stuff tried to be very gentle and was almost apologetic.  He knew his stuff wasn’t normal.

Somehow, I managed to make it through round two, but then I was done.  And no, I didn’t have an orgasm.  He offered to take care of me orally, but I declined.  I was all kinds of tore up down there.  All I wanted to do was go home and soak in a hot bath.  I hurt for days afterwards.

To this day, I haven’t encountered anyone like Mr. Big Stuff.  I’ve had my share of well-endowed lovers (and thankfully very few tiny ones), but none have come close to the Beast.  It’s a good thing, too.  Mr. Big Stuff proved to me that there really can be too much of a good thing.

What about you?  Have you ever encountered one so big it scared you?  Or scarred you?  I’d love to hear all about it!

Is My Girlfriend’s Vagina Too Small For Sex? ASK AN OBGYN

Ask an OBGYN 1 Comment
istockphoto

Dear SuzyKnew,  My girlfriend and I have been together for a while now and she says she wants to have sex, but whenever we get close to penetration she freaks.   I’ll get my penis in a tiny bit and she pulls away crying, saying that it is too painful.   I have never had another women react this way.  She won’t even let me try my finger or a dildo.   I know my penis is not off the charts big, so is it possible that her vagina is too small and tight for sex?  Or is something else going on? Do you have any advice?

****

Dear Friend,

It sounds like your girlfriend could be suffering from Vaginismus, which involves involuntary and painful spasms of the muscles surrounding the vagina.  The pain can be so intense that women avoid inserting anything into their vagina, including a tampon or finger.  This is a complicated disorder that typically has both physical and psychological components.   I sympathize with you both and am glad that you are seeking out a solution.  Yes, there are treatments, and many women are able to overcome vaginismus and have fully satisfying sex lives.  As a caring partner, you can play an important role in her treatment and recovery.

Her first step should be to find a gynecologist who has experience treating this disorder.  Many women suffering from vaginismus avoid going to the gynecologist  all together for fear of having a pelvic exam.   A provider who has experience with these patients will not only be gentle, but they will be able to rule out a physical cause, such as an injury or infection.   

Her next step should be to consult a therapist specially trained in sexual disorders.  Vaginismus typically has a psychological root, and often co-occurs with depression and generalized anxiety disorder.   Women with this condition may have experienced some type of trauma or negative experience.   Depending on her religious and cultural upbringing, she may have received highly negative information about sex.

Depending on the source of the problem, her therapist may prescribe a combination of therapies, including individualized counseling, meditation and relaxation techniques.   Most treatments also include the use of dilators.  These are smooth rods of various sizes, meant to train the muscles of the vagina to accept penetration.

There are several great resources on the Internet on vaginismus.  There are private forums and live chats.  I read through several of these preparing this letter to you.  Many women express relief that there is a name for what they are experiencing.   Over and over again I read the statement, “I thought I was all alone”.   The website vaginismus.com has a wealth of information and is a good place to start.

 

Take Care

Why Can’t I Always Orgasm With My Boyfriend? ASK JANICE

Ask Janice 5 Comments

Hi Janice!

 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years & we’re very much in love, but our problem is sex. Sometimes it is so amazing, I see stars and can’t think to even walk afterwards. Other times I just want it to be over. I’ve had other partners. But, I think my trust and love for him is what makes sex so outstanding when it is, but what about the other times?!

I know it is possible to make it right most times, but I don’t know what’s going on. He’s very attentive to my needs and always tries to help me orgasm, but it just doesn’t happen often enough. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I can’t get there most times. I’ve tried different positions and that helps but sometimes it doesn’t. I’m pretty sure I have only had an orgasm less than five times in my life & it is so depressing!

I need your help!

J from BK

 

Hey, J from BK!

Congratulations on your relationship!  Three years is quite an accomplishment.

About your sex life, we need to consider a few things.  The fact that you’ve had orgasms at all tells me that you’re comfortable enough with your guy to “get there”.  That’s a huge positive in your favor and speaks volumes about the level of intimacy you two share.

But please remember, for many women in love, sex isn’t always about the big “O”.  Making love isn’t always about a big finale.  It’s so much more than that.  It’s about being close and sharing a physical and emotional bond.  It’s about giving pleasure and receiving pleasure.  So if it doesn’t always end with bells and whistles for you, it wasn’t a failure.  Making love can be beautiful without an orgasm.

That said, I am concerned that at times you just wish it were over.  That sounds like maybe you weren’t in the mood to make love in the first place.  But hey, we’ve all been there.

Experienced women will tell you that in order to keep your man happy, there will be times when you have to “perform” even when you don’t want to.  That’s part of the give and take of relationships.  You don’t ALWAYS have to say “yes”.  But no man likes to be turned down a lot, either.

Sometimes, we gals have to put our big girl panties on (or take them off) and do what we gotta do.  It’s called “taking one for the team”, ladies.  And in every successful relationship, there has to be sacrifice.

But it can’t seem like a sacrifice to your man, though.  You still have to act like you’re into it.  And no, you may not have an orgasm during those times, but you can’t just lie there and daydream about shoe shopping, either.  You have to perform like an Oscar winning actress, and he needs to believe it.  Besides, the better your acting, the faster he’ll finish (and the sooner you’ll be able to shop).

This is just a part of being in a relationship.  Sometimes, you have to give him some when you’re not in the mood.  And when you do, y’all could try every position in the Kama Sutra and you still won’t orgasm.  And that’s okay.    Besides, there will be times when you’ll want it and he won’t be in the mood.  But, he’ll do what it takes to get the job done and keep you happy.  It’s all about compromise because a relationship is a two-way street.

Don’t get it twisted, though.  You should never have sex if you really, really don’t want to.  You always have the right to say “no”, even in a committed relationship.  But, I’m just keeping it real.  If you say “no” too many times, your man will find someone else who will say “yes”.  I’m just sayin’ …

Now, if you’re just as into making love as he is and you’re still not having orgasms regularly, there may be something else going on with you.  Remember, the sex organ most important to your enjoyment isn’t your vagina or your clitoris.  It’s your brain!

Could it be that you’re stressed about something that has nothing to do with your relationship?  Are things tense on your job, for example?  Are you worried about finances?

You also can’t rule out unresolved childhood issues, especially if they’re related to your sexuality.  Unresolved issues from our past have a way of creeping into our present at the most inconvenient times … like during sex.  And of course, your religious and family belief system may also affect your sex life.  Guilt is one surefire way to kill an orgasm!

Things that happen OUTSIDE the bedroom affect what happens INSIDE the bedroom, even when we don’t realize it.  You could be just as horny as your man, but if you’re under a lot of pressure at work, you may have a hard time reaching nirvana.  If you’ve got some unresolved issues swirling around in your head, it’s going to be really hard to experience true ecstasy.

Only you can uncover what’s affecting your ability to reach orgasm with your boyfriend.  You need to really examine what’s happened in your life that could be impacting your enjoyment.  It may be something simple.  Or it may be something that requires deeper analysis and expert help.  Either way, it can be resolved.

In the meantime, your boyfriend sounds like a great guy.  He’s patient and seems to really care about your happiness.  Take pleasure in that and be sure to let him know how much you appreciate him and his efforts.  And please, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Relax and enjoy making love with your man for the intimacy of the act, and don’t be so worried about the big finish.  You’re going to be just fine.

How To Talk To Your Provider About FAM: The Roses Of Fertility Awareness

Contraceptives Fertility Awareness Reproductive Health 2 Comments

As a FAM-er, a public health student, and a birth-care provider (doula), I know there are about one million and one reasons it’s important to have a good relationship and open communication with your health care provider. Being open and honest means you get the best, individualized care possible, so you can live long and prosper, right?

Well, I went for my well-woman check-up a few months ago (Side note: Ladies, this is preventative care visit is free through Obamacare! Don’t miss out!), I told my provider, who was a nurse-practitioner at a birth center, that I was using the Fertility Awareness Method for my contraception. This is how that conversation went down.

Provider: I see that you’re sexually active. What do you use for contraception?

Me: Oh, I use the Fertility Awareness Method. You know, where you take your basal temperature and check out your cervical fluid and chart when you’re ovulating.

Provider: (Raises eyebrows) And how long have you been doing this?

Me: (Shifts uncomfortably) The better part of a year.

[The Provider continues the interview. But 5 minutes later….]

Provider: Does your insurance cover maternity care?

Me: Uhhh…I think so? Don’t all the new plans have to?

Provider: And while you’re here, you should tour the birth center part of our practice.

Me: (Shifts uncomfortably) Umm…I’m a doula, so I’ve attended births here before. I promise, I know my way around.

Provider: Well, you should have your partner come sometime for a tour.

Me: (Squirming to leave) You know, I don’t think that’s necessary. We’re not planning on having a baby any time soon…

Do you see how that communication broke down? See what assumptions she made about FAM and its effectiveness? After that experience, I thought I’d share some tips with y’all to make sure you avoid such an awkward encounter.

1)    Pick a provider you trust. This is probably the most important item on this list. No matter how much you try to be honest and foster good communication, if you don’t pick a provider you trust, you’ll always wonder if she has your best interests in mind and will be less likely to listen to what she says. Finding someone that you get along with and have a similar philosophy on health is worth shopping around for. Ask your friends and family members – I’ve found this way more effective than just Googling “women’s primary care.” While I’ll probably continue to go to the birth center for my care, I’m definitely going to ask to see someone else.

2)    Be honest. For the sake of your health, it’s always important to just lay it all out there for your provider. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Been having some itchy since your last exciting encounter? Tell her! Started taking some Chinese herbs for your period cramps? Tell her! Providers tend to give stock recommendations to patients, so the more you can be honest and share about your health, the more individualized and effective your care will be.

3)    Come with your facts straight. When it comes to FAM, some providers will be skeptical. However, when used correctly FAM is about as effective as the pill, and a growing number of women are using it. Your provider should be in the know! Print out the latest evidence, and be sure you can explain how it works. You don’t have to know everything, but you do have know why you’re doing what you’re doing!

4)    Be Open Minded. Doctors, nurse-practitioners, and midwives are highly-trained healthcare providers. While you are the absolute expert on yourself, they can help you apply that self-knowledge so you can be your healthiest and most empowered you! After you’ve chosen a provider that you trust, be open to what they have to say. This might make them more open to what you say. Healthcare is supposed to be a team effort, after all.

5) Stand up for yourself. Really awesome providers love clients and patients that stand up for themselves. I went to a birth a few weeks ago where a mom refused an intervention in spite of her midwife’s recommendations. This mom had all the information she needed to make an informed decision, and she stood up for herself! She ended up having a super healthy and empowered birth experience! This is just as important in your regular primary care. Write down your questions, do your research, and go to your provider prepared to have collaborative discussion on how to achieve your optimal health. FAM is all about YOU know knowing your body, so share that knowledge with your provider!